I am so tired of hiding.
I am so tired of these horrendously thick high walls. It has never been like this. I always believed in the goodness of
people. I forgave. I excused.
I remained vulnerable.
Then Chad. God. That shattered me in so many ways, but
honestly the last two people who betrayed me did far more long-term damage.
Julie. She was my
person. She ‘got’ me. She had bipolar too. I TRUSTED her COMPLETELY. I’ve been haunted with the belief that I
overwhelmed her, but now I’m forcing myself to see the reality that Her mental
illness, coupled with my mental illness, ended up being too much for her. She also had a tendency to shut down and run
in a blink of an eye. I know that some
of that is a healthy boundary, but I also know that was a way to protect herself. I know that because she taught me how to “not
give a shit.” She always told me that
she wished I was hard like her because it hurt her to see me so crushed. I miss
her every day.
Lexi. She was the
woman who worked with me every day. She
pursued me from the very beginning. I
tried to keep a clear boundary, but it got harder and harder since we worked
together day in and day out. I trusted
her so much that I let her watch my kids.
They adored her. Like they adored
Chad. Then she backstabbed me in a
horrendous way. I found out she wasn’t trustworthy
at all. She was actually telling people
that I was bipolar (amongst other very very painful things) which helped them to label me in a way that will take a long
time to fix. I made a TRAGIC mistake in
trusting her. Very Very Tragic. I’m going to have to deal with the
ramifications for a long time down the road.
All of that shut me down in a way I never fathomed would
be possible. I honestly hate
people. I trust three people. I’m a bitch.
I’m bitter. I block people
without a second thought. No one can
touch me unless I let them. I did that
to protect myself. I thought that was
safer… but I’m realizing it is actually destroying me from the inside out. Worse than anything else ever. It’s forcing me into a tail spin of all consuming hopeless self hate.
Trusting people HAS to be better then hating
everyone. It just has to be.
Then there’s Chad.
I’ve been an idiot and stalking his girlfriend/fiance’s page. She’s so ugly. I’m not saying that to be mean or bitter… she
really is. She literally looks like a
meth addict. I see their pictures and
his eyes look empty. Were they empty
like that with me? I know she’s given
him what I refused – and that’s a very wild sex life. One that involves more than one person. Yet, they have such pretty family photos full
of that dead pan eye/smile combo. She
looks blissfully happy. No joke,
blissfully happy.
Yet. She was good
enough to be with for a year. Just like
Nara is ugly. Jason and Chad both told
me that it’s better to date an ‘’ugly’ girl on the outside because they are
pretty on the inside. And, apparently, I am hideous on the inside.
WHY AM I TRASH??!!!!!!!!!
Seriously. Why am
I not lovable?! No one sticks around
long term because I CAN be exhausting.
I honestly just want to give up. Was I in denial all last year thinking I
found myself and liked what I found?
I don’t want to do this if there is no positive thing to
achieve. I am so tired of fighting. Of not being good enough. I am tired of being alone. I literally cannot live with the hopeless
reality that I am eternally fucked up and everyone will leave me.
I am hurting so fucking bad. I cuss all the time. I’m a damn shell who has lost her hope.
But I’m so done being a shell. I am going to talk. I am going to expose myself. I am going to give that power away and hope
it’s better then this living bitter hell.
