Realizations

I've had a lot of reality shifts these last few days.

I'm surprised how little I miss facebook.  I haven't wanted to go back.  I thought for sure, by now, that I would be itching to return.

I found out that Jason, and his 'source' have been stalking me for over a year.  Yup.  Stalking me.  Heck.  They still may be on this blog, but I am not going to shut myself down because there is someone evil out there.

Then, as I drove to get Jadon, these realizations hit me like a ton of bricks:

Jason abandoned me, cheated on me, lied to me, stalked me, and abused me mentally and spiritually.  Yet, he still calls himself a 'righteous man.'

Finding out what he, and his 'source', have been doing has made me feel raped all over again.  However, what they've done feels far worse than what happened to my body 2 weeks ago.  What they did was premeditated.  What they did violated my dignity, my privacy, and my personal space.  What's sick?  They did it with no qualms.  No convictions.  Only sickening 'righteousness.'

I feel a tremendous amount of hated.  I know that it's not healthy for me to feel.  I Will process it.  I Will Heal, but at this moment my hatred feels justified.  I have never wanted any person to ever exit my life as much as I want my ex husband to just LEAVE me alone.   I do not want him.  I do not want to see him.  It's a beautiful thing.  I have made a lot of mistakes in this path called life.  Truly, a lot of mistakes.  I feel like an utter fool for begging that man to choose me. To choose our family.

Yet.  I don't.  I did the right thing.  I fought for my marriage and now I'm gladly moving on.  I am so glad I'm not with a man who would do all that he's done to me.  Nara, his mom, and his brother can have him.

Speaking of moving on...

I had some beautiful moments with my kids these last few days.  Joshua had a GREAT week at school!  He got a smiley face every day!!  So I took him out for a date with mom on Friday.  He got his favorite slushie and then we went to Cornerstone for an eauclair.  Here's a photo:

My beautiful boy was so excited and appreciative.  It was a beautiful date.  I am so glad I'm his mommy!

Jadon and I had a date today.  We went shoe shopping and then he got his beloved slushie.  I regret that I didn't get a photo!  But, we had a good time!  He loves his new shoes.  They light up different colors.  He's so charming. I was surprised when he chose the peach mango slushie flavor.  So nasty, LOL!  We held hands and loved each other in that hour.

Prior to that I went to bible study.  We are doing a book about prayer.  I'm kind of bored with it so far, but the end looks good.  I can't wait to read more about praying the various names of God.  It also goes over the names/roles of the holy spirit.

After Jadon, I grocery shopped and heading home.  I bought a pork chop from kendalls and came home to fry up onions/peppers/zucchini.  Now I blog while my feet are up.  I feel relief to know that I no longer have a man in my life that thinks it's okay to do all the horrible things he's been capable of.

48 hours. Things change quickly.

It's amazing what can happen in 24 - 48 hours.

I discovered Jason is a liar, a cheater, and out to hurt me.  Not in a physical manner, but most definitely in a psychological and hateful manner.  He actually introduced our babies to another woman 2 years ago.  I didn't think anything of it when she bought them Christmas gifts 2 years in a row because the 'story' is that she as just a nice lady in his group.  The kids have even called her 'family' which I corrected and told them no one in his group is 'family.'  Everything started adding up these last few days by the kids behavior, the things they were saying, and when I confronted Jason.  I was ship wrecked.  Devastated.  He didn't just abandon me for a cult, but he abandoned me for a woman.  A pretty woman too.  A woman my age, in his group, who has two small kids.  They have actually integrated the kids together.  I have never, ever, known such painful betrayal.  I couldn't stop crying.  It was horrible.  I knew that he was going to date.  I knew that his group would find him a woman, but I never fathomed he'd sink so low as to do it when we were still very much married.  Now I know why he's been pushing for the divorce papers to be filed so urgently.  It isn't for closure, its' to finally move on with "Nara."

Then I find out he's sent someone to spy on my facebook.  They have been reporting to him, but what they reported wasn't the full truth.  It was lots of twisted truth.  Twisted truth he willingly believed.

Did he ever love me?  Ever respect me?  How could I be with someone for half my life that has become such a cold hearted, calculated, hateful, betrayer?  To not only see the worse in me, but WANT to make it come out?  How can anyone claim to know Jesus and do that?!

I just don't get it.  I can't fathom how to live with such horrendous betrayal.  I truly hate him.  How could anyone claim to love God, and be a christian, yet refuse to apologize or own any of his damage?  It baffles me.

He actually called my job today to accuse me of something that had no merit.  He, and his spy, were finally busted in the act.  I couldn't believe his audacity... and then he hangs up on ME.  I had to choose to stop shaking and focus on the job I love.  And, I did.  I not only did that, but I got out of bed when all I wanted to do is wallow in my depression.  I chose to put a smile on my face until it felt less fake.  I chose to get my kids ready and stay calm even when Jadon pushed every button with his attitudes.  I chose to disconnect an avenue that no longer held growth for me.

I don't know.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of people walking out of my life so easily.  I wish I didn't fear the future.  I have to cling to hope like a life line.  All I want to do is be productive at my job.  To love my kids and to be loved by a man for the rest of my life.  I'm seriously starting to doubt if there are any good guys left.

But, I do know something.  I am done with joint birthday parties.  I am done with open communication.  He can call the teachers to ask about parent teacher conferences.  I'll call him for emergencies, but that's it.  I am so ready to move forward without his influence, in any way, with my life.  I'm done with his hatred, coldness, and lack of love.  He can sleep with his evilness and I'll sleep with mine.

Some day.  Some how.  God has to judge what he's done to me... right?  That's what scripture states and scripture doesn't lie.

And now I must find hope, because right now I don't see much.  I'm going to find ways to not be lonely.  I'm going to continue to be the best mom I can be, make friends, do a good job at my work, and try to lose weight again.

I want to thank the people who understood my rage, told me they were sorry for the pain I felt, and loved me through it without thinking I needed nothing but tough love.  Clearly, my kids will always come first.  I want to thank Laura who was at my house when a bogus police welfare check was sent to my home.  Who brought ice cream and held me in her arms while I sobbed.  For my friend Dennis who has been through a painful divorce, hugged me, listened, and then gave me truth in a way I could hear.

I can't believe he left me for a cult and betrayed me for a woman.  He never once fought for me because he didn't want me.  He never did.  I just wish she wasn't so pretty.

He is a true piece of work and I do not see God in him at all.

Finding my voice

I feel like I've lost so much.  I've lost my path, my dignity, my heart, my tears, my pride, but tonight I realized the greatest loss of all has been my voice. I'm not sure when I lost it.  I think I lost it in pieces.  I lost it when I found out someone I trusted was talking behind my back.  I think I lost when I I started making bad choices and felt like I had to hide them.  I think I lost my voice when my shame and pain became louder than my truth.  I think I lost my voice when I got tired of feeling like I had to hide.

But, tonight, I realized that I'm tired of hiding.  I'm tired of feeling like I lost a piece of who I am.  Not only by the choices that I've made, but mainly by the fact that I'm afraid to talk.

I was date raped.

I haven't pressed charges because I can't handle the legalities, the charges, the court, my responsibility in the disaster, or the fact that it'll be on paper forever.  I have talked to the police.  I have eliminated this person from my life.  But, it happened.  The flashbacks suck.  It's forever changed who I am.  I thought he was my friend and trustworthy, but all he wanted was what he wanted.

I can't tell you what it's done to me to realize I put myself in that situation.  Does that make it my fault?  I said, "no."  I said, "no" many times.  What's most shocking and terrifying?   I didn't fight him.  I didn't push him off of me.  I didn't run.  I just said, "no", and laid there in shock, covering my eyess as tightly as I could, wishing for it to be over.  And once it was over I curled up in a fetal position and sobbed like my very life was over.  And his response?  He told me not to cry.  That he did it 'for me'.  I had enough rage and words to tell him that it had nothing to do with me, but him.  Some how I managed to get my clothes on and drive home.  I don't know how I made it home.  I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe.  I shook from the inside out for 2 days straight.  I sobbed like I've never sobbed before.  Did I mention the shaking?  I was too afraid to tell anyone, but to the VERY few I told I always found myself cringing and sinking into the couch ... as if I just shrunk any lower that the memory would feel less sickening.  Maybe if I shrunk lower then the memory would feel more far away.  But, the memories didn't go away.  However, the shaking did diminish with time.

The biggest thing have been the questions.   Did I deserve it?  I said no, but I was also at his place.  Yes, I just brought him medicine, but when he asked me to come in I should have said no.  But, I was upset about prior bad choices I had made.  He promised me nothing would happen.  That he just wanted to be there for me.  He talked such a good game.  Even insisted on holding me while I sobbed, but truly he just wanted what he wanted.  And, he got it.  He took it.

I have talked to my counselor about this.  I told him every detail... almost begging him to tell me it really was my fault.  How could it be rape when it wasn't violent? Shouldn't rape be violent?  I said no, but my body responded... so does that mean I wanted what he did?  Do I deserve this because I was in his house?  Do I deserve this because I went 2 months being a little crazy, losing myself in dancing, 2 guys, and occasional drinks?  I fell hard for a guy who prayed every night with me, made me laugh, and introduced me to experiences and feelings I only dreamed were possible.  Once he walked out of my life, in such a painful way, I couldn't seem to close the pandora's box that he opened.  I felt cheated out of 'fun' since I had always been 'the good girl.'  Did that mean I deserved to be violated so badly?

The answer is, "NO."  I did not deserve that.  I said No.  But he chose to ignore my, "no" and take what he wanted.

So now what?  Seriously.  Now what?  I've lost so much.  I've lost the respect of my mentor.  I lost my own respect.  I lost myself.  I lost my voice.  I lost my dignity.  I may lose more after some read this, but I'm tired of hiding.

But you know what I didn't lose?  The love of my Father.  I didn't lose the love of my kids.  I didn't lose the love of my friends.  I didn't lose my life.  I didn't lose my bible.  I didn't lose the acceptance, and intercession, of my Jesus.  I didn't lose the Holy Spirit who is my best friend and my counselor.  I didn't lose my home that I have personalized.  I didn't lose a job that I love.  I didn't lose my heart that still wants to honor God.  I am still alive.  There has to be hope in that.

Want to know what else is amazing?  How quickly God has redeemed so much within me.  I have read the bible stories of the woman at the well, of the woman who was going to be stoned for adultry, and how Mary washed Jesus' feet with oils.  I read them all, but they didn't mean much to me.  They were just stories.  They weren't personalized... but they sure are now.  I can only imagine how the woman at the well felt when she simply went for water, but this man told her how many men she had slept with.  I can imagine he must have told her with such deep compassion in his eyes.  He stated the simple truth of her sin, but his love encompassed her.  Not his judgement.

Or how about the woman who had been caught having sex with a married man?!  My God.  Can you imagine the same.  The shock.  The mind numbing fear she faced as she was brought before men who were going to stone her to death.  Stoning was no joke.  It was painful.  It was slow.  Yet, Jesus took her by the hand and wrote words in the sand that caused all of the judging hateful men to turn around and go home.  And then he said simple words... "Go and sin no more."  He forgave her.  He saved her.  Her life.  Her body.  Her Soul.

And Mary.  The fortune she poured on Jesus' feet just to honor him.  To wash him.  To show her appreciation for the depth of hell He saved her from.  The hope she had when, prior to that, she must have hated herself as much as I have.  She humbled herself and used her very own hair to anoint the king of Kings.  The son of God.  She did that before the most judgmental hateful men alive.  The sanhedrin.  The pharisees whose pride knew no bounds.  Could I have had the courage, and heart, to do that?  To face even more judgment than I had already lived with?  Yet, she didn't care.  Her gratitude for being saved... her gratitude for having hope was far greater than any judgement she'd face.

I have repented before God in the deepest recesses of my soul.  I have wept and shook as the bible became real for me in a way it's never been before.  I messed up.  I messed up bad.  Yet, His love never left me.  He's forgiven me.  He's still talking to me and prompting me to do things differently.  He sent me a new friend.  He sent me a job that I love.  A busy job that pays my bills, has opened new doors, and keeps me super busy.  Just last night I knew that I needed to go to church so I made sure to go to the early service since I was working the 10am.  When I walked in I ran into a lady who has always been a cheerleader for me.  She hugged me tight, told me how beautiful I looked, and then told me she's been praying for me.  I choked up and held her tight.  Because, no one knows what I've faced.  She certainly didn't.  As she held me I saw her angel necklace and touched it.  She looked at me and said, "Do you need an angel?"  And then took it off of her neck and GAVE ME her Necklace.  I cried.  I insisted she didn't need to do that, but she said it was mine.  She wanted me to have an angel to know that I am never alone.  Only the closest people in my life know the deep meaning of that.  God was reminding me of my vision.  Reminding me that I'm not alone.  I'm thankful I finally started the lose the disgusting pride I carried at only being with 'one' man.  I am pretty sure that pride is what helped set up my swift fall.

And then the service.  It was all about our stories.  How we need to stop using our stories as a depressing crutch.  Instead, to use our stories as a threshold to push past because God has a plan for our lives.  To create a new spirit within me.  It was phenomenal.  I went up for prayer afterwards.  I told him that I went through a divorce.  He looked at me with such wisdom, love, and compassion and gave me tips to get through this.  And, then he prayed such a beautiful prayer.

So.  Here's my voice.  I was so lost, but now I'm found.  I was blind, but now I see.

God sent His son for the stupid.  God sent His son for the violated.  God sent His son for the prideful.  God sent his son for the hurting.  Jesus came and his blood washed all that away.

Now I just have to figure out how to live with the consequences of my choices and the consequences of others.