Priorities

Two nights ago I sat on my couch struggling with my failures.  I found myself sitting here asking God to help me, but not having much confidance that I'd get much direction. I was at a true loss trying to find a balance with all my life changes, struggles, and fears that things would never change.

It was at that moment that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook account.  I've known, for quite some time, that I used facebook too much.  I've lost count how many times I've said, "I know that I use facebook too much, but it's my only source of communication.  It's a guilty pleasure with friends who care about me."


Oddly enough once I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook the idea gave me peace.  I felt a resolve that only the Holy Spirit could give.  I would never, ever, deactivate my daily source of input and communication on my own.

So, I did it.  I let as many people know that I could.  I didn't want anyone to think I blocked them.  I can imagine that would be the logical conclusion if one day I was there and the next I vanished completely.

It's been two days.  I have to admit I'm extremely lonely, but I know I did the right thing.  It was shocking to realize just how much I checked my email.  It's still shocking to see how empty my email is.  I used to have so many emails in my 'social' gmail folder from facebook.  Whether a comment made on my status or others commenting on status' I commented on.  I've actually found myself reading my junk mail just to be in contact with something that isn't in my house.

I'm ashamed to realize just how much time I devoted to facebook.  Time, and focus, that I should be using for my children, myself, and to reading.  And, of course, finally figuring out who God my Father is.  I need to tune deeply into that source of Life.

But, Man.  I miss Candy Crush.  I miss interacting with others.  I miss posting photos.  I miss the comments.  I miss sharing my life with others.  I really miss it.

However, I have to establish better priorities.  I also realized that I've used facebook as my form of communication SO MUCH that it stiffled me from seeking relationships that are tangible and face-to-face.  Maybe this loneliness will drive me to connect with a church.  People who can see my smile, or my tears, and encourage me on this journey.  People I can hug.  I'm struggling so much with myself.  I'm hoping this diet, and hormone replacement therapy, will make a difference.  I'm hoping I can finally learn to forgive.  I'm still stumped on that one.

Now I have to figure out how to meet 'my' needs without zoning out to an internet game or interacting with beautiful people that can't actually hug me.  I hate this loneliness!

The good news?  I'm working hard to replace my internet time with kids.  I made a delicious dinner tonight!  It was a homemade roasted chicken.  I used the bones to make my first chicken broth.  My crockpot will stew all night long.