Just to write

All I want to do is write.  I think about everything I want to say during the day, but once I get home all I want to do is veg.

But.  Not tonight.  I thought I'd try and get everything out of my head, through my fingers, and onto 'paper.'

I have cried a lot these last 2 months.  The shock of being dumb enough to put myself in a situation to be violated.  To discovered I was stalked, betrayed, and lied to ... God.  It was rough.  Truly Truly rough.

But.  I'm coming out of that dark painful hole.

I still struggle with the reality that there is no justice.  Jason will get away with everything he's done to me.  Knowing that challenges my faith.  It's made me question God's love.  It's made me question my value.  How could my father, and husband, let anyone DO that to someone if He loves me?

Yet, then I realize that He's the one who brought all of it to the light.  The truth wasn't pretty to look at, but now I finally have it.

I cling to this beautiful house like a corner stone.  I can't believe I am not only moving into a home, but a home I can afford with details of a lilac bush and a pom tree.  Only God would know the importance of that.

I read James and feel immense conviction.  My feelings of jealousy and betrayal aren't hurting Jason.  They are sinful and hurting Me.  I've found myself repenting for all of these feelings that have choked the life out of my beautiful smile.  Whenever I think of Jason's betrayal I find myself praying, out loud, "I forgive him.  I don't want to think about them." And then choose to redirect my thoughts.

And it's not that I want to be with Jason.  I don't.  It's the betrayal and rejection that hurts.

I have to wonder if the justice I want is actually going to come in the form of living a happy free life out of the grips of someone who never liked me.  Aren't I worth fighting for?  I know that I'm worth dying for because Christ died just for me so that I wouldn't be rejected or cast aside anymore.

I wouldn't have impacted certain lives if I hadn't broken out of that cult.  I woldn't know the friends that I know.  I wouldn't be moving into this house.  I wouldnt have a job at the city.

So.  I'm trying to forgive, move on, and look towards all that God has done instead of the memories of cruelty, hatred, and the ultimate betrayal.

True Pain

Man. I used to think I knew what pain was. Heck, I had quite a history with it. I could tell you I had known every form of abuse known to man. My testimony could bring tears to the eyes of strangers wondering anyone could survive what I survived.

That pain almost seems laughable. A drop in the bucket compared to the pain I've felt these last few weeks. Now I know what true mind numbing, heart wrenching, screaming sobs, painful betrayal really feels like.

And it's ugly. It's painful. It's scary. It's deeper than any ocean, wider than any crevice, and just flat ugly. I can't imagine any pain greater than this... yet I know it's possible. I know losing the death of a child can be deeper than screaming unabated, raging, griping pain. And, to whoever you are.... You have my deepest condolences. My deepest empathy. My deepest compassion. I ache just imagining what your heart, mind, and body must feel like. I don't know you, but I love you. With the deepest open love possible. I knew that Jason was in a cult. I knew that he was mean. I knew that he was cruel, but I never fathomed he could be capable of such heinous, conscious searing, choices. I knew that Ronnie Harris had some wacked out beliefs, but I never thought he'd support such repulsive choices. I always thought the good in those people would some how win over the evil. I never thought he could lie to my face. I never thought he could be capable of such hated. I never thought he would become an uglier version that his brother. That, alone, is a hard thing to attain. Yet, he has no sorrow. No apologies. He acts like he's a prophet of old exposing jezebel. He actually laughed at me about it. I feel so violated. I would rather endue the rape of my body than to experience this type of rape. It's heinous. It's evil. And this "Nara" woman. I'm told I can't hate her or blame her. Even though she openly pursued a married man. The sin lies soley on Jason because HE was the one I was in covenant with. I can't tell you the depth of betrayal knowing I was begging him like a dog for him to fight for us...and during that entire time he was with her. No wonder he didn't feel 'married' to me!!!!!! And then there's the kids. It is going to be the biggest challenge of my life to act unaffected by all of this. I made a big mistake today and unloaded on the kids after they got home from her house. Joshua actually cried. I did major damage control, repented, and fixed my mix up.... but I don't know how to continually handle hearing them sing her praises. Even tonight, as we sang our "love you song" we always come to a point where we list the people we love and Joshua listed that woman. No joke, I immediately started to cry because it hurt so bad. I choked the tears back and let them finish the song. How am I going to handle their wedding? And the fact that she's going to be their step mom. She will be at their weddings. They will be there together. Happy. Forever. That was supposed to be me. He was supposed to love me, chose me, and fight for me. And yet he's pursuing someone else and has been well before we were divorced. I just don't understand how Jason has gotten away with all he's done. Where is the justice? Doesn't God care that Jason has used HIS name to destroy a family and another human being? Doesn't he care? How can he say that Jesus is the son of God and yet have no conscious? It's the first time in my life that I don't like what the Bible says. I actually feel anger at the teachings of Jesus. I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to love my enemies. I don't want to pray for them. I just want them to hurt as much as I am. :( He seems so peaceful. So happy. Singing the tune that he stayed the course, trusted God, gave up his family, and just like Job God is restoring it ten fold with this woman. And, I'm not. I'm broken. Devestated. Hurting. Confused. Still. I just don't understand. So. I cry. I cry a lot. I keep turning to scripture trying to find answers to all this pain. Trying to trust He really will turn take beauty from ashes. Taking one moment. One step at a time hoping it's the right step. Crying out for discernment and healing. Begging for Justice. Begging for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I just don't understand how God is allowing Jason to get away with all he's done. It's not fair.

Realizations

I've had a lot of reality shifts these last few days.

I'm surprised how little I miss facebook.  I haven't wanted to go back.  I thought for sure, by now, that I would be itching to return.

I found out that Jason, and his 'source' have been stalking me for over a year.  Yup.  Stalking me.  Heck.  They still may be on this blog, but I am not going to shut myself down because there is someone evil out there.

Then, as I drove to get Jadon, these realizations hit me like a ton of bricks:

Jason abandoned me, cheated on me, lied to me, stalked me, and abused me mentally and spiritually.  Yet, he still calls himself a 'righteous man.'

Finding out what he, and his 'source', have been doing has made me feel raped all over again.  However, what they've done feels far worse than what happened to my body 2 weeks ago.  What they did was premeditated.  What they did violated my dignity, my privacy, and my personal space.  What's sick?  They did it with no qualms.  No convictions.  Only sickening 'righteousness.'

I feel a tremendous amount of hated.  I know that it's not healthy for me to feel.  I Will process it.  I Will Heal, but at this moment my hatred feels justified.  I have never wanted any person to ever exit my life as much as I want my ex husband to just LEAVE me alone.   I do not want him.  I do not want to see him.  It's a beautiful thing.  I have made a lot of mistakes in this path called life.  Truly, a lot of mistakes.  I feel like an utter fool for begging that man to choose me. To choose our family.

Yet.  I don't.  I did the right thing.  I fought for my marriage and now I'm gladly moving on.  I am so glad I'm not with a man who would do all that he's done to me.  Nara, his mom, and his brother can have him.

Speaking of moving on...

I had some beautiful moments with my kids these last few days.  Joshua had a GREAT week at school!  He got a smiley face every day!!  So I took him out for a date with mom on Friday.  He got his favorite slushie and then we went to Cornerstone for an eauclair.  Here's a photo:

My beautiful boy was so excited and appreciative.  It was a beautiful date.  I am so glad I'm his mommy!

Jadon and I had a date today.  We went shoe shopping and then he got his beloved slushie.  I regret that I didn't get a photo!  But, we had a good time!  He loves his new shoes.  They light up different colors.  He's so charming. I was surprised when he chose the peach mango slushie flavor.  So nasty, LOL!  We held hands and loved each other in that hour.

Prior to that I went to bible study.  We are doing a book about prayer.  I'm kind of bored with it so far, but the end looks good.  I can't wait to read more about praying the various names of God.  It also goes over the names/roles of the holy spirit.

After Jadon, I grocery shopped and heading home.  I bought a pork chop from kendalls and came home to fry up onions/peppers/zucchini.  Now I blog while my feet are up.  I feel relief to know that I no longer have a man in my life that thinks it's okay to do all the horrible things he's been capable of.

48 hours. Things change quickly.

It's amazing what can happen in 24 - 48 hours.

I discovered Jason is a liar, a cheater, and out to hurt me.  Not in a physical manner, but most definitely in a psychological and hateful manner.  He actually introduced our babies to another woman 2 years ago.  I didn't think anything of it when she bought them Christmas gifts 2 years in a row because the 'story' is that she as just a nice lady in his group.  The kids have even called her 'family' which I corrected and told them no one in his group is 'family.'  Everything started adding up these last few days by the kids behavior, the things they were saying, and when I confronted Jason.  I was ship wrecked.  Devastated.  He didn't just abandon me for a cult, but he abandoned me for a woman.  A pretty woman too.  A woman my age, in his group, who has two small kids.  They have actually integrated the kids together.  I have never, ever, known such painful betrayal.  I couldn't stop crying.  It was horrible.  I knew that he was going to date.  I knew that his group would find him a woman, but I never fathomed he'd sink so low as to do it when we were still very much married.  Now I know why he's been pushing for the divorce papers to be filed so urgently.  It isn't for closure, its' to finally move on with "Nara."

Then I find out he's sent someone to spy on my facebook.  They have been reporting to him, but what they reported wasn't the full truth.  It was lots of twisted truth.  Twisted truth he willingly believed.

Did he ever love me?  Ever respect me?  How could I be with someone for half my life that has become such a cold hearted, calculated, hateful, betrayer?  To not only see the worse in me, but WANT to make it come out?  How can anyone claim to know Jesus and do that?!

I just don't get it.  I can't fathom how to live with such horrendous betrayal.  I truly hate him.  How could anyone claim to love God, and be a christian, yet refuse to apologize or own any of his damage?  It baffles me.

He actually called my job today to accuse me of something that had no merit.  He, and his spy, were finally busted in the act.  I couldn't believe his audacity... and then he hangs up on ME.  I had to choose to stop shaking and focus on the job I love.  And, I did.  I not only did that, but I got out of bed when all I wanted to do is wallow in my depression.  I chose to put a smile on my face until it felt less fake.  I chose to get my kids ready and stay calm even when Jadon pushed every button with his attitudes.  I chose to disconnect an avenue that no longer held growth for me.

I don't know.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of people walking out of my life so easily.  I wish I didn't fear the future.  I have to cling to hope like a life line.  All I want to do is be productive at my job.  To love my kids and to be loved by a man for the rest of my life.  I'm seriously starting to doubt if there are any good guys left.

But, I do know something.  I am done with joint birthday parties.  I am done with open communication.  He can call the teachers to ask about parent teacher conferences.  I'll call him for emergencies, but that's it.  I am so ready to move forward without his influence, in any way, with my life.  I'm done with his hatred, coldness, and lack of love.  He can sleep with his evilness and I'll sleep with mine.

Some day.  Some how.  God has to judge what he's done to me... right?  That's what scripture states and scripture doesn't lie.

And now I must find hope, because right now I don't see much.  I'm going to find ways to not be lonely.  I'm going to continue to be the best mom I can be, make friends, do a good job at my work, and try to lose weight again.

I want to thank the people who understood my rage, told me they were sorry for the pain I felt, and loved me through it without thinking I needed nothing but tough love.  Clearly, my kids will always come first.  I want to thank Laura who was at my house when a bogus police welfare check was sent to my home.  Who brought ice cream and held me in her arms while I sobbed.  For my friend Dennis who has been through a painful divorce, hugged me, listened, and then gave me truth in a way I could hear.

I can't believe he left me for a cult and betrayed me for a woman.  He never once fought for me because he didn't want me.  He never did.  I just wish she wasn't so pretty.

He is a true piece of work and I do not see God in him at all.

Finding my voice

I feel like I've lost so much.  I've lost my path, my dignity, my heart, my tears, my pride, but tonight I realized the greatest loss of all has been my voice. I'm not sure when I lost it.  I think I lost it in pieces.  I lost it when I found out someone I trusted was talking behind my back.  I think I lost when I I started making bad choices and felt like I had to hide them.  I think I lost my voice when my shame and pain became louder than my truth.  I think I lost my voice when I got tired of feeling like I had to hide.

But, tonight, I realized that I'm tired of hiding.  I'm tired of feeling like I lost a piece of who I am.  Not only by the choices that I've made, but mainly by the fact that I'm afraid to talk.

I was date raped.

I haven't pressed charges because I can't handle the legalities, the charges, the court, my responsibility in the disaster, or the fact that it'll be on paper forever.  I have talked to the police.  I have eliminated this person from my life.  But, it happened.  The flashbacks suck.  It's forever changed who I am.  I thought he was my friend and trustworthy, but all he wanted was what he wanted.

I can't tell you what it's done to me to realize I put myself in that situation.  Does that make it my fault?  I said, "no."  I said, "no" many times.  What's most shocking and terrifying?   I didn't fight him.  I didn't push him off of me.  I didn't run.  I just said, "no", and laid there in shock, covering my eyess as tightly as I could, wishing for it to be over.  And once it was over I curled up in a fetal position and sobbed like my very life was over.  And his response?  He told me not to cry.  That he did it 'for me'.  I had enough rage and words to tell him that it had nothing to do with me, but him.  Some how I managed to get my clothes on and drive home.  I don't know how I made it home.  I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe.  I shook from the inside out for 2 days straight.  I sobbed like I've never sobbed before.  Did I mention the shaking?  I was too afraid to tell anyone, but to the VERY few I told I always found myself cringing and sinking into the couch ... as if I just shrunk any lower that the memory would feel less sickening.  Maybe if I shrunk lower then the memory would feel more far away.  But, the memories didn't go away.  However, the shaking did diminish with time.

The biggest thing have been the questions.   Did I deserve it?  I said no, but I was also at his place.  Yes, I just brought him medicine, but when he asked me to come in I should have said no.  But, I was upset about prior bad choices I had made.  He promised me nothing would happen.  That he just wanted to be there for me.  He talked such a good game.  Even insisted on holding me while I sobbed, but truly he just wanted what he wanted.  And, he got it.  He took it.

I have talked to my counselor about this.  I told him every detail... almost begging him to tell me it really was my fault.  How could it be rape when it wasn't violent? Shouldn't rape be violent?  I said no, but my body responded... so does that mean I wanted what he did?  Do I deserve this because I was in his house?  Do I deserve this because I went 2 months being a little crazy, losing myself in dancing, 2 guys, and occasional drinks?  I fell hard for a guy who prayed every night with me, made me laugh, and introduced me to experiences and feelings I only dreamed were possible.  Once he walked out of my life, in such a painful way, I couldn't seem to close the pandora's box that he opened.  I felt cheated out of 'fun' since I had always been 'the good girl.'  Did that mean I deserved to be violated so badly?

The answer is, "NO."  I did not deserve that.  I said No.  But he chose to ignore my, "no" and take what he wanted.

So now what?  Seriously.  Now what?  I've lost so much.  I've lost the respect of my mentor.  I lost my own respect.  I lost myself.  I lost my voice.  I lost my dignity.  I may lose more after some read this, but I'm tired of hiding.

But you know what I didn't lose?  The love of my Father.  I didn't lose the love of my kids.  I didn't lose the love of my friends.  I didn't lose my life.  I didn't lose my bible.  I didn't lose the acceptance, and intercession, of my Jesus.  I didn't lose the Holy Spirit who is my best friend and my counselor.  I didn't lose my home that I have personalized.  I didn't lose a job that I love.  I didn't lose my heart that still wants to honor God.  I am still alive.  There has to be hope in that.

Want to know what else is amazing?  How quickly God has redeemed so much within me.  I have read the bible stories of the woman at the well, of the woman who was going to be stoned for adultry, and how Mary washed Jesus' feet with oils.  I read them all, but they didn't mean much to me.  They were just stories.  They weren't personalized... but they sure are now.  I can only imagine how the woman at the well felt when she simply went for water, but this man told her how many men she had slept with.  I can imagine he must have told her with such deep compassion in his eyes.  He stated the simple truth of her sin, but his love encompassed her.  Not his judgement.

Or how about the woman who had been caught having sex with a married man?!  My God.  Can you imagine the same.  The shock.  The mind numbing fear she faced as she was brought before men who were going to stone her to death.  Stoning was no joke.  It was painful.  It was slow.  Yet, Jesus took her by the hand and wrote words in the sand that caused all of the judging hateful men to turn around and go home.  And then he said simple words... "Go and sin no more."  He forgave her.  He saved her.  Her life.  Her body.  Her Soul.

And Mary.  The fortune she poured on Jesus' feet just to honor him.  To wash him.  To show her appreciation for the depth of hell He saved her from.  The hope she had when, prior to that, she must have hated herself as much as I have.  She humbled herself and used her very own hair to anoint the king of Kings.  The son of God.  She did that before the most judgmental hateful men alive.  The sanhedrin.  The pharisees whose pride knew no bounds.  Could I have had the courage, and heart, to do that?  To face even more judgment than I had already lived with?  Yet, she didn't care.  Her gratitude for being saved... her gratitude for having hope was far greater than any judgement she'd face.

I have repented before God in the deepest recesses of my soul.  I have wept and shook as the bible became real for me in a way it's never been before.  I messed up.  I messed up bad.  Yet, His love never left me.  He's forgiven me.  He's still talking to me and prompting me to do things differently.  He sent me a new friend.  He sent me a job that I love.  A busy job that pays my bills, has opened new doors, and keeps me super busy.  Just last night I knew that I needed to go to church so I made sure to go to the early service since I was working the 10am.  When I walked in I ran into a lady who has always been a cheerleader for me.  She hugged me tight, told me how beautiful I looked, and then told me she's been praying for me.  I choked up and held her tight.  Because, no one knows what I've faced.  She certainly didn't.  As she held me I saw her angel necklace and touched it.  She looked at me and said, "Do you need an angel?"  And then took it off of her neck and GAVE ME her Necklace.  I cried.  I insisted she didn't need to do that, but she said it was mine.  She wanted me to have an angel to know that I am never alone.  Only the closest people in my life know the deep meaning of that.  God was reminding me of my vision.  Reminding me that I'm not alone.  I'm thankful I finally started the lose the disgusting pride I carried at only being with 'one' man.  I am pretty sure that pride is what helped set up my swift fall.

And then the service.  It was all about our stories.  How we need to stop using our stories as a depressing crutch.  Instead, to use our stories as a threshold to push past because God has a plan for our lives.  To create a new spirit within me.  It was phenomenal.  I went up for prayer afterwards.  I told him that I went through a divorce.  He looked at me with such wisdom, love, and compassion and gave me tips to get through this.  And, then he prayed such a beautiful prayer.

So.  Here's my voice.  I was so lost, but now I'm found.  I was blind, but now I see.

God sent His son for the stupid.  God sent His son for the violated.  God sent His son for the prideful.  God sent his son for the hurting.  Jesus came and his blood washed all that away.

Now I just have to figure out how to live with the consequences of my choices and the consequences of others.

"Forgive me"

About six months ago I found a song that communicates exactly how I feel.  It's called "forgive me" by Group 1 Crew. 

Here's the song on youtube:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PDKCFVcKnc

The chorus doesn't mean much to me, but everything else screams out the ache I feel.  I have moments that are bright, but I wonder if all this heaviness will ever get better.  The more I try to seek God the farther He feels.  I wonder when this dryness and lack of vision will end and my happiness will begin.  I've called out for help in a multitude of ways, but the same problems persist.  I still feel like I'm standing alone waiting for someone to have discernment to hear me and help me.  And Boy.  I truly feel like anger was the price that was paid as my dreams fade away.

I don't pray that the Lord will take me home.  Well, I take that back, I have in the past when the lies of suicide screamed loudly at me.  Now I pray for the Lord to help me experience His kingdom on this earth as he promises. I want to experience the kingdom on earth - His peace.  His Love.  Lives being Changed.  Truth.  The Prophetic.  Healing.  I know  His plan was for all of us to experience this HERE - Not just in Heaven.

Yet, I have been running from the throne for a long time.  Isn't it 'funny' that we can be angry and bitter with the very Creator we were born to KNOW?

I realized, as I drove to a new church last night, that the abuse I went through in LJM is still real for me. I was experiencing intense anxieties, my stomach literally Hurt, and my head was swimming.  I was scared of the unknown.  I had to literally speak out loud to myself that I could always leave, that my kids would be safe, and that no one would hurt me.  I actually had a very nice time and plan on going back.  But, that experience made me realize that 11 years later I'm still wounded.  I didn't realize that at all... at least not in that regard.

These last lyrics really permeate with me:

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
~
That's EXACTLY How I feel.  I know that life without Christ is not the answer. I know that my only hope is God.  But, I do ache over all that has gone wrong.  Being trapped in a town I hate.  My life is full of anger and disappointment.  There are many reasons, but a big one is that my dad and mom treated me weaker than the other kids.  It is annoying and I do feel for the other orphans out there - whether natural or spiritual.  I do feel stuck and i know that many others do - in and out of the church.  I am so ready to be in a place in my life where there is no more crying.  I so want to experience the fatherhood of God and find security in his arms on this earth. I want to finally grasp His Love for me and find rest for my soul.

I dont' understand why I've struggled my life.  Why I still struggle, but I know there Has to be More that this life that I know.  But, I'm still fighting to never give up and find strength in God's love... Because His word Promises He'll see me through.

I just want to stop feeling so lost.



"Forgive Me"

Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

[Chorus:]
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

Be Thankful

Last week my faithful husband suggested I read Colossians.  It took me a few days, but I am.  I can't get past this:

Col 3: 12-17

¹² Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  
¹³ Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 
¹⁴ Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 
¹⁵ And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
¹⁶ Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. ¹⁷ And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

There is a lot of GOOD meat in these verses, but the two things that stand out to me is that God wants me to make allowances for peoples faults, to forgive like Christ forgave me, to clothe myself in love, and live in harmony.  In that, live in peace and always be thankful.  Then it tells me to sing songs to God with a thankful heart.

It's been an extremely stressful 1.5 weeks with sickness.  Well, it's been stressful for a long time.  But being trapped in a house for almost two weeks is rough.  However, these last two days, all I hear is the Holy Spirit telling me to, "Be Thankful in Everything."  I also need to keep remembering to make allowances for other peoples faults.  That thought is so key for me.

So, here I go... I am going to list things I'm thankful for.

1. Jadon is the Best Sick kid I've ever met.  I'm so thankful.  I would have cleaned up his puke without a second thought, but I am SO THANKFUL that he would only be sick in the toilet.  Both ends!  He has been independant, but also quick to ask me for help or snuggles.

2. Benjamin.  That little turkey is a blessing.  I'm amazed at how much he wants to be helpful.  Yesterday Jason was looking all over for the sandals he had just been wearing.  He couldn't find them!  He had the thought to ask Ben where they were.  Ben led him into their bedroom.  He had put his dad shoes up with their shoes.  It was cute.

3. We have a warm home.  We have beds and sheets for all of us. Food to fill our bellies.  Cold and warm water to clean our dishes.  A washing machine/dryer to wash our clothes.  A beautiful Christmas tree with ornaments full of memories.

4.  All of my kids take medicine very well.

5. I really like losing weight.  I think my 14's are big on me now.

6. God has never given up on me.  He sees my heart even when I'm trapped in the darkness of depression and, what feels like, a form of insanity as I juggle my anxieties.

7. Ronnie and Kim have really been great.  He's been a blessing to our family and household.

8.  A dog who is learning to snuggle with the boys.

9.  A vacation that's 2 weeks away!  I get to see people I love!  (Please, Lord, don't let sickness deter that.)

10. God has chosen life for me even when my depression, and lies of the enemy, would have chosen death (whether in body, mind, or spirit.)  I don't understand my purpose in this earth, but I clearly have one.

11. Jason.  He's a gift.  He's shown me the Love of God in a way I could never fathom.  He serves me.  He serves our children.  He serves his job.  He serves the household.  He tries, with all his might, to always do the right thing in God's eyes.  He loves me even when I'm not lovable.

12.  Our van is running.  A door may be broken (boo), but the other one isn't.

13.  I'm thankful for nature.  I can't wait to see it in TWO WEEKS!!!!

14. All 3 boys have napped so well during the last 2 weeks of sickness. 

15. Our boys are all healthy in mind and usually in body.

16. Joshua has been stretching us so much lately with attitudes.  I have moments I wonder if we can ever reach him.  Then, I have moments like today, when he was laying on the couch about to take a nap when he gave me a heart felt apology for his earlier behavior.  It gives me hope all of us will get past this hard season with open hearts.

17. I like peoples court. :)