Mental illness is no joke. It's a near constant mind fuck. I realize that language may offend some, but I can't think of any other word to express the constant battle. It's like being trapped in traffic on a narrow highway boxed in by cement dividers. Your behind a slow driver in the fast lane with a huge semi on your right. If you move one inch you could hit the wall or the semi. Doing that would mean possible death of you or someone else. Your cussing out the slow driver in the fast lane that has trapped you, but your scared/intimidated by the huge semi inches from your tiny car.
That's the mind of a mentally ill person. Your trapped. You don't want to hit the wall or semi - lifes events - work, arguments, depressive thoughts, over spending, weight gain, bad day with your kids - but that damn slow car is trapping you in your brain. Trapping you in the anxiety. Trapping you in the torment. You know that you have to take deep breathes and slow down until you can escape, but it's scary. It's dark. You do all you can to make it through the day because eventually the heaviness will lift and you'll be able to escape the torment. You smile. Laugh. Dive into work and pretend. You find yourself praying that you won't hurt any relationships when feeling trapped. Or say something you shouldn't. You tell yourself that you know how to 'drive'. It's just momentary. You'll have some peace. You will find a reprieve from the damn cement walls and huge semi trucks.
People with a 'whole brain' just don't get it. I'm glad they don't, but dammit give us grace. Don't roll your eyes and put us in a category. We are brave. We may have a broken brain, but we feel just as deeply as the torment we've lived through. We have empathy deeper than the oceans. We will fight for you as much as we fight for us... and let me tell you that's a lot of fight. Most of us have secretly prayed for death most of our lives because we are so tired of the mind fuck, but we battle through it and Live. You cannot comprehend the bravery and strength that takes.
That takes me back to the bible. I am hurting so damn much. My meds have done wonders, but if I don't take all this pain captive and trust in God then my meds just moderate the perpetual sadness. It does not fix it. And it's obvious. My coworker told me to buy a coke at lunch no matter what the cost. She thinks my quietness and scattered brain was the exhaustion of a monday. She thinks that coke will give me energy and my pep back... and it will help. But the truth is I'm battling a mind fuck. I hate coming home without my dog. The vet handled that so bad. He didn't prepare me. Just grabbed her. She was so scared as he shaved her leg and before i knew it he said "you have two seconds to say goodbye." and she was dead. Gone. I cry just typing that out. I hurt someone without meaning to. Someone made me feel like I was a slut or dirty when I'm not. I miss my kids. We have 11 more days. Jadon hates it there. Jason won't communicate with me. I don't know how to make God my home. My mind won't let me. Men fail me. It's what they do. I fail me. School supplies are adding up. I have one income. I haven't exercised. I have so many acquaintances but few friends. Chad. I gave him everything good in me and I was still worth throwing away. I ache. My kids hurt. He doesn't even care he shattered us with his promises/lies and heartlessness.
So. I listen to music that screams. Yells. Articulates the pain I feel. It does a far better job that it's almost soothing. I cry. Some time soft quiet tears. Sometimes sobs. I clean. I pray.
I wait until my mind fuck passes.
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