Lost

I am just so lost.  Lost.

Is there any hope for me, God?  Any? 

I feel like a wounded horse that has an incurable disease.  The best thing to do is shoot it and put it out of it's misery.

A perfect weekend!

Our handsome, brilliant, loving, tenacious, and sweet little Joshua turned 1 this week. I know where the year went, but it's quite surreal to see just how much he's grown and learned in a years time.  For months now he's felt like a little mini toddler.  He Loves to eat.  He'll eat just about anything.  He knows who we are.  Whenever Jason comes home he runs up to him and says, "da".  When he wakes up one of his first words are usually, "momm momm momm."  He LOVES to be outside.  Just Loves it.  I don't remember Jadon craving the outside this quickly.  The one area i pray changes... and soon... are his sleeping stints.  I REALLY want longer stretches of sleep then 3-4 hours.  Maybe it'll get better when we move him out of our room?

His Birthday party was a Huge success!  We had some friends and Jason's brother/wife/two girls over.  I didn't want anything big since he's so young, but I wanted to do something to celebrate his first year.  Rebecca made an amazing birthday cake!  It was an alphabet themed cake.  She also made him a little cupcake to eat.  He ate the entire thing... and he ate it so neatly too.  It was adorable!  Not to mention I got some great pictures and videos of the entire thing!  He received some neat gifts.  He had a blast being the center of attention.  I think his favorite gift was the flip out sofa mom gave him.  Jadon and Joshua will both snuggle on that together.  In many ways, I think Jadon felt like it was his party because he got new toys to play with too. haha

After the party I made a delicious dinner, we ate, and then went with the boys and my BIL/SIL/Nieces to the park.  The boys had a blast!  Jadon really bonded with the girls and with Betty.  He was afraid to go down the big twisty slide prior to their visit, but when Ella went down he figured it must be safe... and then when he realized Betty would catch him he had a BLAST.  He'd get up there and say, "Betty Catch Me?"  She'd tell him she was there and he'd fly down.  It was so much fun and quite beautiful.  By the time they left both boys went to sleep without a peep. :P

Today we went out to mom's to visit with her/damon/betty/girls some more.  The kids played outside most of the morning and afternoon.  Jason and Damon fixed mom's lawnmower and then they treated us to Dominoes.  I was STUNNED at how much pizza Joshua ate.  He LOVED The sausage.  He just ate and ate.  He also napped quite well after that. :P  

Afterwards we came home, cleaned up the house from yesterday, ate dinner, did bath time, dance time, read a few books, and the boys crashed easily once again.  Then I worked out for 39 minutes to the Biggest Loser and now I'm spending time blogging.  I really hope I lose weight this week.  I'm worried I won't, but we'll see.

What made this weekend so special and perfect was the fact that it was the first time, in our marriage, that I felt close to all of Jason's family.  God has really done a healing work on myself and a member of his family... we did not get along.  It was really really bad for a few years.  I never, in a million years, thought that we'd ever like each other... let alone enjoy each other's company.  However, this have been changing these last few months and this trip was truly pleasant and ... perfect.  Jadon was in HEAVEN with his cousins.  I actually thought, "man, I wish we lived closer to xyz so that we could see them more often" during the visit.  If you knew the past circumstances that would make your jaw hit the ground.  But, truly, I didn't want it to end.  I really enjoyed all of it.  I felt content, happy, and that I - and my boys - were apart of something bigger then just Jason and I.  It was a nice feeling.  We're all excited to visit them in El Paso at the end of April.  

Jadon's birthday is next!  Weather permitting, we're definitely going to do it at the park.  Jason's aunt/uncle is coming, damon/betty/girls, plus some of our friends so I think the park will be more fitting.  I can't believe he's going to be 3!  He just amazes me every day.  On Friday he started to sing, "The Bible, yes that's the book for me...".  I can't tell you how beautiful it is to hear your son sing, "I stand alone on the Word of God, the BIBLE."  I realize he doesn't understand what he's saying yet, but I believe he will some day!

Well, I should go for now.  My goal for this week is to read my bible, eat good, go to Mops, try to build a friendship in person, and exercise.

Their Differences

I've been thinking about the differences between my sons.  I find it interesting that they come from the same parents, the same DNA, and the same upbringing and yet they are already vastly different.

When you look at them you can see the outward differences and similarities. Their is no mistaking they are brothers!  They both have the same hair color/type/style.  They both have long torso's, but shorter legs.  And they'll both be tall!  I think Joshua may be a little taller, but I could be wrong.  Jadon has my skin tone, smile, and eyes.  Yet, he looks Just like his dad.   Joshua has Jason's skin tone (very fair), but his facial built is definitely more from me.  I think Jadon will be a little skinnier and Joshua will be a little more stout like a football player.

Jadon:
I really believe he's going to be a very loyal detail oriented kid.  His memory is amazing.  He really prefers pairs.  It doesn't matter what, but he will remember the color and shape of everything he owns.  He isn't happy unless he has them both.  I was praying about that characteristic the other day when suddenly I 'heard' that he's going to be a very loyal and faithful man.  Just has he has two have his two pairs shows that he'll be just as loyal to his friends and relationships.  Sometimes I worry he may be a little OCD (everything has to line up, colors have to match, and he's very specific with everything), but it doesn't worry me much.  I think he'll just be an amazing detailed kid just like his dad.  Jadon has a lot of energy, loves to dance, smile, play, and be active, but he's also very cautious.  He's the kid who will sit at the top of the twisty slide to greet everyone, want to make friends, but stay at the top because he's scared to go down the dark slide.  He loves his shapes, numbers, and colors.  It amazes me just how much he craves... no, NEEDS to be loved and receive approval.  He soaks it into every pour of his little body.  He definitely learns from praise, yet he also is learning to be nice, share, and face consequences.  I have to laugh because when I hear him say, "be nice to your brother" it's usually because he just wasn't and knows that's what I'd tell him.  He's sensitive, but also extremely resilient.  I know that if he's crying then he must really be hurt.  I'm constantly amazed at all the little bruises that pop up and I have NO idea where they came from.  He never tells me he's hurt!  He just falls/trips and gets right back up.  Joshua is the same way.

Joshua:
I still can't get over his beautiful blue eyes!  That's the first difference that strikes me every time I see him.  However, there are other differences that are prevalent!  He loves green beans and peas.  Most kids hate the green stuff (Jadon did), but not our Joshua.  I really believe he's going to be the kid who is always out there.  He's already climbing and fearless!  I think he's going to be the kid who jumps head first down that dark twisty slide!  We're amazed at his growth.  Jason calls him the 11 month old toddler because he's been walking for months, climbs on everything he can, and LOVES to do anything new.  He already insists on being outside.  He's in heaven walking around in the grass, bending down to pick up a ball, and he's recently already started playing with cars!  I can't believe it!  He got a little car for his birthday (he opened it early).  I was SHOCKED to find him sitting on the carpet and running that car over the carpet like a bigger kid would do.  How is it that he knows it's supposed to go like that?  I guess he learned that from his brother.  Jadon has never been into cars so it's shocking to see Joshua interested and so early!  Yet, he's a very laid back kid.  He's only ever cried if he was hungry, tired, or hurt.  I sometimes feel guilty that I'm not spending enough quality time with him because he's perfectly happy to chase his brother, climb on the toddler bed, play with toys, and chill.

I'm really enjoying watching them growth.  I can't wait to see just how similar and different they'll be as they continue to become the men God created them to be!

Check out my new BEAUTIFUL siggy!

Whew!

I've wanted to blog for a few days now, but it seems I've always been distracted with the house, kids, cleaning, or just being tired! :)

I had a really busy, but wonderful weekend.  Amy came down for three days so that she could see us and attend Shanessa's wedding.  She was a huge help as I worked in the background at Shanessa's wedding.  She was the jelly to my peanut butter. :P  I really enjoyed all that I did!  I really felt like I was in my element again.  I loved the adrenaline that pumped through my veins and being the one to make sure things happened.  I really need to find a way to jump back into that gifting of mine!

I packed up most of Joshua's 6 month clothes.  I kept a few 9-12 month pj's because they JUST fit.  I need them until I can get the rest of his 12 month clothes from mom's house (that'll happen on Tuesday) and buy more pj's.  Jadon's 12 month wardrobe seems to consist of spring/summer things.  It's still winter in Joshua's 12 month wardrobe world. haha

We ordered Joshua's new convertible carseat!  I'm very excited!  It's time!  I've had my heart set on the myride 65 for months now.  The safety features and price are just right.  Just today, as I looked at Walmart's website, I discovered they came out with a new material.  It's black and silver.  Love!  The price was perfect too!

I've been catching up on my daily bible reading.  I got a little behind with how busy I was this weekend.  I finished up Genesis and through Mathew 8.  I still have four chapters of Job to read and then I'm caught up.

Here are the few reflections I had as I read...

 

1. While reading about Sarah I was struck at the words that her period had CEASED. I've read that passage A LOT over the years and some how I never read that before! I just assumed, with their long lives, that she must have had her period still.  No wonder she laughed when they said she'd have a son in a year!

2. My heart went out to Leah. I found it VERY interesting that Leah followed God, but Rachel stole her dad's graven images. Maybe Leah was the one he should have been so devoted to! It broke my heart a little when he went before his brother, Esau, and put all the other children/wives first and Rachel/her boys last. When leah was the faithful one!

3. I always thought of Joseph in jail with the baker/other guy... like IN jail, but as I read it this time I read that he oversaw the jailers. God always raised him in rank - even in Jail.

4. It's always bothered me that Jesus granted the demon's wish to go into the swine.  Why do it when you know the pigs will drown?  Why not just send the demons to hell?  Yet, this time I was struck with the thought/disservice Jesus did to the man that owned those pigs!  I have to imagine that part, if not all, of their entire livelihood drowned that day. I wonder why Jesus didn't think about that before he granted the demon's request.  Even if the pigs were wild why sentence the pigs to death?  Was it because they were 'unclean'?  But still... within a few short years food won't be 'unclean' under the new law.  Jesus had to have known all that so why kill the pigs?

Reading my Bible in a year

As a New Years Resolution I decided to follow this website so that I can read my Bible in a year. 

http://bibleinayearandbeyond.blogspot.com/search/label/Planning%20for%202011

Today was day 2.   I read Genesis 4-6 and Mathew 2.  I thought I'd share my thoughts on what I read today.

I'm finding it very interesting how God created the heavens/stars/moon as a sign that points to seasons and a purpose. I don't plan on becoming an astrologer or anything, but .. yet again, the devil tried to pervert what God first created and ordained!

Secondly, has it ever bothered you that only one child is named in the geology in Gen 5? I can't help but feel for the others who were not 'important' enough to be mentioned by name. Every time I've ever read that I always feel my heart crying out, "Lord, don't let me be unmentionable."

Have you ever thought what Adam and Eve must have felt like when they lost both their sons? Man.

Also, Cain worked the ground and in his sin his judgment was to never work the ground again. His sin/choices cost him his relationship with God, his family, and the only work he ever knew. Yet, God still blessed his hands because it appears he built a city, had many children, and those children 'created' many things we still use. (although, they were created first in heaven)

Wouldn't it have been neat to see a Nephilium? My, how long they lived! It's interesting that God took Enoch when he was only 365.  I wonder why God took him up so 'young.' 

The waters were 270 feet above the highest mountain.  I wonder if they felt like they could touch the sky/clouds!?!  I wonder where all that water came from when it says, "the waters of the great deep burst forth" in Gen 7:11.

Contentment

I read a blog that about contentment tonight that really resonated with me.

An excerpt:

"Most of all, we discovered that contentment is a state of the heart, unaffected by outward circumstances.

Contentment is a choice. So choose today to bloom where you’re planted. Choose to make the most of whatever situation you find yourself in. Choose to stop focusing on what you don’t have and start being thankful for the many blessings you do have.

And remember, no matter what difficulties you might be dealing with today, somebody else would love to be in your shoes."

~~

I really found this to be profound.  Contentment is a choice.  What is the state of my heart?  How can I change that?

I really need to remember this on days I'm blinded by myself and my circumstances.