Just to write

All I want to do is write.  I think about everything I want to say during the day, but once I get home all I want to do is veg.

But.  Not tonight.  I thought I'd try and get everything out of my head, through my fingers, and onto 'paper.'

I have cried a lot these last 2 months.  The shock of being dumb enough to put myself in a situation to be violated.  To discovered I was stalked, betrayed, and lied to ... God.  It was rough.  Truly Truly rough.

But.  I'm coming out of that dark painful hole.

I still struggle with the reality that there is no justice.  Jason will get away with everything he's done to me.  Knowing that challenges my faith.  It's made me question God's love.  It's made me question my value.  How could my father, and husband, let anyone DO that to someone if He loves me?

Yet, then I realize that He's the one who brought all of it to the light.  The truth wasn't pretty to look at, but now I finally have it.

I cling to this beautiful house like a corner stone.  I can't believe I am not only moving into a home, but a home I can afford with details of a lilac bush and a pom tree.  Only God would know the importance of that.

I read James and feel immense conviction.  My feelings of jealousy and betrayal aren't hurting Jason.  They are sinful and hurting Me.  I've found myself repenting for all of these feelings that have choked the life out of my beautiful smile.  Whenever I think of Jason's betrayal I find myself praying, out loud, "I forgive him.  I don't want to think about them." And then choose to redirect my thoughts.

And it's not that I want to be with Jason.  I don't.  It's the betrayal and rejection that hurts.

I have to wonder if the justice I want is actually going to come in the form of living a happy free life out of the grips of someone who never liked me.  Aren't I worth fighting for?  I know that I'm worth dying for because Christ died just for me so that I wouldn't be rejected or cast aside anymore.

I wouldn't have impacted certain lives if I hadn't broken out of that cult.  I woldn't know the friends that I know.  I wouldn't be moving into this house.  I wouldnt have a job at the city.

So.  I'm trying to forgive, move on, and look towards all that God has done instead of the memories of cruelty, hatred, and the ultimate betrayal.

True Pain

Man. I used to think I knew what pain was. Heck, I had quite a history with it. I could tell you I had known every form of abuse known to man. My testimony could bring tears to the eyes of strangers wondering anyone could survive what I survived.

That pain almost seems laughable. A drop in the bucket compared to the pain I've felt these last few weeks. Now I know what true mind numbing, heart wrenching, screaming sobs, painful betrayal really feels like.

And it's ugly. It's painful. It's scary. It's deeper than any ocean, wider than any crevice, and just flat ugly. I can't imagine any pain greater than this... yet I know it's possible. I know losing the death of a child can be deeper than screaming unabated, raging, griping pain. And, to whoever you are.... You have my deepest condolences. My deepest empathy. My deepest compassion. I ache just imagining what your heart, mind, and body must feel like. I don't know you, but I love you. With the deepest open love possible. I knew that Jason was in a cult. I knew that he was mean. I knew that he was cruel, but I never fathomed he could be capable of such heinous, conscious searing, choices. I knew that Ronnie Harris had some wacked out beliefs, but I never thought he'd support such repulsive choices. I always thought the good in those people would some how win over the evil. I never thought he could lie to my face. I never thought he could be capable of such hated. I never thought he would become an uglier version that his brother. That, alone, is a hard thing to attain. Yet, he has no sorrow. No apologies. He acts like he's a prophet of old exposing jezebel. He actually laughed at me about it. I feel so violated. I would rather endue the rape of my body than to experience this type of rape. It's heinous. It's evil. And this "Nara" woman. I'm told I can't hate her or blame her. Even though she openly pursued a married man. The sin lies soley on Jason because HE was the one I was in covenant with. I can't tell you the depth of betrayal knowing I was begging him like a dog for him to fight for us...and during that entire time he was with her. No wonder he didn't feel 'married' to me!!!!!! And then there's the kids. It is going to be the biggest challenge of my life to act unaffected by all of this. I made a big mistake today and unloaded on the kids after they got home from her house. Joshua actually cried. I did major damage control, repented, and fixed my mix up.... but I don't know how to continually handle hearing them sing her praises. Even tonight, as we sang our "love you song" we always come to a point where we list the people we love and Joshua listed that woman. No joke, I immediately started to cry because it hurt so bad. I choked the tears back and let them finish the song. How am I going to handle their wedding? And the fact that she's going to be their step mom. She will be at their weddings. They will be there together. Happy. Forever. That was supposed to be me. He was supposed to love me, chose me, and fight for me. And yet he's pursuing someone else and has been well before we were divorced. I just don't understand how Jason has gotten away with all he's done. Where is the justice? Doesn't God care that Jason has used HIS name to destroy a family and another human being? Doesn't he care? How can he say that Jesus is the son of God and yet have no conscious? It's the first time in my life that I don't like what the Bible says. I actually feel anger at the teachings of Jesus. I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to love my enemies. I don't want to pray for them. I just want them to hurt as much as I am. :( He seems so peaceful. So happy. Singing the tune that he stayed the course, trusted God, gave up his family, and just like Job God is restoring it ten fold with this woman. And, I'm not. I'm broken. Devestated. Hurting. Confused. Still. I just don't understand. So. I cry. I cry a lot. I keep turning to scripture trying to find answers to all this pain. Trying to trust He really will turn take beauty from ashes. Taking one moment. One step at a time hoping it's the right step. Crying out for discernment and healing. Begging for Justice. Begging for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I just don't understand how God is allowing Jason to get away with all he's done. It's not fair.