I am not Special

I realized something this year that has changed my life in so many ways.

I am not Special.

Wait.  Before you jump on the bandwagon to tell me differently, let me Explain.

Chad taught me a very valuable lesson.  It took me almost a year to digest.  Mind you, as I think about my past I realize others taught me this lesson as well, but he cemented it.  From the beginning he gave me key phrases that I should have listened to.  "No one leaves me.  I am the one who leaves."  "When I'm done; I am done."  I heard them, but smiled inside and thought things like, "Wow.  I'm finally special.  My person found me.  I changed a cold man into a loyal man."  It actually gave me an ounce of price because I was special.  I was the one to change this wonderful man into something better.

And, I was wrong.  So wrong.  I am not special.  I cannot change a broken man who doesn't want commitment.  I cannot change a man who wants to be married to his work.  I cannot change a man who wants to swing.  I can not change a cheater.  I cannot change a mans heart.  Dammit.  I am not special.

So.  What am I?

• I am sad.  I wish I was special and could do those things.
• I am so thankful that I finally realized this.
• I am brave and smart enough to walk away when I hear those key phrases.
• I have courage to face a life know that I may never ever be loved by a man.
• I am a mom who fails, but apologizes and keeps going.  I love.  I snuggle.  I yell.  I never leave or stop loving them.
• I have bipolar.  And I LOVE that I'm bipolar.  I do.  I embrace it.  I understand it.  It is me and I am it.  I am the strengths of bipolar.  I am the weaknesses of bipolar.
• I am a Christian.  Honestly.  I hate that word, but I also embrace it.  God is real.  Jesus is real.  He is in my brokenness and He is in my strengths.
• I can block people.  That may sound strange, but I could Never do it before.  I always felt guilty.  I knew what it was like to be rejected so I thought if I kept people around then maybe they would realize that I was worth not being rejected.
• I am a dog owner.  My precious butterscotch who gets me out of the house and loves me with a million kisses every day.
• I am a lover of Christmas and Holidays (birthdays/valentines day/etc).  I love to give joy.  I love to see peoples faces light up.
• I love Red.  Seems so silly to list this, but I do.  I love it.  It makes me smile.  I love to watch the beauty of red make others smile.  It is not satans color.  Red is the life blood.  Red is fire.  Red is joy.

I had a few experiences this week that cemented many of these realities.  I have put my foot out there to start dating again.  It's honestly sickening whats out there.

I refused to be with a man who has issues.  So, in turn, what does he do?  He offers me $350.00 dollars to sleep with him.  Every time.  That amount of money is three days worth of pay.  I admit I considered it, very briefly.  Hell.  I've slept with worse men for free.  (Dean) all because I thought i Loved him and he would change.  He never changed.  I just lost my heart and soul.  I declined his offer and his reaction was then desperation.  Whats even sadder? I posted about this in a private womens group and almost ALL of the women told me I should have done it.  That this line of work is normal and pays the bills.  It is accepted that using a man for money as he uses your body is okay.  I don't want that to be okay.  I don't want to lose my soul.  Or my convictions.  Trust me.  He is now blocked from all avenues much to his dismay.  But do I care about his dismay?  Nope.  Not at all.

I also met this great guy.  Honestly, He's great.  He wants the same things I want (almost eerily it was like he read my mind.)  He was kind.  Honest.  Thoughtful.  A great cook.  Just a list of things.  But.  He's broken from a past relationship.  A very very painful past relationship that he gave his all to.  He only wants to be married to his job.  He wants companionship, but not commitment.  He does not want a future with anything but money and work.  I started to hear those old thoughts, "I bet he would change his mind once we were together."  "He would change his mind once he realized I'm not her and being in a committed relationship can be safe and worth fighting for."  I knew those lies, but ignored them briefly.  Then, he reasserted his stance and I realized I was wasting my time.  I wrote him a decent text explaining that I know I'm not special.  To give him my time and body would mean I would also give him my heart and it wasn't worth the heartache that would follow when he never changed his mind.  His response made me cry.  "I respect, and admire that, in more ways than one.  I tip my hat to you for what your becoming.  Never change for anyone.  You'll always have a friend in me and I'll always be here to talk."  It's so unfair that I always meet people at the wrong time.  So bitterly unfair!

BUT I REALIZED THAT BEFORE I GAVE HIM ANYTHING MORE THAN MY TIME!

So.  Again.  What am I?

I am home alone in My Home.  Albeit it's a messy home, but that can change in a short amount of time because it's a clean home.  I did not give my body or heart to someone who wouldn't value it. I did not waste my time on somebody who isn't ready to love and be loved.  I have a tree full of memories that do not include a man.  I have friends, and children, who think I'm special.  Who are thankful for my friendship or just being their acquaintance.  I have pets who are currently surrounding me because they love to be with me.  I have Jesus who is my intercessor and interceeding on my behalf when men left me, cheated on me, and showed me just how unspecial I am.

I am home alone, but I am not being used... and I am not using anyone to fill a hole that isn't theirs to fill.

I am Janine.  House of Betrayal.  Heart Break.  Abuse.  Rape.  Yet, through that, I am a phoenix whose home is compassion, empathy, brutal honesty, kindness, a brilliant smile, and a light that hasn't been quenched out.  I am not special.  I cannot change anyone.  But I can say No.  I can Block.  And I can chose to be alone instead of opening myself up to more hurts.