I am never going to be loved

I cried all the way home today.  I couldn't stop.  Even in the stripes parking lot. When i wandered the store trying to find a fire log and cream of mushroom soup.

I really think God must hate me.  He created a woman who loves deeply, yet I am incapable of being loved!!  I have experienced every form of abuse.  Shit abusive parents.  Selfish friends.  Cruelty that most can't fathom.

Yet.  Love is allusive.  Totally fucking allusive.  Why cant I be Loved in return?   I don't cheat.  i don't lie.  i think of others needs.  Yet all I am is trash or possible great pussy.  You may cringe when you hear that word, but I heard it a lot.  Forgettable.   I remember I was about ten years old.  My girlfriend curled my hair and put make up on me.  See.  I liked this boy.  We went to where he was.  He was flirting with me so much when I opened my mouth to speak.  You should have seen the shocked look on his face.  His words have forever haunted me.  "Damn.  You were so fly and I was so into you... until you opened your mouth."  That moto followed me everywhere.  It was my teeth or my body.  If I "just lost a little weight i'd be perfect."  I was invisible until that actually happened my junior year.

I know people with cancer who are loved. I know people with mental illness that are loved.  Obese people - Loved.  Abusive people - Loved!  Cruel cold heartless people - loved!  Animal abusers - Loved.  Nasty slovenly people who hoard and have bugs in their home - loved. Drug Addicts - loved. Me - never ever good enough.

I should be engaged right now.  I should have a partner to help me with the news i received today.  Chad shouldn't have been a liar.  At least skinny I had a chance at love.  My body was wanted.  Now I'll never know what it feels like to be loved. 

My grandma loved me.  I'll never forget a moment when she literally saved me.  I think I was 5 or 6.  My mom had just got done beating me - physically and verbally - I was hiding underneath my bed terrified when I heard her kind voice... and then I saw her safe face as she got on her hands and knees.  She held out her hands and told me,"it's okay janine.  I'm here.  I got you.'  It took me a few minutes to trust her words and when I did she grabbed me, held me close, and got out of there while my mom still screamed at me like a banshee.

I hate Him for making me.  He's cruel.  I'm trapped in this world.  Doomed to take meds that make me fat.  I can only hope and pray that I can find a mood stabilizer that can work with topamax.  It's so cruel to find a medicine that works for my brain but has destroyed my body.

I am so tired.  The world is cruel and God Hates.