Jason and I saw "Thor" yesterday. It was okay. It was my least favorite comic book movie. The movie had a lot of holes. I didn't like the ending.
Last weekend Deb and Bill drove out to help me decorate our place. I like all that they did, but this is my favorite outcome:
Isn't that beautiful?! I Love that my favorite eagle picture is flanked by some of my smaller eagles. My other 2 eagles flank the grandfather clock. I just love this! Thank You, Jason!!!
I'm also very happy with the outcome of Ben's bedroom Transition. I like what we did with the bedroom and the transition has gone relatively smooth. Jadon has had some reprieve with Joshua getting in his bed because he's too busy doting/helping Benjamin transition. Joshua's love and devotion for the ones he loves amazes me every day.
I took two pictures to try and show you their bedroom. It's hard to capture pictures because of the size of the room, but here are two:
Ben seems to like sharing a room with his brothers. I have to admit we LOVE having our room back! It's so nice to have TWO rooms to retreat to once the kids are asleep. I'd post pictures of that, but it's still a work in progress.
How am I? Still Pretty lonely. I miss my facebook friends. I miss seeing their names, knowing about their lives, and having their input in my life. I can't tell you how many times I still check my email and feel the keene sadness that my email is now Empty. Bare bones. But, I know that I did the right thing leaving facebook. I'm sure I'll be released to return some time in the future, but that time isn't now. I'm trying to replace my facebook time with present time with my kids, trying to make local connections, and time with the Lord. I just hope I can make connections here.
On happier news... I put on a size 12 jeans just to see how it would fit. I didn't know what to expect. I was ELATED when I was able to put them on and button them up! Granted, they are still too tight to wear comfortably, but I can get them on! It's hard to believe I was wearing a size 16 a little under a month ago. I don't feel any different. I hope these food choices will get me the answers/relief/results that I'm hoping for. I'm still having a very hard time finding a salad dressing i like. It's forced me to eat less salads because they don't taste good. The product, "Greek God Yogurt" changed their product and DOUBLED their sugar content so I can't eat that anymore. A Huge Huge Bummer. Huge. But, I did find a delicious recipe for roasting a whole chicken that we all love.
I'm really struggling with the reality I must forgive. I don't want to. I don't even know how, but it's clear the Holy Spirit is demanding it of me. It's hard. Really hard.
Well quiet cyber land here's another blog for ya. Thanks for letting me to type even if you are quiet.
I had an interesting day today. I woke up feeling really low. It's been a painful week juggling raging emotions that rose up after I felt hurt by someone close to me. We had mediation on Wednesday. The mediation solved the strife, but the confusion and hurt feelings still remained (just not as severe.) I woke up feeling extremely depressed. The old thoughts that life would never change. My struggles would remain. The old funk of a heavy head, despair, and sadness sat on me like a wet blanket.
As I cleaned up, I cried out to God asking him why scripture states He sends us help, but I couldn't see any help before me.
It was then I felt the Holy Spirit ask me, "Who are you seeking? Death or Life?"
I Paused. Really Paused. How can I rail against the Lord for not sending me help when I'm seeking depression (and the death that brings) instead of God who actually sends help?
Even after that question I still felt dark. I still kept railing at God (internally) when I asked Him WHY I'm still alive after all the torment I've gone through in this life time. There have been a few times I've asked for death... even begged for it because I thought that was the only answer to end my lack of peace. I was tired of dealing with the torment of depression, self hate, and fear.
It was then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me something else. He said, "If the spirit of Death actually had authority over your life don't you think you'd be dead?"
I paused again.
That question was huge. Death has No authority. The only authority it has is what we give it! We may live a living death, but he can't touch your life unless God wills it.
Why do I let depression and despair gobble me up when it clearly has no authority to DO anything to my life. I mean seriously. WHAT have those emotions DONE for me? Have they helped me? Have they released me? Have they given me joy? A purpose? No, just more death... but a living death. So, in a way, I received what I asked for. Yet, a living death is far worse then anything one could ask for! There is No peace! Yet, death has NO authority to take a life. It can lie to you. Deceive you. But it never helps you!
The devil has lied to me. He's lied to me when it said that death would bring peace. But Death never brings peace. The only thing that brings Peace is God. The Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ. Jesus is the ONLY one who holds the keys to life and death. God has always been faithful to help me, but it really is in His Mercy and Grace. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but my relationship with depression and despair is stronger. How can He help me if I'm friends with such lies? There is no freedom in those lies.
Ever after those moments of revelations I still sat in my living room feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I had been trapped in this house for three days (Joshua was sick two nights ago.) I couldn't find anyone to have a play date with. I knew that Joshua needed to get out of the house just as much as I. I asked Joshua if he'd like to feed the ducks and go to the park. So we did! It was fun! When we drove up to the pond the ducks surrounded our van. I was too intimidated to walk amongst them (geese are mean!) so we opened up the van windows and threw the popcorn out. Joshua was on the passenger side and I held Benji. The laughter was intoxicating. Ben threw half his popcorn back into the van. After we were done throwing popcorn I took this picture:
This has to be one of my favorite photos!
Afterwards we played on the play ground, dug in the dirt, and explored the area. We went to McDonald's to eat. I did Not cheat! I got a glass of water. I did okay until I saw someone eating a blast. Drool. Joshua had fun playing for an hour with a sweet little girl. We came home and BOTH boys NAPPED wonderfully! Yay! We really enjoyed ourselves.
Jason came home feeling productive. He decided it was time to move Ben's crib into the boys room. I was/am not ready, but decided I better support the move since he was taking the crib down. lol. When it was all said and done we completely remodeled the boys' bedroom. I like it! I'll post a picture later. I couldn't take one tonight because my flash wasn't working due to low battery. I hope this was the right decision. I hope it won't mean more stress. I do not need more stress. lol
Now to replace my facebook time with more then just my
children, but also with personal time with the Lord. I believe, if I
can continue to draw close to Him, that maybe I can finally learn to forgive and
have peace no matter what storm comes my way.
I think I'm doing okay with the diet. My taste buds
must be changing. As I ate a salad the produce actually tasted good
without dressing. I actually liked the grilled chicken.
I was pleased with this photo I took today. My face looks So skinny. I wish I'd lose weight in my derriere/hips first, but it appears weight melts off of me from top to bottom.
Here's my skinny face photo:
In closing...
I love my kids. I love spending time with them. I love watching Joshua's brain as he figures out how to STOMP me in the ninja turtle match it game. I love Jadon's eagerness to help. Especially in the kitchen. I love Benjamin's innocence and devotion to his brother. I love it when he calls Jason, "nanny." He can't say his D's yet. I love my husband who works so hard to provide and take care of us.
I miss certain foods, but I love my skinny face. :P
Two nights ago I sat on my couch struggling with my failures. I found myself sitting here asking God to help me, but not having much confidance that I'd get much direction. I was at a true loss trying to find a balance with all my life changes, struggles, and fears that things would never change.
It was at that moment that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook account. I've known, for quite some time, that I used facebook too much. I've lost count how many times I've said, "I know that I use facebook too much, but it's my only source of communication. It's a guilty pleasure with friends who care about me."
Oddly enough once I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook the idea gave me peace. I felt a resolve that only the Holy Spirit could give. I would never, ever, deactivate my daily source of input and communication on my own.
So, I did it. I let as many people know that I could. I didn't want anyone to think I blocked them. I can imagine that would be the logical conclusion if one day I was there and the next I vanished completely.
It's been two days. I have to admit I'm extremely lonely, but I know I did the right thing. It was shocking to realize just how much I checked my email. It's still shocking to see how empty my email is. I used to have so many emails in my 'social' gmail folder from facebook. Whether a comment made on my status or others commenting on status' I commented on. I've actually found myself reading my junk mail just to be in contact with something that isn't in my house.
I'm ashamed to realize just how much time I devoted to facebook. Time, and focus, that I should be using for my children, myself, and to reading. And, of course, finally figuring out who God my Father is. I need to tune deeply into that source of Life.
But, Man. I miss Candy Crush. I miss interacting with others. I miss posting photos. I miss the comments. I miss sharing my life with others. I really miss it.
However, I have to establish better priorities. I also realized that I've used facebook as my form of communication SO MUCH that it stiffled me from seeking relationships that are tangible and face-to-face. Maybe this loneliness will drive me to connect with a church. People who can see my smile, or my tears, and encourage me on this journey. People I can hug. I'm struggling so much with myself. I'm hoping this diet, and hormone replacement therapy, will make a difference. I'm hoping I can finally learn to forgive. I'm still stumped on that one.
Now I have to figure out how to meet 'my' needs without zoning out to an internet game or interacting with beautiful people that can't actually hug me. I hate this loneliness!
The good news? I'm working hard to replace my internet time with kids. I made a delicious dinner tonight! It was a homemade roasted chicken. I used the bones to make my first chicken broth. My crockpot will stew all night long.
1. I prefer to skin a vegetable with a knife instead of a peeler.
2. I not only LIKE cilantro. I Love it.
3. I can roast a whole turkey with tender juicy meat!
4. I don't like Kale in salads or smoothies. I don't like chewing my smoothies. Spinach is better.
5. The ninja (blender) isn't as great as I thought it was. It's great for salsa, but it doesn't grind fruit seeds or kale leaves thoroughly.
6. I always thought I loved strawberry and banana smoothies. However, I think smoothies taste better if they have blueberries and raspberries included.
7. I did not eat well balanced meals. I'm SHOCKED at how much corn fructose syrup is countless food items.
8. I'm discovering vegetables that I didn't know existed. Actually, the only vegetables I 'knew' existed were broccolli, cauliflower, and green beans. I thought corn was a vegetable. I'm still shocked it's a starch. Spaghetti squash is quite good... but NOT with spaghetti sauce.
9. My head has been clear for two days. Does that mean this diet is working?
10. Jason is an amazing support. I knew this before, but I see it so clearly. He's been so helpful making homemade salad dressings, patient as I cry over the loss of food, experimenting with me, and encouraging me to not worry about the extra money all of this is costing us.
11. Joshua's love language is quality time. My least favorite love language to give. Ha.
12. I need to forgive. My bitterness and resentment are killing me. I'm trying to refocus myself with that in mind as this diet stuff settles down a little bit.
13. I really like that Ellen chose Twitch (primarily) as her new DJ.
14. I don't know how to cook, eat, or like Most vegetables.
15. I like being in a large or medium size shirt. I also like being back in size 14 pants. I'd like to shrink smaller, but it's wonderful to see 14's again!
16. I love having a brother and a great sister in law. I'm SO excited for the opportunity to spend Christmas with them. To see my mom and uncle as well! It's amazing how many similarities we have even though we didn't grow up together.
17. This food/life change has helped me realize that I DO have self control. I CAN choose to Not eat junk food, wheat, corn, or dairy.... even if it's in my face. I realize this may sound ridiculous, but seeing this is helping me gain confidence that I can have self control in other difficult areas of my life. Primarily yelling. I Can refuse to yell even if my kids are pushing every button known to human kind. If I can refuse homemade chocolate chip cookies when every fiber of my body, mind, and soul is SCREAMING for a fix... well, I can have the strength to shut my mouth and not yell.
18. I have a whole new respect for drug addicts. Withdrawals are wretched. Hellacious. Horrid. Hard.
19. I love the Olive Tree application on my phone (it's PHENOMENAL), but there's nothing like touching and reading my NLT life application study bible.
20. My current favorite verse is Proverbs 25:18 "A person without self control is like a city with broken down walls." My bible explains this verse by saying (at the bottom), "Think of self-control as a wall for defense and protection."
Wow! When I operate in self-control I'm actually protecting and defending myself. Love that.
I realized I should probably blog about what's been happening since Friday. I wish I had done it right away in case I've forgotten something.
I went to see Dr. Ben via Ronnie and Kim's insistance. I didn't want to go because I was worried about finances, but they insisted - Jason agreed - so I went. I can't tell you how long I've been told I was depressed, but no one could help. I figured this would be the same thing, but I wanted to honor Jason.
I'm still, quite, shocked by what the doctor believes is wrong with me. I feel immense relief to FINALLY have a doctor tell me what's wrong. But, wow. I really am broken. My heart is broken (please Lord heal my heart) and so is my body.
1. He believes I have leaking gut syndrome. He believes I've had this since I was a young kid.
2. He believes I've been in 'fight or flight' mode since I was a baby.
3. I have low progesterone. Very low.
4.. The 'fight or flight' mode for 33 years. This has created a form of ptsd. My adrenals may be in failure mode (at the very least fatigued) because I've been demanding my body make such high levels of cortisol that it's had to take from progesterone (amongst other areas).
So, my gut is broken. It's leaking food particles into my blood stream. And, since my gut is broken it can't produce seratonin and melatonin. Did you know that the gut produces 70 PERCENT of all seratonin and melatonin for your BODY?!
Progesterone, Sera, and Mela are the hormones that calm you down. Oh, and Get this, if you have low progresterone then it's very difficult to get pregnant. And, if you DO get pregnant, it's very difficult to bring your baby to term. Jadon was a preemie and I had to be on bedrest with my 2nd and 3rd to prevent having another preemie. My body literally went into labor at 28-30 weeks with all my kids.
I have none. No wonder I'm always anxious. I'm not a failure with my parenting. I'm not screwed up. NO wonder I struggle with such horrid depression. I'm simply not producing hormones to make me happy, balanced, calm, or peaceful.
He put me on a hard (what I think is hard) diet to heal my gut. No wheat, corn, gluten, white potatoes/rice. No sugars past single digits. I'm waiting for my old doctors office to fax my current blood work to Dr. Ben so that he can order more blood work. He thinks I'll be put on hormone replacement therapy until my body can produce it's own hormones. He won't make that final decision until the blood work confirms his beliefs. (Which I can't imagine it won't.)
Please, if you think of me, pray for me. Pray this heals me. Pray I can think clearly. Pray I can live a life without depression. Pray this diet heals my gut. Please pray for God's discernment and peace as I figure the diet out.
Thank you.
A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about what's been happening in my life. In the course of the conversation she told me, "In all the years I've known you I don't think I've ever seen you happy. Well, outside of when you were pregnant with Jadon." She stated another instance, but i can't remember what the instance was. She didn't say it with malice or hatred. It was an honest (to her) observation she had after knowing me for 5-6 years.
Her words have haunted me a bit.
Is that True? Am I 'that' negative?
I know that my perspective definitely falls into the "glass is half empty" mode. Most of my mother's family (that's the only side I was close to growing up) is the same way. It's definitely something that has been ingrained in my DNA.
Yet, I, more then anyone, know that, as an adult, I can't blame my past on my present choices. But, yet, it's NOT that easy. I find it almost impossible, as of late, to rewrite my DNA that was written by my parents choices. Plus, crappy things keep happening to me! Really Crappy Things. When crap hits me it's not like a tiny little pebble in the river. They are always HUGE BOULDERS that take me days, weeks, or Months... some times years... to bounce back.
But I don't want to be 'that' person. I don't want my kids to be that person.
I kind of feel like I'm going to have a panic attack worrying that I'm never going to change the awful things that marked my life. Or that I'll never grasp who God is in my heart. If God doesn't heal my heart then things will never change. What if I always struggle with depression, negativity, and yelling? That thought leaves me a little immobile.
I want to be happy. I want to be free. I want my heart to be healed. I want to enjoy my kids more. I want to laugh more.
I just want my heart to be healed.
That sonship book is rocking my heart. I'm finally beginning to see that my heart is Broken. Truly Broken. the only way to heal my broken heart is to finally forgive all the travesties that have happened to me. I need to finally be a daughter to a God who can, and will, heal my heart if I only let him and seek Him.
I can't believe I've been a believer 14 years and I'm just discovering that my walk with God isn't Just about Jesus. Yes, Jesus is important because He is the SON and the ONLY pathway to God, his Father. But Jesus ALWAYS pointed Everyone Back to the Father. Not to himself. I'm realizing that I don't just want to be a Friend of Jesus. I want to be a daughter to the most high God. I want to REALLY experience sonship. I want to be able to call myself a daughter. I don't want to be an orphan.
It's a trip to think that our natural life should mirror our spiritual life. We have parents (or should), marriage, and friends. The relationship we have with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is the same. God should be our father, Jesus should be our husband, and the Holy Spirits role is to be our friend.
I've always prayed to the Father becasue that's what scripture tells us to do, but subconsciously I always replaced God with "Jesus". Or I simply thought of Jesus as God. Part of that problem could be the fact that I was apart of a denomination that believe Jesus was all three. I'm realizing how wrong I was. I wasn't just wrong, but that belief, or lack of belief, was sabotating the very freedom and relationship I was crying out for.
I decided to start reading my bible (I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the Olive Tree Bible Application) and highlight every verse that talked about God in purple. I'm floored!!! Has anyone else ever noticed how much Jesus talks about God?! How did I miss this?!
I came across John 5:22-23
"In addition, the Father jduges no one. Instead, he has given the son absolute authority to judge, so that everyone will honor the Son, just as they honor the Father. anyone who does not honor the Son is certainly not honoring the Father who sent him."
This verse stands out to me because I've always seen God as a Father, or dictator, ready to strike me with a stick when I sinned At one point, when I was in a cult, I was even told that God would strike me down because I operated in the spirit of Jezebel since I loved to minister more then I loved to submit.
Yet, this scripture clearly states that Jesus was given the absolute authority to judge. All this time I've seen God as a dictator who judges me and Failed me... when in reality He's the only one who has always Loved me. After all, God is love, right?
Ironically, because I've built a relationship and trust with Jesus, I don't believe He's failed me or wants to whack me with a stick. I believe Jesus loves me. I've actually mixed His role with the Holy Spirit.
I have a long way to go, but I'd like to think that it'll be shorter then I think once I submit myself to the Will of God. Some day I want to not only Call God "Father" with my mouth, but Live in a peaceful confidence knowledge that I AM a Daughter of God.
