Life update

I take a few deep breathes as i sit down to gather all of my thoughts.  I want to be honest.  I want to talk about what had me shaking today.

1.  I have been inwardly freaking out after i upset our landlords when the kids damaged the fence.  We are no longer under a lease so it's just month to month.  She never said that they wanted to, but because of my history i immediately went into flight or fight mode.  Scared.  I didn't tell anyone.  I just stuffed it.

2.  Then Jadon broke the garage door.  That made me even more scared.  I tried to find a way to fix it on my own, but that didn't work out well.  I could feel myself wanting to hyperventilate at the worst case scenario.

3. Parent teacher conferences are next week.  I have to take off of more work ....and i dread what they will tell me.  things seem to be improving for ben since He got into adt.  Joshua is avoiding the bully.  Jadon found a group he seems to click with and his grades have improved.

4. Finances.  I am struggling and anxious about all that's on me.  It's always something.

5. Camping.  I do not want to go camping this weekend.  At all.  God has provided everything I need, but i do not want to do it.  It's going to be cold and I'm vastly intimidated.

6.  My weight.  I have to literally peel myself out of my pants every day.  I disgust myself.  I'm trying to start at a good place, but it's overwhelming and I'm so tired at night.  I hate my weight and I hate that i am not happy with what I see.  It's all consuming.

7. Being a single mom is no joke.  Between working, problems at school, activities, cleaning, refereeing all the fighting, sickness, etc... I just want to sleep all the time.

8.  Sex.  I miss it every damn day.  I am not like most women.  I need it.  I am so proud I've been without for so long, but dammit.  I might hurt someone if I don't relieve stress soon.

9.  I do not want Jason, but it's so unfair to see him so happy.  They are in mexico right now.  Not alone, but I am.  I's just so unfair.

9.  Men. Before I get into this I want to make it clear that i am not interested in anyones opinions on if I should be dating or not.  I haven't talked about any of this except with two specific friends for that reason.  The kids minds and hearts have been protected through all of this.  They are not around any men.  When they are home it's just us.

 I've gone through a few things lately that has shown me alot, left me disappointed, and scared me.  i know what i want and don't want.

• Jake.  Boy.  Meeting him was instantly comfortable.  Listening to his stories growing up both horrified me and gave me hope.  I liked everything about being with him.  I found out that I could show love (not in love,  but love) easily.  It didn't die with Chad.  I had a brief taste of what it feels like to be touched in a hallway and how safe it felt to sleep beside someone.  Then he went home to Oklahoma.  And I discovered that as much as I adored my time with him.... I dislike the ice king he was away from me.  I would get all excited about seeing him and he would say things like, "I can't say I'm opposed to the idea."  He was alot like Jason.  He couldn't give compliments, but he sure could send amazing flowers.  (truly.  I don't think I'll ever get anything that beautiful again.)  I showered him with attention.  Found out everything about him, but he didnt return the avid interest. His heart was still too shattered by his ex and nothing I could do would ever break behind those walls.... so I walked away.  I thought I did it gracefully, but today I found out that I didn't.  I guess I hurt him which is shocking news to me.  Truly shocking.  Shocking that he could be hurt and shocking that he liked me enough to be hurt.  In the end, God protected me from being with another emotionally disconnected man.  Gifts are nice, but i want the man.  Good and Bad.  

• Robert.  He's was a friend for about two years.  I always kept him in friend zone.  I knew he liked me, but whenever i was around him all I could see was a wall and a big flashing sign that said, "FRIEND ONLY,"  He tried to pursue me, but I kept pushing him off.  That hurt his feelings.  He seemed to think he could be good to me and the boys, but I just couldn't do it.  I met him for one lunch and felt nothing.  When he didn't get what he wanted he lashed out.  My response?  Some anger and blocking, but it didn't move me.  His reaction just made me see that the friend only neon sign had a reason.  Lesson learned.

• Brian.  We instantly clicked over the fact that we both over came alot of insanity in our child hood.  I was drawn to the fact that he didn't let life get him down.  He made choices to relocate all four of his children away from his drug addict ex wife and start over from scratch.  That takes balls and determination.  It takes strength to refuse to be like your family.  Refuse to be on drugs and refuse to be an alcoholic.... to choose your kids.  He was so attentive. Everything Jake wasn't.  I never had to question his excitement to talk to me.  He listened to me when I gave parenting advice and cheered me on when I needed it.  He had a lot of promises that seemed really nice... but then Saturday happened.  I discovered what his real priorities were.  He vanished.  He swears no woman was involved, but I really don't believe him.  I know what he DID choose to do instead of being with me and that was enough.  Ironically, I am SO glad he made those choices and we never met.  His response to me cutting it off was quite intense.... Just as intense as his avid interest for me on the positive side.  Again.   God protected me.  Good Lord God protected me.  The beautiful thing is that i FINALLY Finally Finally saw someone for their actions and not their empty words.  This, my friend, is Huge!

That brings me to today.  I get a hateful text (that I later learn was sent out of being hurt) from Jake.  I have been so unfeeling and unattached, but today I engaged.  It was ugly for a little while, but then I heard him and I felt bad.  I saw that I hurt him. Granted, it's his fault he gave me scraps to deal with, but in his ice world he gave all he could.  Then there was Brian.  Flipping out in text.  Begging me to forgive him.  I felt nothing.  Just a flat hell no.  Between the two of them, and all my other stressers, I shook for about an hour.  I made the choice to work out at lunch and as I worked out I prayed that God would help me.  That he would take some of this pressure off of me.  As I prayed I found my stride.  It's been a long time since i found my stride at the gym... and then I heard the holy spirit to tell me to contact my landlord and talk with her candidly.  I worked out hard and went back to work... and as I drove back to work something struck me.  Chad didn't love me.  That or he's a psychopath.  He dropped me like a hot potatao.  Quite like I did with Brian.  But.  I had never met Brian.  I never told him I loved him.  I had no ties to him.  But Jake?  It hurt to talk to him today.  It hurt that he told me so emphatically he had no interest i me.  It hurt that i hurt him.  I didn't love him, but I do care.  If he asked me for another chance I'd give it to him.  Chad treated me like I treated Brian.  This was after he swore to love me, called us family,made love to me,call himself my husband - the list goes on.  He is either a psychopath or never loved me.  This reality gave me more closure.

Then I get to work.  I text my landlord.  Express my insecurities.  She assures me I have nothing to worry about.  Then we talk about how I handled the garage situation.  I shouldnt have tried to take care of it myself.  I should have told them about it.  I apologized and all that stress went off of my shoulders!!!

Then!  Joshua's teacher reaches out asking when I can meet with her for ptc.  I express I have to take more time off of work and she OFFERS to do a conference on my lunch hour over the phone!!!  No one has ever offered that in five years!  I honestly choked up. That would mean I have to take less time off of work, but I still get to do what I need to do.  God.  You heard me.  You are good.

Then!  Yoly messages me that the fall item I requested is done.  I ask if I can write a check (I asked over a month ago) and she tells me that it's a gift.  I honestly wiped away tears.  I have been challenging myself all season long to find things to be thankful for.  I lost that beautiful ability with Jason.  And Here God used someone to give me the gift of Fall.

This may all seem Silly to you, but it's real to me.  God is in the big and little things. He showed me today that he hasn't abandoned me.  That he's here.  He hears me and Sees me.  I listened to His direction and big things were taken off of my shoulders.

And, at the end of the day, I ate a decent dinner.  I chose to eat rice noodles with my spaghetti instead of wheat...  and now I communicate all of this so that it'll be off of my shoulders.

I am so lonely, but I'm doing it.  With God.  With myself  And with my Boys.  Not to mention the beautiful friends that love me and care about me.  They show my boys love by buying for their selling events.  They love us all by cheering me on.  I adore all of you.

Now to get a heavenly snickerdoodle hot chocolate. lol