"Forgive me"

About six months ago I found a song that communicates exactly how I feel.  It's called "forgive me" by Group 1 Crew. 

Here's the song on youtube:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PDKCFVcKnc

The chorus doesn't mean much to me, but everything else screams out the ache I feel.  I have moments that are bright, but I wonder if all this heaviness will ever get better.  The more I try to seek God the farther He feels.  I wonder when this dryness and lack of vision will end and my happiness will begin.  I've called out for help in a multitude of ways, but the same problems persist.  I still feel like I'm standing alone waiting for someone to have discernment to hear me and help me.  And Boy.  I truly feel like anger was the price that was paid as my dreams fade away.

I don't pray that the Lord will take me home.  Well, I take that back, I have in the past when the lies of suicide screamed loudly at me.  Now I pray for the Lord to help me experience His kingdom on this earth as he promises. I want to experience the kingdom on earth - His peace.  His Love.  Lives being Changed.  Truth.  The Prophetic.  Healing.  I know  His plan was for all of us to experience this HERE - Not just in Heaven.

Yet, I have been running from the throne for a long time.  Isn't it 'funny' that we can be angry and bitter with the very Creator we were born to KNOW?

I realized, as I drove to a new church last night, that the abuse I went through in LJM is still real for me. I was experiencing intense anxieties, my stomach literally Hurt, and my head was swimming.  I was scared of the unknown.  I had to literally speak out loud to myself that I could always leave, that my kids would be safe, and that no one would hurt me.  I actually had a very nice time and plan on going back.  But, that experience made me realize that 11 years later I'm still wounded.  I didn't realize that at all... at least not in that regard.

These last lyrics really permeate with me:

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
~
That's EXACTLY How I feel.  I know that life without Christ is not the answer. I know that my only hope is God.  But, I do ache over all that has gone wrong.  Being trapped in a town I hate.  My life is full of anger and disappointment.  There are many reasons, but a big one is that my dad and mom treated me weaker than the other kids.  It is annoying and I do feel for the other orphans out there - whether natural or spiritual.  I do feel stuck and i know that many others do - in and out of the church.  I am so ready to be in a place in my life where there is no more crying.  I so want to experience the fatherhood of God and find security in his arms on this earth. I want to finally grasp His Love for me and find rest for my soul.

I dont' understand why I've struggled my life.  Why I still struggle, but I know there Has to be More that this life that I know.  But, I'm still fighting to never give up and find strength in God's love... Because His word Promises He'll see me through.

I just want to stop feeling so lost.



"Forgive Me"

Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

[Chorus:]
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

Be Thankful

Last week my faithful husband suggested I read Colossians.  It took me a few days, but I am.  I can't get past this:

Col 3: 12-17

¹² Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  
¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 
¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 
¹⁵ And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
¹⁶ Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

There is a lot of GOOD meat in these verses, but the two things that stand out to me is that God wants me to make allowances for peoples faults, to forgive like Christ forgave me, to clothe myself in love, and live in harmony.  In that, live in peace and always be thankful.  Then it tells me to sing songs to God with a thankful heart.

It's been an extremely stressful 1.5 weeks with sickness.  Well, it's been stressful for a long time.  But being trapped in a house for almost two weeks is rough.  However, these last two days, all I hear is the Holy Spirit telling me to, "Be Thankful in Everything."  I also need to keep remembering to make allowances for other peoples faults.  That thought is so key for me.

So, here I go... I am going to list things I'm thankful for.

1. Jadon is the Best Sick kid I've ever met.  I'm so thankful.  I would have cleaned up his puke without a second thought, but I am SO THANKFUL that he would only be sick in the toilet.  Both ends!  He has been independant, but also quick to ask me for help or snuggles.

2. Benjamin.  That little turkey is a blessing.  I'm amazed at how much he wants to be helpful.  Yesterday Jason was looking all over for the sandals he had just been wearing.  He couldn't find them!  He had the thought to ask Ben where they were.  Ben led him into their bedroom.  He had put his dad shoes up with their shoes.  It was cute.

3. We have a warm home.  We have beds and sheets for all of us. Food to fill our bellies.  Cold and warm water to clean our dishes.  A washing machine/dryer to wash our clothes.  A beautiful Christmas tree with ornaments full of memories.

4.  All of my kids take medicine very well.

5. I really like losing weight.  I think my 14's are big on me now.

6. God has never given up on me.  He sees my heart even when I'm trapped in the darkness of depression and, what feels like, a form of insanity as I juggle my anxieties.

7. Ronnie and Kim have really been great.  He's been a blessing to our family and household.

8.  A dog who is learning to snuggle with the boys.

9.  A vacation that's 2 weeks away!  I get to see people I love!  (Please, Lord, don't let sickness deter that.)

10. God has chosen life for me even when my depression, and lies of the enemy, would have chosen death (whether in body, mind, or spirit.)  I don't understand my purpose in this earth, but I clearly have one.

11. Jason.  He's a gift.  He's shown me the Love of God in a way I could never fathom.  He serves me.  He serves our children.  He serves his job.  He serves the household.  He tries, with all his might, to always do the right thing in God's eyes.  He loves me even when I'm not lovable.

12.  Our van is running.  A door may be broken (boo), but the other one isn't.

13.  I'm thankful for nature.  I can't wait to see it in TWO WEEKS!!!!

14. All 3 boys have napped so well during the last 2 weeks of sickness. 

15. Our boys are all healthy in mind and usually in body.

16. Joshua has been stretching us so much lately with attitudes.  I have moments I wonder if we can ever reach him.  Then, I have moments like today, when he was laying on the couch about to take a nap when he gave me a heart felt apology for his earlier behavior.  It gives me hope all of us will get past this hard season with open hearts.

17. I like peoples court. :)

Snuggles

A blind spot in my parenting was revealed.  It was a rude awakening. I quit singing and rocking the boys to sleep once they started to sleep on their own.  I didn't do it out of a purposeful neglect.  It just never dawned on me that the boys might want that.  I always tell them I love them, hug them, kiss their heads, and express my pride in their abilities.  I rarely sit with them to watch tv or a movie with them.  I don't sit with them to snuggle.  I put the TV on, or a movie, to entertain them so that I can clean or get something done.  I play games, but I guess that's not the same type of quality time or love they need. 

I had this rude awakening upon moving Ben to the boys' room.  Ben is sleep trained, but I always snuggle him, sing a song to him, and then lay him in bed.  He never falls asleep right away, but that's our routine.  Once Jadon and Joshua saw me do that with Benjamin they asked if I would do that with them as well. I was really surprised!  So, now, before bed, I hold each boy and sing whatever song they request.  It's a sweet and beautiful moment.  I can't believe I've missed out of these snuggles for all this time!  They often want me to sing, "You are my sunshine." They always ask me to put their name into the song instead of "dear."

This goes to show that children, no matter the age, always want their mom to hold them, sing to them, and nurture their hearts.  I knew this, but seeing how important this ritual is has made that reality all to real.  I thought I was meeting that need in other ways, but it appears I wasn't.

Clearly, I won't always be able to hold the boys in my arms to sing to them, but I need to make sure they always feel this same type of connection even as they grow into manhood.

Snuggles.  Who would have thought they were lacking in that area.

He's Smart :p

I have been feeling a little bit of inner panic that Benjamin is behind the game with intellect.  I've felt guilty that I haven't sat with him to really teach him his colors, shapes, abc, or 123 like I did with Jadon and Joshua.  At this age they always had educational cartoons on (as well) because they were both into it.  I'm having to force Jadon to still enjoy the educational stuff that he's outgrown.  Actually, not just Jadon, but also Joshua.  They've already seen most of the tv shows since we don't have cable tv.  It doesn't help that Benji refuses to speak.  He'll say mom, dad, hi, apple, and a few other words.  Ben primarily communicates with his finger and yelling. 

I've been trying to do shapes with him.  The majority of shows I've let the boys watch are Bubble Guppies, Team Oomizoomi, and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  Within the last few days Ben has started answering team oomizoomi when they ask questions.  It's a mumble, but you can tell he thinks he knows the answer.

Just recently he can find all of the shapes on the shape square.  Tonight I was cleaning their room.  The puzzle pieces were in a big pile.  I set the puzzles out and asked him where the pieces went.  He found ALL of them!  There was a shape puzzle, car puzzle, animal puzzle, dinosaur puzzle, and something else.  I couldn't believe it! 

His little finger is only a representation of his brilliant brain. :P


Today I had a crazy experience happen.  I woke up feeling great.  Limited stress as I got out of the house.  I planned on going to the park with the boys and grandma.  I was going to get milk at the grocery store and stop at Beall's.  We were already to go when suddenly I started cramping.  I ended up getting sick.  I had to rush home.  Grandma graciously kept Joshua and even had me put his carseat in her car so that she could still take him to the park.  I am SO grateful.  I came home, still felt bad, took care of Ben, and when he went to sleep I crashed as well.  Jason graciously picked up Joshua and Jadon.  Then he took them to the park and mcdonalds for dinner.  Ben slept THREE hours which allowed me to get lots of rest.  I feel better.  I still have no idea what happened.  I don't think I ate anything to trigger that attack.  I have some anxieties, but nothing to trigger that event.  But, it seems odd that I would get sick for a few hours and then the fierceness of it go away.  I am starting to get hungry so hopefully it's gone.

I'm just so thankful to have a husband who takes care of us.

Please says a prayer for Jason's car.  The heat and AC went out.  We need a miracle that it fixes or the money to fix it.  He's planning on surviving without heat, but I don't think that's possible.  His windows will start freezing.  He won't be able to see when he's driving.  Thank you for your prayers on this matter.

Good Night, All!

Hello Monday!

Whew.  I don't have anything Huge to write, but I thought I'd just talk about all of the different things happening.  I'm going to number because it'll be easier to gather my thoughts. :)

1. The boys have transitioned very well to sharing a room.  I think Jadon enjoys the fact that Joshua hangs out with him a little bit, but is mainly focused on Benjamin.  He goes up to his top bunk and passes out well before Joshua and Ben fall asleep.  The last two nights we've discovered Joshua asleep in Ben's crib.  I just move him.  Whatever it takes to get them to be peaceful and GO TO SLEEP. lol


2. I'm actually having a hard time with this life change.  I thought it would be easier, but it's not!  I can't seem to grasp the idea that I "get" to eat healthy.  All I feel is that I'm losing out on what I want to eat.  I'm really at a loss for what I'm going to do when we're gone two weeks to visit friends and family.  I'm still struggling finding a salad dressing that I like.  It might be easier if everyone else was eating this way, but I feel guilty pushing it on them.  Jason is being VERY helpful!  He's making bread I can eat.  He's growing water keifer, kamboonchoo (spelling?), and helping me ferment milk keifer with cinnamon to see if I can find a taste I actually want to drink. lol  The boys liked lemonade water keifer!  I think I've hit a rut.  I need to continue to explore more options.  I'm starting to get lazy and eat the same things.  It's making me miss food I can't eat.

3. I haven't had a smoothie for a week.  I gave up drinking them because I was so disappointed the company, Greek God, doubled the sugar content in all of their products.  There terrible decision means I can't eat any of their yogurt!  I didn't eat much.  I would add 1-2 spoonfuls to my smoothies.  It was delicious.  I was unable to make a smoothie that tasted as good without it.  However, my BRILLIANT husband added a little bit of raw honey to my smoothie and it was GREAT!!!  He found the KEY to a tasteful smoothie!  Hope. lol

4. I'm temping every morning.  I'll report the findings on Friday.  My highest temp has been 96.0.  I wonder if that means my thyroid is messed up?  I dunno.  Taking 3 Cerenity is helping a little bit.  I think.  Maybe?  I don't know!  I start my progesterone again on Thursday.

5. Small group was nice on Sunday.  I really like Kim and Ronnie.  They really seem to love us.  I'm amazed at their thoughtfulness.  She used oat flour to fry the meat, made me cookies I could eat, and made gravy that was safe.  Plus she had yummy green beans with bacon as a side.  It's rare to find someone who is so supportive.  The alexanders (love them too) brought a homemade chocolate pumpkin cake.  It looked divine.  I sat at the tale trying to ignore the elephant in the room when Kim told me she made me my cookies.  It was so wonderful to NOT CARE that I was missing out on a homemade delicious cake.  Eating that cookie was a gift.  Ronnie is working very hard to help us as we need it.  I think I baffle him sometimes with my rollercoasters, but he laughs with me a lot and seems to love all of us despite our flaws.

6. I'm making my first BIG turkey tomorrow.  I got a 17lb turkey for free at albertson's.  We didn't have room in our freezer so I thawed it.  I'm nervous.  I hope it turns out.  I'll safe the chicken for salads, etc.  I'll also try out the gravy recipe I found using droppings, broth, and arrow root.  It'll be preparation for Thanksgiving.

I found this 'dressing' recipe I'm going to make for thanksgiving.  Will it be easy?  Will it taste good?  I REALLY hope so.

Recipe: "Safe" Dressing 

Mom will still make all of the food I normally drooled over... stuffing, dumplings, etc.  She's Graciously not going to buy a pumpkin pie.  I told her to buy an apple pie instead.  I don't care if I miss that.  I DID find a pumpkin pie recipe, but I have yet to convince Jason to make it.  (I don't bake. lol)

Recipe: Pumpkin Pie


7.  I've stated a new 'rule' in this household.  The boys MUST say Three positive things about the person they were just mean to.  We're running into a wall because the boys do not know how to compliment anyone.  All Josh wants to do is say that he likes it when Jadon plays with him. lol  That baffles me because I am the QUEEN of affirmation.  I'm trying to figure out how to have that light bulb turn on for them.  It did bite me in the butt!  This morning the boys were in full fight mode.  We were running late getting Jadon to school. ALL I wanted was for them to STRAP THEMSELVES IN.  I finally said, "Shut your mouth and strap yourself in!!!"  Joshua's little voiced piped up, with full attitude on his face, and said, "Mom,  It's not nice to say "shut your mouth."  Say three nice things about me."  I confess I chuckled in shock and then quickly told him three things I love about him.


8. Best moment of my weekend?  I was driving the boys somewhere when Jadon piped up and said, "Mom.  You know what I love more then anything?"  I asked him what that was and he said, "You."  I actually teared up and choked back tears after that.  I expected him to say rainbows or colors.  Nope.  He said me.  :)

9. I have discovered that I DO Have Self Control.  I used to think I didn't.  It's made me pull on an inner strength that I didn't know I possessed.  It also helps me see that I Can have self control in areas I call 'weak' or 'struggles'.  It's been a great eye opener.  I am proud of myself.


10.  Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers.  We really need it. 

Jadon with school - finding a friend and focusing on what the teacher wants. 
Me - that I get freedom/healing/answers. 
Joshua - that his heart is protected, remains tender, as we figure out how to parent someone who can be so strong willed and even hateful at times.  
Jason - Patience.  Stamina.  Love. 
Ben: well... that he stays cute. :P

As always, pray that the Lord speaks to our hearts, minds, and continues to show us who God, our Father, is in the midst of daily life.

Oh and prayers that we could move to a bigger place... and even bigger town would be an added bonus. haha

I found a Noodle!

I'm SO excited!  Jason found a noodle that I Love!  Yay!!!!!!!!  My Spaghetti has been REDEEMED!!!!!  Spaghetti sauce that I can eat with yummy noodles!!  This makes everything better.  I Love spaghetti.  All three boys liked it too!!! 

Here's a picture of my exciting and delicious dinner:





That said, that's about all the happy news I have.  Yesterday was a really hard parenting day.  Dr. Ben called me today.  I told him that I'm 99 - 100 percent on board with the diet, but that I don't feel any better.  He wants me to take 3 cerenity a day and take my temperature before I get out of bed every morning.  He thinks my blood tested false negative for my thyroid.  My cortisol test came back.  I was an 8 or 9 first thing in the morning.  Your supposed to be a 2 or 3.  So clearly my cortisol is killing my adrenals.  He said that I have to stay away from stress as much as possible.  That's comical.  I've given up two of my escapes (food and facebook) with very little in return.  I still feel depressed and I'm lonely.

I guess this means I need to use this time to focus on God.  That news shouldn't frustrate me.  I'm just sad.

I dunno, people, I'm discouraged.  I asked Dr. Ben if I was ever going to feel better.  He told me it would take time, but that it would happen.

I hope so.  I'm discouraged.

A Shopping Day!

This morning started off at the dentist office.  I am so proud of our older boys.  Jadon was scared.  Josh told him he'd go first to show Jadon that there was nothing to be scared of.  Joshua was such a trooper!  He was completely relaxed and brave!  Jadon wasn't quite as adventurous, but he followed his brother's example to the best of his ability. Tjhey both laid there and let the dental hygienist clean their teeth.   We were so proud!

After we had our teeth cleaned we went back to mom's (who was watching Benjin) to have lunch and do nap times.  When the younger boys went to sleep I asked Jadon if he wanted to run an errand with me.  I decided today was a day to shop for a pair of jeans.  I had a good coupon for jcpenny that I wanted to use.

Jadon and I had a good time!  I took a few pictures that I'll share in a moment, but I'm elated to tell the world that I have went down 1-2 pant sizes!!!!!!!!  I actually fit a size 12 TODAY!!  I was a 16 a month ago.  It's a nice feeling.  Really nice feeling. 

These are the jeans I bought today!  (I sucked my gut in a little bit with this photo. lol)  Look at how LITTLE I LOOK!  I can't believe it!

The front/side view with no flash!




I was torn between the dark and the light.  I posted this photo because it makes me laugh.  Jadon was being so silly.  It was cute!

I settled on the dark pair and then headed to mom's.  She wanted to go boot shopping for the boys.  Is anyone else SHOCKED at the lack of boys boots in this town?!  It's crazy!  We came home, cooked dinner, and then my kind husband helped me clean.  I was extremely overwhelmed with how messy our house was.  Thanks to Jason I'll face tomorrow a much happier woman.


On that note, I thought I'd share a few photos of our updated walls thanks to Deb and Bill! 

I still need to fill this frame, but I love it.  Aren't the crosses pretty?

This is what I look at when I sit on the couch:

However, with all of those photos, this one is my favorite from today.  I'm going to put it as the background on my phone.  Jadon is growing up to be such a smart wonderful little boy.  I pray the Lord gives us grace to help ease his high anxieties and to teach us how to reach our children's hearts.


Me and my Jadon:

Isn't that a beautiful photo?  His smile is so genuine.  We had a good time jean shopping.  I should post the multitude of pictures he took of all the fire alarms, sprinklers, and the neat tiled floor.


Good Night, World!  Tomorrow is going to be cold. Stay warm.  Now to figure out how to reach my Joshua tomorrow with his need for quality time.