Maybe he was right.

I have been thinking alot about my past relationships.  Specifically Chads last words to me.  I've been thinking about the friendships that remain no longer.  Amy.  Julie.  Crill.

They all left because I was too much.

I think I've come to realize Chad was right.  Not about everything.  And, yes, I have greatly improved, but I am too much.  He was right to leave me.  They all were.  They tried to be loyal, but I taxed every single one of them.

Other than Elisa, my closest friends are states away.  One is even over seas.  They are good friends.  Great Friends.  But each of them can walk away from their phone or internet.

Chad tried to love me, but I was in the height of my bipolar.  I do remember now that I did all i could to prove that I was worth loving, but I didn't see my own worth so he couldn't either.  Plus, he was utterly selfish and a chameleon.  He figured everyone out so he could manipulate them.  You had to be perfect to be worth staying for.  Able to do 3 somes and feed his ego.  No, I did not do the first, but every man I've ever been with wanted that.  I always refused, but I think, for him, in my quest to make him happy I think I would have finally given in.  I was so in love with him I would have done anything to make him happy.  Even sell my soul.  It wouldn't have mattered because he "was my sunshine" and I was "his light."  Nothing else mattered.

Am I better going into 2019?  Heck yes.  I can tell you my strengths and weaknesses without much effort because I KNOW what they are.  Am I lovable?  In small does.  Yeah.  As long as I don't burden anyone with everything.  And, believe it or not, I have a lot of things going on that no one has any idea of.  I've learned to be secretive what goes on behind my walls.  Even my brain.  Yeah.  I talk about alot, but it's really all surface things.

So.  In one breath I am very lovable, but in another I am not.  There is always something happening in my world. I try to be positive, but it's always something.  My health.  My kids and their many issues.  Jason.  Dating stuff.  My weight.  God.  All this suffocating fucking weight.  The fact that i can't exercise to even do anything about it right now.

I've tried so hard to be a friend to others.  Reaching out.  Listening.  Empathizing.  Yet, I am sick as a dog in true agony and only Elisa has checked in on me.

It's so sad to finally see my value, but to also see that my value doesn't matter much to others because with my value also comes drama.  Big Emotions.  I cannot be happy and positive all the time like most people.  I try, but I'm lying if I ever say that i will see life as glass half full vs. half empty.

How can I ever expect a man to deal with that day in and day out?  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?

So it goes back to a long time reality: I am not lovable. 

What's changed is that I am lovable, but I'm just not lovable in big/constant dosages.  I have to be realistic.  There will always be drama in my life.  The topics may change, but they will be there.  I'll cry and talk about it, but I will always choose to get up.  I can help others because of my experiences, but I can't expect them to do so in return.  Not in big doses. 

Drama seems to be the curse of my life. Most of it is not my doing, but it is my reality.

I hope to God I can use this year to open my bible and find my deep seeded faith again.  I hope to God I can lose weight.  I want to be better.  I'm no longer lost like I was, but I am cursed with big emotions and drama.  That curse means I will be alone.  Alone in the quiet of my beautiful home.  Alone when I am sick.  Alone in my big doses of drama.  I can reach out some.  "Dole" it out in sections, but my curse of drama and big emotions will never change.