Mental illness is no joke. It's a near constant mind fuck. I realize that language may offend some, but I can't think of any other word to express the constant battle. It's like being trapped in traffic on a narrow highway boxed in by cement dividers. Your behind a slow driver in the fast lane with a huge semi on your right. If you move one inch you could hit the wall or the semi. Doing that would mean possible death of you or someone else. Your cussing out the slow driver in the fast lane that has trapped you, but your scared/intimidated by the huge semi inches from your tiny car.
That's the mind of a mentally ill person. Your trapped. You don't want to hit the wall or semi - lifes events - work, arguments, depressive thoughts, over spending, weight gain, bad day with your kids - but that damn slow car is trapping you in your brain. Trapping you in the anxiety. Trapping you in the torment. You know that you have to take deep breathes and slow down until you can escape, but it's scary. It's dark. You do all you can to make it through the day because eventually the heaviness will lift and you'll be able to escape the torment. You smile. Laugh. Dive into work and pretend. You find yourself praying that you won't hurt any relationships when feeling trapped. Or say something you shouldn't. You tell yourself that you know how to 'drive'. It's just momentary. You'll have some peace. You will find a reprieve from the damn cement walls and huge semi trucks.
People with a 'whole brain' just don't get it. I'm glad they don't, but dammit give us grace. Don't roll your eyes and put us in a category. We are brave. We may have a broken brain, but we feel just as deeply as the torment we've lived through. We have empathy deeper than the oceans. We will fight for you as much as we fight for us... and let me tell you that's a lot of fight. Most of us have secretly prayed for death most of our lives because we are so tired of the mind fuck, but we battle through it and Live. You cannot comprehend the bravery and strength that takes.
That takes me back to the bible. I am hurting so damn much. My meds have done wonders, but if I don't take all this pain captive and trust in God then my meds just moderate the perpetual sadness. It does not fix it. And it's obvious. My coworker told me to buy a coke at lunch no matter what the cost. She thinks my quietness and scattered brain was the exhaustion of a monday. She thinks that coke will give me energy and my pep back... and it will help. But the truth is I'm battling a mind fuck. I hate coming home without my dog. The vet handled that so bad. He didn't prepare me. Just grabbed her. She was so scared as he shaved her leg and before i knew it he said "you have two seconds to say goodbye." and she was dead. Gone. I cry just typing that out. I hurt someone without meaning to. Someone made me feel like I was a slut or dirty when I'm not. I miss my kids. We have 11 more days. Jadon hates it there. Jason won't communicate with me. I don't know how to make God my home. My mind won't let me. Men fail me. It's what they do. I fail me. School supplies are adding up. I have one income. I haven't exercised. I have so many acquaintances but few friends. Chad. I gave him everything good in me and I was still worth throwing away. I ache. My kids hurt. He doesn't even care he shattered us with his promises/lies and heartlessness.
So. I listen to music that screams. Yells. Articulates the pain I feel. It does a far better job that it's almost soothing. I cry. Some time soft quiet tears. Sometimes sobs. I clean. I pray.
I wait until my mind fuck passes.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Being Chased....
So. I disappeared. I didn't do it to get attention or worry anyone. I just didn't care and I didn't want to bring anyone down with me. My rage and hate has been palatable. I knew I'd lash out like a wounded animal if I didn't hide.
But People found me. In text or messenger once i activated it again. People actually cared. I'm still hiding because I don't want the world to watch me burn, but at least I'm communicating here.
The irony. Guess who has chased me the most? Through people. The one I hate the most other than me because He made me.
God.
He's done it in small ways. Through a drawing someone made of me. This drawing has breathtaking angel wings. Only God knows the meaning behind real looking angel wings. Reminding me I'm not alone.
He did it through Julie. My recent person who is bipolar and local.
He did it through old highschool friends. One who left me the sweetest voicemail that I'll always save. Another highschool friend who sent me pictures of a bible study that I actually know that I need to do.... and that study led me to do a WORD study in the bible.
It comes from Isaiah 61. "He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted."
It breaks down the Hebrew. Essentially this verse is saying he sent Jesus, like a shooting arrow, to bind up the broken hearted.
Bind up is the Hebrew word: Chavash - it means, "To bind on, wrap around; bind up as a wound, bandage, cover, envelope, enclose."
Get this! Broken is the Hebrew word: Shawbar - "to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear into pieces (like a wild beast.)
I sat there totally flabberghasted. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It even goes so far to show that a broken heart is actually considered HEMORRHAGING! Think about that. Hemorrahaging. Dude. Your going to die if you don't bind that up. And that's how I feel. Like I'm dying.
SO. God sends his son, like an arrow, to bind up, wrap around, cover, bandage, and envelope a heart that has been crushed, smashed, wrecked, and torn into pieces like a wild beast.
Meditate on that a minute. I did. I mean that's living breathing stuff right there. Does a wild beast rip anything apart graciously? No! It destroys the very life and rips them apart to never mend again.
So then I pulled up google and decided to look up that hebrew word for other references in the bible. And WOW!!!! Every time you read "broken"or "break" it means crushed. riped to shreds. true gut wrenching pain. God knows pain. The bible breathes that pain and answers that God knows and sends jesus to bind us up.
7 Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper; The snare is broken and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
For it is good to sing praises to our God; For [c]it is pleasant and praise Is becoming. 2 The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the outcasts of Israel. 3 He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their [d]wounds.
4 He counts the number of the stars; He [e]gives names to all of them.
5 Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is [f]infinite. 6 The Lord [g]supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground.
IS 42
To bring good news to the [b]afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And [c]freedom to prisoners; 2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called [d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning,The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called [d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
But People found me. In text or messenger once i activated it again. People actually cared. I'm still hiding because I don't want the world to watch me burn, but at least I'm communicating here.
The irony. Guess who has chased me the most? Through people. The one I hate the most other than me because He made me.
God.
He's done it in small ways. Through a drawing someone made of me. This drawing has breathtaking angel wings. Only God knows the meaning behind real looking angel wings. Reminding me I'm not alone.
He did it through Julie. My recent person who is bipolar and local.
He did it through old highschool friends. One who left me the sweetest voicemail that I'll always save. Another highschool friend who sent me pictures of a bible study that I actually know that I need to do.... and that study led me to do a WORD study in the bible.
It comes from Isaiah 61. "He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted."
It breaks down the Hebrew. Essentially this verse is saying he sent Jesus, like a shooting arrow, to bind up the broken hearted.
Bind up is the Hebrew word: Chavash - it means, "To bind on, wrap around; bind up as a wound, bandage, cover, envelope, enclose."
Get this! Broken is the Hebrew word: Shawbar - "to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear into pieces (like a wild beast.)
I sat there totally flabberghasted. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It even goes so far to show that a broken heart is actually considered HEMORRHAGING! Think about that. Hemorrahaging. Dude. Your going to die if you don't bind that up. And that's how I feel. Like I'm dying.
SO. God sends his son, like an arrow, to bind up, wrap around, cover, bandage, and envelope a heart that has been crushed, smashed, wrecked, and torn into pieces like a wild beast.
Meditate on that a minute. I did. I mean that's living breathing stuff right there. Does a wild beast rip anything apart graciously? No! It destroys the very life and rips them apart to never mend again.
So then I pulled up google and decided to look up that hebrew word for other references in the bible. And WOW!!!! Every time you read "broken"or "break" it means crushed. riped to shreds. true gut wrenching pain. God knows pain. The bible breathes that pain and answers that God knows and sends jesus to bind us up.
7 Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper; The snare is broken and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
For it is good to sing praises to our God; For [c]it is pleasant and praise Is becoming. 2 The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the outcasts of Israel. 3 He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their [d]wounds.
4 He counts the number of the stars; He [e]gives names to all of them.
5 Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is [f]infinite. 6 The Lord [g]supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground.
IS 42
To bring good news to the [b]afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And [c]freedom to prisoners; 2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called [d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
PS 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are [d]crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of
the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. 20 He keeps all his bones, Not
one of them is broken.
PS 51:17
For You do
not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased
with burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of
God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You
will not despise.
PS 124 6-8
Blessed be the Lord, Who has not given us [c]to be torn by their teeth.
7 Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper;The snare is broken and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
7 Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper;The snare is broken and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
PS 147
Praise [b]the Lord!
Behold, My Servant,
whom I [a]uphold; My chosen
one in whom My soul
delights. I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice
to the [b]nations. 2 “He will not cry out
or raise His voice, Nor make
His voice heard in the street. 3 “A bruised reed He
will not break And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He
will faithfully bring forth justice.
IS 61
The Spirit of the Lord [a]God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me To bring good news to the [b]afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And [c]freedom to prisoners;
2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning,The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called [d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
EZ 34: 4 & 16
Then the word of the Lord came to me
saying, 2 “Son of man, prophesy
against the shepherds of Israel. Prophesy and say to [a]those shepherds, ‘Thus
says the Lord [b]God, “Woe, shepherds of
Israel who have been [c]feeding themselves!
Should not the shepherds [d]feed the flock? 3 You eat the fat
and clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat sheep without [e]feeding the flock. 4 Those who are sickly
you have not strengthened, the [f]diseased you have not
healed, the broken you have not bound up, the scattered you have not
brought back, nor have you sought for the lost; but with force and with
severity you have dominated them. 5 They were scattered
for lack of a shepherd, and they became food for every beast of the field
and were scattered.6 My flock wandered
through all the mountains and on every high hill; My flock was scattered
over all the surface of the earth, and there was no one to search or seek for them.”’”
16 “I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the
broken and strengthen the sick; but the fat and the strong
I will destroy. I will feed them with
judgment.
I have do not know what to do with all of this yet. But I am thinking on it. It, at the very least, makes me want to read the bible because clearly the bible gets it... and hebrew is beautiful.
Disappeared
So. I've disappeared. I had to because my world was burning down. I didn't want to take anyone down with me. I didn't want the world to watch it happen. And they would have. My inability to keep my mouth shut makes that an inevitability. I wish I could draw out the image I have of myself screaming in agony as I rip my skin from skull to chest exposing the burning inferno that's raging and burning me alive. Me desperately trying to detatch my brain so the burning will end... yet all I do is burn to dead ash.
I've never done this before. Disappeared. Normally I cling to whoever will tell me I'm lovable and can survive my latest pain. But, this time, I don't see the point. I am fundamentally flawed and I am not lovable. Not to the people I let in close. They have all left because I am a roller coaster. I have bi-polar. It sucks. I feel more. I hurt more. I love more. I worry more. I.do.everything.MORE.
And. I hate myself. I have always had a low self esteem, but nothing like this. In the last few days, as I've sobbed, I find myself standing in my home and vehemently telling myself, "I HATE YOU." I'm not sure if it's me I hate or God, but I know that they go hand in hand. I hate me for who I am and I hate God for making me. I've sobbed for weeks constantly begging anyone and everyone to forgive me for who I am. I am so sorry I'm sick. I'm so sorry I push people away. I'm so sorry I am a disaster. I am s sorry I am not worthy. It's amazing to me that someone can look in the mirror but not see themselves. I do my make up, but it's as if I never see me in that mirror. When I look all I see is an unlovable woman with the words, "bi polar"and "not worthy of Chad" plastered on my very existence. It's truly killing me. My hope. My light. Any joy I ever found has all been sucked out of the vortex of this diagnosis and Chad not wanting me.
He came on Saturday to get his things and wouldn't even look at me. His BIL was there and stood by him looking at me as if I was crazy and would snap at any moment. It was humiliating. I called a few friends sobbing sobs of agony, but they were powerless to help me. When he drove away he didn't look back. When he drove off he took any shred of hope I'll ever be worthy of love.When he drove away I screamed screams of agony that no human can express. I did that for almost an hour. Screaming and beating the floor in pain that takes my breath away just thinking about it. I gave my very best to him and it wasn't good enough. I am never good enough. Why would God create a woman who is never good enough? Created to be bruised and unwanted? Is He truly that cruel? I would never hurt myself, but countless others have accidents all the time. Why can't I? Is peace ever attainable?
This vortex is so dark. So scary. So unwanted. Will I ever have joy again? Will my eyes ever have light? I wake up. Those first few moments are so wonderful because I forget my diagnosis. I forget I'm not lovable. Then it hits me and I hurt. I get up. Sometimes I cry all the way to work. Other times I just numb out. I kick butt at work. I usually cry all the way home. Eat cereal for dinner. Lay on the couch. Take my meds and go to sleep.
I do not want to be me.
I've never done this before. Disappeared. Normally I cling to whoever will tell me I'm lovable and can survive my latest pain. But, this time, I don't see the point. I am fundamentally flawed and I am not lovable. Not to the people I let in close. They have all left because I am a roller coaster. I have bi-polar. It sucks. I feel more. I hurt more. I love more. I worry more. I.do.everything.MORE.
And. I hate myself. I have always had a low self esteem, but nothing like this. In the last few days, as I've sobbed, I find myself standing in my home and vehemently telling myself, "I HATE YOU." I'm not sure if it's me I hate or God, but I know that they go hand in hand. I hate me for who I am and I hate God for making me. I've sobbed for weeks constantly begging anyone and everyone to forgive me for who I am. I am so sorry I'm sick. I'm so sorry I push people away. I'm so sorry I am a disaster. I am s sorry I am not worthy. It's amazing to me that someone can look in the mirror but not see themselves. I do my make up, but it's as if I never see me in that mirror. When I look all I see is an unlovable woman with the words, "bi polar"and "not worthy of Chad" plastered on my very existence. It's truly killing me. My hope. My light. Any joy I ever found has all been sucked out of the vortex of this diagnosis and Chad not wanting me.
He came on Saturday to get his things and wouldn't even look at me. His BIL was there and stood by him looking at me as if I was crazy and would snap at any moment. It was humiliating. I called a few friends sobbing sobs of agony, but they were powerless to help me. When he drove away he didn't look back. When he drove off he took any shred of hope I'll ever be worthy of love.When he drove away I screamed screams of agony that no human can express. I did that for almost an hour. Screaming and beating the floor in pain that takes my breath away just thinking about it. I gave my very best to him and it wasn't good enough. I am never good enough. Why would God create a woman who is never good enough? Created to be bruised and unwanted? Is He truly that cruel? I would never hurt myself, but countless others have accidents all the time. Why can't I? Is peace ever attainable?
This vortex is so dark. So scary. So unwanted. Will I ever have joy again? Will my eyes ever have light? I wake up. Those first few moments are so wonderful because I forget my diagnosis. I forget I'm not lovable. Then it hits me and I hurt. I get up. Sometimes I cry all the way to work. Other times I just numb out. I kick butt at work. I usually cry all the way home. Eat cereal for dinner. Lay on the couch. Take my meds and go to sleep.
I do not want to be me.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Abandoned
This is me.
Psalm 77:7-9New Living Translation (NLT)
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude
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