Maybe he was right.

I have been thinking alot about my past relationships.  Specifically Chads last words to me.  I've been thinking about the friendships that remain no longer.  Amy.  Julie.  Crill.

They all left because I was too much.

I think I've come to realize Chad was right.  Not about everything.  And, yes, I have greatly improved, but I am too much.  He was right to leave me.  They all were.  They tried to be loyal, but I taxed every single one of them.

Other than Elisa, my closest friends are states away.  One is even over seas.  They are good friends.  Great Friends.  But each of them can walk away from their phone or internet.

Chad tried to love me, but I was in the height of my bipolar.  I do remember now that I did all i could to prove that I was worth loving, but I didn't see my own worth so he couldn't either.  Plus, he was utterly selfish and a chameleon.  He figured everyone out so he could manipulate them.  You had to be perfect to be worth staying for.  Able to do 3 somes and feed his ego.  No, I did not do the first, but every man I've ever been with wanted that.  I always refused, but I think, for him, in my quest to make him happy I think I would have finally given in.  I was so in love with him I would have done anything to make him happy.  Even sell my soul.  It wouldn't have mattered because he "was my sunshine" and I was "his light."  Nothing else mattered.

Am I better going into 2019?  Heck yes.  I can tell you my strengths and weaknesses without much effort because I KNOW what they are.  Am I lovable?  In small does.  Yeah.  As long as I don't burden anyone with everything.  And, believe it or not, I have a lot of things going on that no one has any idea of.  I've learned to be secretive what goes on behind my walls.  Even my brain.  Yeah.  I talk about alot, but it's really all surface things.

So.  In one breath I am very lovable, but in another I am not.  There is always something happening in my world. I try to be positive, but it's always something.  My health.  My kids and their many issues.  Jason.  Dating stuff.  My weight.  God.  All this suffocating fucking weight.  The fact that i can't exercise to even do anything about it right now.

I've tried so hard to be a friend to others.  Reaching out.  Listening.  Empathizing.  Yet, I am sick as a dog in true agony and only Elisa has checked in on me.

It's so sad to finally see my value, but to also see that my value doesn't matter much to others because with my value also comes drama.  Big Emotions.  I cannot be happy and positive all the time like most people.  I try, but I'm lying if I ever say that i will see life as glass half full vs. half empty.

How can I ever expect a man to deal with that day in and day out?  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?

So it goes back to a long time reality: I am not lovable. 

What's changed is that I am lovable, but I'm just not lovable in big/constant dosages.  I have to be realistic.  There will always be drama in my life.  The topics may change, but they will be there.  I'll cry and talk about it, but I will always choose to get up.  I can help others because of my experiences, but I can't expect them to do so in return.  Not in big doses. 

Drama seems to be the curse of my life. Most of it is not my doing, but it is my reality.

I hope to God I can use this year to open my bible and find my deep seeded faith again.  I hope to God I can lose weight.  I want to be better.  I'm no longer lost like I was, but I am cursed with big emotions and drama.  That curse means I will be alone.  Alone in the quiet of my beautiful home.  Alone when I am sick.  Alone in my big doses of drama.  I can reach out some.  "Dole" it out in sections, but my curse of drama and big emotions will never change.

I am not Special

I realized something this year that has changed my life in so many ways.

I am not Special.

Wait.  Before you jump on the bandwagon to tell me differently, let me Explain.

Chad taught me a very valuable lesson.  It took me almost a year to digest.  Mind you, as I think about my past I realize others taught me this lesson as well, but he cemented it.  From the beginning he gave me key phrases that I should have listened to.  "No one leaves me.  I am the one who leaves."  "When I'm done; I am done."  I heard them, but smiled inside and thought things like, "Wow.  I'm finally special.  My person found me.  I changed a cold man into a loyal man."  It actually gave me an ounce of price because I was special.  I was the one to change this wonderful man into something better.

And, I was wrong.  So wrong.  I am not special.  I cannot change a broken man who doesn't want commitment.  I cannot change a man who wants to be married to his work.  I cannot change a man who wants to swing.  I can not change a cheater.  I cannot change a mans heart.  Dammit.  I am not special.

So.  What am I?

• I am sad.  I wish I was special and could do those things.
• I am so thankful that I finally realized this.
• I am brave and smart enough to walk away when I hear those key phrases.
• I have courage to face a life know that I may never ever be loved by a man.
• I am a mom who fails, but apologizes and keeps going.  I love.  I snuggle.  I yell.  I never leave or stop loving them.
• I have bipolar.  And I LOVE that I'm bipolar.  I do.  I embrace it.  I understand it.  It is me and I am it.  I am the strengths of bipolar.  I am the weaknesses of bipolar.
• I am a Christian.  Honestly.  I hate that word, but I also embrace it.  God is real.  Jesus is real.  He is in my brokenness and He is in my strengths.
• I can block people.  That may sound strange, but I could Never do it before.  I always felt guilty.  I knew what it was like to be rejected so I thought if I kept people around then maybe they would realize that I was worth not being rejected.
• I am a dog owner.  My precious butterscotch who gets me out of the house and loves me with a million kisses every day.
• I am a lover of Christmas and Holidays (birthdays/valentines day/etc).  I love to give joy.  I love to see peoples faces light up.
• I love Red.  Seems so silly to list this, but I do.  I love it.  It makes me smile.  I love to watch the beauty of red make others smile.  It is not satans color.  Red is the life blood.  Red is fire.  Red is joy.

I had a few experiences this week that cemented many of these realities.  I have put my foot out there to start dating again.  It's honestly sickening whats out there.

I refused to be with a man who has issues.  So, in turn, what does he do?  He offers me $350.00 dollars to sleep with him.  Every time.  That amount of money is three days worth of pay.  I admit I considered it, very briefly.  Hell.  I've slept with worse men for free.  (Dean) all because I thought i Loved him and he would change.  He never changed.  I just lost my heart and soul.  I declined his offer and his reaction was then desperation.  Whats even sadder? I posted about this in a private womens group and almost ALL of the women told me I should have done it.  That this line of work is normal and pays the bills.  It is accepted that using a man for money as he uses your body is okay.  I don't want that to be okay.  I don't want to lose my soul.  Or my convictions.  Trust me.  He is now blocked from all avenues much to his dismay.  But do I care about his dismay?  Nope.  Not at all.

I also met this great guy.  Honestly, He's great.  He wants the same things I want (almost eerily it was like he read my mind.)  He was kind.  Honest.  Thoughtful.  A great cook.  Just a list of things.  But.  He's broken from a past relationship.  A very very painful past relationship that he gave his all to.  He only wants to be married to his job.  He wants companionship, but not commitment.  He does not want a future with anything but money and work.  I started to hear those old thoughts, "I bet he would change his mind once we were together."  "He would change his mind once he realized I'm not her and being in a committed relationship can be safe and worth fighting for."  I knew those lies, but ignored them briefly.  Then, he reasserted his stance and I realized I was wasting my time.  I wrote him a decent text explaining that I know I'm not special.  To give him my time and body would mean I would also give him my heart and it wasn't worth the heartache that would follow when he never changed his mind.  His response made me cry.  "I respect, and admire that, in more ways than one.  I tip my hat to you for what your becoming.  Never change for anyone.  You'll always have a friend in me and I'll always be here to talk."  It's so unfair that I always meet people at the wrong time.  So bitterly unfair!

BUT I REALIZED THAT BEFORE I GAVE HIM ANYTHING MORE THAN MY TIME!

So.  Again.  What am I?

I am home alone in My Home.  Albeit it's a messy home, but that can change in a short amount of time because it's a clean home.  I did not give my body or heart to someone who wouldn't value it. I did not waste my time on somebody who isn't ready to love and be loved.  I have a tree full of memories that do not include a man.  I have friends, and children, who think I'm special.  Who are thankful for my friendship or just being their acquaintance.  I have pets who are currently surrounding me because they love to be with me.  I have Jesus who is my intercessor and interceeding on my behalf when men left me, cheated on me, and showed me just how unspecial I am.

I am home alone, but I am not being used... and I am not using anyone to fill a hole that isn't theirs to fill.

I am Janine.  House of Betrayal.  Heart Break.  Abuse.  Rape.  Yet, through that, I am a phoenix whose home is compassion, empathy, brutal honesty, kindness, a brilliant smile, and a light that hasn't been quenched out.  I am not special.  I cannot change anyone.  But I can say No.  I can Block.  And I can chose to be alone instead of opening myself up to more hurts.

I knew it was coming....

I had to miss three days of pay two weeks ago because two kids got sick. I knew a small check was coming, but I must have been in denial because seeing the total on my check made me literally sick to my stomach.  It didn't help that I felt sick all day.  I don't know how i'm getting sick or my period is starting. I have no appetite. 

But since seeing the total I feel like stress is eating me from the inside out.  Sharp acid burning cramps.  It's so bad I took two ativan and I haven't taken one of those for some time.  Stress is killing me.  I am consumed with hatred for Jason. He always ends up on top.  Always. Consumed with my weight.  Hatred for myself and God for making me broken.  I cannot comprehend a parent loving their kid and making them broken.  I know I should read my bible, but just the thught of that makes me want to rage.

But then there is this other side of me.  The side that wants to trust God.   The side that Knows God is real.  The side that remembers that God always provides.  I know that if I opened my bible and trusted what I read that I would find a measure of peace.  I remember many instances where I saw the hand of God. i know he's real.

But then I think about Jason always winning.  this weight gain.  The reality that I'll never be loved and I want to reign holy fire. I want to sleep forever... but Instead I'm raging fire on my insides.

I wish I could find something that's more beautiful broken.  I wish this pain would end.  I am truly bent over in agony.  I wish I was lovable. I wish I wasn't alone.  I wish I was skinny.  I wish money didn't scare me.  I wish Jason didn't always win.  I wish for a break.

I am never going to be loved

I cried all the way home today.  I couldn't stop.  Even in the stripes parking lot. When i wandered the store trying to find a fire log and cream of mushroom soup.

I really think God must hate me.  He created a woman who loves deeply, yet I am incapable of being loved!!  I have experienced every form of abuse.  Shit abusive parents.  Selfish friends.  Cruelty that most can't fathom.

Yet.  Love is allusive.  Totally fucking allusive.  Why cant I be Loved in return?   I don't cheat.  i don't lie.  i think of others needs.  Yet all I am is trash or possible great pussy.  You may cringe when you hear that word, but I heard it a lot.  Forgettable.   I remember I was about ten years old.  My girlfriend curled my hair and put make up on me.  See.  I liked this boy.  We went to where he was.  He was flirting with me so much when I opened my mouth to speak.  You should have seen the shocked look on his face.  His words have forever haunted me.  "Damn.  You were so fly and I was so into you... until you opened your mouth."  That moto followed me everywhere.  It was my teeth or my body.  If I "just lost a little weight i'd be perfect."  I was invisible until that actually happened my junior year.

I know people with cancer who are loved. I know people with mental illness that are loved.  Obese people - Loved.  Abusive people - Loved!  Cruel cold heartless people - loved!  Animal abusers - Loved.  Nasty slovenly people who hoard and have bugs in their home - loved. Drug Addicts - loved. Me - never ever good enough.

I should be engaged right now.  I should have a partner to help me with the news i received today.  Chad shouldn't have been a liar.  At least skinny I had a chance at love.  My body was wanted.  Now I'll never know what it feels like to be loved. 

My grandma loved me.  I'll never forget a moment when she literally saved me.  I think I was 5 or 6.  My mom had just got done beating me - physically and verbally - I was hiding underneath my bed terrified when I heard her kind voice... and then I saw her safe face as she got on her hands and knees.  She held out her hands and told me,"it's okay janine.  I'm here.  I got you.'  It took me a few minutes to trust her words and when I did she grabbed me, held me close, and got out of there while my mom still screamed at me like a banshee.

I hate Him for making me.  He's cruel.  I'm trapped in this world.  Doomed to take meds that make me fat.  I can only hope and pray that I can find a mood stabilizer that can work with topamax.  It's so cruel to find a medicine that works for my brain but has destroyed my body.

I am so tired.  The world is cruel and God Hates.

HUGE!!! EPIPHANY!!

Man!  I seem to get the best epiphany’s when I’m on the treadmill!  This one may be thee most ground-breaking epiphany I have ever received!  I know someone else could benefit from this too!

Background…

I mentioned yesterday that a guy I was speaking to briefly ended up making really bad choices.  Due to his choices, I finally judged someone by their ACTIONS and cut him off.  His response to that was intense.  I quickly discovered he could do, or say, whatever he needed to get a reaction out of me…. even an ugly one.  Yet, I couldn’t seem to block him from my phone.  Mind you, I kept clear boundaries and hardly talked to him, but I wouldn’t block him. It was baffling to Julie why blocking someone on my phone is so difficult.  I didn’t know what to tell her…

Today, as I walked on the treadmill, he begged me in text to be able to see me.  How unfair he didn’t get that opportunity.  How desperate he was to prove to me we were meant to be together.  He even said that he would take off a day of work to meet me for lunch.  The thought of seeing him made me feel genuine caution and fear.  The feelings of fear actually surprised me.  I had never labeled those feelings as that.  And, as I jogged, I started asking myself WHY I didn’t cut someone off that scared me. I felt myself cycle through my brain trying to identify when I felt that before.  I wanted to know why I kept talking to someone that I felt concern/fear over.  And, at that moment, I realized WHY!  It’s because of this insane feeling of immense GUILT.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone like I had been hurt.  I thought by keeping him around that it would soften the blow and I wouldn’t be punished.

THEN I asked myself when I had felt those feelings of guilt before (trying so hard to make sense of all this) when it hit me like A TON OF BRICKS!!!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  I felt these SAME feelings with MY MOM!  Nothing stopped her from hurting me either.  She was going to have her way no matter what.  Her insane paranoia and inability to apologize wounded so many… but especially me.  Yet, I took her back repeatedly because I thought that’s what “good” children do.  Her insanity never stopped until I cut her from my life.

Yet, I am still repeating the cycle with relationships!  It is FAMILIAR to me!

How many of us stay with abusive people because we still allow our parents to abuse us?  I mean heck.  If that door is ‘’open’ and acceptable then isn’t spousal abuse?  Our mom/dad/brother/sister tells us we are fat, useless, and a problem… so what’s so wrong if a partner does it?

Or how many of us have drawn boundaries with our families… yet we find ourselves in similar relationships?  Lies and abuse is all we’ve known so why expect any different in our relationships?  It’s acceptable and normal.  Even if, to the outside world, it’s insanity.

Here’s my Truth – and Hopefully Yours – You do NOT have to keep ANY doors open where abuse resides.  I don’t care if they birthed you or share your DNA.  Cut them out…. Or at the very least stop apologizing to THEM and draw a clear boundary.

God does Not want us to be susceptible to ANY form of abuse.  It is Not okay to be afraid of someone’s reaction.  It is Not okay for ANYONE to make you feel less that who you actually ARE.  You don’t have to be with another version of the parent that wounded you.  You can say no.  It’s called a boundary.  It’s called growth… and it’s called loving yourself.  Brian’s choices led me to blocking him.  I have nothing to feel guilty about.  My moms paranoid abuse led me to blocking her out of my life.  It doesn’t make me a disappointment or a bad child.

Where are your open doors?  Where are mine?

Life update

I take a few deep breathes as i sit down to gather all of my thoughts.  I want to be honest.  I want to talk about what had me shaking today.

1.  I have been inwardly freaking out after i upset our landlords when the kids damaged the fence.  We are no longer under a lease so it's just month to month.  She never said that they wanted to, but because of my history i immediately went into flight or fight mode.  Scared.  I didn't tell anyone.  I just stuffed it.

2.  Then Jadon broke the garage door.  That made me even more scared.  I tried to find a way to fix it on my own, but that didn't work out well.  I could feel myself wanting to hyperventilate at the worst case scenario.

3. Parent teacher conferences are next week.  I have to take off of more work ....and i dread what they will tell me.  things seem to be improving for ben since He got into adt.  Joshua is avoiding the bully.  Jadon found a group he seems to click with and his grades have improved.

4. Finances.  I am struggling and anxious about all that's on me.  It's always something.

5. Camping.  I do not want to go camping this weekend.  At all.  God has provided everything I need, but i do not want to do it.  It's going to be cold and I'm vastly intimidated.

6.  My weight.  I have to literally peel myself out of my pants every day.  I disgust myself.  I'm trying to start at a good place, but it's overwhelming and I'm so tired at night.  I hate my weight and I hate that i am not happy with what I see.  It's all consuming.

7. Being a single mom is no joke.  Between working, problems at school, activities, cleaning, refereeing all the fighting, sickness, etc... I just want to sleep all the time.

8.  Sex.  I miss it every damn day.  I am not like most women.  I need it.  I am so proud I've been without for so long, but dammit.  I might hurt someone if I don't relieve stress soon.

9.  I do not want Jason, but it's so unfair to see him so happy.  They are in mexico right now.  Not alone, but I am.  I's just so unfair.

9.  Men. Before I get into this I want to make it clear that i am not interested in anyones opinions on if I should be dating or not.  I haven't talked about any of this except with two specific friends for that reason.  The kids minds and hearts have been protected through all of this.  They are not around any men.  When they are home it's just us.

 I've gone through a few things lately that has shown me alot, left me disappointed, and scared me.  i know what i want and don't want.

• Jake.  Boy.  Meeting him was instantly comfortable.  Listening to his stories growing up both horrified me and gave me hope.  I liked everything about being with him.  I found out that I could show love (not in love,  but love) easily.  It didn't die with Chad.  I had a brief taste of what it feels like to be touched in a hallway and how safe it felt to sleep beside someone.  Then he went home to Oklahoma.  And I discovered that as much as I adored my time with him.... I dislike the ice king he was away from me.  I would get all excited about seeing him and he would say things like, "I can't say I'm opposed to the idea."  He was alot like Jason.  He couldn't give compliments, but he sure could send amazing flowers.  (truly.  I don't think I'll ever get anything that beautiful again.)  I showered him with attention.  Found out everything about him, but he didnt return the avid interest. His heart was still too shattered by his ex and nothing I could do would ever break behind those walls.... so I walked away.  I thought I did it gracefully, but today I found out that I didn't.  I guess I hurt him which is shocking news to me.  Truly shocking.  Shocking that he could be hurt and shocking that he liked me enough to be hurt.  In the end, God protected me from being with another emotionally disconnected man.  Gifts are nice, but i want the man.  Good and Bad.  

• Robert.  He's was a friend for about two years.  I always kept him in friend zone.  I knew he liked me, but whenever i was around him all I could see was a wall and a big flashing sign that said, "FRIEND ONLY,"  He tried to pursue me, but I kept pushing him off.  That hurt his feelings.  He seemed to think he could be good to me and the boys, but I just couldn't do it.  I met him for one lunch and felt nothing.  When he didn't get what he wanted he lashed out.  My response?  Some anger and blocking, but it didn't move me.  His reaction just made me see that the friend only neon sign had a reason.  Lesson learned.

• Brian.  We instantly clicked over the fact that we both over came alot of insanity in our child hood.  I was drawn to the fact that he didn't let life get him down.  He made choices to relocate all four of his children away from his drug addict ex wife and start over from scratch.  That takes balls and determination.  It takes strength to refuse to be like your family.  Refuse to be on drugs and refuse to be an alcoholic.... to choose your kids.  He was so attentive. Everything Jake wasn't.  I never had to question his excitement to talk to me.  He listened to me when I gave parenting advice and cheered me on when I needed it.  He had a lot of promises that seemed really nice... but then Saturday happened.  I discovered what his real priorities were.  He vanished.  He swears no woman was involved, but I really don't believe him.  I know what he DID choose to do instead of being with me and that was enough.  Ironically, I am SO glad he made those choices and we never met.  His response to me cutting it off was quite intense.... Just as intense as his avid interest for me on the positive side.  Again.   God protected me.  Good Lord God protected me.  The beautiful thing is that i FINALLY Finally Finally saw someone for their actions and not their empty words.  This, my friend, is Huge!

That brings me to today.  I get a hateful text (that I later learn was sent out of being hurt) from Jake.  I have been so unfeeling and unattached, but today I engaged.  It was ugly for a little while, but then I heard him and I felt bad.  I saw that I hurt him. Granted, it's his fault he gave me scraps to deal with, but in his ice world he gave all he could.  Then there was Brian.  Flipping out in text.  Begging me to forgive him.  I felt nothing.  Just a flat hell no.  Between the two of them, and all my other stressers, I shook for about an hour.  I made the choice to work out at lunch and as I worked out I prayed that God would help me.  That he would take some of this pressure off of me.  As I prayed I found my stride.  It's been a long time since i found my stride at the gym... and then I heard the holy spirit to tell me to contact my landlord and talk with her candidly.  I worked out hard and went back to work... and as I drove back to work something struck me.  Chad didn't love me.  That or he's a psychopath.  He dropped me like a hot potatao.  Quite like I did with Brian.  But.  I had never met Brian.  I never told him I loved him.  I had no ties to him.  But Jake?  It hurt to talk to him today.  It hurt that he told me so emphatically he had no interest i me.  It hurt that i hurt him.  I didn't love him, but I do care.  If he asked me for another chance I'd give it to him.  Chad treated me like I treated Brian.  This was after he swore to love me, called us family,made love to me,call himself my husband - the list goes on.  He is either a psychopath or never loved me.  This reality gave me more closure.

Then I get to work.  I text my landlord.  Express my insecurities.  She assures me I have nothing to worry about.  Then we talk about how I handled the garage situation.  I shouldnt have tried to take care of it myself.  I should have told them about it.  I apologized and all that stress went off of my shoulders!!!

Then!  Joshua's teacher reaches out asking when I can meet with her for ptc.  I express I have to take more time off of work and she OFFERS to do a conference on my lunch hour over the phone!!!  No one has ever offered that in five years!  I honestly choked up. That would mean I have to take less time off of work, but I still get to do what I need to do.  God.  You heard me.  You are good.

Then!  Yoly messages me that the fall item I requested is done.  I ask if I can write a check (I asked over a month ago) and she tells me that it's a gift.  I honestly wiped away tears.  I have been challenging myself all season long to find things to be thankful for.  I lost that beautiful ability with Jason.  And Here God used someone to give me the gift of Fall.

This may all seem Silly to you, but it's real to me.  God is in the big and little things. He showed me today that he hasn't abandoned me.  That he's here.  He hears me and Sees me.  I listened to His direction and big things were taken off of my shoulders.

And, at the end of the day, I ate a decent dinner.  I chose to eat rice noodles with my spaghetti instead of wheat...  and now I communicate all of this so that it'll be off of my shoulders.

I am so lonely, but I'm doing it.  With God.  With myself  And with my Boys.  Not to mention the beautiful friends that love me and care about me.  They show my boys love by buying for their selling events.  They love us all by cheering me on.  I adore all of you.

Now to get a heavenly snickerdoodle hot chocolate. lol

To Love

I have been meditating a lot on what love looks like.  I know that most of you will think this is going to take a turn into scripture, but it's not. 

In these recent months i've really looked at what my strengths and weaknesses are.  For so many years, with Jason, I never thought I loved enough.  Or parented enough.  I felt like a constant failure. Then I met Chad and discovered I can love and love so well.  I thought it was because I was made to love 'him', but the truth is that I'm simply made to love.

Think about that.  It's a powerful statement.

I was made to love.

I love in so many ways.  I love in my verbiage.  I love with my thoughts that turn into actions.  I love with my loyalty, my smile, and my touch.  I love with my planning, structure, and honesty. I show love in my quirky humor.  I love in my ability to make anyone feel instantly safe and comfortable with me.

Its quite a beautiful thing to finally see that within myself.

But then there comes my shattered reality that I may love well, but I can't seem to BE loved.  Is it because I'm unlovable or because I pick bad?

This weekend was a turning point for me.  I had three people cancel on me. In all fairness, the third missed their flight, but that left me financially responsible for everything.  I had a choice to stay home or face my disappointment and go alone.  I put a happy face on it on facebook, but in all honesty I bawled myself to sleep on Friday night.  I barely slept because it was a new place with new noises.  I felt so alone, but i refused to let it cripple me.  I actually took all of it in relative stride which i never would have done a year ago.

And what did I do the first two days?  I found christmas gifts for people i love.  I made the choice to look all around me instead of within me.  I helped sisters get a perfect photo.  I made sure I was warm to all around me.  I went to new shops.  I didn't feel god through any of it, but I saw Him in the ways certain things happened.  A purchase i've wanted for over 10 years that was 65% off.  I saw it how I 'happened' to find the hiking trail that led to a bucket list being scratched off.  I saw it in the choice to trust the random hiking signs telling me it Was a loop so just keep going. (lol) The crazy deals i got for others.  I kept refusing to let myself stew in self pity with the thoughts that what I had wasn't good enough.

Then, as I drove home, depression hit me really bad.  Chad and I would have been together one year in just three weeks.  I cannot stay on a faithful cycle to lose this weight.  The guy I actually Gave a chance to is married to his work and thus on an island all his own.  I couldn't reach him if I owned my own canoe.  I'm insanely sexually frustrated, but so proud I've gone as long as I have.  I started to choke on the wonderings why i'm not able to be loved.  Mad at myself that I hate myself so much and feel incapable of ever accepting who I am.

Then I heard this still small voice.  It asked me how I show love to others... well.  I show love with compliments and thoughtful deeds.  I show love with attention and alone time.  I show love with touch.  Laughter.  As I pondered that I was flooded with memories where I Have loved myself!  Every hot bath I take is an act of love.  When I walk my dog or exercise I'm loving myself.  When I snuggle my dog or kids I'm loving all of us.  When i cook a yummy meal I'm loving myself.  All my damn cleaning and structure is loving myself!  Climbing a mountain is loving myself!  Even all my damn selfies is self love... because I'm actually appreciating what I see.

So here's to Love.  What I wouldn't give to feel that love returned to me, but until then I am going to Love Others.  Love Animals and Love myself the only way I know how.  Maybe some day the ability to like myself will come hand in hand.