It all seems so big - a bit raw

Before anyone reads this, and I articulate what I'm feeling, I want to make sure I tell you (and myself) that I know, logically, everything will work out.  I'm trying hard to stay logical and faithful in the Lord who gave us this new miracle coming into the world.  Not to mention Jadon and Joshua!
That said ...

I'm scared.  It's odd.  The higher my weeks climb the more thankful I am.  I'm thankful I'm only on moderate bedrest.  Thankful I haven't been in the hospital several times due to contractions.  Yet, the higher my weeks climb (35 today) my anxieties are also climbing. 

The kids are at an age where they test everything.  It feels like I'm failing at this parenting thing more then succeeding.  I try so hard to talk to them patiently and calmly, but they just don't listen.  They only listen when we yell, but then they also look wounded!  It's not just me, but Jason who is struggling.  (Which ironically makes me feel better because it's not just me ... but then also worse because the kids are getting it from both of us.)

It's not just the yelling, but after they refuse to listen/keep it all up I've had moments where I snap and start screaming.  I tell myself to not let that be an option, but my frustration seems to be winning out more then that refusal.   I just want to crawl into a hole and give them to someone else to raise who won't do that to them.  I do NOT want to be my mother.  I don't.  I realize that I'm not in many ways, but I see her trained tendencies starting to come out of me and it flat terrifies me.

I even hear her in myself when I tell Jadon that nothing makes him happy.  I can spend hours snuggling, playing, interacting, and it's all just never good enough.  It just makes them both want more, but at that point I have nothing left to give.

I remember my mom telling me that and thinking, "I just want you to play with me, mom."

Yesterday I lost my temper with Joshua after trying hard all morning to be calm and communicative.  All he wanted to do was scream about stuff (probably our fault because he thinks that's how you get people to listen), push his brother, fight over toys, and he even bit him.  I ended up putting us both in time out (he in his bedroom), Jadon on one end of the couch, and me on the other.  We were supposed to be at MIL's, but that place is a treat so I let him be alone in his room.  I sobbed all the way to Hobbs just feeling like I can't do this parenting thing in a healthy way.  I have a few core fears ... abandonment (due to a wonderful absentee father and icky men) and that I'll be my mother.  Yesterday I just wanted to drop them off at MIL's and go off into the distance.  Let Jason find a woman who can raise them better.  Obviously, that was totally irrational, but it's how I felt.


Then there's the amount of tv they watch.  It's a lot... a lot.  It's all educational (outside of some max and ruby), but I know they are learning more from tv then from me. 

Then there's the interactions.  I know both need more, and I do too, but getting out there is hard.  It has to be kid friendly wherever we go and I'm tired of feeling burned.  Not to mention I'm so tired and sore all the time.  Getting motivated to do anything is difficult!  I try, but I know I should try more.
As time creeps up there's the thought of delivery.  I haven't had good deliveries.  Joshua's was terrible.  I had no female support, ended up with a full blown panic attack once I got the epidural, epidural wore off around a 9 and I labored horrendously with pitocin.  Jason did the best he could, but he's a guy and doesn't know how to be in that type of role.  When my beautiful Joshua was born all i could do was moan how bad I hurt.  I can't even let him watch his video of his birth because I think it would be traumatizing for him to see.  I don't want to go through that again.

Then there's the sleep.  Moving Joshua into a bunk bed seemed exciting (and necessary), but now I regret it.  Naptime has become horrendous because all they do is play and won't nap.  They need naps.  I need a nap.  They are both tired, but playing is more fun.  If they don't nap the rest of the afternoon is terrible.  Joshua used to sleep in until 8am.  Jadon would get up around 6:30, but that was easy because he's Jadon.  Jadon has been having 5:30am mornings too.  I used to just send him back to his room, but if I do that he wakes up Joshua.  Now Joshua wakes up with him which means my day starts so much earlier.  I wonder how I'm going to work this when I have a baby who is up a lot to nurse.  Right now they stay in our room and watch some cartoons as we all wake up, but I can't do that when I need to keep a baby asleep.  Benjamin will be in our room/cosleeping/in the cosleeper.

Then there's all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, learning, nurturing, and loving the three of them will need from me.

I'm scared I just don't have it in me to be all the things the boys, Jason, and this house need from me.

I need to make the time to read my bible and get re-centered on His promises, Truth, and Grace.  I know that'll help me so much.  I'm not sure why I haven't done it.  I think, sometimes, it feels like that's just one more thing I have to do and I'd rather veg in front of the tv or snuggle with Jason at night.  I realize how counter productive that is, but I'm in the mood for raw truth so there you have it. 

I'm 35 weeks today with my third child.  I pray, pray, pray, my kids will grow up feeling nurtured, loved, taught, and won't need much counseling.

Perspective

I find it amazing how much perspective affects every area of your life.  It affects the way you see God in/around you, how you interact with people, your kids, your husband, and your friends.  Perspective also, deeply, affects the way you see everything else around you.

A few months ago I would have been anxious and slightly devestated to find out Jason was moving to night shift.  I couldn't sleep easily with him gone and my anxieties were high.  I was scared to be alone.  My mind would run crazy worrying over what could happen at home or at his job.  I just didn't feel safe. Then he got the transport job... and that changed everything.

He would be forced to get up at 12:30am, be to work by 1:30am, and return anywhere from 16 to 24 hours later.  10 of those hours would be driving back and forth through the mountains.  Half the time he'd get home around 9pm and be forced to get up at 12:30pm.  The hours were terrible, but when you mixed in the winter roads it became down right frightening.  I'd wake up throughout the night speaking in tongues and praying for his safety.  I believe those prayers kept him safe (I have specific instances I could name), but when the other team had that terrible accident that was 'it' for me.  That could have easily been him!

Shortly there after I started having really intense and painful contractions at 30 weeks.  I wasn't completely shocked they happened because with both of my prior pregnancies I ended up on bedrest at 31 weeks.  My body just seemed to go into labor around that time.  However, this time it was a mixed bag of blessings and fear.  Having contractions that early forced him to leave the transport team.  He told them that he could no longer leave Lea County.  (He had turned in his resignation 2 months prior, but stayed there waiting for his replacement that never seemed to come.)  If the contractions hadn't started he'd still be working that scary job.  Thankfully, the contractions have eased up/stopped, but I believe that's due to lack of stress, prayers, and the fact that I'm taking it easy.

Jason is now working night shift.  Last night was his first night.  I was amazed, and blessed, that I had no anxieties.  I actually passed out and slept so deep that I didn't even have my leg pillow.  He had to pull an 18 hour shift and will only get 4 hours of sleep before he has to return to work, but we're both telling ourself at least he only has to drive five minutes vs. 10 plus hours.  Without experiencing the transport job I would think his hours/position was a horrible thing, but now I'm just thankful.  I'm so thankful to no longer be afraid for his life.  I'm thankful to know he has officers who will always have his back.  I'm thankful he's only 5 minutes away and able to work such hard/long hours for his family.  I'm thankful the extra hours make our financial life a little easier.

Also, there's Christmas.  Jason has to work Saturday - Monday night one week and Saturday - Tuesday night the next week.  Christmas falls on Sunday this year.  That means he'll have to go to sleep around by 2:30pm on Christmas eve, sleep till 9, and then work until 10:30am.  Normally I would feel depressed, tons of self pity, and frustration that I couldn't have Christmas the way I dream it to be ... spend Christmas eve with his family and then open our gifts early Christmas morning.  However, after experiencing fearing for his life so much, now I can look at Christmas differently.  We'll have to move everything back a day and I'm really okay with that.  We'll have to do Christmas eve on the 23rd with his family and do our Christmas on the morning of the 24th.  The kids are so young they won't know the difference.  Yes, I'm going to be lonely on Christmas, but I can visit Carol or friends if I want to.
Onto my pregnancy...

Today marks 31/6!  I was put on bedrest with my first 2 on 31/5.  This marks a huge milestone for me.  This marks so many prayers that have gone up on my behalf and the fact that I'm officially pregnant and off bedrest longer then I have with my other pregnancies.  My dr. estimates (loosely) that I'll deliver around 36 or 37 weeks.  Of course, it would be nicer to go later, but that's what I had already figured.  I've been praying to deliver a baby that will breath on his own and be able to nurse without a problem. 

Actually, there are a few specific things I prayed for the moment I found out I was pregnant and it looks like the Lord is already meeting those needs (or letting me know He will.)

1. That he'd put a mother figure or amazing nurse to be with me during my delivery.  I didn't have much female support with Joshua and that experience wasn't pleasant.  I don't want to go through that again.  I want/NEED a woman who will pray with me, encouragement, and press me when I need it.  Ironically, the Lord may have opened that door through an amazing woman/nurse I met with my first pregnancy.  She was amazing.  Just amazing.  When Jadon was unable to breathe on his own (and I couldn't see him) she went out of her way to bring me photos of my baby throughout the night when that was no longer her station to do so.  Afterwards, we followed each other on facebook and ran into one another in walmart a bit.  After Jadon she left the maternity ward to do ER.  WELL, I recently found out she's BACK in the Maternity ward and has told me she WANTS to be there for this baby!  I'm praying that works out.  To have her support would truly be an earnest prayer answered.  Jason is great, but he sucks in the emotional support/keep my anxieties low department.  haha

2. That my baby will be born full term and no bedrest.  I've had contractions, but thankfully they aren't changing my cervix.  I'm not on bedrest.  I hit 32 weeks on Tuesday!

3. That the Lord would meet the financial/space needs for a third.  So far the space needs haven't changed, but that hasn't becoem a necessity yet since he'll be with us in our room for a while.  But, the Lord opened a miraculous door for us to get an AMAZING mini van (that we NEED), opened the door to find an amazing church family, made a way for us to get bunk beds for the boys, i'm making friends for support, and my church family is hosting a baby shower that will help us so much with diapers and basic necessities.  Plus, newer hand me down clothes from friends!

I can see God's hand in all of that and I'm thankful.  I could list several instances  where I know the Lord used others to do things/say things to show me He's in control of everything.  It assures me that He's in control.  This pregnancy wasn't in our timing, but it WAS in His.  That gives me so much comfort.


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This morning Pastor Ty made a comment that I've been meditating on all day.  He said that, "We must fall in love with peace more then the need to be right."

That was so powerful for me.  I've lost count how many times I've gotten into an argument with Jason because I thought I was right.  I didn't care about how that fight would destroy the peace in our home.  I also see how that's happened with friendships in my life too.... or even people I don't like.

I really feel challenged to love peace more then my need to be right.  I believe God honors that as well.

The boys and I are starting to fit into cowboy church.  This was the first morning I really felt apart of the church.  No one has misstreated me or anything, but this morning a lot of women smiled at me and recognized me.  (And I to them as well.)  I didn't feel like a stranger visiting.  I'm looking forward to the day I can 'do' more, but I'm thankful that people are feeling some kind of connection with me in what I can do right now.


And then there's the kids.... Jason and I are really in the trenches figuring out how to teach, discipline, and love the right way.  Some days are so much harder then others! lol

Their Development!

I was sitting here thinking about how much our boys are growing when I decided to blog about it.


Joshua:
He has always been a child who is hands on.  He walked at 9 months, ran shortly there after, and is already talking clearly.  I knew, when I was pregnant with him, that he was going to be my 'football player'.  More stought and hands on.  It was just something I felt the Lord telling me.  I was right!

His vocabulary impresses me.  He says "grandma" in a way I can't repeat.  It's just him.  He tells you, very clearly, if he doesn't want something.  "I don wan it."  It's adorable when we go to the park.  He'll be swinging and start calling for his brother, "JAnin" to watch him swing.  He loves trains.  I need to record him saying, "choo choo" before he changes. 

He's also a big snuggler... especially when he's tired.  I love that he'll crawl up in our lap just to sit with us.  Of course, it won't last long, but he does it frequently.  He also loves to be tucked in.  Whenever he goes to bed, or just wants to snuggle watching tv, he'll say, "co up" for "cover up.

Today mom (mil) treated us to La Fiesta.  It's a delicious mexican restaurant.  She wanted to go, but also it was important for her to get something for Jason to ahve when he got home.  (she's amazing.)  The boys LOVE their quacamole.  I usually mix it with rice, tomatoes, etc.  I coudln't figure out why Joshy wouldn't eat it.  Then I noticed he had his own fork and was trying to scoop it himself... so I gave him a small bowl.  He went to town!  And, he did a pretty good job of it!  He's become a quick learner with utencils!  We had mac and cheese/tuna or dinner.  he REFUSED to eat ... until I handed him a spoon and small bowl.  I had to refill that bowl three times! 

Bath time... Jadon has always loved bath time, but Joshua is our little sea horse!  Tonight he actually laid down, on his back, with his ears under the water, and swooshed around.  Jadon still wont' do that!  I couldn't believe it!  Then he kept dipping his head under the water.  He's going to be a great swimmer some day!

Joshy is also a pretty good listener.  He brings me remotes, hair clips, and other things that he knows are mine.  And, he loves Veggie Tales!



Jadon:
Our Jadon is such a beautiful, sweet hearted, stubborn, willful, eager little boy.  I always call him my little shepherd or pastor.  He really cares about all the details of everything.  He isn't content unless all of his toys/shapes/colors/items are in order.  I truly believe he'll carry that beautiful gift into the people in his life as he grows.

He's also become quite a tattle tale.  I must admit I sure appreciate it a lot of the time!  He's my eyes and ears.  He's saved a lot of stuff from NOT happening with Joshua. haha

The other day Joshua was running around with a child's spoon.  I didn't realize it.  Jadon came running out of the room, opened the utencil drawer, put the spoon way, closed it, and ran back to the bedroom.

He's such a big helper too!  He throws things away that need to be thrown away.  He'll eagerly get things if I'm busy.  He says such cute things like, "Don't worry about Jadon; just worry about yourself." haha

He wants to learn his letters.  I really need to sit with him and do that.  He's already asking to go to school!  He's taught his brother to count to 3 and also some of his colors.

I'm just so blessed to have them in my life!

Life!

It's chilly this morning and I LOVE it!  I can't tell you how glad I am that summer is over.  We're desperate for rain or snow to replenish the water levels.  The drought and heat index was unreal this year.  Just unreal!

I love everything about fall and winter.  The cold can get a little old, but I love the warmer clothes, snuggling in warm blankets, the smells, the holidays, baking goods, and the fact that it's not 100 plus degrees! hehe

Today is laundry day.  I'm so thankful to have a washer and dryer!  It seems the laundry never ends and I wonder just how much this third one is going to add to the mix.  I'm excited to go through my preemie/newborn clothes today and put them up in the dresser.  Is it a bad thing that i'm relieved I didnt' save as much as I thought?  It'll be nice to get him a few new things.  It's definitely going to be colder when he's born so I'd like to get some warm pj's for him.

Yesterday was a sad, but beautiful day for me.  We got all our Christmas stuff out.  However, when I opened the tubs I discovered a horrendous sight.  One tub got water in it and everything molded.  I was able to salvage somethings, but most of that ended up thrown away.  Then I discovered a few special ornaments had shattered ... but the worst of it was discovering my christmas village destroyed. I didn't have many pieces, but what I did have was very very special to me.  I've had them for years.  The beautiful nativity snow globe my aunt got me has a little damage, but nothing I can't hide (thank God.)  So, out of all my precious pieces, only 2 were saved.  I cried a lot.  I mean really sobbed.  First my glasses and ring vanished and now my christmas stuff was gone!  I felt like I was being punished some how.  Ultimately it was my fault for not packing it properly - as ultimately I made my glasses and beloved ring accessible to the kids - and now it was all gone.  I was crushed emotionally.

Thankfully, Jason took the boys into the bedroom to watch cartoons to let me grieve and figure out what to do.  I lost all Christmas spirit at that moment.  I just kept telling myself to, "get a hold of yourself" and eventually I did.  I packed it up all in trash bags and Jason took it out.  Shortly thereafter the trash came.  I was relieved to have it all gone once I committed to the reality.

Jason and I have had a lot of learning experiences through the ten years we've known each other.  Yesterday showed me just how much my husband loves and understands me.  He was so compassionate, understanding, loving, helpful, and generous.  He let me cry and when the kids took their nap he pulled me aside and told me he was sorry.  He brought up the fact that they were all bought pre-kids and that maybe we should see this as a time to start with our kids.  We went to Hobby Lobby and found the NEATEST bookstore christmas village building and it was HALF off.  Then, at walmart, I found a BEAUTIFUL steeple christmas village building.  It has stained glass windows and everything.  That was inexpensive too.  He saw that I liked them, grabbed it, and also grabbed 3 threes and 2 lamp stands to enhance it (I never bought anything to 'enhance' my small old christmas village).  We came home from a long day in Hobbs (we were all tired... the kids were up by six am), we put the kids to bed, he motivated me to clean, and then organized my new start of a christmas village where I wanted it.  I felt very loved and grateful to have a man to work with me out of his love for me.  It really is a special gift to have that.

On that note, we're also done with our Christmas shopping for the boys!  We'll get a few odds and ends for their stockings, but we're done.  I was so overwhelmed, and impressed, with Kmarts toy selection.  They really have the best toys!  Walmart can't compete.  We're also done with my MIL as well.  I just need to figure out what I can do for Jason.  I want to do something, even if it's small.  We aren't going to do Christmas cards this year, but we are going to print out pictures for family members from our recent shoot.  That'll be their gift and something they can frame.

Listening to that wind confirms that today is going to be a lazy day.  Now I just need to try and keep the house looking as nice as it does today. hahaha 

Oh, and it's LASAGNA day!  Everyone loves Tammie's lasagna.

Happy Saturday, Everyone!

Missing Items/Bad thinking

I have searched HIGH and LOW for my glasses and now favorite, irreplacable, ring. 
I've come to the point where I'm considering one of the kids must have taken both items, but that doesn't make much sense to me because Jadon has hit his PRIME in informing me (well, the whole neighborhood) if his brother is doing/saying/playing/thinking anything he shouldn't do.  Jadon Knows what items are mommy's and he'd quickly tell me if his brother had an item... especially a ring and glasses.

I just don't get it.  The ring I wear WITH my pink ring was in the jewelry box so why isn't the pink ring?  I never take one ring off and not the other.  I've looked in that box several times (even had Jason look in case I've lost my marbles), searched drawers, crannies, under bed, inbetween the bed, inside/outside the couch, etc.  I'm so baffled. I can't figure out where they've gone. I've searched every place I can fathom. Even the nasty, revolting, disgusting trashcan TWICE.    My tall jewelry box is in my closet that has a childs lock on it!  Mind you, sometimes I forget to close it, but my kids like to take things in two's ... i can't imagine Joshua would stop at one ring and not grab another.

I get that I'm pregnant and truly scatterbrained, but this still doesn't make sense to me.  I told Jason that I don't deserve another piece of jewelry if I lost that ring.  It wasn't a cheap gift.  It was actually made my hand with a beautiful pink moon stone.  I can't replace it.  Ultimately it's my fault.  I either put it someplace I shouldn't or made it available for the kids to grab.  I'm past the crying point, but now I'm just mad.  How could I missplace it?  If a kid took it, WHERE IS IT?!?!

It's the same thing with my glasses! They just VANISHED too. I just keep praying the Lord would show me where they are, but so far nothing. No inklings or thoughts that lead me there.

I've made some really poor choices lately and I can't help but go to that old place of, "maybe this is some form of punishment."  We haven't spent our money as wisely as we should, my walk isn't where it should be, my thoughts/mind/mouth aren't where they should be - truly making conscious choices I know are wrong, but still do it.  Maybe I deserve to lose these things.  Then that old rejection from being brutally abandoned and rejected when I was young makes me feel like things/people just never stay in my life.  That there's something wrong with me that pushes people - and even things - away.

Jason HATES it when I go there.  I try not to, but it is something that has haunted me ever since I was a small child.  He sighs in pure exasperation and asks me how I can think God would ever work that way. 

So, yeah, I'm in a battle.  I put on my pandora worship music to try and clear the fog in my head when those voices get too loud and I start to feel the depression trying to claw it's way in. 

Then, yesterday, as I fought depression over all this stuff, I was using the ladies room and I broke the toilet seat.  BROKE IT.  The bolts (or whatever it is back there) just snapped when I twisted slightly.  I already felt so terrible for possibly losing this stuff, but then to break a toilet seat?!  That's rough on any one, but especially a pregnant woman in her third trimester that feels wider then the ocean blue.  Logically I understand it's the toilet seats fault, but it's still a very cruel thing to happen to a pregnant woman! lol  I sat there crying as Jason ran in to see what happened.  (I almost fell in the toilet seat.)  All i could cry was, "Am I really that fat to break a seat?!"

So, now I go to pick up all the toys and see if maybe I can find my missing items.  I'm not sure if I'm relieved or bummed it wasn't in the revolting trash.

Bath Time

Is there anyone else out there who dreads bath time?  It used to be such a fun serene time where the boys would hang out until their little digits turned all pruney.  However, now it's turned into the time where they love to make the biggest wet mess they can!  I feel guilty because they laugh with such glee, but it's not conducive for the walls, carpet, or floor boards.  I've gotten to the point where I put them in the bathtub, put the plug in, wash them with the shower head, and then whatever water accrued they can hang out.... that is until they start getting it out of the bathtub.  That doesn't take long.

Tonight Joshua got a hold of the shower head and sprayed it in Jadon's face.  I expected him to freak out, but he laughed with pure glee.  Both laughed with pure glee!  Joshua loved doing it and Jadon thought it was the funniest thing.  I let them do that until that went out of the bathtub too.

I want my kids to have happy bath time memories, but not if it means ruining or drenching the outside of the bathtub.    I know they want to celebrate their naked independance ... am I wrong to restrict and dread it?

I'm Back!

I'm wondering if everyone can read this?