Women's 2016 Conference

I thought it prudent to blog about my experience at the 2016 Women's Conference so that I could have a record.  The topic was, "Thee Amazing Grace."  My favorite speakers were Heather and Cigi who honed in on what 'Grace' really is.

I think we've all heard it before.  Grace is God's Unmerited and undeserved Favor.  Ciji used a profound example of being pulled by a rope.  No matter how much she planned her firm stance, or new tactic, she was always pulled across the stage.  It wasn't because she wasn't brave enough, or smart enough, or obedient enough... she simply couldn't do it on her own.  We are all like that rope being pulled around by our current struggles because we aren't surrendering to our Father who can take care of it.  My emotions drag me around all of the time.  I've been trying so hard to do everything in my own power and insight... to make people proud of me, to make God proud of me, and to be proud of myself.  I lost sight of the fact that surrendering to God - and making time for Him - is when, and how, my life will actually change.  That's where my power comes from.

All of that was Great!

But it was the "Small things" that may have impacted me the most, and to my complete surprise, they were all centered around music.

1.  I looked at the gift shop full of items that people had made.  They ranged from paintings, to jewelry, and decorations.  All of the proceeds went to the kids backpack program for Lea County.  As I was wandering around I noticed this breathtaking photo painted by Phil Hahn.  It's of two dancers.  As most of you know, I love to dance.  It holds deep meaning for me.  I looked at the price of the painting and kept on walking.  I was surprised when Pastor Ty announced that all remaining items were 50 percent off.  I thought I would see what was left... I was shocked to discover that the dancer painting was still there!  I hung around until most of the ladies had left, but the painting was still there.  I couldn't take my eyes off of it!  Whenever I looked at the painting it made me think of how I envision the Lord dancing with me.  I didn't have the money they wanted at 50% off, but I when it didn't sell I walked up to the lady and bashfully offered what I did have... and she TOOK IT!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!!!

This BEAUTIFUL hand painted painting is MINE!!!  It's me and the Lord dancing!  The essence of joy that my soul experiences when I get to dance.  The photo doesn't do it justice!




2. Music.  In December 2013, right before I realized we were in a cult, we took a trip to see my brother.  "Shores" had just come out.  Jason didn't like the song much, but he humored me and let me belt it out a few times on the trip.  I remember connecting with that song on a deep level... it was as if my very spirit sang the lyrics. As I sang that song I asked God to allow me to trust him beyond stormy waters.  To make me brave.  To wash away depression.  Breathe life into these bones...

Two months later I found out that I was in a cult and my marriage came to an end.

3. Moriah Peters created an amazing song called, "Brave."  I played that song over, and over, and over again.  It was my mantra when I faced life without Jason as a single mother.  I sang that song when I had to find the strength to return to work after being out of work for 7 years.  I sang that song when my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest.  I sang that song when I needed bravery to face nights alone when my kids were with their dad.

I sang that song so much that it is still Ben's favorite song.  He is ADORABLE when he sings it!

Well!  Much to my surprise MORIAH PETERS was There in concert!!!  She sang that song live!

See.  I haven't been brave as of late.  I've been so beaten down with Shame.  Fear that I deserve to be mistreated or abandoned because I am broken.  My shame, and insecurities, started to become my identity.  As I stood there singing that song I remembered, in my spirit, how I challenged myself to be brave.  How I chose to surrender to God and trust him in my stormy seas.  I realized that I could be brave again.

And then worship happened.  They sang, "Shores" and then, "Good Good Father."

4.  The next song that changed my life has been, "Good Good Father." God used that song to heal a deep breech in my relationship with Him.  I finally found the understanding that God is my father.  Not just my Father, but He's Good.  Really Good.  And Trustworthy.  And He loves me.  It's who I am.

I had forgotten that He loved me.  My shame and insecurities were louder than that fundamental truth.

5. The theme song for the concert was, "Broken Vessels".  I wept as I sang it.  It has quickly become my new mantra song.  A reminder that I need to surrender.  Surrender it all.  Amazing Grace.  How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  Raising up the broken to life.

I wept.

It all sounds so cheesy when I type it up, but it really was profound.  Then God gave me that beautiful painting to show me that He knows my hearts cry and that He wants to dance with me  .

~~

Outside of the conference, my other profound moments were with Naomi.  She helped me be brave and do something that I didn't have the courage to do.  I have a hard time sleeping... but I crashed, deeply, and quickly, at her house.  I slept peacefully all night long and woke up rested.  Her place was so peaceful and full of the holy spirit.  She got up early to read her bible ... and I realized what I was missing.  I don't make time to start my day out right.  I haven't been trusting God with my future.  I've been too afraid that I was so broken that I didn't deserve more that what I was living.  I lost sight of God's Power that He promises in Ephesians.  I lost Hope too.

But, as I laid there, reading my bible, after a peaceful nights sleep, in my friends peaceful home... I felt something deep wake up within me.

It was awesome.