Life!

It's chilly this morning and I LOVE it!  I can't tell you how glad I am that summer is over.  We're desperate for rain or snow to replenish the water levels.  The drought and heat index was unreal this year.  Just unreal!

I love everything about fall and winter.  The cold can get a little old, but I love the warmer clothes, snuggling in warm blankets, the smells, the holidays, baking goods, and the fact that it's not 100 plus degrees! hehe

Today is laundry day.  I'm so thankful to have a washer and dryer!  It seems the laundry never ends and I wonder just how much this third one is going to add to the mix.  I'm excited to go through my preemie/newborn clothes today and put them up in the dresser.  Is it a bad thing that i'm relieved I didnt' save as much as I thought?  It'll be nice to get him a few new things.  It's definitely going to be colder when he's born so I'd like to get some warm pj's for him.

Yesterday was a sad, but beautiful day for me.  We got all our Christmas stuff out.  However, when I opened the tubs I discovered a horrendous sight.  One tub got water in it and everything molded.  I was able to salvage somethings, but most of that ended up thrown away.  Then I discovered a few special ornaments had shattered ... but the worst of it was discovering my christmas village destroyed. I didn't have many pieces, but what I did have was very very special to me.  I've had them for years.  The beautiful nativity snow globe my aunt got me has a little damage, but nothing I can't hide (thank God.)  So, out of all my precious pieces, only 2 were saved.  I cried a lot.  I mean really sobbed.  First my glasses and ring vanished and now my christmas stuff was gone!  I felt like I was being punished some how.  Ultimately it was my fault for not packing it properly - as ultimately I made my glasses and beloved ring accessible to the kids - and now it was all gone.  I was crushed emotionally.

Thankfully, Jason took the boys into the bedroom to watch cartoons to let me grieve and figure out what to do.  I lost all Christmas spirit at that moment.  I just kept telling myself to, "get a hold of yourself" and eventually I did.  I packed it up all in trash bags and Jason took it out.  Shortly thereafter the trash came.  I was relieved to have it all gone once I committed to the reality.

Jason and I have had a lot of learning experiences through the ten years we've known each other.  Yesterday showed me just how much my husband loves and understands me.  He was so compassionate, understanding, loving, helpful, and generous.  He let me cry and when the kids took their nap he pulled me aside and told me he was sorry.  He brought up the fact that they were all bought pre-kids and that maybe we should see this as a time to start with our kids.  We went to Hobby Lobby and found the NEATEST bookstore christmas village building and it was HALF off.  Then, at walmart, I found a BEAUTIFUL steeple christmas village building.  It has stained glass windows and everything.  That was inexpensive too.  He saw that I liked them, grabbed it, and also grabbed 3 threes and 2 lamp stands to enhance it (I never bought anything to 'enhance' my small old christmas village).  We came home from a long day in Hobbs (we were all tired... the kids were up by six am), we put the kids to bed, he motivated me to clean, and then organized my new start of a christmas village where I wanted it.  I felt very loved and grateful to have a man to work with me out of his love for me.  It really is a special gift to have that.

On that note, we're also done with our Christmas shopping for the boys!  We'll get a few odds and ends for their stockings, but we're done.  I was so overwhelmed, and impressed, with Kmarts toy selection.  They really have the best toys!  Walmart can't compete.  We're also done with my MIL as well.  I just need to figure out what I can do for Jason.  I want to do something, even if it's small.  We aren't going to do Christmas cards this year, but we are going to print out pictures for family members from our recent shoot.  That'll be their gift and something they can frame.

Listening to that wind confirms that today is going to be a lazy day.  Now I just need to try and keep the house looking as nice as it does today. hahaha 

Oh, and it's LASAGNA day!  Everyone loves Tammie's lasagna.

Happy Saturday, Everyone!

Missing Items/Bad thinking

I have searched HIGH and LOW for my glasses and now favorite, irreplacable, ring. 
I've come to the point where I'm considering one of the kids must have taken both items, but that doesn't make much sense to me because Jadon has hit his PRIME in informing me (well, the whole neighborhood) if his brother is doing/saying/playing/thinking anything he shouldn't do.  Jadon Knows what items are mommy's and he'd quickly tell me if his brother had an item... especially a ring and glasses.

I just don't get it.  The ring I wear WITH my pink ring was in the jewelry box so why isn't the pink ring?  I never take one ring off and not the other.  I've looked in that box several times (even had Jason look in case I've lost my marbles), searched drawers, crannies, under bed, inbetween the bed, inside/outside the couch, etc.  I'm so baffled. I can't figure out where they've gone. I've searched every place I can fathom. Even the nasty, revolting, disgusting trashcan TWICE.    My tall jewelry box is in my closet that has a childs lock on it!  Mind you, sometimes I forget to close it, but my kids like to take things in two's ... i can't imagine Joshua would stop at one ring and not grab another.

I get that I'm pregnant and truly scatterbrained, but this still doesn't make sense to me.  I told Jason that I don't deserve another piece of jewelry if I lost that ring.  It wasn't a cheap gift.  It was actually made my hand with a beautiful pink moon stone.  I can't replace it.  Ultimately it's my fault.  I either put it someplace I shouldn't or made it available for the kids to grab.  I'm past the crying point, but now I'm just mad.  How could I missplace it?  If a kid took it, WHERE IS IT?!?!

It's the same thing with my glasses! They just VANISHED too. I just keep praying the Lord would show me where they are, but so far nothing. No inklings or thoughts that lead me there.

I've made some really poor choices lately and I can't help but go to that old place of, "maybe this is some form of punishment."  We haven't spent our money as wisely as we should, my walk isn't where it should be, my thoughts/mind/mouth aren't where they should be - truly making conscious choices I know are wrong, but still do it.  Maybe I deserve to lose these things.  Then that old rejection from being brutally abandoned and rejected when I was young makes me feel like things/people just never stay in my life.  That there's something wrong with me that pushes people - and even things - away.

Jason HATES it when I go there.  I try not to, but it is something that has haunted me ever since I was a small child.  He sighs in pure exasperation and asks me how I can think God would ever work that way. 

So, yeah, I'm in a battle.  I put on my pandora worship music to try and clear the fog in my head when those voices get too loud and I start to feel the depression trying to claw it's way in. 

Then, yesterday, as I fought depression over all this stuff, I was using the ladies room and I broke the toilet seat.  BROKE IT.  The bolts (or whatever it is back there) just snapped when I twisted slightly.  I already felt so terrible for possibly losing this stuff, but then to break a toilet seat?!  That's rough on any one, but especially a pregnant woman in her third trimester that feels wider then the ocean blue.  Logically I understand it's the toilet seats fault, but it's still a very cruel thing to happen to a pregnant woman! lol  I sat there crying as Jason ran in to see what happened.  (I almost fell in the toilet seat.)  All i could cry was, "Am I really that fat to break a seat?!"

So, now I go to pick up all the toys and see if maybe I can find my missing items.  I'm not sure if I'm relieved or bummed it wasn't in the revolting trash.

Bath Time

Is there anyone else out there who dreads bath time?  It used to be such a fun serene time where the boys would hang out until their little digits turned all pruney.  However, now it's turned into the time where they love to make the biggest wet mess they can!  I feel guilty because they laugh with such glee, but it's not conducive for the walls, carpet, or floor boards.  I've gotten to the point where I put them in the bathtub, put the plug in, wash them with the shower head, and then whatever water accrued they can hang out.... that is until they start getting it out of the bathtub.  That doesn't take long.

Tonight Joshua got a hold of the shower head and sprayed it in Jadon's face.  I expected him to freak out, but he laughed with pure glee.  Both laughed with pure glee!  Joshua loved doing it and Jadon thought it was the funniest thing.  I let them do that until that went out of the bathtub too.

I want my kids to have happy bath time memories, but not if it means ruining or drenching the outside of the bathtub.    I know they want to celebrate their naked independance ... am I wrong to restrict and dread it?

I'm Back!

I'm wondering if everyone can read this?