"Wearing Disappointment"

This morning I chose to go to church.  I was mildly excited because all of my boys were healthy enough to be at church!  It was hard listening to the kids ask Jason if he was going with us.  We actually got into, yet, another disagreement about it.  It's so hard to honor his strong convictions about his dislike of the 'institution" of a church.  He's most definitely a believer, but he doesn't believe churches are what they are supposed to be.  For years I let that stop me from going to church, but now I'm trying to chose between 2 different churches.  They both have their pro's and cons.  I want to figure out which one to dive into!  I decided to go to the more charistmatic church because that's where I felt prompted.  I figured I could go and finally decide where I'm supposed to plant myself and my 3 boys.  Once I got there I realized I really didn't want to be there.  I know it's because of an offense so tried to just plug in and tell myself to 'get over it.'  The message was good, but it really didn't penetrate.  At the very end of service they were having a beautiful moment with the Holy Spirit.  The pastor asked everyone to ask the Holy Spirit what He wanted to say to them.  To sit there and listen.  I sat there feeling like an impenetrable wall... when all of a sudden I started to think about all of my hurts.  I had memories flash through my mind.  I was questioning the point in thinking about these situations when all of a sudden I heard myself pray, "Lord.  I'm so disappointed."  The moment I articulated the root of my wound I felt something break.  I wept.  I just kept telling him, "I'm so disappointed.  So disappointed" and I openly wept in my seat.  I realized that, in trying to be mature and 'move on', I had picked up my disappointment like a cloak.  I wore it to keep my hurts warm and then literally shut down.  I didn't know how else to be around people when I felt so wounded.  Without realizing it, I had shut down to try and protect myself.

2012 wasn't a great year for me.  I had beautiful highlights... I birthed my third son into this world.  His smile, love, and personality will forever mark my life.  I worked hard and lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I made, and cultivated, a few specific friendships that I believe I'll have in my life - in some form or other - for many many years to come.  The Lord showed me His Love and Faithfulness in financial ways that leave me humbled and so very thankful.

However, 2012 was also marked with much pain, fear, and keene disappointment.  I didn't listen to myself and ended up with a horrific birthing experience that left me in pain for months.  I was worried I'd never be able to hold my baby or function 'normally' ever again.  I experienced post partum depression that still makes me shake in my boots.  There were nights I could only cry out to God as I seriously contemplated abandoning my family or committing suicide.  I experienced disappointments with women that I thought would be able to support me, or even reach out to me, due to their 'title'.  I took people for their word when they said they'd call, but never did.  I had a family member resurrect herself in my life only to tear me down brutally.  I left a mom's program that I was apart of for 3 years because I was tired of being mistreated and felt there was nothing else to do but retreat.  I had someone I thought of as a mother say words to me that may haunt me for the rest of my life.  We haven't spoken since and I don't know if that relationship will ever be restored.  Having those words spoken to me triggered me bad.  I'm still haunted by the thoughts of, "If she would say this then maybe there something really wrong with me.  Maybe I am THE problem... A problem."  And finally, a week after that keene betrayal, I was told I wasn't allowed to return to a local mom's group because of half truths, lies, and full out slander.  I saw how isolated Joshua had become so I considered returning with hopes I could avoid the individuals who didn't like me.  However, I was mistreated, yet again, by leadership of a church.  When I went to the source there was no apology.  Even after I confronted the slander and proved their perceptions were wrong... No apology.  That experience didn't just hurt me, but my sons who won't be able to be apart of a program that helped all of us socialize. 

It was after the last two, very painful experiences, that I felt myself shut down.  I was so hurt that it took all I had to just get out of bed and try to function for the boys.  After a few days of crying I realized that I couldn't stay in that place so I thought I chose to forgive the situations, but that was a lie. I 'thought' I was being mature and handling it properly, but now I realize I had retreated within myself and wore my disappointments like a protective cloak.  I haven't read my bible or worked out for over a month.  I knew I'd feel better if I did those two things, but I couldn't seem to find the desire to do so.  I just put a smile on my face and plugged on trying to be a better mother, decent wife, and all around decent human being.  Little did I know I was rotting inside my cloak of disappointment.

I don't know what the year 2013 will bring.  I don't really know what to do with all my hurts and disappointments, but I realize now that I wasn't handling things as maturely as I thought I was.  I have to figure out how to acknowledge my disappointments and forgive.  Is it possible to forget painful things?  Or to remember them without feeling the sting of hatred, bitterness, and pain?  I don't know, but I have to finally figure it out.  I deserve better.  Jason deserves a whole woman and so do my kids.  I can't pretend I'm not wounded, but I also can't live in that pain either.  I need the Lord to show me how to really forgive and take the sting of all this disappointment away.

So here I am.  Taking my cloak off, acknowledging my disappointments, and figuring out how to make the rest of my life more whole.  I'm thankful the Holy Spirit revealed the truth to me.