To Love

I have been meditating a lot on what love looks like.  I know that most of you will think this is going to take a turn into scripture, but it's not. 

In these recent months i've really looked at what my strengths and weaknesses are.  For so many years, with Jason, I never thought I loved enough.  Or parented enough.  I felt like a constant failure. Then I met Chad and discovered I can love and love so well.  I thought it was because I was made to love 'him', but the truth is that I'm simply made to love.

Think about that.  It's a powerful statement.

I was made to love.

I love in so many ways.  I love in my verbiage.  I love with my thoughts that turn into actions.  I love with my loyalty, my smile, and my touch.  I love with my planning, structure, and honesty. I show love in my quirky humor.  I love in my ability to make anyone feel instantly safe and comfortable with me.

Its quite a beautiful thing to finally see that within myself.

But then there comes my shattered reality that I may love well, but I can't seem to BE loved.  Is it because I'm unlovable or because I pick bad?

This weekend was a turning point for me.  I had three people cancel on me. In all fairness, the third missed their flight, but that left me financially responsible for everything.  I had a choice to stay home or face my disappointment and go alone.  I put a happy face on it on facebook, but in all honesty I bawled myself to sleep on Friday night.  I barely slept because it was a new place with new noises.  I felt so alone, but i refused to let it cripple me.  I actually took all of it in relative stride which i never would have done a year ago.

And what did I do the first two days?  I found christmas gifts for people i love.  I made the choice to look all around me instead of within me.  I helped sisters get a perfect photo.  I made sure I was warm to all around me.  I went to new shops.  I didn't feel god through any of it, but I saw Him in the ways certain things happened.  A purchase i've wanted for over 10 years that was 65% off.  I saw it how I 'happened' to find the hiking trail that led to a bucket list being scratched off.  I saw it in the choice to trust the random hiking signs telling me it Was a loop so just keep going. (lol) The crazy deals i got for others.  I kept refusing to let myself stew in self pity with the thoughts that what I had wasn't good enough.

Then, as I drove home, depression hit me really bad.  Chad and I would have been together one year in just three weeks.  I cannot stay on a faithful cycle to lose this weight.  The guy I actually Gave a chance to is married to his work and thus on an island all his own.  I couldn't reach him if I owned my own canoe.  I'm insanely sexually frustrated, but so proud I've gone as long as I have.  I started to choke on the wonderings why i'm not able to be loved.  Mad at myself that I hate myself so much and feel incapable of ever accepting who I am.

Then I heard this still small voice.  It asked me how I show love to others... well.  I show love with compliments and thoughtful deeds.  I show love with attention and alone time.  I show love with touch.  Laughter.  As I pondered that I was flooded with memories where I Have loved myself!  Every hot bath I take is an act of love.  When I walk my dog or exercise I'm loving myself.  When I snuggle my dog or kids I'm loving all of us.  When i cook a yummy meal I'm loving myself.  All my damn cleaning and structure is loving myself!  Climbing a mountain is loving myself!  Even all my damn selfies is self love... because I'm actually appreciating what I see.

So here's to Love.  What I wouldn't give to feel that love returned to me, but until then I am going to Love Others.  Love Animals and Love myself the only way I know how.  Maybe some day the ability to like myself will come hand in hand.