Be Thankful

Last week my faithful husband suggested I read Colossians.  It took me a few days, but I am.  I can't get past this:

Col 3: 12-17

¹² Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  
¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 
¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 
¹⁵ And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
¹⁶ Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

There is a lot of GOOD meat in these verses, but the two things that stand out to me is that God wants me to make allowances for peoples faults, to forgive like Christ forgave me, to clothe myself in love, and live in harmony.  In that, live in peace and always be thankful.  Then it tells me to sing songs to God with a thankful heart.

It's been an extremely stressful 1.5 weeks with sickness.  Well, it's been stressful for a long time.  But being trapped in a house for almost two weeks is rough.  However, these last two days, all I hear is the Holy Spirit telling me to, "Be Thankful in Everything."  I also need to keep remembering to make allowances for other peoples faults.  That thought is so key for me.

So, here I go... I am going to list things I'm thankful for.

1. Jadon is the Best Sick kid I've ever met.  I'm so thankful.  I would have cleaned up his puke without a second thought, but I am SO THANKFUL that he would only be sick in the toilet.  Both ends!  He has been independant, but also quick to ask me for help or snuggles.

2. Benjamin.  That little turkey is a blessing.  I'm amazed at how much he wants to be helpful.  Yesterday Jason was looking all over for the sandals he had just been wearing.  He couldn't find them!  He had the thought to ask Ben where they were.  Ben led him into their bedroom.  He had put his dad shoes up with their shoes.  It was cute.

3. We have a warm home.  We have beds and sheets for all of us. Food to fill our bellies.  Cold and warm water to clean our dishes.  A washing machine/dryer to wash our clothes.  A beautiful Christmas tree with ornaments full of memories.

4.  All of my kids take medicine very well.

5. I really like losing weight.  I think my 14's are big on me now.

6. God has never given up on me.  He sees my heart even when I'm trapped in the darkness of depression and, what feels like, a form of insanity as I juggle my anxieties.

7. Ronnie and Kim have really been great.  He's been a blessing to our family and household.

8.  A dog who is learning to snuggle with the boys.

9.  A vacation that's 2 weeks away!  I get to see people I love!  (Please, Lord, don't let sickness deter that.)

10. God has chosen life for me even when my depression, and lies of the enemy, would have chosen death (whether in body, mind, or spirit.)  I don't understand my purpose in this earth, but I clearly have one.

11. Jason.  He's a gift.  He's shown me the Love of God in a way I could never fathom.  He serves me.  He serves our children.  He serves his job.  He serves the household.  He tries, with all his might, to always do the right thing in God's eyes.  He loves me even when I'm not lovable.

12.  Our van is running.  A door may be broken (boo), but the other one isn't.

13.  I'm thankful for nature.  I can't wait to see it in TWO WEEKS!!!!

14. All 3 boys have napped so well during the last 2 weeks of sickness. 

15. Our boys are all healthy in mind and usually in body.

16. Joshua has been stretching us so much lately with attitudes.  I have moments I wonder if we can ever reach him.  Then, I have moments like today, when he was laying on the couch about to take a nap when he gave me a heart felt apology for his earlier behavior.  It gives me hope all of us will get past this hard season with open hearts.

17. I like peoples court. :)

Snuggles

A blind spot in my parenting was revealed.  It was a rude awakening. I quit singing and rocking the boys to sleep once they started to sleep on their own.  I didn't do it out of a purposeful neglect.  It just never dawned on me that the boys might want that.  I always tell them I love them, hug them, kiss their heads, and express my pride in their abilities.  I rarely sit with them to watch tv or a movie with them.  I don't sit with them to snuggle.  I put the TV on, or a movie, to entertain them so that I can clean or get something done.  I play games, but I guess that's not the same type of quality time or love they need. 

I had this rude awakening upon moving Ben to the boys' room.  Ben is sleep trained, but I always snuggle him, sing a song to him, and then lay him in bed.  He never falls asleep right away, but that's our routine.  Once Jadon and Joshua saw me do that with Benjamin they asked if I would do that with them as well. I was really surprised!  So, now, before bed, I hold each boy and sing whatever song they request.  It's a sweet and beautiful moment.  I can't believe I've missed out of these snuggles for all this time!  They often want me to sing, "You are my sunshine." They always ask me to put their name into the song instead of "dear."

This goes to show that children, no matter the age, always want their mom to hold them, sing to them, and nurture their hearts.  I knew this, but seeing how important this ritual is has made that reality all to real.  I thought I was meeting that need in other ways, but it appears I wasn't.

Clearly, I won't always be able to hold the boys in my arms to sing to them, but I need to make sure they always feel this same type of connection even as they grow into manhood.

Snuggles.  Who would have thought they were lacking in that area.

He's Smart :p

I have been feeling a little bit of inner panic that Benjamin is behind the game with intellect.  I've felt guilty that I haven't sat with him to really teach him his colors, shapes, abc, or 123 like I did with Jadon and Joshua.  At this age they always had educational cartoons on (as well) because they were both into it.  I'm having to force Jadon to still enjoy the educational stuff that he's outgrown.  Actually, not just Jadon, but also Joshua.  They've already seen most of the tv shows since we don't have cable tv.  It doesn't help that Benji refuses to speak.  He'll say mom, dad, hi, apple, and a few other words.  Ben primarily communicates with his finger and yelling. 

I've been trying to do shapes with him.  The majority of shows I've let the boys watch are Bubble Guppies, Team Oomizoomi, and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  Within the last few days Ben has started answering team oomizoomi when they ask questions.  It's a mumble, but you can tell he thinks he knows the answer.

Just recently he can find all of the shapes on the shape square.  Tonight I was cleaning their room.  The puzzle pieces were in a big pile.  I set the puzzles out and asked him where the pieces went.  He found ALL of them!  There was a shape puzzle, car puzzle, animal puzzle, dinosaur puzzle, and something else.  I couldn't believe it! 

His little finger is only a representation of his brilliant brain. :P


Today I had a crazy experience happen.  I woke up feeling great.  Limited stress as I got out of the house.  I planned on going to the park with the boys and grandma.  I was going to get milk at the grocery store and stop at Beall's.  We were already to go when suddenly I started cramping.  I ended up getting sick.  I had to rush home.  Grandma graciously kept Joshua and even had me put his carseat in her car so that she could still take him to the park.  I am SO grateful.  I came home, still felt bad, took care of Ben, and when he went to sleep I crashed as well.  Jason graciously picked up Joshua and Jadon.  Then he took them to the park and mcdonalds for dinner.  Ben slept THREE hours which allowed me to get lots of rest.  I feel better.  I still have no idea what happened.  I don't think I ate anything to trigger that attack.  I have some anxieties, but nothing to trigger that event.  But, it seems odd that I would get sick for a few hours and then the fierceness of it go away.  I am starting to get hungry so hopefully it's gone.

I'm just so thankful to have a husband who takes care of us.

Please says a prayer for Jason's car.  The heat and AC went out.  We need a miracle that it fixes or the money to fix it.  He's planning on surviving without heat, but I don't think that's possible.  His windows will start freezing.  He won't be able to see when he's driving.  Thank you for your prayers on this matter.

Good Night, All!

Hello Monday!

Whew.  I don't have anything Huge to write, but I thought I'd just talk about all of the different things happening.  I'm going to number because it'll be easier to gather my thoughts. :)

1. The boys have transitioned very well to sharing a room.  I think Jadon enjoys the fact that Joshua hangs out with him a little bit, but is mainly focused on Benjamin.  He goes up to his top bunk and passes out well before Joshua and Ben fall asleep.  The last two nights we've discovered Joshua asleep in Ben's crib.  I just move him.  Whatever it takes to get them to be peaceful and GO TO SLEEP. lol


2. I'm actually having a hard time with this life change.  I thought it would be easier, but it's not!  I can't seem to grasp the idea that I "get" to eat healthy.  All I feel is that I'm losing out on what I want to eat.  I'm really at a loss for what I'm going to do when we're gone two weeks to visit friends and family.  I'm still struggling finding a salad dressing that I like.  It might be easier if everyone else was eating this way, but I feel guilty pushing it on them.  Jason is being VERY helpful!  He's making bread I can eat.  He's growing water keifer, kamboonchoo (spelling?), and helping me ferment milk keifer with cinnamon to see if I can find a taste I actually want to drink. lol  The boys liked lemonade water keifer!  I think I've hit a rut.  I need to continue to explore more options.  I'm starting to get lazy and eat the same things.  It's making me miss food I can't eat.

3. I haven't had a smoothie for a week.  I gave up drinking them because I was so disappointed the company, Greek God, doubled the sugar content in all of their products.  There terrible decision means I can't eat any of their yogurt!  I didn't eat much.  I would add 1-2 spoonfuls to my smoothies.  It was delicious.  I was unable to make a smoothie that tasted as good without it.  However, my BRILLIANT husband added a little bit of raw honey to my smoothie and it was GREAT!!!  He found the KEY to a tasteful smoothie!  Hope. lol

4. I'm temping every morning.  I'll report the findings on Friday.  My highest temp has been 96.0.  I wonder if that means my thyroid is messed up?  I dunno.  Taking 3 Cerenity is helping a little bit.  I think.  Maybe?  I don't know!  I start my progesterone again on Thursday.

5. Small group was nice on Sunday.  I really like Kim and Ronnie.  They really seem to love us.  I'm amazed at their thoughtfulness.  She used oat flour to fry the meat, made me cookies I could eat, and made gravy that was safe.  Plus she had yummy green beans with bacon as a side.  It's rare to find someone who is so supportive.  The alexanders (love them too) brought a homemade chocolate pumpkin cake.  It looked divine.  I sat at the tale trying to ignore the elephant in the room when Kim told me she made me my cookies.  It was so wonderful to NOT CARE that I was missing out on a homemade delicious cake.  Eating that cookie was a gift.  Ronnie is working very hard to help us as we need it.  I think I baffle him sometimes with my rollercoasters, but he laughs with me a lot and seems to love all of us despite our flaws.

6. I'm making my first BIG turkey tomorrow.  I got a 17lb turkey for free at albertson's.  We didn't have room in our freezer so I thawed it.  I'm nervous.  I hope it turns out.  I'll safe the chicken for salads, etc.  I'll also try out the gravy recipe I found using droppings, broth, and arrow root.  It'll be preparation for Thanksgiving.

I found this 'dressing' recipe I'm going to make for thanksgiving.  Will it be easy?  Will it taste good?  I REALLY hope so.

Recipe: "Safe" Dressing 

Mom will still make all of the food I normally drooled over... stuffing, dumplings, etc.  She's Graciously not going to buy a pumpkin pie.  I told her to buy an apple pie instead.  I don't care if I miss that.  I DID find a pumpkin pie recipe, but I have yet to convince Jason to make it.  (I don't bake. lol)

Recipe: Pumpkin Pie


7.  I've stated a new 'rule' in this household.  The boys MUST say Three positive things about the person they were just mean to.  We're running into a wall because the boys do not know how to compliment anyone.  All Josh wants to do is say that he likes it when Jadon plays with him. lol  That baffles me because I am the QUEEN of affirmation.  I'm trying to figure out how to have that light bulb turn on for them.  It did bite me in the butt!  This morning the boys were in full fight mode.  We were running late getting Jadon to school. ALL I wanted was for them to STRAP THEMSELVES IN.  I finally said, "Shut your mouth and strap yourself in!!!"  Joshua's little voiced piped up, with full attitude on his face, and said, "Mom,  It's not nice to say "shut your mouth."  Say three nice things about me."  I confess I chuckled in shock and then quickly told him three things I love about him.


8. Best moment of my weekend?  I was driving the boys somewhere when Jadon piped up and said, "Mom.  You know what I love more then anything?"  I asked him what that was and he said, "You."  I actually teared up and choked back tears after that.  I expected him to say rainbows or colors.  Nope.  He said me.  :)

9. I have discovered that I DO Have Self Control.  I used to think I didn't.  It's made me pull on an inner strength that I didn't know I possessed.  It also helps me see that I Can have self control in areas I call 'weak' or 'struggles'.  It's been a great eye opener.  I am proud of myself.


10.  Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers.  We really need it. 

Jadon with school - finding a friend and focusing on what the teacher wants. 
Me - that I get freedom/healing/answers. 
Joshua - that his heart is protected, remains tender, as we figure out how to parent someone who can be so strong willed and even hateful at times.  
Jason - Patience.  Stamina.  Love. 
Ben: well... that he stays cute. :P

As always, pray that the Lord speaks to our hearts, minds, and continues to show us who God, our Father, is in the midst of daily life.

Oh and prayers that we could move to a bigger place... and even bigger town would be an added bonus. haha

I found a Noodle!

I'm SO excited!  Jason found a noodle that I Love!  Yay!!!!!!!!  My Spaghetti has been REDEEMED!!!!!  Spaghetti sauce that I can eat with yummy noodles!!  This makes everything better.  I Love spaghetti.  All three boys liked it too!!! 

Here's a picture of my exciting and delicious dinner:





That said, that's about all the happy news I have.  Yesterday was a really hard parenting day.  Dr. Ben called me today.  I told him that I'm 99 - 100 percent on board with the diet, but that I don't feel any better.  He wants me to take 3 cerenity a day and take my temperature before I get out of bed every morning.  He thinks my blood tested false negative for my thyroid.  My cortisol test came back.  I was an 8 or 9 first thing in the morning.  Your supposed to be a 2 or 3.  So clearly my cortisol is killing my adrenals.  He said that I have to stay away from stress as much as possible.  That's comical.  I've given up two of my escapes (food and facebook) with very little in return.  I still feel depressed and I'm lonely.

I guess this means I need to use this time to focus on God.  That news shouldn't frustrate me.  I'm just sad.

I dunno, people, I'm discouraged.  I asked Dr. Ben if I was ever going to feel better.  He told me it would take time, but that it would happen.

I hope so.  I'm discouraged.

A Shopping Day!

This morning started off at the dentist office.  I am so proud of our older boys.  Jadon was scared.  Josh told him he'd go first to show Jadon that there was nothing to be scared of.  Joshua was such a trooper!  He was completely relaxed and brave!  Jadon wasn't quite as adventurous, but he followed his brother's example to the best of his ability. Tjhey both laid there and let the dental hygienist clean their teeth.   We were so proud!

After we had our teeth cleaned we went back to mom's (who was watching Benjin) to have lunch and do nap times.  When the younger boys went to sleep I asked Jadon if he wanted to run an errand with me.  I decided today was a day to shop for a pair of jeans.  I had a good coupon for jcpenny that I wanted to use.

Jadon and I had a good time!  I took a few pictures that I'll share in a moment, but I'm elated to tell the world that I have went down 1-2 pant sizes!!!!!!!!  I actually fit a size 12 TODAY!!  I was a 16 a month ago.  It's a nice feeling.  Really nice feeling. 

These are the jeans I bought today!  (I sucked my gut in a little bit with this photo. lol)  Look at how LITTLE I LOOK!  I can't believe it!

The front/side view with no flash!




I was torn between the dark and the light.  I posted this photo because it makes me laugh.  Jadon was being so silly.  It was cute!

I settled on the dark pair and then headed to mom's.  She wanted to go boot shopping for the boys.  Is anyone else SHOCKED at the lack of boys boots in this town?!  It's crazy!  We came home, cooked dinner, and then my kind husband helped me clean.  I was extremely overwhelmed with how messy our house was.  Thanks to Jason I'll face tomorrow a much happier woman.


On that note, I thought I'd share a few photos of our updated walls thanks to Deb and Bill! 

I still need to fill this frame, but I love it.  Aren't the crosses pretty?

This is what I look at when I sit on the couch:

However, with all of those photos, this one is my favorite from today.  I'm going to put it as the background on my phone.  Jadon is growing up to be such a smart wonderful little boy.  I pray the Lord gives us grace to help ease his high anxieties and to teach us how to reach our children's hearts.


Me and my Jadon:

Isn't that a beautiful photo?  His smile is so genuine.  We had a good time jean shopping.  I should post the multitude of pictures he took of all the fire alarms, sprinklers, and the neat tiled floor.


Good Night, World!  Tomorrow is going to be cold. Stay warm.  Now to figure out how to reach my Joshua tomorrow with his need for quality time.

Updating our house

Jason and I saw "Thor" yesterday.  It was okay.  It was my least favorite comic book movie.  The movie had a lot of holes. I didn't like the ending.

Last weekend Deb and Bill drove out to help me decorate our place.  I like all that they did, but this is my favorite outcome:

Isn't that beautiful?!  I Love that my favorite eagle picture is flanked by some of my smaller eagles.  My other 2 eagles flank the grandfather clock.  I just love this!  Thank You, Jason!!!

I'm also very happy with the outcome of Ben's bedroom Transition.  I like what we did with the bedroom and the transition has gone relatively smooth.  Jadon has had some reprieve with Joshua getting in his bed because he's too busy doting/helping Benjamin transition.  Joshua's love and devotion for the ones he loves amazes me every day.

I took two pictures to try and show you their bedroom.  It's hard to capture pictures because of the size of the room, but here are two:





Ben seems to like sharing a room with his brothers.  I have to admit we LOVE having our room back!  It's so nice to have TWO rooms to retreat to once the kids are asleep.  I'd post pictures of that, but it's still a work in progress. 

How am I?  Still Pretty lonely.  I miss my facebook friends.  I miss seeing their names, knowing about their lives, and having their input in my life.  I can't tell you how many times I still check my email and feel the keene sadness that my email is now Empty.  Bare bones.  But, I know that I did the right thing leaving facebook.  I'm sure I'll be released to return some time in the future, but that time isn't now.  I'm trying to replace my facebook time with present time with my kids, trying to make local connections, and time with the Lord.  I just hope I can make connections here.

On happier news... I put on a size 12 jeans just to see how it would fit.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was ELATED when I was able to put them on and button them up!  Granted, they are still too tight to wear comfortably, but I can get them on!  It's hard to believe I was wearing a size 16 a little under a month ago.  I don't feel any different.  I hope these food choices will get me the answers/relief/results that I'm hoping for.  I'm still having a very hard time finding a salad dressing i like.  It's forced me to eat less salads because they don't taste good.  The product, "Greek God Yogurt" changed their product and DOUBLED their sugar content so I can't eat that anymore.  A Huge Huge Bummer.  Huge.  But, I did find a delicious recipe for roasting a whole chicken that we all love.

I'm really struggling with the reality I must forgive.  I don't want to.  I don't even know how, but it's clear the Holy Spirit is demanding it of me.  It's hard.  Really hard.

Well quiet cyber land here's another blog for ya.  Thanks for letting me to type even if you are quiet.

What a day!

I had an interesting day today.  I woke up feeling really low.  It's been a painful week juggling raging emotions that rose up after I felt hurt by someone close to me.  We had mediation on Wednesday.  The mediation solved the strife, but the confusion and hurt feelings still remained (just not as severe.)  I woke up feeling extremely depressed.  The old thoughts that life would never change.  My struggles would remain.  The old funk of a heavy head, despair, and sadness sat on me like a wet blanket.

As I cleaned up, I cried out to God asking him why scripture states He sends us help, but I couldn't see any help before me.

It was then I felt the Holy Spirit ask me, "Who are you seeking?  Death or Life?"

I Paused.  Really Paused.  How can I rail against the Lord for not sending me help when I'm seeking depression (and the death that brings) instead of God who actually sends help?

Even after that question I still felt dark.  I still kept railing at God (internally) when I asked Him WHY I'm still alive after all the torment I've gone through in this life time.  There have been a few times I've asked for death... even begged for it because I thought that was the only answer to end my lack of peace.  I was tired of dealing with the torment of depression, self hate, and fear.

It was then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me something else.  He said, "If the spirit of Death actually had authority over your life don't you think you'd be dead?"

I paused again. 

That question was huge.  Death has No authority.  The only authority it has is what we give it!  We may live a living death, but he can't touch your life unless God wills it.

Why do I let depression and despair gobble me up when it clearly has no authority to DO anything to my life.  I mean seriously.  WHAT have those emotions DONE for me?  Have they helped me?  Have they released me?  Have they given me joy?  A purpose?  No, just more death... but a living death.  So, in a way, I received what I asked for.  Yet, a living death is far worse then anything one could ask for!  There is No peace!  Yet, death has NO authority to take a life.  It can lie to you.  Deceive you.  But it never helps you!

The devil has lied to me.  He's lied to me when it said that death would bring peace.  But Death never brings peace.  The only thing that brings Peace is God.  The Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.  Jesus is the ONLY one who holds the keys to life and death.  God has always been faithful to help me, but it really is in His Mercy and Grace.  I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but my relationship with depression and despair is stronger.  How can He help me if I'm friends with such lies? There is no freedom in those lies.

Ever after those moments of revelations I still sat in my living room feeling extremely lonely and isolated.  I had been trapped in this house for three days (Joshua was sick two nights ago.)  I couldn't find anyone to have a play date with.  I knew that Joshua needed to get out of the house just as much as I.  I asked Joshua if he'd like to feed the ducks and go to the park.  So we did!  It was fun!  When we drove up to the pond the ducks surrounded our van.  I was too intimidated to walk amongst them (geese are mean!) so we opened up the van windows and threw the popcorn out.  Joshua was on the passenger side and I held Benji.  The laughter was intoxicating.  Ben threw half his popcorn back into the van.  After we were done throwing popcorn I took this picture:

This has to be one of my favorite photos! 

Afterwards we played on the play ground, dug in the dirt, and explored the area.  We went to McDonald's to eat.  I did Not cheat!  I got a glass of water.  I did okay until I saw someone eating a blast.  Drool.  Joshua had fun playing for an hour with a sweet little girl.  We came home and BOTH boys NAPPED wonderfully!  Yay!  We really enjoyed ourselves.

Jason came home feeling productive.  He decided it was time to move Ben's crib into the boys room.  I was/am not ready, but decided I better support the move since he was taking the crib down.  lol.  When it was all said and done we completely remodeled the boys' bedroom.  I like it!  I'll post a picture later.  I couldn't take one tonight because my flash wasn't working due to low battery.  I hope this was the right decision.  I hope it won't mean more stress.  I do not need more stress.  lol

Now to replace my facebook time with more then just my children, but also with personal time with the Lord.  I believe, if I can continue to draw close to Him, that maybe I can finally learn to forgive and have peace no matter what storm comes my way.

I think I'm doing okay with the diet.  My taste buds must be changing.  As I ate a salad the produce actually tasted good without dressing.  I actually liked the grilled chicken.
I was pleased with this photo I took today.  My face looks So skinny.  I wish I'd lose weight in my derriere/hips first, but it appears weight melts off of me from top to bottom.

Here's my skinny face photo:


In closing...

I love my kids.  I love spending time with them.  I love watching Joshua's brain as he figures out how to STOMP me in the ninja turtle match it game.  I love Jadon's eagerness to help.  Especially in the kitchen.  I love Benjamin's innocence and devotion to his brother.  I love it when he calls Jason, "nanny."  He can't say his D's yet.  I love my husband who works so hard to provide and take care of us. 

I miss certain foods, but I love my skinny face. :P

Priorities

Two nights ago I sat on my couch struggling with my failures.  I found myself sitting here asking God to help me, but not having much confidance that I'd get much direction. I was at a true loss trying to find a balance with all my life changes, struggles, and fears that things would never change.

It was at that moment that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook account.  I've known, for quite some time, that I used facebook too much.  I've lost count how many times I've said, "I know that I use facebook too much, but it's my only source of communication.  It's a guilty pleasure with friends who care about me."


Oddly enough once I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook the idea gave me peace.  I felt a resolve that only the Holy Spirit could give.  I would never, ever, deactivate my daily source of input and communication on my own.

So, I did it.  I let as many people know that I could.  I didn't want anyone to think I blocked them.  I can imagine that would be the logical conclusion if one day I was there and the next I vanished completely.

It's been two days.  I have to admit I'm extremely lonely, but I know I did the right thing.  It was shocking to realize just how much I checked my email.  It's still shocking to see how empty my email is.  I used to have so many emails in my 'social' gmail folder from facebook.  Whether a comment made on my status or others commenting on status' I commented on.  I've actually found myself reading my junk mail just to be in contact with something that isn't in my house.

I'm ashamed to realize just how much time I devoted to facebook.  Time, and focus, that I should be using for my children, myself, and to reading.  And, of course, finally figuring out who God my Father is.  I need to tune deeply into that source of Life.

But, Man.  I miss Candy Crush.  I miss interacting with others.  I miss posting photos.  I miss the comments.  I miss sharing my life with others.  I really miss it.

However, I have to establish better priorities.  I also realized that I've used facebook as my form of communication SO MUCH that it stiffled me from seeking relationships that are tangible and face-to-face.  Maybe this loneliness will drive me to connect with a church.  People who can see my smile, or my tears, and encourage me on this journey.  People I can hug.  I'm struggling so much with myself.  I'm hoping this diet, and hormone replacement therapy, will make a difference.  I'm hoping I can finally learn to forgive.  I'm still stumped on that one.

Now I have to figure out how to meet 'my' needs without zoning out to an internet game or interacting with beautiful people that can't actually hug me.  I hate this loneliness!

The good news?  I'm working hard to replace my internet time with kids.  I made a delicious dinner tonight!  It was a homemade roasted chicken.  I used the bones to make my first chicken broth.  My crockpot will stew all night long.

20 Things I've Learned...

1.  I prefer to skin a vegetable with a knife instead of a peeler.

2.  I not only LIKE cilantro.  I Love it.

3. I can roast a whole turkey with tender juicy meat!

4. I don't like Kale in salads or smoothies.  I don't like chewing my smoothies.  Spinach is better.

5. The ninja (blender) isn't as great as I thought it was.  It's great for salsa, but it doesn't grind fruit seeds or kale leaves thoroughly.

6. I always thought I loved strawberry and banana smoothies.  However, I think smoothies taste better if they have blueberries and raspberries included. 

7.  I did not eat well balanced meals. I'm SHOCKED at how much corn fructose syrup is countless food items. 

8. I'm discovering vegetables that I didn't know existed.  Actually, the only vegetables I 'knew' existed were broccolli, cauliflower, and green beans. I thought corn was a vegetable.  I'm still shocked it's a starch.  Spaghetti squash is quite good... but NOT with spaghetti sauce.

9. My head has been clear for two days.  Does that mean this diet is working?

10.  Jason is an amazing support.  I knew this before, but I see it so clearly.  He's been so helpful making homemade salad dressings, patient as I cry over the loss of food, experimenting with me, and encouraging me to not worry about the extra money all of this is costing us.

11.  Joshua's love language is quality time.  My least favorite love language to give.  Ha.

12.  I need to forgive.  My bitterness and resentment are killing me.  I'm trying to refocus myself with that in mind as this diet stuff settles down a little bit.

13. I really like that Ellen chose Twitch (primarily) as her new DJ.

14. I don't know how to cook, eat, or like Most vegetables.

15. I like being in a large or medium size shirt.  I also like being back in size 14 pants.  I'd like to shrink smaller, but it's wonderful to see 14's again!

16.  I love having a brother and a great sister in law.  I'm SO excited for the opportunity to spend Christmas with them.  To see my mom and uncle as well!  It's amazing how many similarities we have even though we didn't grow up together. 

17.  This food/life change has helped me realize that I DO have self control.  I CAN choose to Not eat junk food, wheat, corn, or dairy.... even if it's in my face.  I realize this may sound ridiculous, but seeing this is helping me gain confidence that I can have self control in other difficult areas of my life.  Primarily yelling.  I Can refuse to yell even if my kids are pushing every button known to human kind.  If I can refuse homemade chocolate chip cookies when every fiber of my body, mind, and soul is SCREAMING for a fix... well, I can have the strength to shut my mouth and not yell.

18.  I have a whole new respect for drug addicts.  Withdrawals are wretched.  Hellacious.  Horrid.  Hard.

19. I love the Olive Tree application on my phone (it's PHENOMENAL), but there's nothing like touching and reading my NLT life application study bible.

20. My current favorite verse is Proverbs 25:18 "A person without self control is like a city with broken down walls."  My bible explains this verse by saying (at the bottom), "Think of self-control as a wall for defense and protection."

Wow!  When I operate in self-control I'm actually protecting and defending myself.  Love that.

A broken body

I realized I should probably blog about what's been happening since Friday.  I wish I had done it right away in case I've forgotten something.

I went to see Dr. Ben via Ronnie and Kim's insistance.  I didn't want to go because I was worried about finances, but they insisted - Jason agreed - so I went.  I can't tell you how long I've been told I was depressed, but no one could help.  I figured this would be the same thing, but I wanted to honor Jason.

I'm still, quite, shocked by what the doctor believes is wrong with me.  I feel immense relief to FINALLY have a doctor tell me what's wrong.  But, wow.  I really am broken.  My heart is broken (please Lord heal my heart) and so is my body.

1. He believes I have leaking gut syndrome.  He believes I've had this since I was a young kid.

2.  He believes I've been in 'fight or flight' mode since I was a baby.

3. I have low progesterone. Very low.  

4.. The 'fight or flight' mode for 33 years.  This has created a form of ptsd.  My adrenals may be in failure mode (at the very least fatigued) because I've been demanding my body make such high levels of cortisol that it's had to take from progesterone (amongst other areas). 

So, my gut is broken.  It's leaking food particles into my blood stream.  And, since my gut is broken it can't produce seratonin and melatonin.  Did you know that the gut produces 70 PERCENT of all seratonin and melatonin for your BODY?!

Progesterone, Sera, and Mela are the hormones that calm you down.  Oh, and Get this, if you have low progresterone then it's very difficult to get pregnant.  And, if you DO get pregnant, it's very difficult to bring your baby to term.  Jadon was a preemie and I had to be on bedrest with my 2nd and 3rd to prevent having another preemie.  My body literally went into labor at 28-30 weeks with all my kids.

I have none.  No wonder I'm always anxious.  I'm not a failure with my parenting.  I'm not screwed up.  NO wonder I struggle with such horrid depression.  I'm simply not producing hormones to make me happy, balanced, calm, or peaceful.

He put me on a hard (what I think is hard) diet to heal my gut.  No wheat, corn, gluten, white potatoes/rice.  No sugars past single digits.  I'm waiting for my old doctors office to fax my current blood work to Dr. Ben so that he can order more blood work.  He thinks I'll be put on hormone replacement therapy until my body can produce it's own hormones.  He won't make that final decision until the blood work confirms his beliefs.  (Which I can't imagine it won't.)

Please, if you think of me, pray for me.  Pray this heals me.  Pray I can think clearly.  Pray I can live a life without depression.  Pray this diet heals my gut.  Please pray for God's discernment and peace as I figure the diet out.

Thank you.

Am I ever happy?

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about what's been happening in my life.  In the course of the conversation she told me, "In all the years I've known you I don't think I've ever seen you happy.  Well, outside of when you were pregnant with Jadon."  She stated another instance, but i can't remember what the instance was.  She didn't say it with malice or hatred.  It was an honest (to her) observation she had after knowing me for 5-6 years.

Her words have haunted me a bit.

Is that True?  Am I 'that' negative?

I know that my perspective definitely falls into the "glass is half empty" mode.  Most of my mother's family (that's the only side I was close to growing up) is the same way.  It's definitely something that has been ingrained in my DNA.

Yet, I, more then anyone, know that, as an adult, I can't blame my past on my present choices.  But, yet, it's NOT that easy.  I find it almost impossible, as of late, to rewrite my DNA that was written by my parents choices.  Plus, crappy things keep happening to me!  Really Crappy Things.  When crap hits me it's not like a tiny little pebble in the river.  They are always HUGE BOULDERS that take me days, weeks, or Months... some times years... to bounce back.

But I don't want to be 'that' person.  I don't want my kids to be that person.

I kind of feel like I'm going to have a panic attack worrying that I'm never going to change the awful things that marked my life.  Or that I'll never grasp who God is in my heart.  If God doesn't heal my heart then things will never change.  What if I always struggle with depression, negativity, and yelling?  That thought leaves me a little immobile.

I want to be happy.  I want to be free.  I want my heart to be healed.  I want to enjoy my kids more.  I want to laugh more.

I just want my heart to be healed. 

God is actually REAL.

That sonship book is rocking my heart. I'm finally beginning to see that my heart is Broken.  Truly Broken.  the only way to heal my broken heart is to finally forgive all the travesties that have happened to me.  I need to finally be a daughter to a God who can, and will, heal my heart if I only let him and seek Him.

I can't believe I've been a believer 14 years and I'm just discovering that my walk with God isn't Just about Jesus.  Yes, Jesus is important because He is the SON and the ONLY pathway to God, his Father.  But Jesus ALWAYS pointed Everyone Back to the Father.  Not to himself.  I'm realizing that I don't just want to be a Friend of Jesus.  I want to be a daughter to the most high God.  I want to REALLY experience sonship.  I want to be able to call myself a daughter.  I don't want to be an orphan.

It's a trip to think that our natural life should mirror our spiritual life.  We have parents (or should), marriage, and friends. The relationship we have with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is the same.  God should be our father, Jesus should be our husband, and the Holy Spirits role is to be our friend. 

I've always prayed to the Father becasue that's what scripture tells us to do, but subconsciously I always replaced God with "Jesus".  Or I simply thought of Jesus as God.  Part of that problem could be the fact that I was apart of a denomination that believe Jesus was all three.  I'm realizing how wrong I was.  I wasn't just wrong, but that belief, or lack of belief, was sabotating the very freedom and relationship I was crying out for.

I decided to start reading my bible (I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the Olive Tree Bible Application) and highlight every verse that talked about God in purple.  I'm floored!!!  Has anyone else ever noticed how much Jesus talks about God?!  How did I miss this?! 

I came across John 5:22-23
"In addition, the Father jduges no one.  Instead, he has given the son absolute authority to judge, so that everyone will honor the Son, just as they honor the Father.  anyone who does not honor the Son is certainly not honoring the Father who sent him."

This verse stands out to me because I've always seen God as a Father, or dictator, ready to strike me with a stick when I sinned   At one point, when I was in a cult, I was even told that God would strike me down because I operated in the spirit of Jezebel since I loved to minister more then I loved to submit.

Yet, this scripture clearly states that Jesus was given the absolute authority to judge.  All this time I've seen God as a dictator who judges me and Failed me... when in reality He's the only one who has always Loved me.  After all, God is love, right?

Ironically, because I've built a relationship and trust with Jesus, I don't believe He's failed me or wants to whack me with a stick.  I believe Jesus loves me.  I've actually mixed His role with the Holy Spirit.

I have a long way to go, but I'd like to think that it'll be shorter then I think once I submit myself to the Will of God.  Some day I want to not only Call God "Father" with my mouth, but Live in a peaceful confidence knowledge that I AM a Daughter of God.

Sonship

I'm learning that it may be time to really listen when Jason talks about spiritual matters. For years Jason has been ranting about the epiphany of sonship.  I listened with one ear, but not both because I'm not in agreement with his attitude towards the church and it's 'set up'.   For years Jason has been telling me that I am a son of God, but I didn't get it.  I thought, "Of course I am.  Your clueless!"  I felt he didn't understand me.
However, as I was speaking with Marc last weekend he suggested I read:

Sonship: The Journey into Father's Heart

I agreed because I was desperate and was able to hear the discernment he was operating from.  He was right that I have an orphan mentality.  He was also right that I had no concept of God the Father.  I not only had no concept of it, but my bitterness/wounding prevented me from having any INTEREST in knowing God the Father.

That is until I started reading this book.  It's rocking my heart.  I wish the book was a bit more polished, but it's totally rocking my heart.

I'm realizing that Knowing JESUS is NOT The Same as Knowing the Father.  I'm going to say it again because I think this is HUGE.

Knowing Jesus is NOT the Same as Knowing the Father!

Christ's entire purpose for coming to the world, living with us, teaching us, dying a horrid death, and then rising again was to Bring Us to the Father!  I know that I've had a revelation of Jesus and a revelation of the Holy Spirit.  I've based my christianity on these two realities (which are good realities), but the revelation of the father hasn't become a reality to my heart.  However, everything in Chrsitianity is about the love of the Father.  I've known the the doctrine about God the father.  I've even spoke on knowing God as a father, but I haven't personally known that reality myself. Having knowledge of the scriptures is far different then having a revelation of scripture.

I'm realizing that I've experienced Jesus.  I've experienced the Holy Spirit.  I've even experienced the Father's Love in countless ways that have changed my life, but I still don't know the Father's Love. 

My heart has not had the revelation that God is real.  God is Love.  God loves me.

For my entire Christian walk I've always called on the name of Jesus.  That, in itself, is Not a bad thing!  Jesus is Amazing!  He's my intercessor.  He's my Lord.  He Died for me.  He Loves me.  However, how did I miss that he's the Pathway to GOD - His - and My - Father?  How sad.  No wonder so many components of my heart haven't changed or been healed.

I have to wonder if I've really experienced Christianity to it's fullest.  I have to wonder if the reason we aren't raising the dead, healing the sick, loosing people from demonic influence... Changing the WORLD with LOVE... is because most of us don't know who the Author is.  We only know his son.

I feel so thankful that the Lord is showing me how to forgive.  How to count the cost of my loss, face the loss, release it, and ask God to help me replace it with something far more uplifting.

I don't think I could have ever realized how broken my heart is if I hadn't made that step to starting forgiving.  I don't think my heart would have ever had the revelation that I'm missing God and experiencing His love if I hadn't been able to count the cost and release my earthly father from his debt.

Lord, please change my heart.  My emotions, my will, my soul, and my body are all mine, but my heart is WHO I am.  I want my heart to be changed with the revelation of who God, my father, is.  I know that my heart won't change without that revelation.  I don't just want to know Jesus.  I don't just want to know the Holy Spirit.  I want my heart to know who my Father really is.  I want to know what it is to be a son.  A daughter.  Not just a friend of Jesus.

What was the cost?

Throughout my life I've had experience with forgiveness.  I can tell you what the word means, how to go about it, that it's healthy for you emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I can say I've gone through phases of forgiveness... I guess I would liken it as to an onion.  A metaphor most americans have used to describe a multitude of things.

However, I had an experience this weekend, but especially yesterday, that has left me in deep thought.

I will say that I've always known I had keene abandonment issues when it comes to the choices my father made.  The moment, at age 8, that I had to be strapped down to a hospital bed so that the nurses could take my own precious blood to prove Edward Kamerer was my father damaged me to the very core of who I was.  I'm 33  and I can still remember that moment in vivid detail.  It's a memory that damaged my psyche and planted the seed of self hatred, anxiety, and abandonment. I believed that if my own father didn't want me then no one would.  I've had people come into my life that only validated my belief because they always professed to adopt me as family (whether naturally or spiritually) , but then ended up rejecting or abandoning me. I knew that day haunted me, but I didn't know how to really deal with the damage.  Not to mention the damage it caused where I was unable to accept that God loved me.  Actually, I not only haven't been able to accept it, but I secretly hated him.  I felt he failed me.  Not only failed me, but failed in creating me.  I would sing the songs at church, or read scriptures about God's love, and subconsciously I'd always change the word, "God" to "Jesus" because I could accept that Jesus loved me, but not God the father.

To say that I've always struggled with depression is an understatement, but this last 1.5 year has been particularly difficult.  I've been screaming for help so long, with no help in sight, that I started to believe that no one could help me.  Actually, that's the message I was receiving from the doctors I visited.  I was clinically depressed, but this area didn't have any good resources to help.  I was floundering horribly because I couldn't see a door out of the hopelessness I felt almost every day.  It frustrated me to no end because I know triggers.  I know psycology.  I know how to help someone else 'snap' out of the funk, but I couldn't pull up anything to help myself.  I'm embarrassed to admit I woke up last week ready to check myself into the hospital because I saw no hope in front of me.  No door.  I couldn't think or analyze myself out of it!  I didn't want to check myself into the hospital because I was going to hurt myself.  I thought that if I did something that drastic that maybe I could finally find someone to help me.  I called Jason's pastor who was trying very hard to be helpful and ended up calling a therapist that I've heard about.  The experience was interesting and helpful.  I told him my life story in record time and at the end he asked me if I had any questions.  I did.  I asked him, flat out, if this was a waste of my time... could he help me.  He proceeded to tell me what he saw and it was quite shocking.  He believes I have a form of PTSD from the trauma I experienced as a child always looking over my back, trying to make sure I wouldn't experience abuse, ducking and dodging to make sure everything was okay.  He also thinks that my biggest problem isn't depression, but anxiety.  That if you look at a house no one ever thinks about the basement, but that my basement, and foundation, is full of anxiety.  That my anxieties actually trigger my depression.  He helped me remember/understand that I had simply forgotten how to recognize my 'triggers' to anxiety and told me he'd help me figure them out so that I could cope.  I left feeling very encouraged, but two days later I woke up in a funk, once again.

This weekend Jason forced me to go to something like a revival with people who are like minded believers.  I'm not too sure if I agree with everything Jason believes, but I will say that I met a remarkable wise man by the name of Mark.  His wife was great too, Lori.  We ended up talking for quite some time and the revelations he had about fear/anxiety/depression left me in tears.  Fear is actually the counterfiet of the prophetic... where you foresee the worst case scenerio and project it onto everything and everyone in your life and that depression comes in when you can't see an escape or door to escape.  That's when hopelessness creeps in and tries to suffocate the life out of you.  He also identified, clearly, that I have an orphan mentality.  An orphan believes that they have no one to count on.  That they are the only means of survival.  They figure out how to survive by will power, strong intellect, through their emotions, etc.  I've always survived off of my intellect and having the ability to read people or situations.  Not being able to do that, with this bout of depression I've had for the last year, has been suffocating any hope I had.

But that's not what left me pondering.  I met with them yesterday after having a horrible night thanks to anxiety.  They sat with me and then Mark looked right at me and told me it was time to forgive my father for his choices and failures that led to that painful experience when I was 8.  I kind of nodded, smiled, and thought, "Well, that's no surprise."  But, what he said after that has changed my viewpoint of forgiveness.  He said, to forgive, that we must take account of the COST that the incident or person caused you.  What did that cause me?  Well, I took on the belief that I had no worth.  That I wasn't wanted.  That father's were untrustworthy.  That I was unlovable.  That I deserved an apology... amongst a few other things.

He then told me that I needed to acknowledge the cost verbally and then RELEASE my father from his debt.  Acknowledging that he couldn't pay that back even if he was alive to apologize.  Then, ask the Lord to heal those areas and show me the true love of a Father.  Because, the one thing I've always wanted, and felt I deserved, was an apology.  The hardest thing I had to struggle with, after his murder, was that I could never hunt him down to ask "why" or to hear, "I'm sorry."  It's never going to happen so I believed I could never really gain healing.

It sounds so crazy as I type it out, but it was real... and very interesting.  It was freeing to finally identify just what that incident cost me, saying it out loud, choosing to release a debt that couldn't be repaid, and then asking the Lord to help me see the truth of a father's love.

But normally, to forgive, people think they'll jsut give it enough time until the pain goes away.  But, that's not true.  It's not validating the pain you've experienced, or the lies you've adopted, and then really realizing that xyz couldn't repay that debt even if they were able to.

I don't know.  It was interesting.

Also, as I reviewed that situation in prayer, it became clear that day also marked the beginning of my anxieties.  As they strapped me down, held me down, my mom left the room, and they proceeded to draw my blood I went from fear to straight up PANIC.  That moment, as I panicked in raw fear, the seed of anxiety was planted deep in my heart.  I believe that's when all of my high anxieties were born.  Interesting, huh.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'm hoping life gets brighter.  I'm hoping this process of forgiveness  will help me finally be the woman, and mother, I'm supposed to be.  That, as I heal, I can finally accept God as my father.  I hope that I'll no longer hate him, fear him, and cringe when I read, "God is love."  I hope that I can finally accept it, trust it, and see it for Him for Who/Want He really is... and that's Love.

I will also be seeing a specialized doctor in Lubbock in three weeks.  I'm hoping he can help me figure out what's going on with my body/hormones/chemistry that's aiding in the depression/physical struggles I've had since a child.

I realize I'm putting myself out into the world, but I have to believe that there are other women, and mother's who are struggling with such a personal struggle with depression.  It may not be depression you struggle with, but everyone needs to forgive someone who wounded them.  Maybe my journey, and struggles, can some how encourage others to know that they aren't alone.  That God cares for them even if they don't feel it... and that somewhere, some how, there is hope.

God Bless.

Clinical Depression?

I think I might have clinical depression.  It's kind of nice to admit, but exhausting to look at.  Just admitting it makes me want to take a nap and cry a little bit.

Yet, am I REALLY surprised?  No, not really.

I went to the doctor last week to do an annual appointment.  I asked her to do routine blood work including my thyroid.  I sat in her office weeping because I felt like something was wrong with me... hoping they'd find something that could be fixed with a pill of some sort.  She listened to me, very patiently, but at the end told me she doubted my blood work would come back with any problems.  She told me, very compassionately, that she thinks my problem may be bad clinical depression.  Then, in the next breath, she told me there was no resources in this town that could help me.  She said she sees people come into her office in a darker place then myself, but all she can pray is that they don't hurt themselves because there are no resources in this town to send them to.

I left her office very bummed, but still hopeful she was wrong.  Then I get the call today that my blood work is normal.  You'd think that would be something to celebrate, but I cried instead.  Then it's true, without God's grace, I'm screwed.  At least I'm screwed as long as I live here because the resources are limited.

See, this isn't the first time a medical professional looked at me and said something very similar.  I remember, in high school, I admitted myself into the psych ward because I just had no desire to live.  I sat there telling the intake lady how I was almost raped, bullied, abused, panic attacks, massive weight loss due to anorexia, rejection... the list when on.  They tested me for everything under the sun!  The doctors were all bewildered and told me, flat out, they couldn't find a single thing wrong with me.  They couldn't understand why I was so depressed.  A few days later, I was having a massive panic attack.  The nurse, who changed my life, was rubbing my back to calm me down when she said, "Janine.  There is nothing wrong with you.  The devil is just trying to kill you."  I realize, to my friends in the medical field, that sounds insane, but I find it to be true.  NORMALLY, if I can keep my eyes on Jesus, stay in the word, and work on my perspectives I can stay on top of the darkness/funk/fog, but once I lose track then it bombards me again.

Yet, I'm weary.  Exhausted.  My kids deserve better.  They deserve a mom who doesn't find it a chore to play with them.  Mind you, no one ever played with me as a kid, so I really struggle knowing 'how' to do that.  That doesn't mean my kids aren't loved.  I kiss them, hug them, and tell them I love them all of the time.  Yet, just the simple nursery rhyme overwhelms me because I don't know the lyrics.  No joke.  My friend just taught me the complete nursery rhyme "bakers man".  Now I sing it with Ben all the time because I know the lyrics.  I may hate playing with them, but I'm good at teaching and encouraging.

I've begged Jason to move out of this town for years, but recently I've increased my nagging.  I want to be in a town that has programs like, "Celebrate Recovery."  I've never been at my healthiest then when I was apart of that ministry at Vineyard.  I need to find people who understand depression and help you process your perspectives.  I've reached out to every pastor, or their wife, about my struggles and they always look at me like I have four heads.  They will say they'll pray for me, but no one - NO ONE - in this town has ever given me any follow through.  Or!  They have compassion and some kind of understanding, but once I leave their building I no longer exist.  I 'get' that pastors aren't equipped to help someone with depression, but what about follow through?  It's just so discouraging.  Am I really that screwed up that no one can help me? 

Ugh.  Thoughts/feelings like that only breed darkness because hopelessness creeps in and it's very difficult to combat hopelessness.

I've seriously battled depression since I was a small child.  A CHILD.  I've experienced every kind of abuse one could experience.  Thankfully, some of the abuse was less severe then what you hear about on the news, but nonetheless it was extremely scarring.  From sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, HORRENDOUS bullying when I was younger, rejection, abandonment... No wonder I struggle with self hatred and depression.

But, once again, I'll "put my big girl panties on" and battle to have a normal life.  I'll look into exercise again to release good endorphins and lose weight.  That alone, at the very least, will help combat the self hatred that I struggle with.  I'll plug into the books and biblical resources I have.  I'll hope that, as I seek His love, that the Love of Jesus will finally heal this weary soul.

I just wish God would heal me.  I'm 33.  Haven't I battled this 'demon' long enough?  I understand empathy.  I understand compassion.  All of my friends come to me with their problems because I can empathize, have experience that has given me some wisdom, and because I love them where they are at.  Thank you Lord... but, seriously... Can't this battle just be over with?

Disappointment

Recently the Lord has been showing me how deep the root of disappointment permeates my life.  I find it very interesting because I've always thought that the feelings of rejection and abandonment were the undercurrent within the relationships I've encountered.  However, now I realize that I feel those emotions after I feel disappointed with a situation or person. 

The more I ponder this epiphany the more I see it's long lasting tentacle.  I see how disappointment has changed the very way I think and process events and emotions.  Rejection and Abandonment defiinitely go hand-in-hand with disappointment.  Disappointment that my father didn't feel he could be in my life.  Disappointment that my mother didn't realize her choices were affecting me.  Disappointment that my years of being a child and teenager were often horrific, difficult, and very painful.  Disappointment that I had to live with friends as a teenager because it wasn't healthy to live with my mom. Disappointment that I spent holidays with friends and their families who loved me, but it was never 'my' family. Disappointment in having to flee Minnesota to break ties with my mom.  Disappointment I ended up in a cult.  Disappointment marriage wasn't what I thought it would be.  Disappointment in myself as I make repeated bad choices.  Disappointment that I had to do the mothering/parenting thing without family support.  Or the support of people who claimed they thought of me as a daughter.  Disappointment in leadership of churches who don't know what to do with me.  Disappointment in being perceived wrong.

The list goes on.

I can't tell you how powerful this discovery is.  I feel like I finally have a name to identify what actually triggers me.  What triggers my depression.  What triggers my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  The thing that has hurt me deeper then any hurt could go.

I was discussing this in detail with a beautiful friend when she said, "It sounds like the Lord is trying to show you that you can parent and live your life without people influencing your life like a mother or a father.  He wants you to know that you can do this, and do this well, with just God."

Her words have left me in a state of meditation.  Is she right?  Is that why God has allowed me to be (what feels) family-less?  With the loud echo of peoples footsteps as they've gone about their business, but  not remained in my life in the fashion THEY said they wanted to be?  Where I've had to figure life out by the seat of my pants with whatever mercy and grace the Lord gave me? 

As I drove into town this morning I found myself pondering that thought when it struck me... The Lord wants me to know Him as my mother.  As my father.  And as my friend.

I realize that sounds extremely corny.  It sounds like a bunch of 'christianese' or hyperspiritualizm, but it's true.  I think once I'm able to see Him as my Mother, my Father, and my Friend then I won't seek to find that in humanity.  I will no longer be left disappointed in something people cannot give me.  No matter how many times someone has wanted to 'adopt me' whether spiritually or naturally it always ends up in a bust because I was not formed in their womb.  I am not their child and my children are not their grandchildren. 

So that's my quest.  To finally banish this deep deep root of disappointment.  To find my source of love, joy, and peace in  the only source who will always love me, have my best interest at heart, and who wants to know me for the kind of person, mother, wife, or friend that I am.

All my life I've cried out to God to have family.  I think it's time I finally realize that He is my family.  He is the mother I've always wanted.  The father I used to cry to sleep wanting to have.  The friend who won't reject or abandon me.  I can find my support, love, and unconditional love in Him.  No, he can't watch my children or be with me on holidays, but he can whisper to my heart when I'm lonely, heal my inner wounds, and teach me how to be the mother, cook, and woman I desperately want to be.  He can convict me when I do wrong and encourage me when I do right.  He can be the parent(s) I've ached to have my entire life.

I really hope I can finally be cured of all this pain that seems to rear it's ugly head once I experience disappointment.  I don't want rejection and abandonment to influence my life anymore.  I want to feel connected to someone who will always be there.  I want to finally experience the kingdom of heaven... which I've recently discovered is simply living in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. 

"Wearing Disappointment"

This morning I chose to go to church.  I was mildly excited because all of my boys were healthy enough to be at church!  It was hard listening to the kids ask Jason if he was going with us.  We actually got into, yet, another disagreement about it.  It's so hard to honor his strong convictions about his dislike of the 'institution" of a church.  He's most definitely a believer, but he doesn't believe churches are what they are supposed to be.  For years I let that stop me from going to church, but now I'm trying to chose between 2 different churches.  They both have their pro's and cons.  I want to figure out which one to dive into!  I decided to go to the more charistmatic church because that's where I felt prompted.  I figured I could go and finally decide where I'm supposed to plant myself and my 3 boys.  Once I got there I realized I really didn't want to be there.  I know it's because of an offense so tried to just plug in and tell myself to 'get over it.'  The message was good, but it really didn't penetrate.  At the very end of service they were having a beautiful moment with the Holy Spirit.  The pastor asked everyone to ask the Holy Spirit what He wanted to say to them.  To sit there and listen.  I sat there feeling like an impenetrable wall... when all of a sudden I started to think about all of my hurts.  I had memories flash through my mind.  I was questioning the point in thinking about these situations when all of a sudden I heard myself pray, "Lord.  I'm so disappointed."  The moment I articulated the root of my wound I felt something break.  I wept.  I just kept telling him, "I'm so disappointed.  So disappointed" and I openly wept in my seat.  I realized that, in trying to be mature and 'move on', I had picked up my disappointment like a cloak.  I wore it to keep my hurts warm and then literally shut down.  I didn't know how else to be around people when I felt so wounded.  Without realizing it, I had shut down to try and protect myself.

2012 wasn't a great year for me.  I had beautiful highlights... I birthed my third son into this world.  His smile, love, and personality will forever mark my life.  I worked hard and lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I made, and cultivated, a few specific friendships that I believe I'll have in my life - in some form or other - for many many years to come.  The Lord showed me His Love and Faithfulness in financial ways that leave me humbled and so very thankful.

However, 2012 was also marked with much pain, fear, and keene disappointment.  I didn't listen to myself and ended up with a horrific birthing experience that left me in pain for months.  I was worried I'd never be able to hold my baby or function 'normally' ever again.  I experienced post partum depression that still makes me shake in my boots.  There were nights I could only cry out to God as I seriously contemplated abandoning my family or committing suicide.  I experienced disappointments with women that I thought would be able to support me, or even reach out to me, due to their 'title'.  I took people for their word when they said they'd call, but never did.  I had a family member resurrect herself in my life only to tear me down brutally.  I left a mom's program that I was apart of for 3 years because I was tired of being mistreated and felt there was nothing else to do but retreat.  I had someone I thought of as a mother say words to me that may haunt me for the rest of my life.  We haven't spoken since and I don't know if that relationship will ever be restored.  Having those words spoken to me triggered me bad.  I'm still haunted by the thoughts of, "If she would say this then maybe there something really wrong with me.  Maybe I am THE problem... A problem."  And finally, a week after that keene betrayal, I was told I wasn't allowed to return to a local mom's group because of half truths, lies, and full out slander.  I saw how isolated Joshua had become so I considered returning with hopes I could avoid the individuals who didn't like me.  However, I was mistreated, yet again, by leadership of a church.  When I went to the source there was no apology.  Even after I confronted the slander and proved their perceptions were wrong... No apology.  That experience didn't just hurt me, but my sons who won't be able to be apart of a program that helped all of us socialize. 

It was after the last two, very painful experiences, that I felt myself shut down.  I was so hurt that it took all I had to just get out of bed and try to function for the boys.  After a few days of crying I realized that I couldn't stay in that place so I thought I chose to forgive the situations, but that was a lie. I 'thought' I was being mature and handling it properly, but now I realize I had retreated within myself and wore my disappointments like a protective cloak.  I haven't read my bible or worked out for over a month.  I knew I'd feel better if I did those two things, but I couldn't seem to find the desire to do so.  I just put a smile on my face and plugged on trying to be a better mother, decent wife, and all around decent human being.  Little did I know I was rotting inside my cloak of disappointment.

I don't know what the year 2013 will bring.  I don't really know what to do with all my hurts and disappointments, but I realize now that I wasn't handling things as maturely as I thought I was.  I have to figure out how to acknowledge my disappointments and forgive.  Is it possible to forget painful things?  Or to remember them without feeling the sting of hatred, bitterness, and pain?  I don't know, but I have to finally figure it out.  I deserve better.  Jason deserves a whole woman and so do my kids.  I can't pretend I'm not wounded, but I also can't live in that pain either.  I need the Lord to show me how to really forgive and take the sting of all this disappointment away.

So here I am.  Taking my cloak off, acknowledging my disappointments, and figuring out how to make the rest of my life more whole.  I'm thankful the Holy Spirit revealed the truth to me.