A Fool

I have found myself going through the folders in an old/new email account.  I have to admit I’m shocked at what I’ve found.  I found my correspondence with Jason from 1999 – 2004.  That was back in the day when emails were text messages.  I wasn’t saddened reading it.  I was actually shocked to see that he was always a pretentious asshole who struggled with depression and self-hatred.  Saddened that I was so broken I couldn’t see what I was getting myself into.  I used to think using wordy/proper vocabulary was a sign of intelligence.  Now I just see it’s a way to hide their own insecurities behind lofty words.  He had so many apologies about his behavior.  So many emails about how lucky he was that I loved him.  Disgusting emails about Sam Soleyn’s teachings in the very beginning.  I still hate the word, “papa.”

I found a folder with my mom’s name.  That folder stunned me the most. God.  She was an abusive toxic bitch.  I had forgotten that my mom was my grandmother’s POA and that she was soley responsible for getting my grandma kicked out of her home because she stole her money to pay her own bills. My aunt Jane and I found out after the state of NM removed her rights and shut her account down.  My mom was furious.  I had forgotten how scared my grandma was of her.  Heck.  How scared we all were at her terrifying outbursts. I had forgotten that she destroyed my credit as a teenager by using my social security number to open up credit cards.  I discovered that when I was about 21 because creditors finally found me.  I had forgotten that she fled the state of Minnesota because the car people were trying to repo her car. I had forgotten how she quit several jobs because everyone was always against her.  I had forgotten how delusional she was.  Seriously, it was Bad.  Truly Truly Bad.  She was Always the Victim.  Always.

I had forgotten how evil Damon was.  How Evil Jason was letting him be Evil.  I had forgotten about how Carol played the field.  She told me she loved me, but then ran to others to say horrible things about me.  I can see now why I was so depressed.  Even a mentally healthy person would have been horrifically depressed in that family.

I went through and read some of my emails to Chad.  I made an utter fool of myself.  An utter fool.  I felt sick to my stomach reading how pathetic I was.  Seeing just how cruel he was and yet I hated ME.  I really thought he loved me and it was my fault he turned on me.

As I read all that, I found myself thinking, “You’re a fool.  A disgusting fool.  How could you be so stupid.  How could you be such a fool?”

I felt like a ton of bricks hit me as I asked myself those questions.  My mind suddenly cleared.  I, now, know why I have been so guarded.  So angry.  Truly despising others and God.

I’ve been so determined to not make a fool of myself that I quit altogether.  I couldn’t forgive myself for falling in love with another bastard.  I didn’t trust myself to love the right people.  I always fight for the wrong people.  I made a fool of myself with my mom, Jason, Carol, Amy, Deb, Dean, friendships, Chad, … got the list goes on and on.  I trusted people at their word.  I believed them.  I thought Amy was my best friend/sister.  I thought Deb and Carol were second mother’s to me.  I thought Jason and Chad loved me.  Seriously, my list of being a fool goes back into my child hood.  I trusted the baby sitters and neighbors not to molest me.  I trusted the guy friends who either tried to rape me or the one who succeeded.  I trusted the boyfriends who said they loved me, but always cheated.

I have made an utter fool of myself most of my life.

So why my rage with God? 

I feel like I made myself a Fool with God by seeking Him and running after him because it never Healed me.  Ever.  I trusted Him completely, but I still remained mentally ill.  I still remained unlovable. The word “love” equates with pain.  I felt like God made me a fool by giving me bi-polar.  I feel like God made me a fool by imprinting my very DNA to need love, but unable to find it.  I feel utterly betrayed by His very essence which IS Love.  I don’t trust anything to do with “love”.  Yet, I have to sit back and ask myself what God has actually Done To Me.  God may not have done what I ‘wanted’, but when Has God not Loved me?  He’s still been faithful when I renounced anything to do with him.  He still speaks to me.  Helps me.  He has always Seen Me.

I’m not quite sure what to do with this revelation.  Who can I fight for?  Maybe I can fight for Myself.  I can fight for my children.  I can trust Elisa and fight for her/build that relationship.  I can’t think of anyone else I trust to fight for. I know there has to be a balance somewhere. How can I fight to build a relationship with a God whose essence is the very thing that’s destroyed me?  How can I trust myself?  How can I trust others?

I do know that God isn’t evil.  Maybe I can start by trusting Him again?  Maybe that’s a safe place to start?  I know that I can trust in fighting for myself.  I do trust that.  That’s actually a beautiful thing that I could never ever do before.

What is Love?

I've been thinking allot about love today.

As I cleaned today, my mind went back to Chad.  I felt that old pain as I remembered what it felt like to be loved.   I know that he was a conman, but he was the closest thing I felt to being loved and in love.  I really thought that he was my forever.   As my heart started hurting I realized that I didn't miss HIM.  I missed being loved. 

Then I thought about the different men that I thought I loved or loved me.

Dad - An alcoholic abuser that was so afraid of being like his dad that he actually became his dad.  He should have loved me, but instead he loved himself, his alcohol, and his bikes.  He denied my existance and I never got an apology because someone killed him.

My brother - We met when we were older.  He has massive traumatic trauma.  I never fit in his life and no matter what I did he didn't pursue being in mine.  I needed him, but he didn't need me.

Jason - I know that in some way he loved me, but if I was honest with myself I would admit that he tolerated me more than he loved me. We both hung in there for far too long trying to honor God through commitment.

Dean - He introduced me to amazing mind blowing sex.  That may sound graphic, but before him I barely knew what a good orgasm was because Jason hated sex and rejected me at every breathe.  I thought he had to love me because he said he did ... and that kind of sex must equal love.  How wrong I was.  I stayed with him for so long because my bipolar brain craved the sexual ecstasy I experienced with him.  Not to mention I grew up in abuse so I could excuse his abuse easily. 

Mike - He actually showed me someone could love me through my crazy.  He showed me that someone could touch in kindness, be eternally patient, cook with me, clean with me, and laugh with me.  Sadly, we felt forced to make a huge decision together and that in the end imploded us... plus he moved back home to Florida for his girls.  We are still friends and he is still kind.

Chris -  I wanted to be in a a relationship so bad that I chose him.  He was boring.  Older.  Good in bed.  A yummy cook. And boring.  I thought everyone knew about me since his family did, but I found out the bad way there was a reason he wouldn't put me on facebook.  He wasn't over his ex, cheated on me, smoked like a sieve, and was an alcoholic.  At first I thought his drinking was occasional, but then I saw that His large cup had more and more jack daniels in it.  I find out he's cheating and gave me herpes.  I so wish I hadn't been so naive about cold sores and 'boring' guys, but I learned my lesson!

Chad - then there is chad. I don't even want to talk about him. You all know that story.  I know that story and I don't want to reiterate it.

Jake - He was brief.  Super brief.  He showed me that I can love and invest in someone.  It didn't stop at Chad.  He showed me kindness in flowers I never imagined existed.  And help in ways I needed.  But I wasn't good enough for him.  He didn't want to deal with my bipolar or Jason even though he never saw my bad bipolar.  He just knew others that were and assumed I was like them.  He flew in my life and flew out back to Oklahoma.

So.  Reality.  No man has ever been in love with me.  Infatuated, yes.  Charmed and enthralled, but nothing pure and constant.  That used to depress me so much... but not today.  I'm realizing that I have received Love in so many other ways.

Friends in highschool whose families allowed me to live with them because my mom was so so abusive.

My aunt Kathy who didn't forget me and sent me the funniest cards and meaningful ornaments because we both love Christmas so much!

My aunt Jane.  Shes patiently pursued me and encouraged me even though distance and time put walls between us.

Friends that sent me care packages just because they were thinking about me.

Sandra.  The baby shower, angel necklace, all the school fundraiser things she bought to support them, my dog - the list goes on.

Britney - she gave us butterscotch!  Gave her to us! 

Gina/Tiffany/Jenni - all have helped me with my boys so that I could work and help raise them to be who they should be.

Jess - my Jess.  The ways we never let the other be alone on a holiday even if it isn't in person.

Dennis - He was once a patron of mine 4 years ago, but now he's a friend and even father figure.  He has been there when others weren't.  Believed in me.  Supported me.  Did the most thoughtful things when the days were dark. He showed me what a christian should look like.  Everything he does is between those people and not for show.  I trust him and I trust very few, if none, men.

Elisa - I could write pages about her and her kids!!!  She is the family we always wanted.  She is trustworthy and loves us as we love her!

My boys - You all read the stories!  They love their momma and I love them.

Tony - I've known him since we were 11.  I can call him day or night and he will answer.  I call him on his shit and he brings me down from mine.

Then there are the friends that I talk to in Messenger.  Or Jennifer from Lubbock.  Maggie and Amanda who have TRULY loved me through my mess.  I mean these women deserve ten gold stars for their perseverance, love, and truth. James Lewis.  That mans compassion and ability to get down to the truth has been a light for me all these years.

Becca- she made me my first doll, red pillows, and introduced me to Optavia.  She has encouraged me all these years. Rebekiah too!


Gosh my list goes on and on!!!!!


I AM LOVED.  Not by a man.  I may never ever know that kind of love (I've come to terms with that), but I AM LOVED in so many ways.  Maybe more ways then a married couple of 60 years!  I used to think love should be found in one person.  I will be loved "when" - married, have a baby, etc.  Now I know Love is found in your friends.  In yourself.  In your kids.  In the family you make.  In the animals that never leave your side. It's far more enriching then love in one person.

Maybe he was right.

I have been thinking alot about my past relationships.  Specifically Chads last words to me.  I've been thinking about the friendships that remain no longer.  Amy.  Julie.  Crill.

They all left because I was too much.

I think I've come to realize Chad was right.  Not about everything.  And, yes, I have greatly improved, but I am too much.  He was right to leave me.  They all were.  They tried to be loyal, but I taxed every single one of them.

Other than Elisa, my closest friends are states away.  One is even over seas.  They are good friends.  Great Friends.  But each of them can walk away from their phone or internet.

Chad tried to love me, but I was in the height of my bipolar.  I do remember now that I did all i could to prove that I was worth loving, but I didn't see my own worth so he couldn't either.  Plus, he was utterly selfish and a chameleon.  He figured everyone out so he could manipulate them.  You had to be perfect to be worth staying for.  Able to do 3 somes and feed his ego.  No, I did not do the first, but every man I've ever been with wanted that.  I always refused, but I think, for him, in my quest to make him happy I think I would have finally given in.  I was so in love with him I would have done anything to make him happy.  Even sell my soul.  It wouldn't have mattered because he "was my sunshine" and I was "his light."  Nothing else mattered.

Am I better going into 2019?  Heck yes.  I can tell you my strengths and weaknesses without much effort because I KNOW what they are.  Am I lovable?  In small does.  Yeah.  As long as I don't burden anyone with everything.  And, believe it or not, I have a lot of things going on that no one has any idea of.  I've learned to be secretive what goes on behind my walls.  Even my brain.  Yeah.  I talk about alot, but it's really all surface things.

So.  In one breath I am very lovable, but in another I am not.  There is always something happening in my world. I try to be positive, but it's always something.  My health.  My kids and their many issues.  Jason.  Dating stuff.  My weight.  God.  All this suffocating fucking weight.  The fact that i can't exercise to even do anything about it right now.

I've tried so hard to be a friend to others.  Reaching out.  Listening.  Empathizing.  Yet, I am sick as a dog in true agony and only Elisa has checked in on me.

It's so sad to finally see my value, but to also see that my value doesn't matter much to others because with my value also comes drama.  Big Emotions.  I cannot be happy and positive all the time like most people.  I try, but I'm lying if I ever say that i will see life as glass half full vs. half empty.

How can I ever expect a man to deal with that day in and day out?  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?

So it goes back to a long time reality: I am not lovable. 

What's changed is that I am lovable, but I'm just not lovable in big/constant dosages.  I have to be realistic.  There will always be drama in my life.  The topics may change, but they will be there.  I'll cry and talk about it, but I will always choose to get up.  I can help others because of my experiences, but I can't expect them to do so in return.  Not in big doses. 

Drama seems to be the curse of my life. Most of it is not my doing, but it is my reality.

I hope to God I can use this year to open my bible and find my deep seeded faith again.  I hope to God I can lose weight.  I want to be better.  I'm no longer lost like I was, but I am cursed with big emotions and drama.  That curse means I will be alone.  Alone in the quiet of my beautiful home.  Alone when I am sick.  Alone in my big doses of drama.  I can reach out some.  "Dole" it out in sections, but my curse of drama and big emotions will never change.

I am not Special

I realized something this year that has changed my life in so many ways.

I am not Special.

Wait.  Before you jump on the bandwagon to tell me differently, let me Explain.

Chad taught me a very valuable lesson.  It took me almost a year to digest.  Mind you, as I think about my past I realize others taught me this lesson as well, but he cemented it.  From the beginning he gave me key phrases that I should have listened to.  "No one leaves me.  I am the one who leaves."  "When I'm done; I am done."  I heard them, but smiled inside and thought things like, "Wow.  I'm finally special.  My person found me.  I changed a cold man into a loyal man."  It actually gave me an ounce of price because I was special.  I was the one to change this wonderful man into something better.

And, I was wrong.  So wrong.  I am not special.  I cannot change a broken man who doesn't want commitment.  I cannot change a man who wants to be married to his work.  I cannot change a man who wants to swing.  I can not change a cheater.  I cannot change a mans heart.  Dammit.  I am not special.

So.  What am I?

• I am sad.  I wish I was special and could do those things.
• I am so thankful that I finally realized this.
• I am brave and smart enough to walk away when I hear those key phrases.
• I have courage to face a life know that I may never ever be loved by a man.
• I am a mom who fails, but apologizes and keeps going.  I love.  I snuggle.  I yell.  I never leave or stop loving them.
• I have bipolar.  And I LOVE that I'm bipolar.  I do.  I embrace it.  I understand it.  It is me and I am it.  I am the strengths of bipolar.  I am the weaknesses of bipolar.
• I am a Christian.  Honestly.  I hate that word, but I also embrace it.  God is real.  Jesus is real.  He is in my brokenness and He is in my strengths.
• I can block people.  That may sound strange, but I could Never do it before.  I always felt guilty.  I knew what it was like to be rejected so I thought if I kept people around then maybe they would realize that I was worth not being rejected.
• I am a dog owner.  My precious butterscotch who gets me out of the house and loves me with a million kisses every day.
• I am a lover of Christmas and Holidays (birthdays/valentines day/etc).  I love to give joy.  I love to see peoples faces light up.
• I love Red.  Seems so silly to list this, but I do.  I love it.  It makes me smile.  I love to watch the beauty of red make others smile.  It is not satans color.  Red is the life blood.  Red is fire.  Red is joy.

I had a few experiences this week that cemented many of these realities.  I have put my foot out there to start dating again.  It's honestly sickening whats out there.

I refused to be with a man who has issues.  So, in turn, what does he do?  He offers me $350.00 dollars to sleep with him.  Every time.  That amount of money is three days worth of pay.  I admit I considered it, very briefly.  Hell.  I've slept with worse men for free.  (Dean) all because I thought i Loved him and he would change.  He never changed.  I just lost my heart and soul.  I declined his offer and his reaction was then desperation.  Whats even sadder? I posted about this in a private womens group and almost ALL of the women told me I should have done it.  That this line of work is normal and pays the bills.  It is accepted that using a man for money as he uses your body is okay.  I don't want that to be okay.  I don't want to lose my soul.  Or my convictions.  Trust me.  He is now blocked from all avenues much to his dismay.  But do I care about his dismay?  Nope.  Not at all.

I also met this great guy.  Honestly, He's great.  He wants the same things I want (almost eerily it was like he read my mind.)  He was kind.  Honest.  Thoughtful.  A great cook.  Just a list of things.  But.  He's broken from a past relationship.  A very very painful past relationship that he gave his all to.  He only wants to be married to his job.  He wants companionship, but not commitment.  He does not want a future with anything but money and work.  I started to hear those old thoughts, "I bet he would change his mind once we were together."  "He would change his mind once he realized I'm not her and being in a committed relationship can be safe and worth fighting for."  I knew those lies, but ignored them briefly.  Then, he reasserted his stance and I realized I was wasting my time.  I wrote him a decent text explaining that I know I'm not special.  To give him my time and body would mean I would also give him my heart and it wasn't worth the heartache that would follow when he never changed his mind.  His response made me cry.  "I respect, and admire that, in more ways than one.  I tip my hat to you for what your becoming.  Never change for anyone.  You'll always have a friend in me and I'll always be here to talk."  It's so unfair that I always meet people at the wrong time.  So bitterly unfair!

BUT I REALIZED THAT BEFORE I GAVE HIM ANYTHING MORE THAN MY TIME!

So.  Again.  What am I?

I am home alone in My Home.  Albeit it's a messy home, but that can change in a short amount of time because it's a clean home.  I did not give my body or heart to someone who wouldn't value it. I did not waste my time on somebody who isn't ready to love and be loved.  I have a tree full of memories that do not include a man.  I have friends, and children, who think I'm special.  Who are thankful for my friendship or just being their acquaintance.  I have pets who are currently surrounding me because they love to be with me.  I have Jesus who is my intercessor and interceeding on my behalf when men left me, cheated on me, and showed me just how unspecial I am.

I am home alone, but I am not being used... and I am not using anyone to fill a hole that isn't theirs to fill.

I am Janine.  House of Betrayal.  Heart Break.  Abuse.  Rape.  Yet, through that, I am a phoenix whose home is compassion, empathy, brutal honesty, kindness, a brilliant smile, and a light that hasn't been quenched out.  I am not special.  I cannot change anyone.  But I can say No.  I can Block.  And I can chose to be alone instead of opening myself up to more hurts.

I knew it was coming....

I had to miss three days of pay two weeks ago because two kids got sick. I knew a small check was coming, but I must have been in denial because seeing the total on my check made me literally sick to my stomach.  It didn't help that I felt sick all day.  I don't know how i'm getting sick or my period is starting. I have no appetite. 

But since seeing the total I feel like stress is eating me from the inside out.  Sharp acid burning cramps.  It's so bad I took two ativan and I haven't taken one of those for some time.  Stress is killing me.  I am consumed with hatred for Jason. He always ends up on top.  Always. Consumed with my weight.  Hatred for myself and God for making me broken.  I cannot comprehend a parent loving their kid and making them broken.  I know I should read my bible, but just the thught of that makes me want to rage.

But then there is this other side of me.  The side that wants to trust God.   The side that Knows God is real.  The side that remembers that God always provides.  I know that if I opened my bible and trusted what I read that I would find a measure of peace.  I remember many instances where I saw the hand of God. i know he's real.

But then I think about Jason always winning.  this weight gain.  The reality that I'll never be loved and I want to reign holy fire. I want to sleep forever... but Instead I'm raging fire on my insides.

I wish I could find something that's more beautiful broken.  I wish this pain would end.  I am truly bent over in agony.  I wish I was lovable. I wish I wasn't alone.  I wish I was skinny.  I wish money didn't scare me.  I wish Jason didn't always win.  I wish for a break.

I am never going to be loved

I cried all the way home today.  I couldn't stop.  Even in the stripes parking lot. When i wandered the store trying to find a fire log and cream of mushroom soup.

I really think God must hate me.  He created a woman who loves deeply, yet I am incapable of being loved!!  I have experienced every form of abuse.  Shit abusive parents.  Selfish friends.  Cruelty that most can't fathom.

Yet.  Love is allusive.  Totally fucking allusive.  Why cant I be Loved in return?   I don't cheat.  i don't lie.  i think of others needs.  Yet all I am is trash or possible great pussy.  You may cringe when you hear that word, but I heard it a lot.  Forgettable.   I remember I was about ten years old.  My girlfriend curled my hair and put make up on me.  See.  I liked this boy.  We went to where he was.  He was flirting with me so much when I opened my mouth to speak.  You should have seen the shocked look on his face.  His words have forever haunted me.  "Damn.  You were so fly and I was so into you... until you opened your mouth."  That moto followed me everywhere.  It was my teeth or my body.  If I "just lost a little weight i'd be perfect."  I was invisible until that actually happened my junior year.

I know people with cancer who are loved. I know people with mental illness that are loved.  Obese people - Loved.  Abusive people - Loved!  Cruel cold heartless people - loved!  Animal abusers - Loved.  Nasty slovenly people who hoard and have bugs in their home - loved. Drug Addicts - loved. Me - never ever good enough.

I should be engaged right now.  I should have a partner to help me with the news i received today.  Chad shouldn't have been a liar.  At least skinny I had a chance at love.  My body was wanted.  Now I'll never know what it feels like to be loved. 

My grandma loved me.  I'll never forget a moment when she literally saved me.  I think I was 5 or 6.  My mom had just got done beating me - physically and verbally - I was hiding underneath my bed terrified when I heard her kind voice... and then I saw her safe face as she got on her hands and knees.  She held out her hands and told me,"it's okay janine.  I'm here.  I got you.'  It took me a few minutes to trust her words and when I did she grabbed me, held me close, and got out of there while my mom still screamed at me like a banshee.

I hate Him for making me.  He's cruel.  I'm trapped in this world.  Doomed to take meds that make me fat.  I can only hope and pray that I can find a mood stabilizer that can work with topamax.  It's so cruel to find a medicine that works for my brain but has destroyed my body.

I am so tired.  The world is cruel and God Hates.

HUGE!!! EPIPHANY!!

Man!  I seem to get the best epiphany’s when I’m on the treadmill!  This one may be thee most ground-breaking epiphany I have ever received!  I know someone else could benefit from this too!

Background…

I mentioned yesterday that a guy I was speaking to briefly ended up making really bad choices.  Due to his choices, I finally judged someone by their ACTIONS and cut him off.  His response to that was intense.  I quickly discovered he could do, or say, whatever he needed to get a reaction out of me…. even an ugly one.  Yet, I couldn’t seem to block him from my phone.  Mind you, I kept clear boundaries and hardly talked to him, but I wouldn’t block him. It was baffling to Julie why blocking someone on my phone is so difficult.  I didn’t know what to tell her…

Today, as I walked on the treadmill, he begged me in text to be able to see me.  How unfair he didn’t get that opportunity.  How desperate he was to prove to me we were meant to be together.  He even said that he would take off a day of work to meet me for lunch.  The thought of seeing him made me feel genuine caution and fear.  The feelings of fear actually surprised me.  I had never labeled those feelings as that.  And, as I jogged, I started asking myself WHY I didn’t cut someone off that scared me. I felt myself cycle through my brain trying to identify when I felt that before.  I wanted to know why I kept talking to someone that I felt concern/fear over.  And, at that moment, I realized WHY!  It’s because of this insane feeling of immense GUILT.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone like I had been hurt.  I thought by keeping him around that it would soften the blow and I wouldn’t be punished.

THEN I asked myself when I had felt those feelings of guilt before (trying so hard to make sense of all this) when it hit me like A TON OF BRICKS!!!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  I felt these SAME feelings with MY MOM!  Nothing stopped her from hurting me either.  She was going to have her way no matter what.  Her insane paranoia and inability to apologize wounded so many… but especially me.  Yet, I took her back repeatedly because I thought that’s what “good” children do.  Her insanity never stopped until I cut her from my life.

Yet, I am still repeating the cycle with relationships!  It is FAMILIAR to me!

How many of us stay with abusive people because we still allow our parents to abuse us?  I mean heck.  If that door is ‘’open’ and acceptable then isn’t spousal abuse?  Our mom/dad/brother/sister tells us we are fat, useless, and a problem… so what’s so wrong if a partner does it?

Or how many of us have drawn boundaries with our families… yet we find ourselves in similar relationships?  Lies and abuse is all we’ve known so why expect any different in our relationships?  It’s acceptable and normal.  Even if, to the outside world, it’s insanity.

Here’s my Truth – and Hopefully Yours – You do NOT have to keep ANY doors open where abuse resides.  I don’t care if they birthed you or share your DNA.  Cut them out…. Or at the very least stop apologizing to THEM and draw a clear boundary.

God does Not want us to be susceptible to ANY form of abuse.  It is Not okay to be afraid of someone’s reaction.  It is Not okay for ANYONE to make you feel less that who you actually ARE.  You don’t have to be with another version of the parent that wounded you.  You can say no.  It’s called a boundary.  It’s called growth… and it’s called loving yourself.  Brian’s choices led me to blocking him.  I have nothing to feel guilty about.  My moms paranoid abuse led me to blocking her out of my life.  It doesn’t make me a disappointment or a bad child.

Where are your open doors?  Where are mine?