Being Chased....

So.  I disappeared.  I didn't do it to get attention or worry anyone.  I just didn't care and I didn't want to bring anyone down with me.  My rage and hate has been palatable.  I knew I'd lash out like a wounded animal if I didn't hide.

But People found me.  In text or messenger once i activated it again.  People actually cared.  I'm still hiding because I don't want the world to watch me burn, but at least I'm communicating here.

The irony.  Guess who has chased me the most?  Through people.  The one I hate the most other than me because He made me.

God.

He's done it in small ways.  Through a drawing someone made of me.  This drawing has breathtaking angel wings.  Only God knows the meaning behind real looking angel wings.  Reminding me I'm not alone.

He did it through Julie.  My recent person who is bipolar and local.

He did it through old highschool friends.  One who left me the sweetest voicemail that I'll always save.  Another highschool friend who sent me pictures of a bible study that I actually know that I need to do.... and that study led me to do a WORD study in the bible.

It comes from Isaiah 61.  "He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted."

It breaks down the Hebrew.  Essentially this verse is saying he sent Jesus, like a shooting arrow, to bind up the broken hearted.

Bind up is the Hebrew word: Chavash - it means, "To bind on, wrap around; bind up as a wound, bandage, cover, envelope, enclose."

Get this!  Broken is the Hebrew word: Shawbar - "to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear into pieces (like a wild beast.)

I sat there totally flabberghasted.  That is EXACTLY how I feel.  It even goes so far to show that a broken heart is actually considered HEMORRHAGING!  Think about that.  Hemorrahaging.  Dude.  Your going to die if you don't bind that up.  And that's how I feel.  Like I'm dying.  

SO.  God sends his son, like an arrow, to bind up, wrap around, cover, bandage, and envelope a heart that has been crushed, smashed, wrecked, and torn into pieces like a wild beast.

Meditate on that a minute.  I did.  I mean that's living breathing stuff right there.  Does a wild beast rip anything apart graciously?  No!  It destroys the very life and rips them apart to never mend again.

So then I pulled up google and decided to look up that hebrew word for other references in the bible.  And WOW!!!!  Every time you read "broken"or "break" it means crushed.  riped to shreds.  true gut wrenching pain.  God knows pain.  The bible breathes that pain and answers that God knows and sends jesus to bind us up.

The link: https://studybible.info/search/Webster_Strongs/H7665/60

⁷ Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper; The snare is broken and we have escaped. ⁸ Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. 
For it is good to sing praises to our God; For ^[c]it is pleasant and praise Is becoming.  ² The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the outcasts of Israel.  ³ He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their ^[d]wounds.
⁴ He counts the number of the stars; He ^[e]gives names to all of them.
⁵ Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is ^[f]infinite. ⁶ The Lord ^[g]supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground. 


IS 42
To bring good news to the ^[b]afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And ^[c]freedom to prisoners; ² To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, ³ To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called ^[d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. 

PS 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are ^[d]crushed in spirit.  ¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all.  ²⁰ He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken.

PS 51:17

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering.  ¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. 

PS 124 6-8

Blessed be the Lord, Who has not given us [c]to be torn by their teeth.
7 Our soul has escaped as a bird out of the snare of the trapper;The snare is broken and we have escaped. 8 Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. 

PS 147

Praise ^[b]the Lord!

Behold, My Servant, whom I ^[a]uphold; My chosen one in whom My soul delights. I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the ^[b]nations.  ² “He will not cry out or raise His voice, Nor make His voice heard in the street. ³ “A bruised reed He will not break And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He will faithfully bring forth justice. 

https://studybible.info/strongs/H571

IS 61

The Spirit of the Lord [a]God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me To bring good news to the [b]afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And [c]freedom to prisoners;

2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning,The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called [d]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. 

EZ 34: 4 & 16

Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, ² “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel. Prophesy and say to ^[a]those shepherds, ‘Thus says the Lord ^[b]God, “Woe, shepherds of Israel who have been ^[c]feeding themselves! Should not the shepherds ^[d]feed the flock? ³ You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat sheep without ^[e]feeding the flock. ⁴ Those who are sickly you have not strengthened, the ^[f]diseased you have not healed, the broken you have not bound up, the scattered you have not brought back, nor have you sought for the lost; but with force and with severity you have dominated them. ⁵ They were scattered for lack of a shepherd, and they became food for every beast of the field and were scattered.⁶ My flock wandered through all the mountains and on every high hill; My flock was scattered over all the surface of the earth, and there was no one to search or seek for them.”’” 

¹⁶ “I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken and strengthen the sick; but the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them with judgment. 

https://studybible.info/strongs/H2388

https://studybible.info/strongs/H2470

I have do not know what to do with all of this yet.  But I am thinking on it.  It, at the very least, makes me want to read the bible because clearly the bible gets it... and hebrew is beautiful.

Disappeared

So.  I've disappeared.  I had to because my world was burning down.  I didn't want to take anyone down with me. I didn't want the world to watch it happen.  And they would have.  My inability to keep my mouth shut makes that an inevitability.  I wish I could draw out the image I have of myself screaming in agony as I rip my skin from skull to chest exposing the burning inferno that's raging and burning me alive.  Me desperately trying to detatch my brain so the burning will end... yet all I do is burn to dead ash.

I've never done this before.  Disappeared.  Normally I cling to whoever will tell me I'm lovable and can survive my latest pain.  But, this time, I don't see the point.  I am fundamentally flawed and I am not lovable.  Not to the people I let in close.  They have all left because I am a roller coaster.  I have bi-polar.  It sucks.  I feel more.  I hurt more.  I love more.  I worry more.  I.do.everything.MORE.

And.  I hate myself.  I have always had a low self esteem, but nothing like this.  In the last few days, as I've sobbed, I find myself standing in my home and vehemently telling myself, "I HATE YOU." I'm not sure if it's me I hate or God, but I know that they go hand in hand.  I hate me for who I am and I hate God for making me.  I've sobbed for weeks constantly begging anyone and everyone to forgive me for who I am.  I am so sorry I'm sick.  I'm so sorry I push people away.  I'm so sorry I am a disaster.  I am s sorry I am not worthy.  It's amazing to me that someone can look in the mirror but not see themselves.  I do my make up, but it's as if I never see me in that mirror.  When I look all I see is an unlovable woman with the words, "bi polar"and "not worthy of Chad" plastered on my very existence. It's truly killing me.  My hope.  My light.  Any joy I ever found has all been sucked out of the vortex of this diagnosis and Chad not wanting me.

He came on Saturday to get his things and wouldn't even look at me.  His BIL was there and stood by him looking at me as if I was crazy and would snap at any moment.  It was humiliating.  I called a few friends sobbing sobs of agony, but they were powerless to help me.  When he drove away he didn't look back.  When he drove off he took any shred of hope I'll ever be worthy of love.When he drove away I screamed screams of agony that no human can express.  I did that for almost an hour. Screaming and beating the floor in pain that takes my breath away just thinking about it.   I gave my very best to him and it wasn't good enough.  I am never good enough.  Why would God create a woman who is never good enough?  Created to be bruised and unwanted?  Is He truly that cruel?  I would never hurt myself, but countless others have accidents all the time.  Why can't I?  Is peace ever attainable?

This vortex is so dark.  So scary.  So unwanted.  Will I ever have joy again?  Will my eyes ever have light?  I wake up.  Those first few moments are so wonderful because I forget my diagnosis.  I forget I'm not lovable.  Then it hits me and I hurt.  I get up.  Sometimes I cry all the way to work.  Other times I just numb out.  I kick butt at work.  I usually cry all the way home.  Eat cereal for dinner.  Lay on the couch.  Take my meds and go to sleep.

I do not want to be me.

Abandoned

This is me.

Psalm 77:7-9New Living Translation (NLT)

7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
    Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
    Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude

Women's 2016 Conference

I thought it prudent to blog about my experience at the 2016 Women's Conference so that I could have a record.  The topic was, "Thee Amazing Grace."  My favorite speakers were Heather and Cigi who honed in on what 'Grace' really is.

I think we've all heard it before.  Grace is God's Unmerited and undeserved Favor.  Ciji used a profound example of being pulled by a rope.  No matter how much she planned her firm stance, or new tactic, she was always pulled across the stage.  It wasn't because she wasn't brave enough, or smart enough, or obedient enough... she simply couldn't do it on her own.  We are all like that rope being pulled around by our current struggles because we aren't surrendering to our Father who can take care of it.  My emotions drag me around all of the time.  I've been trying so hard to do everything in my own power and insight... to make people proud of me, to make God proud of me, and to be proud of myself.  I lost sight of the fact that surrendering to God - and making time for Him - is when, and how, my life will actually change.  That's where my power comes from.

All of that was Great!

But it was the "Small things" that may have impacted me the most, and to my complete surprise, they were all centered around music.

1.  I looked at the gift shop full of items that people had made.  They ranged from paintings, to jewelry, and decorations.  All of the proceeds went to the kids backpack program for Lea County.  As I was wandering around I noticed this breathtaking photo painted by Phil Hahn.  It's of two dancers.  As most of you know, I love to dance.  It holds deep meaning for me.  I looked at the price of the painting and kept on walking.  I was surprised when Pastor Ty announced that all remaining items were 50 percent off.  I thought I would see what was left... I was shocked to discover that the dancer painting was still there!  I hung around until most of the ladies had left, but the painting was still there.  I couldn't take my eyes off of it!  Whenever I looked at the painting it made me think of how I envision the Lord dancing with me.  I didn't have the money they wanted at 50% off, but I when it didn't sell I walked up to the lady and bashfully offered what I did have... and she TOOK IT!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!!!

This BEAUTIFUL hand painted painting is MINE!!!  It's me and the Lord dancing!  The essence of joy that my soul experiences when I get to dance.  The photo doesn't do it justice!




2. Music.  In December 2013, right before I realized we were in a cult, we took a trip to see my brother.  "Shores" had just come out.  Jason didn't like the song much, but he humored me and let me belt it out a few times on the trip.  I remember connecting with that song on a deep level... it was as if my very spirit sang the lyrics. As I sang that song I asked God to allow me to trust him beyond stormy waters.  To make me brave.  To wash away depression.  Breathe life into these bones...

Two months later I found out that I was in a cult and my marriage came to an end.

3. Moriah Peters created an amazing song called, "Brave."  I played that song over, and over, and over again.  It was my mantra when I faced life without Jason as a single mother.  I sang that song when I had to find the strength to return to work after being out of work for 7 years.  I sang that song when my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest.  I sang that song when I needed bravery to face nights alone when my kids were with their dad.

I sang that song so much that it is still Ben's favorite song.  He is ADORABLE when he sings it!

Well!  Much to my surprise MORIAH PETERS was There in concert!!!  She sang that song live!

See.  I haven't been brave as of late.  I've been so beaten down with Shame.  Fear that I deserve to be mistreated or abandoned because I am broken.  My shame, and insecurities, started to become my identity.  As I stood there singing that song I remembered, in my spirit, how I challenged myself to be brave.  How I chose to surrender to God and trust him in my stormy seas.  I realized that I could be brave again.

And then worship happened.  They sang, "Shores" and then, "Good Good Father."

4.  The next song that changed my life has been, "Good Good Father." God used that song to heal a deep breech in my relationship with Him.  I finally found the understanding that God is my father.  Not just my Father, but He's Good.  Really Good.  And Trustworthy.  And He loves me.  It's who I am.

I had forgotten that He loved me.  My shame and insecurities were louder than that fundamental truth.

5. The theme song for the concert was, "Broken Vessels".  I wept as I sang it.  It has quickly become my new mantra song.  A reminder that I need to surrender.  Surrender it all.  Amazing Grace.  How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  Raising up the broken to life.

I wept.

It all sounds so cheesy when I type it up, but it really was profound.  Then God gave me that beautiful painting to show me that He knows my hearts cry and that He wants to dance with me  .

~~

Outside of the conference, my other profound moments were with Naomi.  She helped me be brave and do something that I didn't have the courage to do.  I have a hard time sleeping... but I crashed, deeply, and quickly, at her house.  I slept peacefully all night long and woke up rested.  Her place was so peaceful and full of the holy spirit.  She got up early to read her bible ... and I realized what I was missing.  I don't make time to start my day out right.  I haven't been trusting God with my future.  I've been too afraid that I was so broken that I didn't deserve more that what I was living.  I lost sight of God's Power that He promises in Ephesians.  I lost Hope too.

But, as I laid there, reading my bible, after a peaceful nights sleep, in my friends peaceful home... I felt something deep wake up within me.

It was awesome.

Vows and Promises

I have to confess I've felt a range of emotions, as of late, but the scariest of them all was the feeling of being numb.  I battled with the question:  "Am I really numb or is this just a manifestation of tremendous personal growth?"

I wanted it to be growth!

Yet, I knew that there were things happening in my life that needed an emotional release.  A catharsis of tears.  Crying, for me, is therapeutic.  When I cry it's as if I am releasing toxins out of my system.  Yet, I couldn't cry.  I just kept going forward wondering when the dam would break.

It finally broke today and what a blessed relief it brought.  Thankfully, what broke it, is a bible study that I started.  It's on the book of Ecclesiastes.  The first day talks about how our parents decisions, and vows, affect us today as adults.  They affect us emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.  It can aid us in lacking peace.

And, as I laid here praying about that thought, the dam broke and I found myself finally able to cry.

I believe, when 2 people come together, and make a baby, it creates a 'vow' to that child.  A promise that they will have a mother and father that will love them.  The baggage parents bring into a childs life affects their own personal live vows as they grow up.  Do the parents give the children a message that they are loved?  A mistake?  Do they challenge the child to dream or tell them they won't amount to much?  What kind of role model are they?  Do they force their children to create life vows to Never be "xyz" or are their personal vows more to model the type of parent they experienced?

Then there are relationship vows.

 I've been struggling with deep pain whenever I see Jason.  And, frankly, that pain has pissed me off!  I couldn't figure out 'why'!  I don't want to be with him.  He has turned into such a mean jerk. He won't communicate about the boys and the way he protects Nara against me, as if I am a danger to her, is flat insulting.  When I dropped my boys off, Saturday, I happened to watch Jason wrestling with one of Nara's sons.  I couldn't stop the tears that smarted my eyes.  I got out of there as fast, and graciously, as I could.

See, Jason vowed, before God - and Man - to love me.  To choose me.  In sickness and in Health.   He didn't keep his vow.  He didn't keep his promise.  He didn't love me. He didn't chose me.  He, normally, shamed me when I was sick.  He certainly didn't love my body or value my input.  He gas lighted me at every opportunity.  He let others hurt me.  He cheated on me with another woman.  He may not have had sex with her, but a spiritual and emotional bond is just as bad as physical sex.  I fought for him.  I fought for our marriage tooth and nail, but he just threw me away like broken garbage.

THAT'S why I was hurting.  Because, seeing Jason with his new family reminded me that he broke his vow.  He lied to me.  He did not choose me.

Another area that's haunted my heart is a guy  that I cared about a great deal.  He was my best friend and I was his.  He promised to come back, but didn't.  He found someone else instead.  Another example of a broken vow.

Friendships... when someone compares you to family, tells you they love you, I believe that's a form of a 'vow'.  Family is a life time thing (normally.)  So to compare you to family, but then check out of your life is another broken 'vow' that Hurts.

So there you go.  I could finally cry because I finally knew why I hurt so bad.  I hurt over all vows that had turned into broken promises and painful lies.

But, as I cried, I felt the holy spirit ask me, "What are God's promises?"

So I decided to ask Google  and it's AMAZING all of the promises God has made.  Promises to protect my children.  A promise that His love will never fail.  He is faithful in every way.  He promises that my sins are forgiven.  That He sent His son to die for me sot hat I might live.  He promises he sent Jesus as my mediator and the holy spirit as my comforter, convictor, and friend.  He promises peace, to comfort me in my trials, and that His love will never fail me.  He promises that there is no height, or depth, nor demon, no angel - nothing can separate me from His love.

He promises to heal all my broken areas.  He promises eternal life, friendship, and to complete His work in me.

And the beautiful thing about God?  His Yes is Amen.  He is not a liar.  He has never broken a vow and He never will.

Jason may have broken his vow.  My parents did.  Boyfriends did.  Friends have.  Family have.  Heck, *I* have!

But.  My God, who supplies all my needs, has never broken a vow and He never will.  He is trustworthy, honest, fair, loving, my husband, and My Father.  There is a GLORIOUS HOPE in that!

I thought I'd share some of what I found...


Here are just a few of the promises that God has made:

Promises of God in the Old Testament.

God promised to bless Abraham and, through his descendants, the whole world (Genesis 12:2–3). This promise, called the Abrahamic Covenant, pointed to the coming Messiah for whom Abraham looked (John 8:56).

God promised Israel to be their God and make them His people (Leviticus 26:12–13). Old Testament history is teeming with examples of God fulfilling this promise.

God promised that if we search for Him we will find Him (Deuteronomy 4:29). He is not playing hard-to-get. “Our God is near us whenever we pray to him” (Deuteronomy 4:7).

God promised protection for His children (Psalm 121). He was the vigilant watchman over all Israel.

God promised that His love will never fail (1 Chronicles 16:34). He is faithful in every way.

God promised Israel that their sin could be forgiven, their prosperity restored, and their nation healed (2 Chronicles 7:14). Repentance opened the road to fellowship and blessing.

God, under the terms of the Mosaic Covenant, promised prosperity to Israel for obedience and destruction for disobedience (Deuteronomy 30:15–18). Unfortunately, Israel eventually chose to disobey, and the nation was destroyed by Assyria and Babylon.

God promised blessing for all who will delight themselves in His Word (Psalm 1:1–3). Simple faith has its rewards.

Promises of God in the New Testament.

God promised salvation to all who believe in His Son (Romans 1:16–17). There is no greater blessing than the free gift of God’s salvation.

God promised that all things will work out for good for His children (Romans 8:28). This is the broader picture that keeps us from being dismayed by present circumstances.

God promised comfort in our trials (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). He has a plan, and one day we will be able to share the comfort we receive.

God promised new life in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Salvation is the beginning of a brand-new existence.

God promised every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3). Whereas, in the Old Testament, Israel had the promise of physical blessing, the church today has been promised spiritual blessings “in the heavenly realms.” Our inheritance is reserved for us (1 Peter 1:4).

God promised to finish the work He started in us (Philippians 1:6). God does nothing in half measures. He started the work in us, and He will be sure to complete it.

God promised peace when we pray (Philippians 4:6–7). His peace is protection. It will “guard your hearts and your minds in Christ.”

God promised to supply our needs (Matthew 6:33; Philippians 4:19). Not that we get everything we want, but our needs will be taken care of. We are more valuable than the birds, and our Heavenly Father feeds them (Matthew 6:26).

Jesus’ promises in the Gospels.

Jesus promised rest (Matthew 11:28–30). Burdens are lifted at Calvary.

Jesus promised abundant life to those who follow Him (John 10:10). Following Jesus brings us more spiritual fulfillment than we could have anticipated. We leave boring behind.

Jesus promised eternal life to those who trust Him (John 4:14). The Good Shepherd also promised to hold us securely: “No one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:28).

Jesus promised His disciples power from on high (Acts 1:8). In this power, they “turned the world upside down” (Acts 17:6, ESV).

Jesus promised that He will return for us (John 14:2–3). From then on, we will be with Him always.

There are many more promises of God that could be listed. All of them find their ultimate fulfillment in Jesus Christ, “the radiance of God’s glory” (Hebrews 1:3). “No matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ” (2 Corinthians 1:20).

Just to write

All I want to do is write.  I think about everything I want to say during the day, but once I get home all I want to do is veg.

But.  Not tonight.  I thought I'd try and get everything out of my head, through my fingers, and onto 'paper.'

I have cried a lot these last 2 months.  The shock of being dumb enough to put myself in a situation to be violated.  To discovered I was stalked, betrayed, and lied to ... God.  It was rough.  Truly Truly rough.

But.  I'm coming out of that dark painful hole.

I still struggle with the reality that there is no justice.  Jason will get away with everything he's done to me.  Knowing that challenges my faith.  It's made me question God's love.  It's made me question my value.  How could my father, and husband, let anyone DO that to someone if He loves me?

Yet, then I realize that He's the one who brought all of it to the light.  The truth wasn't pretty to look at, but now I finally have it.

I cling to this beautiful house like a corner stone.  I can't believe I am not only moving into a home, but a home I can afford with details of a lilac bush and a pom tree.  Only God would know the importance of that.

I read James and feel immense conviction.  My feelings of jealousy and betrayal aren't hurting Jason.  They are sinful and hurting Me.  I've found myself repenting for all of these feelings that have choked the life out of my beautiful smile.  Whenever I think of Jason's betrayal I find myself praying, out loud, "I forgive him.  I don't want to think about them." And then choose to redirect my thoughts.

And it's not that I want to be with Jason.  I don't.  It's the betrayal and rejection that hurts.

I have to wonder if the justice I want is actually going to come in the form of living a happy free life out of the grips of someone who never liked me.  Aren't I worth fighting for?  I know that I'm worth dying for because Christ died just for me so that I wouldn't be rejected or cast aside anymore.

I wouldn't have impacted certain lives if I hadn't broken out of that cult.  I woldn't know the friends that I know.  I wouldn't be moving into this house.  I wouldnt have a job at the city.

So.  I'm trying to forgive, move on, and look towards all that God has done instead of the memories of cruelty, hatred, and the ultimate betrayal.

True Pain

Man. I used to think I knew what pain was. Heck, I had quite a history with it. I could tell you I had known every form of abuse known to man. My testimony could bring tears to the eyes of strangers wondering anyone could survive what I survived.

That pain almost seems laughable. A drop in the bucket compared to the pain I've felt these last few weeks. Now I know what true mind numbing, heart wrenching, screaming sobs, painful betrayal really feels like.

And it's ugly. It's painful. It's scary. It's deeper than any ocean, wider than any crevice, and just flat ugly. I can't imagine any pain greater than this... yet I know it's possible. I know losing the death of a child can be deeper than screaming unabated, raging, griping pain. And, to whoever you are.... You have my deepest condolences. My deepest empathy. My deepest compassion. I ache just imagining what your heart, mind, and body must feel like. I don't know you, but I love you. With the deepest open love possible. I knew that Jason was in a cult. I knew that he was mean. I knew that he was cruel, but I never fathomed he could be capable of such heinous, conscious searing, choices. I knew that Ronnie Harris had some wacked out beliefs, but I never thought he'd support such repulsive choices. I always thought the good in those people would some how win over the evil. I never thought he could lie to my face. I never thought he could be capable of such hated. I never thought he would become an uglier version that his brother. That, alone, is a hard thing to attain. Yet, he has no sorrow. No apologies. He acts like he's a prophet of old exposing jezebel. He actually laughed at me about it. I feel so violated. I would rather endue the rape of my body than to experience this type of rape. It's heinous. It's evil. And this "Nara" woman. I'm told I can't hate her or blame her. Even though she openly pursued a married man. The sin lies soley on Jason because HE was the one I was in covenant with. I can't tell you the depth of betrayal knowing I was begging him like a dog for him to fight for us...and during that entire time he was with her. No wonder he didn't feel 'married' to me!!!!!! And then there's the kids. It is going to be the biggest challenge of my life to act unaffected by all of this. I made a big mistake today and unloaded on the kids after they got home from her house. Joshua actually cried. I did major damage control, repented, and fixed my mix up.... but I don't know how to continually handle hearing them sing her praises. Even tonight, as we sang our "love you song" we always come to a point where we list the people we love and Joshua listed that woman. No joke, I immediately started to cry because it hurt so bad. I choked the tears back and let them finish the song. How am I going to handle their wedding? And the fact that she's going to be their step mom. She will be at their weddings. They will be there together. Happy. Forever. That was supposed to be me. He was supposed to love me, chose me, and fight for me. And yet he's pursuing someone else and has been well before we were divorced. I just don't understand how Jason has gotten away with all he's done. Where is the justice? Doesn't God care that Jason has used HIS name to destroy a family and another human being? Doesn't he care? How can he say that Jesus is the son of God and yet have no conscious? It's the first time in my life that I don't like what the Bible says. I actually feel anger at the teachings of Jesus. I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to love my enemies. I don't want to pray for them. I just want them to hurt as much as I am. :( He seems so peaceful. So happy. Singing the tune that he stayed the course, trusted God, gave up his family, and just like Job God is restoring it ten fold with this woman. And, I'm not. I'm broken. Devestated. Hurting. Confused. Still. I just don't understand. So. I cry. I cry a lot. I keep turning to scripture trying to find answers to all this pain. Trying to trust He really will turn take beauty from ashes. Taking one moment. One step at a time hoping it's the right step. Crying out for discernment and healing. Begging for Justice. Begging for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I just don't understand how God is allowing Jason to get away with all he's done. It's not fair.