I had to miss three days of pay two weeks ago because two kids got sick. I knew a small check was coming, but I must have been in denial because seeing the total on my check made me literally sick to my stomach. It didn't help that I felt sick all day. I don't know how i'm getting sick or my period is starting. I have no appetite.
But since seeing the total I feel like stress is eating me from the inside out. Sharp acid burning cramps. It's so bad I took two ativan and I haven't taken one of those for some time. Stress is killing me. I am consumed with hatred for Jason. He always ends up on top. Always. Consumed with my weight. Hatred for myself and God for making me broken. I cannot comprehend a parent loving their kid and making them broken. I know I should read my bible, but just the thught of that makes me want to rage.
But then there is this other side of me. The side that wants to trust God. The side that Knows God is real. The side that remembers that God always provides. I know that if I opened my bible and trusted what I read that I would find a measure of peace. I remember many instances where I saw the hand of God. i know he's real.
But then I think about Jason always winning. this weight gain. The reality that I'll never be loved and I want to reign holy fire. I want to sleep forever... but Instead I'm raging fire on my insides.
I wish I could find something that's more beautiful broken. I wish this pain would end. I am truly bent over in agony. I wish I was lovable. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I was skinny. I wish money didn't scare me. I wish Jason didn't always win. I wish for a break.
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