Contentment

I read a blog that about contentment tonight that really resonated with me.

An excerpt:

"Most of all, we discovered that contentment is a state of the heart, unaffected by outward circumstances.

Contentment is a choice. So choose today to bloom where you’re planted. Choose to make the most of whatever situation you find yourself in. Choose to stop focusing on what you don’t have and start being thankful for the many blessings you do have.

And remember, no matter what difficulties you might be dealing with today, somebody else would love to be in your shoes."

~~

I really found this to be profound.  Contentment is a choice.  What is the state of my heart?  How can I change that?

I really need to remember this on days I'm blinded by myself and my circumstances.

Christmas

I really wish Christmas was never created.  Think how much easier it would be on all of us financially, emotionally, and physically if we didn't have to hum ho excitement/memories and then be forced to face the reality that it'll never match up to it.

If Christmas was never created then maybe we'd actually celebrate Christ's birth.  I mean we SAY that's the reason for the season, but what everyone really thinks about are the presents, the disappointments, family drama, and food.

It's insane.  Think about it.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  That's Christmas in a NUT SHELL.

It was special

Jadon has never been a big snuggler.  He was as a baby, but as time has gone on that changed.  I've secretly worried if that was a byproduct of sleep training, but I think that's just his personality.  Jadon is always on the move.  He may sit by you for a SHORT bit to watch tv or something, but it's inevitable he'll be on the go.

Jadon likes to run into our room in the morning once he wakes up.  It's super cute to hear, "HI Mom.  HI DAD." in his exuberant way, but it's painful so early in the morning. LOL  Shortly there after we'll hear, "Mickey Mouse in the better?"  That means, "can I please watch Mickey Mouse in the bedroom?"  He Loves Mickey Mouse.  He'll sit there and watch it quietly and patiently!  (I"m so going to use this show to potty train him.)  Well, this morning he didn't just sit at the end of the bed... he crawled up to me, I fluffed up a pillow, and he SNUGGLED with me for twenty minutes watching Mickey Mouse.  It was super sweet and special.  I've always been a snuggler.  I've been praying this would happen.  Not an urgent prayer, but just a, "Lord, it will be nice to snuggle with him some day" kind of prayer.  It warmed my heart.  Jason was jealous he had to get up for work!

I've also been working on snuggling more with Joshua.  He's growing so fast.  Really Really Fast.  I realized, last week, that my snuggling window with Joshua is closing fast.  In a blink of an eye he's going to be too big to rock.  I don't begrudge sleep training.  I love his independence, but I am also working very hard to cultivate snuggling with Joshua more.  Last night we put him in bed and he cried.  It wasn't his normal little whine before drifting off to sleep so I went into the room right away, picked him up, and rocked in the glider.  This sweet little kid snuggled up in my neck and fell asleep right away.  I rocked for a while enjoying the smell of our recently bathed/lotioned kidlet, and then placed him in his bed and enjoyed a quiet evening.


We went to church yesterday.  I really enjoyed the worship  The message was great as well.  Jason and I had to take turns in the nursery.  Jadon was not comfortable being left in there without us.  Joshua didn't care!  He was content the entire time, but Jadon was the same way at that age too.   Jason ended up hanging out in there most of the time. 

I'm having a hard time figuring out what my expectations for church fellowship should be.  Jason tells me the reason he's going back to church is to for others - that I hook back up with people, that the kids become more socialized, and for the community.  He has always been awkward during worship so helping Jadon get comfortable in the nursery is easier for him.  Plus, he isn't a people person.  So I guess I need to be okay with the fact that I'll be sitting alone.

I guess I walked in there wanting my old expectations.  I wanted to be able to put the kids in the nursery so we could go to church together.  I wanted to socialize.  I wanted to go to the fajita dinner, eat, socialize, laugh, and try to find a nook in that church... but having kids seems to mean I can't do that.  So, what should my expectations be as a mother?

We also made an extra step to go to the fajita Christmas dinner last night.  Everyone seemed nice and genuine... a few introduced themselves, but no one really went out of there way to talk to us.  I didn't feel like it was clicky... but maybe they just felt awkward too.  Plus, Jadon didn't want to sit still.  I let him run the halls before we ate, but even then he wasn't happy sitting.  Jason took him to the room where the other kids (just a few) were playing and just hung out there all evening.  That left me with Joshua.  Joshua wanted to crawl/walk.  I felt like I couldn't sit and talk to anyone because I was constantly on my toes trying to make sure I knew where he was, etc.  I ended up telling Jason I just wanted to leave about an hour later.  Jason didn't really want to leave.  He wanted me to socialize more, but I didn't feel like I could.  Jason said, "I don't think you know what you want."  I told him that was really mean of him to say and I cried most of the way home.  (Later he hugged me and told me he understands that it's hard getting back into the swing of things.)

It isn't that I don't know what I want.  I want fellowship.  I want to make friends.  I want to socialize!!!!  But I don't know HOW to do that if I'm constantly corralling a kid (or two.)  We just don't fit into normal socializing with little kids.  Or, I can let Jason take all the kids (which he's fine with) but where is his socializing going to come from?  I want to do it together.

Please don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't' trade my kids or life for ANYTHING... but there are moments I miss the days when it was just about me.  Prior to kids I would have walked into that church, socialized my butt off, and left feeling like I had the potential to really fit in. 

We're definitely going to return to the church.  I didn't dislike it, the message, or the people.  Maybe it'll get easier ... and people will get to know us and even help me hold Joshua or something so I can talk to people.  I won't feel like my kids are distracting everyone as they explore.  I dunno.

A Special Evening!

One of the many things I love about my husband is his thoughtful romantic nature.  He listens to me when I don't realize it.

I have been thinking about buying some ready-made Christmas cookies, but I hadn't done it yet.  I have always wanted to make homemade cookies.  I've tried, a few times, to do it myself but it's never gone well.  My mom was a good cook, but never a baker.  The only time she ever baked sweets was with ready made cookie doh.   It might sound corny, but it's always been a dream of mine to make cookies homemade with my kids and create those special memories.

Jason came home tonight with a recipe for sugar cookies and the ingredients we'd need to make them by scratch.  I was instantly excited because he's much more patient and thorough than I.  I suggested we bake them with Jadon.  I knew he'd enjoy it!  We ate a delicious dinner and right afterwards we started making the cookies.  Jadon was a part of everything. He was having so much fun!  He'd push the chair to the counter (we moved to different areas for space) and say, "Goona make the cookies".  He Loved pouring all of the ingredients into the bowl!  And he was in heaven holding the mixer while daddy mixed it all together.

Once everything was mixed we realized that we were going to need cookie cutter shapes and a rolling pin.  (Like I said, I don't bake.)  It was 6pm and I told Jason I'd run to the dollar stores to see what I could find.  I offered to take Jadon because I knew he wanted to get out of the house as well.  He ran around saying, "Go in the car.  Where are my spiderman shoes?"

I should point out that Hobbs had a Christmas parade last Saturday.  I had every intention of taking Jadon, but it just didn't pan out.  I felt so guilty.  I felt so lazy, but it would have been so much work to make it happen.

As I was leaving the house I started to take first street, but I suddenly knew (Holy Spirit, imho) that I needed to turn around and take second street so that I could glide right into the Dollar General parking lot.  I listened and as I drove up to the store I couldn't figure out why I was hearing so many police sirens and why all of the streets were so full!  I parked in front of DG and as I turned around I realized that Lovington was about to have their LIGHTS PARADE!!!!!!!!!!!  I truly couldn't have timed it better!!!!  I felt all choked up.  I felt like it was a gift from the Lord... yet another thing I couldn't have planned if I tried.  Jadon and I had a FRONT ROW seat all of the lights!  It was so special!  He was in awe of all the lights and kept yelling, "Merry Christmas" to the vehicles.  It was just so emotional and beautiful!  I wanted to take him to a parade.  Without knowing it, the Hobbs parade just wasn't the parade I was supposed to take him to!

Near the end Jadon was done and asked to go into the store.  I found PERFECT cookie cutters for a $1.00!  Then I went to Alco and found a NICE rolling pin that'll last me my lifetime for six bucks!  Jadon was so precious.  He kept telling everyone, "Merry Christmas."  He was such a big listener!

When we came home I discovered that Jason had bathed Joshua while we were gone!  Jadon kept saying, "make the cookies!"  Jason rolled out the dough and Jadon picked out the cookie cutter shapes he wanted to use.  I bathed Jadon and when bath time was done we ate cookies.  It was so much fun.  It was beautiful.  I can't put into words just how special the entire evening was.  I was living a dream I had always dreamed deep with in my soul.

Jadon was so content he didn't even ask for story time when he crashed a little after 8.  Of course, Jason and I don't want to think of all the calories we've had after all the cookies we just ate.  They are Delicious!  The best sugar cookies I've ever had!

After the boys were in asleep we played, "Boom Blox" on the Wii.  It was fun!

There are moments like this that just takes my breath away.  I'm left humbled and thankful to live this life I'm living with the husband and children the Lord has so graciously given me.  Jason gifted me with a moment I always wanted.  I can only hope we continue this tradition years and years to come.

Out of His Love

Jadon spent the night at mom's last night.  I was excited for the opportunity to be a mom to just one child for a day, but when I dropped him off my heart hurt!  I missed him immediately!  It felt like I was leaving half my heart with mom.  I almost cried.  It was odd for me.  It made me wonder how parents live when they've lost a child... or how parents function when they can't see their kids every day.  My heart hurt for them too.  It also made me think of my mom.  To say we've had 'issues' is an understatement of the century, but it made me wonder how she must feel not seeing or talking to me.  I called and talked with her for a short bit.  I was excited to use that time to spend it with Jason, but that didn't work out like I planned.  I'm definitely a little disappointed about that.  Joshua misses Jadon as well.  You can tell he's bored out of his mind without his brother here.  :P

My mom sent me a voice recording of the last conversations he had with my uncle paul (her brother.)  I cried.  I had completely forgotten what his voice sounded like after 20 years.  It made me wonder what my life would have been if he hadn't died.  A part of my mom died that day... she was never the same.  To have his support for the both of us may have made my life a little better (hers too.)  Plus, to have a father figure it my life would have been so critical.  I would have loved to have known him as an adult.  To hear him laugh and to know a male in my family.  It's amazing that his loss still hurts even 22 yrs later.

Joshua is walking!  Well, he's made up to 5 steps, but it's primarily 3.  I can't believe he's doing all this so early.  Jadon didn't start walking until the 13th month.  I'm really praying because I think Joshua is going to be my 'daredevil' who just does it without thinking it through.  It makes me a little nervous! 

Here's a video of Joshua making his steps:
http://www.facebook.com/janine.teague?v=app_2392950137#!/video/video.php?v=10150101675135365


And here's a picture of Joshua and I in a cute outfit my aunt Jane got him:

I can't believe how Good the Lord has been to give us such beautiful little people.  Lately it's really been hitting me hard realizing that the Lord gives just because He loves me... not because I've done one thing to deserve it.

If I sat here and typed out all the things He's given me out of Love vs. what I deserve.  Well, it would take a very long time.  but, yet, there's a part of me that wonders what my life would be like if I actually built intimacy with Him the way my heart yearns to.

Interesting thought.

Life

I can't think of a catchy title so I decided to settle for, "life."  Please know that my thoughts are very scattered right now so I may have a few run-on sentences.

I'm enjoying the beautiful silence.  Everyone was asleep by 7:30pm.  I realize I should have gone to bed too, but I just wanted to embrace the solitude.  I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I should embrace the laughter, constant questions, eagerness to be taught/played with, and smiles of my boys more than this beautiful silence.

I wish I didn't' feel so much guilt.  It drives almost every aspect of my life.  Guilt to be a better homemaker.  Guilt to be a more 'present' mother.  Guilt for going off budget.  Guilt for bringing up ideas of stuff to buy when most of it isn't a need.  Guilt for yoyo'ing so much with my weight because I use food to fill the boredom and stressed mode.. (well, maybe that's more shame than guilt.)

Guilt that dinner wasn't as good as it could have been.  Guilt that I didn't' send a thank you note.  Guilt that I shut my husband down because I didn't stop to think how my comment sounded.  Guilt for losing my temper.  Guilt for feeling smothered when Jadon just wants to be tackled so he can feel loved.  Guilt for being on the computer way too much... and guilt for letting TV be their entertainment more than I.

Oh, and guilt that my relationship with the Lord is riding on fumes of the past and not waves in the present.

Maybe if I didn't feel sub-par so much I'd actually want to be more present?  Or maybe it's the simple fact that it's hard being a stay-at-home-mom because the only break you get is when both kids are sleeping.

I don't need anyone to tell me how blessed I am.  I truly get that more than anyone else.  Jason may want drive me up the wall at times (and I him), but I know he's my greatest gift outside of my salvation and our two beautiful boys.

In all that, I have had a small break through with our trip to Dallas.  Amy, and her entire family, really helped me see what a Good job I'm doing.  I realize Jadon is a great kid just because it's who he is... but even in that greatness he wouldn't be polite if I wasn't teaching it to him.  He wouldn't know his letters, numbers, shapes, colors, or animals if someone wasn't sitting down with him to teach him.  He wouldn't hug everyone (even strangers *blush) if he wasn't first hugged constantly so he thinks it's normal.  Jadon certainly wouldn't eat if the food didn't taste good. LOL

I pray that I can start to see the truth more than this guilt that rides me.  I wish I could identify the truth in the lie and only embrace what's going to help me grow.  I want to be more present instead of overwhelmed that I am the end all be all (outside of Mickey Mouse, of course. lol) 

I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me every day, but I know that's because of His Love... not because of an intimate friendship.  I pray that changes, but more than anything I pray our children Know Him in a way we only dreamed possible.  His Love, His Truth, His Voice, and His never ending forgiveness.

I really want to enjoy every moment because I know it slips by so quickly.