A Fool

I have found myself going through the folders in an old/new email account.  I have to admit I’m shocked at what I’ve found.  I found my correspondence with Jason from 1999 – 2004.  That was back in the day when emails were text messages.  I wasn’t saddened reading it.  I was actually shocked to see that he was always a pretentious asshole who struggled with depression and self-hatred.  Saddened that I was so broken I couldn’t see what I was getting myself into.  I used to think using wordy/proper vocabulary was a sign of intelligence.  Now I just see it’s a way to hide their own insecurities behind lofty words.  He had so many apologies about his behavior.  So many emails about how lucky he was that I loved him.  Disgusting emails about Sam Soleyn’s teachings in the very beginning.  I still hate the word, “papa.”

I found a folder with my mom’s name.  That folder stunned me the most. God.  She was an abusive toxic bitch.  I had forgotten that my mom was my grandmother’s POA and that she was soley responsible for getting my grandma kicked out of her home because she stole her money to pay her own bills. My aunt Jane and I found out after the state of NM removed her rights and shut her account down.  My mom was furious.  I had forgotten how scared my grandma was of her.  Heck.  How scared we all were at her terrifying outbursts. I had forgotten that she destroyed my credit as a teenager by using my social security number to open up credit cards.  I discovered that when I was about 21 because creditors finally found me.  I had forgotten that she fled the state of Minnesota because the car people were trying to repo her car. I had forgotten how she quit several jobs because everyone was always against her.  I had forgotten how delusional she was.  Seriously, it was Bad.  Truly Truly Bad.  She was Always the Victim.  Always.

I had forgotten how evil Damon was.  How Evil Jason was letting him be Evil.  I had forgotten about how Carol played the field.  She told me she loved me, but then ran to others to say horrible things about me.  I can see now why I was so depressed.  Even a mentally healthy person would have been horrifically depressed in that family.

I went through and read some of my emails to Chad.  I made an utter fool of myself.  An utter fool.  I felt sick to my stomach reading how pathetic I was.  Seeing just how cruel he was and yet I hated ME.  I really thought he loved me and it was my fault he turned on me.

As I read all that, I found myself thinking, “You’re a fool.  A disgusting fool.  How could you be so stupid.  How could you be such a fool?”

I felt like a ton of bricks hit me as I asked myself those questions.  My mind suddenly cleared.  I, now, know why I have been so guarded.  So angry.  Truly despising others and God.

I’ve been so determined to not make a fool of myself that I quit altogether.  I couldn’t forgive myself for falling in love with another bastard.  I didn’t trust myself to love the right people.  I always fight for the wrong people.  I made a fool of myself with my mom, Jason, Carol, Amy, Deb, Dean, friendships, Chad, … got the list goes on and on.  I trusted people at their word.  I believed them.  I thought Amy was my best friend/sister.  I thought Deb and Carol were second mother’s to me.  I thought Jason and Chad loved me.  Seriously, my list of being a fool goes back into my child hood.  I trusted the baby sitters and neighbors not to molest me.  I trusted the guy friends who either tried to rape me or the one who succeeded.  I trusted the boyfriends who said they loved me, but always cheated.

I have made an utter fool of myself most of my life.

So why my rage with God? 

I feel like I made myself a Fool with God by seeking Him and running after him because it never Healed me.  Ever.  I trusted Him completely, but I still remained mentally ill.  I still remained unlovable. The word “love” equates with pain.  I felt like God made me a fool by giving me bi-polar.  I feel like God made me a fool by imprinting my very DNA to need love, but unable to find it.  I feel utterly betrayed by His very essence which IS Love.  I don’t trust anything to do with “love”.  Yet, I have to sit back and ask myself what God has actually Done To Me.  God may not have done what I ‘wanted’, but when Has God not Loved me?  He’s still been faithful when I renounced anything to do with him.  He still speaks to me.  Helps me.  He has always Seen Me.

I’m not quite sure what to do with this revelation.  Who can I fight for?  Maybe I can fight for Myself.  I can fight for my children.  I can trust Elisa and fight for her/build that relationship.  I can’t think of anyone else I trust to fight for. I know there has to be a balance somewhere. How can I fight to build a relationship with a God whose essence is the very thing that’s destroyed me?  How can I trust myself?  How can I trust others?

I do know that God isn’t evil.  Maybe I can start by trusting Him again?  Maybe that’s a safe place to start?  I know that I can trust in fighting for myself.  I do trust that.  That’s actually a beautiful thing that I could never ever do before.