I can't think of a catchy title so I decided to settle for, "life." Please know that my thoughts are very scattered right now so I may have a few run-on sentences.
I'm enjoying the beautiful silence. Everyone was asleep by 7:30pm. I realize I should have gone to bed too, but I just wanted to embrace the solitude. I feel guilty for feeling that way. I should embrace the laughter, constant questions, eagerness to be taught/played with, and smiles of my boys more than this beautiful silence.
I wish I didn't' feel so much guilt. It drives almost every aspect of my life. Guilt to be a better homemaker. Guilt to be a more 'present' mother. Guilt for going off budget. Guilt for bringing up ideas of stuff to buy when most of it isn't a need. Guilt for yoyo'ing so much with my weight because I use food to fill the boredom and stressed mode.. (well, maybe that's more shame than guilt.)
Guilt that dinner wasn't as good as it could have been. Guilt that I didn't' send a thank you note. Guilt that I shut my husband down because I didn't stop to think how my comment sounded. Guilt for losing my temper. Guilt for feeling smothered when Jadon just wants to be tackled so he can feel loved. Guilt for being on the computer way too much... and guilt for letting TV be their entertainment more than I.
Oh, and guilt that my relationship with the Lord is riding on fumes of the past and not waves in the present.
Maybe if I didn't feel sub-par so much I'd actually want to be more present? Or maybe it's the simple fact that it's hard being a stay-at-home-mom because the only break you get is when both kids are sleeping.
I don't need anyone to tell me how blessed I am. I truly get that more than anyone else. Jason may want drive me up the wall at times (and I him), but I know he's my greatest gift outside of my salvation and our two beautiful boys.
In all that, I have had a small break through with our trip to Dallas. Amy, and her entire family, really helped me see what a Good job I'm doing. I realize Jadon is a great kid just because it's who he is... but even in that greatness he wouldn't be polite if I wasn't teaching it to him. He wouldn't know his letters, numbers, shapes, colors, or animals if someone wasn't sitting down with him to teach him. He wouldn't hug everyone (even strangers *blush) if he wasn't first hugged constantly so he thinks it's normal. Jadon certainly wouldn't eat if the food didn't taste good. LOL
I pray that I can start to see the truth more than this guilt that rides me. I wish I could identify the truth in the lie and only embrace what's going to help me grow. I want to be more present instead of overwhelmed that I am the end all be all (outside of Mickey Mouse, of course. lol)
I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me every day, but I know that's because of His Love... not because of an intimate friendship. I pray that changes, but more than anything I pray our children Know Him in a way we only dreamed possible. His Love, His Truth, His Voice, and His never ending forgiveness.
I really want to enjoy every moment because I know it slips by so quickly.
It really is so hard to live in the "now" and not the "what if" or the past. Probably one of the hardest things I'm learning how to do. You're totally not alone on this one. But doesn't it feel so good when somebody who you really respect who doesn't see you often gives you positive feedback, praise, compliments, or whatever you want to call it on your parenting skills? I try to look at it as rather than feeling the guilt, I'm going to try to use that to strive to be better. We can always improve, but some days what we give is all that we have, and that's okay. SO good to know there's other moms out there going through the same thing!
ReplyDeleteJust remember that guilt is NOT what we need to worry about. That is Satan's way of attacking us. Change what you can...one small doable step at a time.
ReplyDeleteYes...sometimes the house will be a disaster...but maybe that day...you played with the boys more...focus on the latter.
Yes...sometimes the TV was their only friend that day...but maybe that day you made a dinner beyond all expectations or cleaned something to the point of profession clean.....or were able to meet your hubby's needs that day.
It is all about the balance...not everyday is the same...don't expect them to be...and know that you are NOT alone!
Thank You for your comments, Chelley/Shoshana! Very encouraging and insightful!
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