To Love

I have been meditating a lot on what love looks like.  I know that most of you will think this is going to take a turn into scripture, but it's not. 

In these recent months i've really looked at what my strengths and weaknesses are.  For so many years, with Jason, I never thought I loved enough.  Or parented enough.  I felt like a constant failure. Then I met Chad and discovered I can love and love so well.  I thought it was because I was made to love 'him', but the truth is that I'm simply made to love.

Think about that.  It's a powerful statement.

I was made to love.

I love in so many ways.  I love in my verbiage.  I love with my thoughts that turn into actions.  I love with my loyalty, my smile, and my touch.  I love with my planning, structure, and honesty. I show love in my quirky humor.  I love in my ability to make anyone feel instantly safe and comfortable with me.

Its quite a beautiful thing to finally see that within myself.

But then there comes my shattered reality that I may love well, but I can't seem to BE loved.  Is it because I'm unlovable or because I pick bad?

This weekend was a turning point for me.  I had three people cancel on me. In all fairness, the third missed their flight, but that left me financially responsible for everything.  I had a choice to stay home or face my disappointment and go alone.  I put a happy face on it on facebook, but in all honesty I bawled myself to sleep on Friday night.  I barely slept because it was a new place with new noises.  I felt so alone, but i refused to let it cripple me.  I actually took all of it in relative stride which i never would have done a year ago.

And what did I do the first two days?  I found christmas gifts for people i love.  I made the choice to look all around me instead of within me.  I helped sisters get a perfect photo.  I made sure I was warm to all around me.  I went to new shops.  I didn't feel god through any of it, but I saw Him in the ways certain things happened.  A purchase i've wanted for over 10 years that was 65% off.  I saw it how I 'happened' to find the hiking trail that led to a bucket list being scratched off.  I saw it in the choice to trust the random hiking signs telling me it Was a loop so just keep going. (lol) The crazy deals i got for others.  I kept refusing to let myself stew in self pity with the thoughts that what I had wasn't good enough.

Then, as I drove home, depression hit me really bad.  Chad and I would have been together one year in just three weeks.  I cannot stay on a faithful cycle to lose this weight.  The guy I actually Gave a chance to is married to his work and thus on an island all his own.  I couldn't reach him if I owned my own canoe.  I'm insanely sexually frustrated, but so proud I've gone as long as I have.  I started to choke on the wonderings why i'm not able to be loved.  Mad at myself that I hate myself so much and feel incapable of ever accepting who I am.

Then I heard this still small voice.  It asked me how I show love to others... well.  I show love with compliments and thoughtful deeds.  I show love with attention and alone time.  I show love with touch.  Laughter.  As I pondered that I was flooded with memories where I Have loved myself!  Every hot bath I take is an act of love.  When I walk my dog or exercise I'm loving myself.  When I snuggle my dog or kids I'm loving all of us.  When i cook a yummy meal I'm loving myself.  All my damn cleaning and structure is loving myself!  Climbing a mountain is loving myself!  Even all my damn selfies is self love... because I'm actually appreciating what I see.

So here's to Love.  What I wouldn't give to feel that love returned to me, but until then I am going to Love Others.  Love Animals and Love myself the only way I know how.  Maybe some day the ability to like myself will come hand in hand.

Catch 'Phrases''

“Catch Phrase’s”.  They can be so irritating or extremely profound.  I think it all depends on the timing in which you speak them.  (Timing, in itself, is an entirely other soap box.)

I used to have a few that I used all of the time.  I quit saying them, but I’ve found their truth to be creeping back into my life.

1.  I am not crazy.
2. The devil will tell you a truth to sell you a lie.
3.  You can’t see your own headlights.
4. Honor God and He will honor you.
5. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie

First: I am not crazy.

Today I had an interesting conversation with Jason and Nara.  They always blame me for their actions.  It’s A typical, and a dance I’ve done my whole life.  It started with my mom, but in a different form.  She expected perfection out of a child.  When I couldn’t match that perfection, she would lash out horrifically.  She would always blame me for the abuse.  She could never apologize for her wrongs.  Much later, in my adult years, she finally admitted her inability to apologize was because to do so would admit she was a failure… and she had been running from that reality her entire life.

The sad thing is that I was as close to perfect as a kid could be.  I jumped through hoops to make her happy.  I learned young to always have a clean kitchen.  Did all I could to not wake her.   I didn’t have sex.  I didn’t do drugs.  I didn’t drink.  I read books.  Eventually, ended up online in chat rooms, and was everyone’s counselor.  From a young age all I wanted was to be loved by my mom and my dad.  That desire morphed from to wanting it from friendships or boyfriends.  At 17 that desire morphed into wanting to be good enough for God’s love.  I even went to church groups who would train me to be a “prophetess” or whatever it is my giftings were.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to be loved, but I was never good enough or pretty enough.  And, my god, I sure tried to be both.

Then I met Jason.  He was the first guy to ever fight for me.  He saw such beauty in me in the beginning.  I remember him pointing out my flaws, his flaws, and our strengths – how they’d mold together.  We had this vision that we would be in full time ministry and help others. He was drawn to my charismatic nature.  I was drawn to the parts that seemed stable… but mainly I was drawn to his choice to fight for me.  The relationship was rocky, at best, from the beginning.  We were in a cult.  The pastor liked his temperament better and drew him in close and pushed me away. Jason and I would fight.  He never wanted me.  Ever.  He’d rather watch porn then be intimate with me.  I grew up being told I was fat and ugly so I took his lack of interest as proof I was ugly.  Good god.  I was so skinny then!  Whenever we’d fight the group would tell me I was jezebel and God was going to get me if I didn’t submit.  I can distinctly remember laying in bed beside Jason thinking God was going to strike me dead.  Jason would push all my buttons and then sit back feeling validated he was the ‘victim’ when I would erupt in anger.  Jason would affirm that the pastor was right to skip his ownership.  The cycle remained for 15 years until I finally said enough… but even then I held on for almost two years fighting for my useless marriage.  I didn’t want to disappoint God and I didn’t want proof that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

Dating world started.  I seemed to find nothing but cheaters and liars.  I would lose my shit when I found out.  It never failed.  They’d sit back and almost smirk because they got to label me “crazy.”  Their liability of destroying my faith in them, our relationship, and even myself was swept under the rug.

Second: The devil will tell you a truth to sell you a lie.

The devil is clever.  He always tells you a truth to sell you a lie.  I was constantly fighting the battle to figure out which is which.

1. ·         “Yes. I’ve gained weight, but does that mean I’m ugly?”
2. ·         “Jason won’t touch me and flinches when I kiss him.  Am I nasty or is there something wrong with him?”
3. ·         “Xyz cheated again.  I lost my temper.  Am I crazy?”
4. ·         “He broke up with me.  What did I do wrong?  I must really be worthless”
5. ·         “My kids had a bad day at school.  I must be failing as a parent.”
6. ·         “Cereal for dinner.  I really suck as a mom.”

I have always personalized rejection.  I have always assumed it’s my fault and never gave them their ownership.  The truth is I did gain weight, but I’m not ugly.  Jason didn’t touch me because he’s a piece of shit.  It had nothing to do with my taste or looks.  Did I look crazy losing my shit on a cheating asshole?  Yes.  But I am not crazy.  I was crazy hurt.  All kids have good and bad days.  It doesn’t label me as a bad parent… and seriously.  Cereal is a meal.  The kids are eating.

Then there’s the predicament with apologies. I’m so determined to be nothing like my mom, or previous abusers, that I went to the other spectrum and apologize for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.  I genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want to own my mistakes and fight for things/people I think are worth it.  Sadly, before my meds, I would get hurt and react instead of responding.  That only pushed people farther away and affirmed I was the problem.  The self-hatred and doubt has been a monster battle.

Enters in today’s amazing conversation…

I am discussing the fact that Nara’s youngest son hurt the boys yesterday.  It went down a rabbit hole where she tried to say I was ‘’unstable” and that’s why they do what they do. They pointed out the two instances I lost my shit with them. I genuinely laughed!  They were both two years ago at the height of the ugliness.  They continually broke the law and refused to give me the right of first refusal.  They hid the kids from me.  I saw her driving down the road so I followed her to the police station where I had every intention of retrieving my kids from her, but Jason wasn’t in the field and met us there.  I cried and was so upset but the cops could do nothing. Second, it was thanksgiving week 2 years ago.  He hadn’t let me talk to the kids for a DAYS because he refused to follow the law/judges orders and give me my nightly call.  By Sunday I was a basket case.  I thought they were to be returned by 10:30am and when I heard NO WORD FROM HIM, after many texts, I went to their home and raised an embarrassing scene to get my kids back.  Yes.  I cussed and yelled.  Was it the right thing to do?  No.  Absolutely not.  But WHY did I do that?

Here’s the thing.  Jason and Nara have broken natural and spiritual laws many times.  Yet, when I react to it they get to play the victim and call me “unstable” or “crazy.”  I am neither.  I pointed all that out to them very logically and in return she refused to pick the kids up from school on Wednesday.  I genuinely laughed when she told me I play the victim.  I can’t tell you the times I’ve owned things when they NEVER have. 

The beautiful thing is that I don’t care.  I know logically they are wrong.  I didn’t let them goad me into a fight and when she refused to get the kids I prayed and found another way.  The kids know.  They often tell me they don’t believe they are Christians by the way they act.  Jason and Nara are the ones who will lose out on an extra night with the boys.  Sadly, the kids are relieved that’s the case.

Third: You can’t see your own headlights.

I really don’t like myself and I’ve lost faith in almost every man.  I cling to the few I know are worthy of respect because they are like a light on the hill.  I am extremely hard on myself if I’m not ‘perfect’ whether in appearance or action.  But, that’s not fair.  Maybe I’m 20 lbs over weight, but does that mean all my good has flushed away with it?  Chad says it has.  My demons tell me it has... but does that make it true?   How do others see me?  As a bright LED light or a dim dingy light?

Fourth: Honor God and He will honor you.

He is real.  I’m doing what I can to start trusting him, but it’s hard because I honestly feel like he’s failed me when he made me… but then that goes back to number 3.  Yet, as I talk to him and acknowledge Him I see where he is rebuilding my life.  He truly is the best husband I could ever ask for.  He loves me and cares for us in big and small ways.  I can’t give up on him.  We are going back to church.  Joshua’s prayers are so beautiful.  He is providing.  My home finally feels like my home.

Fifth: An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie

I truly hate lies.  They are evil, corrosive, and destroy everything.  Truth will always set you free.  It may be painful at first, but there is always freedom.  So ironic I demand truth, and always give truth, to everyone but myself.  It can’t be the truth that I’m unlovable and a piece of shit.  It just can’t.