Catch 'Phrases''

“Catch Phrase’s”.  They can be so irritating or extremely profound.  I think it all depends on the timing in which you speak them.  (Timing, in itself, is an entirely other soap box.)

I used to have a few that I used all of the time.  I quit saying them, but I’ve found their truth to be creeping back into my life.

1.  I am not crazy.
2. The devil will tell you a truth to sell you a lie.
3.  You can’t see your own headlights.
4. Honor God and He will honor you.
5. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie

First: I am not crazy.

Today I had an interesting conversation with Jason and Nara.  They always blame me for their actions.  It’s A typical, and a dance I’ve done my whole life.  It started with my mom, but in a different form.  She expected perfection out of a child.  When I couldn’t match that perfection, she would lash out horrifically.  She would always blame me for the abuse.  She could never apologize for her wrongs.  Much later, in my adult years, she finally admitted her inability to apologize was because to do so would admit she was a failure… and she had been running from that reality her entire life.

The sad thing is that I was as close to perfect as a kid could be.  I jumped through hoops to make her happy.  I learned young to always have a clean kitchen.  Did all I could to not wake her.   I didn’t have sex.  I didn’t do drugs.  I didn’t drink.  I read books.  Eventually, ended up online in chat rooms, and was everyone’s counselor.  From a young age all I wanted was to be loved by my mom and my dad.  That desire morphed from to wanting it from friendships or boyfriends.  At 17 that desire morphed into wanting to be good enough for God’s love.  I even went to church groups who would train me to be a “prophetess” or whatever it is my giftings were.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to be loved, but I was never good enough or pretty enough.  And, my god, I sure tried to be both.

Then I met Jason.  He was the first guy to ever fight for me.  He saw such beauty in me in the beginning.  I remember him pointing out my flaws, his flaws, and our strengths – how they’d mold together.  We had this vision that we would be in full time ministry and help others. He was drawn to my charismatic nature.  I was drawn to the parts that seemed stable… but mainly I was drawn to his choice to fight for me.  The relationship was rocky, at best, from the beginning.  We were in a cult.  The pastor liked his temperament better and drew him in close and pushed me away. Jason and I would fight.  He never wanted me.  Ever.  He’d rather watch porn then be intimate with me.  I grew up being told I was fat and ugly so I took his lack of interest as proof I was ugly.  Good god.  I was so skinny then!  Whenever we’d fight the group would tell me I was jezebel and God was going to get me if I didn’t submit.  I can distinctly remember laying in bed beside Jason thinking God was going to strike me dead.  Jason would push all my buttons and then sit back feeling validated he was the ‘victim’ when I would erupt in anger.  Jason would affirm that the pastor was right to skip his ownership.  The cycle remained for 15 years until I finally said enough… but even then I held on for almost two years fighting for my useless marriage.  I didn’t want to disappoint God and I didn’t want proof that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

Dating world started.  I seemed to find nothing but cheaters and liars.  I would lose my shit when I found out.  It never failed.  They’d sit back and almost smirk because they got to label me “crazy.”  Their liability of destroying my faith in them, our relationship, and even myself was swept under the rug.

Second: The devil will tell you a truth to sell you a lie.

The devil is clever.  He always tells you a truth to sell you a lie.  I was constantly fighting the battle to figure out which is which.

1. ·         “Yes. I’ve gained weight, but does that mean I’m ugly?”
2. ·         “Jason won’t touch me and flinches when I kiss him.  Am I nasty or is there something wrong with him?”
3. ·         “Xyz cheated again.  I lost my temper.  Am I crazy?”
4. ·         “He broke up with me.  What did I do wrong?  I must really be worthless”
5. ·         “My kids had a bad day at school.  I must be failing as a parent.”
6. ·         “Cereal for dinner.  I really suck as a mom.”

I have always personalized rejection.  I have always assumed it’s my fault and never gave them their ownership.  The truth is I did gain weight, but I’m not ugly.  Jason didn’t touch me because he’s a piece of shit.  It had nothing to do with my taste or looks.  Did I look crazy losing my shit on a cheating asshole?  Yes.  But I am not crazy.  I was crazy hurt.  All kids have good and bad days.  It doesn’t label me as a bad parent… and seriously.  Cereal is a meal.  The kids are eating.

Then there’s the predicament with apologies. I’m so determined to be nothing like my mom, or previous abusers, that I went to the other spectrum and apologize for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.  I genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want to own my mistakes and fight for things/people I think are worth it.  Sadly, before my meds, I would get hurt and react instead of responding.  That only pushed people farther away and affirmed I was the problem.  The self-hatred and doubt has been a monster battle.

Enters in today’s amazing conversation…

I am discussing the fact that Nara’s youngest son hurt the boys yesterday.  It went down a rabbit hole where she tried to say I was ‘’unstable” and that’s why they do what they do. They pointed out the two instances I lost my shit with them. I genuinely laughed!  They were both two years ago at the height of the ugliness.  They continually broke the law and refused to give me the right of first refusal.  They hid the kids from me.  I saw her driving down the road so I followed her to the police station where I had every intention of retrieving my kids from her, but Jason wasn’t in the field and met us there.  I cried and was so upset but the cops could do nothing. Second, it was thanksgiving week 2 years ago.  He hadn’t let me talk to the kids for a DAYS because he refused to follow the law/judges orders and give me my nightly call.  By Sunday I was a basket case.  I thought they were to be returned by 10:30am and when I heard NO WORD FROM HIM, after many texts, I went to their home and raised an embarrassing scene to get my kids back.  Yes.  I cussed and yelled.  Was it the right thing to do?  No.  Absolutely not.  But WHY did I do that?

Here’s the thing.  Jason and Nara have broken natural and spiritual laws many times.  Yet, when I react to it they get to play the victim and call me “unstable” or “crazy.”  I am neither.  I pointed all that out to them very logically and in return she refused to pick the kids up from school on Wednesday.  I genuinely laughed when she told me I play the victim.  I can’t tell you the times I’ve owned things when they NEVER have. 

The beautiful thing is that I don’t care.  I know logically they are wrong.  I didn’t let them goad me into a fight and when she refused to get the kids I prayed and found another way.  The kids know.  They often tell me they don’t believe they are Christians by the way they act.  Jason and Nara are the ones who will lose out on an extra night with the boys.  Sadly, the kids are relieved that’s the case.

Third: You can’t see your own headlights.

I really don’t like myself and I’ve lost faith in almost every man.  I cling to the few I know are worthy of respect because they are like a light on the hill.  I am extremely hard on myself if I’m not ‘perfect’ whether in appearance or action.  But, that’s not fair.  Maybe I’m 20 lbs over weight, but does that mean all my good has flushed away with it?  Chad says it has.  My demons tell me it has... but does that make it true?   How do others see me?  As a bright LED light or a dim dingy light?

Fourth: Honor God and He will honor you.

He is real.  I’m doing what I can to start trusting him, but it’s hard because I honestly feel like he’s failed me when he made me… but then that goes back to number 3.  Yet, as I talk to him and acknowledge Him I see where he is rebuilding my life.  He truly is the best husband I could ever ask for.  He loves me and cares for us in big and small ways.  I can’t give up on him.  We are going back to church.  Joshua’s prayers are so beautiful.  He is providing.  My home finally feels like my home.

Fifth: An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie

I truly hate lies.  They are evil, corrosive, and destroy everything.  Truth will always set you free.  It may be painful at first, but there is always freedom.  So ironic I demand truth, and always give truth, to everyone but myself.  It can’t be the truth that I’m unlovable and a piece of shit.  It just can’t.