Disappeared

So.  I've disappeared.  I had to because my world was burning down.  I didn't want to take anyone down with me. I didn't want the world to watch it happen.  And they would have.  My inability to keep my mouth shut makes that an inevitability.  I wish I could draw out the image I have of myself screaming in agony as I rip my skin from skull to chest exposing the burning inferno that's raging and burning me alive.  Me desperately trying to detatch my brain so the burning will end... yet all I do is burn to dead ash.

I've never done this before.  Disappeared.  Normally I cling to whoever will tell me I'm lovable and can survive my latest pain.  But, this time, I don't see the point.  I am fundamentally flawed and I am not lovable.  Not to the people I let in close.  They have all left because I am a roller coaster.  I have bi-polar.  It sucks.  I feel more.  I hurt more.  I love more.  I worry more.  I.do.everything.MORE.

And.  I hate myself.  I have always had a low self esteem, but nothing like this.  In the last few days, as I've sobbed, I find myself standing in my home and vehemently telling myself, "I HATE YOU." I'm not sure if it's me I hate or God, but I know that they go hand in hand.  I hate me for who I am and I hate God for making me.  I've sobbed for weeks constantly begging anyone and everyone to forgive me for who I am.  I am so sorry I'm sick.  I'm so sorry I push people away.  I'm so sorry I am a disaster.  I am s sorry I am not worthy.  It's amazing to me that someone can look in the mirror but not see themselves.  I do my make up, but it's as if I never see me in that mirror.  When I look all I see is an unlovable woman with the words, "bi polar"and "not worthy of Chad" plastered on my very existence. It's truly killing me.  My hope.  My light.  Any joy I ever found has all been sucked out of the vortex of this diagnosis and Chad not wanting me.

He came on Saturday to get his things and wouldn't even look at me.  His BIL was there and stood by him looking at me as if I was crazy and would snap at any moment.  It was humiliating.  I called a few friends sobbing sobs of agony, but they were powerless to help me.  When he drove away he didn't look back.  When he drove off he took any shred of hope I'll ever be worthy of love.When he drove away I screamed screams of agony that no human can express.  I did that for almost an hour. Screaming and beating the floor in pain that takes my breath away just thinking about it.   I gave my very best to him and it wasn't good enough.  I am never good enough.  Why would God create a woman who is never good enough?  Created to be bruised and unwanted?  Is He truly that cruel?  I would never hurt myself, but countless others have accidents all the time.  Why can't I?  Is peace ever attainable?

This vortex is so dark.  So scary.  So unwanted.  Will I ever have joy again?  Will my eyes ever have light?  I wake up.  Those first few moments are so wonderful because I forget my diagnosis.  I forget I'm not lovable.  Then it hits me and I hurt.  I get up.  Sometimes I cry all the way to work.  Other times I just numb out.  I kick butt at work.  I usually cry all the way home.  Eat cereal for dinner.  Lay on the couch.  Take my meds and go to sleep.

I do not want to be me.