I discovered Jason is a liar, a cheater, and out to hurt me. Not in a physical manner, but most definitely in a psychological and hateful manner. He actually introduced our babies to another woman 2 years ago. I didn't think anything of it when she bought them Christmas gifts 2 years in a row because the 'story' is that she as just a nice lady in his group. The kids have even called her 'family' which I corrected and told them no one in his group is 'family.' Everything started adding up these last few days by the kids behavior, the things they were saying, and when I confronted Jason. I was ship wrecked. Devastated. He didn't just abandon me for a cult, but he abandoned me for a woman. A pretty woman too. A woman my age, in his group, who has two small kids. They have actually integrated the kids together. I have never, ever, known such painful betrayal. I couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. I knew that he was going to date. I knew that his group would find him a woman, but I never fathomed he'd sink so low as to do it when we were still very much married. Now I know why he's been pushing for the divorce papers to be filed so urgently. It isn't for closure, its' to finally move on with "Nara."
Then I find out he's sent someone to spy on my facebook. They have been reporting to him, but what they reported wasn't the full truth. It was lots of twisted truth. Twisted truth he willingly believed.
Did he ever love me? Ever respect me? How could I be with someone for half my life that has become such a cold hearted, calculated, hateful, betrayer? To not only see the worse in me, but WANT to make it come out? How can anyone claim to know Jesus and do that?!
I just don't get it. I can't fathom how to live with such horrendous betrayal. I truly hate him. How could anyone claim to love God, and be a christian, yet refuse to apologize or own any of his damage? It baffles me.
He actually called my job today to accuse me of something that had no merit. He, and his spy, were finally busted in the act. I couldn't believe his audacity... and then he hangs up on ME. I had to choose to stop shaking and focus on the job I love. And, I did. I not only did that, but I got out of bed when all I wanted to do is wallow in my depression. I chose to put a smile on my face until it felt less fake. I chose to get my kids ready and stay calm even when Jadon pushed every button with his attitudes. I chose to disconnect an avenue that no longer held growth for me.
I don't know. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of people walking out of my life so easily. I wish I didn't fear the future. I have to cling to hope like a life line. All I want to do is be productive at my job. To love my kids and to be loved by a man for the rest of my life. I'm seriously starting to doubt if there are any good guys left.
But, I do know something. I am done with joint birthday parties. I am done with open communication. He can call the teachers to ask about parent teacher conferences. I'll call him for emergencies, but that's it. I am so ready to move forward without his influence, in any way, with my life. I'm done with his hatred, coldness, and lack of love. He can sleep with his evilness and I'll sleep with mine.
Some day. Some how. God has to judge what he's done to me... right? That's what scripture states and scripture doesn't lie.
And now I must find hope, because right now I don't see much. I'm going to find ways to not be lonely. I'm going to continue to be the best mom I can be, make friends, do a good job at my work, and try to lose weight again.
I want to thank the people who understood my rage, told me they were sorry for the pain I felt, and loved me through it without thinking I needed nothing but tough love. Clearly, my kids will always come first. I want to thank Laura who was at my house when a bogus police welfare check was sent to my home. Who brought ice cream and held me in her arms while I sobbed. For my friend Dennis who has been through a painful divorce, hugged me, listened, and then gave me truth in a way I could hear.
I can't believe he left me for a cult and betrayed me for a woman. He never once fought for me because he didn't want me. He never did. I just wish she wasn't so pretty.
He is a true piece of work and I do not see God in him at all.
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