I've been thinking allot about love today.
As I cleaned today, my mind went back to Chad. I felt that old pain as I remembered what it felt like to be loved. I know that he was a conman, but he was the closest thing I felt to being loved and in love. I really thought that he was my forever. As my heart started hurting I realized that I didn't miss HIM. I missed being loved.
Then I thought about the different men that I thought I loved or loved me.
Dad - An alcoholic abuser that was so afraid of being like his dad that he actually became his dad. He should have loved me, but instead he loved himself, his alcohol, and his bikes. He denied my existance and I never got an apology because someone killed him.
My brother - We met when we were older. He has massive traumatic trauma. I never fit in his life and no matter what I did he didn't pursue being in mine. I needed him, but he didn't need me.
Jason - I know that in some way he loved me, but if I was honest with myself I would admit that he tolerated me more than he loved me. We both hung in there for far too long trying to honor God through commitment.
Dean - He introduced me to amazing mind blowing sex. That may sound graphic, but before him I barely knew what a good orgasm was because Jason hated sex and rejected me at every breathe. I thought he had to love me because he said he did ... and that kind of sex must equal love. How wrong I was. I stayed with him for so long because my bipolar brain craved the sexual ecstasy I experienced with him. Not to mention I grew up in abuse so I could excuse his abuse easily.
Mike - He actually showed me someone could love me through my crazy. He showed me that someone could touch in kindness, be eternally patient, cook with me, clean with me, and laugh with me. Sadly, we felt forced to make a huge decision together and that in the end imploded us... plus he moved back home to Florida for his girls. We are still friends and he is still kind.
Chris - I wanted to be in a a relationship so bad that I chose him. He was boring. Older. Good in bed. A yummy cook. And boring. I thought everyone knew about me since his family did, but I found out the bad way there was a reason he wouldn't put me on facebook. He wasn't over his ex, cheated on me, smoked like a sieve, and was an alcoholic. At first I thought his drinking was occasional, but then I saw that His large cup had more and more jack daniels in it. I find out he's cheating and gave me herpes. I so wish I hadn't been so naive about cold sores and 'boring' guys, but I learned my lesson!
Chad - then there is chad. I don't even want to talk about him. You all know that story. I know that story and I don't want to reiterate it.
Jake - He was brief. Super brief. He showed me that I can love and invest in someone. It didn't stop at Chad. He showed me kindness in flowers I never imagined existed. And help in ways I needed. But I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want to deal with my bipolar or Jason even though he never saw my bad bipolar. He just knew others that were and assumed I was like them. He flew in my life and flew out back to Oklahoma.
So. Reality. No man has ever been in love with me. Infatuated, yes. Charmed and enthralled, but nothing pure and constant. That used to depress me so much... but not today. I'm realizing that I have received Love in so many other ways.
Friends in highschool whose families allowed me to live with them because my mom was so so abusive.
My aunt Kathy who didn't forget me and sent me the funniest cards and meaningful ornaments because we both love Christmas so much!
My aunt Jane. Shes patiently pursued me and encouraged me even though distance and time put walls between us.
Friends that sent me care packages just because they were thinking about me.
Sandra. The baby shower, angel necklace, all the school fundraiser things she bought to support them, my dog - the list goes on.
Britney - she gave us butterscotch! Gave her to us!
Gina/Tiffany/Jenni - all have helped me with my boys so that I could work and help raise them to be who they should be.
Jess - my Jess. The ways we never let the other be alone on a holiday even if it isn't in person.
Dennis - He was once a patron of mine 4 years ago, but now he's a friend and even father figure. He has been there when others weren't. Believed in me. Supported me. Did the most thoughtful things when the days were dark. He showed me what a christian should look like. Everything he does is between those people and not for show. I trust him and I trust very few, if none, men.
Elisa - I could write pages about her and her kids!!! She is the family we always wanted. She is trustworthy and loves us as we love her!
My boys - You all read the stories! They love their momma and I love them.
Tony - I've known him since we were 11. I can call him day or night and he will answer. I call him on his shit and he brings me down from mine.
Then there are the friends that I talk to in Messenger. Or Jennifer from Lubbock. Maggie and Amanda who have TRULY loved me through my mess. I mean these women deserve ten gold stars for their perseverance, love, and truth. James Lewis. That mans compassion and ability to get down to the truth has been a light for me all these years.
Becca- she made me my first doll, red pillows, and introduced me to Optavia. She has encouraged me all these years. Rebekiah too!
Gosh my list goes on and on!!!!!
I AM LOVED. Not by a man. I may never ever know that kind of love (I've come to terms with that), but I AM LOVED in so many ways. Maybe more ways then a married couple of 60 years! I used to think love should be found in one person. I will be loved "when" - married, have a baby, etc. Now I know Love is found in your friends. In yourself. In your kids. In the family you make. In the animals that never leave your side. It's far more enriching then love in one person.
