Abandoned

This is me.

Psalm 77:7-9New Living Translation (NLT)

7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
    Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
    Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude

Women's 2016 Conference

I thought it prudent to blog about my experience at the 2016 Women's Conference so that I could have a record.  The topic was, "Thee Amazing Grace."  My favorite speakers were Heather and Cigi who honed in on what 'Grace' really is.

I think we've all heard it before.  Grace is God's Unmerited and undeserved Favor.  Ciji used a profound example of being pulled by a rope.  No matter how much she planned her firm stance, or new tactic, she was always pulled across the stage.  It wasn't because she wasn't brave enough, or smart enough, or obedient enough... she simply couldn't do it on her own.  We are all like that rope being pulled around by our current struggles because we aren't surrendering to our Father who can take care of it.  My emotions drag me around all of the time.  I've been trying so hard to do everything in my own power and insight... to make people proud of me, to make God proud of me, and to be proud of myself.  I lost sight of the fact that surrendering to God - and making time for Him - is when, and how, my life will actually change.  That's where my power comes from.

All of that was Great!

But it was the "Small things" that may have impacted me the most, and to my complete surprise, they were all centered around music.

1.  I looked at the gift shop full of items that people had made.  They ranged from paintings, to jewelry, and decorations.  All of the proceeds went to the kids backpack program for Lea County.  As I was wandering around I noticed this breathtaking photo painted by Phil Hahn.  It's of two dancers.  As most of you know, I love to dance.  It holds deep meaning for me.  I looked at the price of the painting and kept on walking.  I was surprised when Pastor Ty announced that all remaining items were 50 percent off.  I thought I would see what was left... I was shocked to discover that the dancer painting was still there!  I hung around until most of the ladies had left, but the painting was still there.  I couldn't take my eyes off of it!  Whenever I looked at the painting it made me think of how I envision the Lord dancing with me.  I didn't have the money they wanted at 50% off, but I when it didn't sell I walked up to the lady and bashfully offered what I did have... and she TOOK IT!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!!!

This BEAUTIFUL hand painted painting is MINE!!!  It's me and the Lord dancing!  The essence of joy that my soul experiences when I get to dance.  The photo doesn't do it justice!




2. Music.  In December 2013, right before I realized we were in a cult, we took a trip to see my brother.  "Shores" had just come out.  Jason didn't like the song much, but he humored me and let me belt it out a few times on the trip.  I remember connecting with that song on a deep level... it was as if my very spirit sang the lyrics. As I sang that song I asked God to allow me to trust him beyond stormy waters.  To make me brave.  To wash away depression.  Breathe life into these bones...

Two months later I found out that I was in a cult and my marriage came to an end.

3. Moriah Peters created an amazing song called, "Brave."  I played that song over, and over, and over again.  It was my mantra when I faced life without Jason as a single mother.  I sang that song when I had to find the strength to return to work after being out of work for 7 years.  I sang that song when my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest.  I sang that song when I needed bravery to face nights alone when my kids were with their dad.

I sang that song so much that it is still Ben's favorite song.  He is ADORABLE when he sings it!

Well!  Much to my surprise MORIAH PETERS was There in concert!!!  She sang that song live!

See.  I haven't been brave as of late.  I've been so beaten down with Shame.  Fear that I deserve to be mistreated or abandoned because I am broken.  My shame, and insecurities, started to become my identity.  As I stood there singing that song I remembered, in my spirit, how I challenged myself to be brave.  How I chose to surrender to God and trust him in my stormy seas.  I realized that I could be brave again.

And then worship happened.  They sang, "Shores" and then, "Good Good Father."

4.  The next song that changed my life has been, "Good Good Father." God used that song to heal a deep breech in my relationship with Him.  I finally found the understanding that God is my father.  Not just my Father, but He's Good.  Really Good.  And Trustworthy.  And He loves me.  It's who I am.

I had forgotten that He loved me.  My shame and insecurities were louder than that fundamental truth.

5. The theme song for the concert was, "Broken Vessels".  I wept as I sang it.  It has quickly become my new mantra song.  A reminder that I need to surrender.  Surrender it all.  Amazing Grace.  How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  Raising up the broken to life.

I wept.

It all sounds so cheesy when I type it up, but it really was profound.  Then God gave me that beautiful painting to show me that He knows my hearts cry and that He wants to dance with me  .

~~

Outside of the conference, my other profound moments were with Naomi.  She helped me be brave and do something that I didn't have the courage to do.  I have a hard time sleeping... but I crashed, deeply, and quickly, at her house.  I slept peacefully all night long and woke up rested.  Her place was so peaceful and full of the holy spirit.  She got up early to read her bible ... and I realized what I was missing.  I don't make time to start my day out right.  I haven't been trusting God with my future.  I've been too afraid that I was so broken that I didn't deserve more that what I was living.  I lost sight of God's Power that He promises in Ephesians.  I lost Hope too.

But, as I laid there, reading my bible, after a peaceful nights sleep, in my friends peaceful home... I felt something deep wake up within me.

It was awesome.

Vows and Promises

I have to confess I've felt a range of emotions, as of late, but the scariest of them all was the feeling of being numb.  I battled with the question:  "Am I really numb or is this just a manifestation of tremendous personal growth?"

I wanted it to be growth!

Yet, I knew that there were things happening in my life that needed an emotional release.  A catharsis of tears.  Crying, for me, is therapeutic.  When I cry it's as if I am releasing toxins out of my system.  Yet, I couldn't cry.  I just kept going forward wondering when the dam would break.

It finally broke today and what a blessed relief it brought.  Thankfully, what broke it, is a bible study that I started.  It's on the book of Ecclesiastes.  The first day talks about how our parents decisions, and vows, affect us today as adults.  They affect us emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.  It can aid us in lacking peace.

And, as I laid here praying about that thought, the dam broke and I found myself finally able to cry.

I believe, when 2 people come together, and make a baby, it creates a 'vow' to that child.  A promise that they will have a mother and father that will love them.  The baggage parents bring into a childs life affects their own personal live vows as they grow up.  Do the parents give the children a message that they are loved?  A mistake?  Do they challenge the child to dream or tell them they won't amount to much?  What kind of role model are they?  Do they force their children to create life vows to Never be "xyz" or are their personal vows more to model the type of parent they experienced?

Then there are relationship vows.

 I've been struggling with deep pain whenever I see Jason.  And, frankly, that pain has pissed me off!  I couldn't figure out 'why'!  I don't want to be with him.  He has turned into such a mean jerk. He won't communicate about the boys and the way he protects Nara against me, as if I am a danger to her, is flat insulting.  When I dropped my boys off, Saturday, I happened to watch Jason wrestling with one of Nara's sons.  I couldn't stop the tears that smarted my eyes.  I got out of there as fast, and graciously, as I could.

See, Jason vowed, before God - and Man - to love me.  To choose me.  In sickness and in Health.   He didn't keep his vow.  He didn't keep his promise.  He didn't love me. He didn't chose me.  He, normally, shamed me when I was sick.  He certainly didn't love my body or value my input.  He gas lighted me at every opportunity.  He let others hurt me.  He cheated on me with another woman.  He may not have had sex with her, but a spiritual and emotional bond is just as bad as physical sex.  I fought for him.  I fought for our marriage tooth and nail, but he just threw me away like broken garbage.

THAT'S why I was hurting.  Because, seeing Jason with his new family reminded me that he broke his vow.  He lied to me.  He did not choose me.

Another area that's haunted my heart is a guy  that I cared about a great deal.  He was my best friend and I was his.  He promised to come back, but didn't.  He found someone else instead.  Another example of a broken vow.

Friendships... when someone compares you to family, tells you they love you, I believe that's a form of a 'vow'.  Family is a life time thing (normally.)  So to compare you to family, but then check out of your life is another broken 'vow' that Hurts.

So there you go.  I could finally cry because I finally knew why I hurt so bad.  I hurt over all vows that had turned into broken promises and painful lies.

But, as I cried, I felt the holy spirit ask me, "What are God's promises?"

So I decided to ask Google  and it's AMAZING all of the promises God has made.  Promises to protect my children.  A promise that His love will never fail.  He is faithful in every way.  He promises that my sins are forgiven.  That He sent His son to die for me sot hat I might live.  He promises he sent Jesus as my mediator and the holy spirit as my comforter, convictor, and friend.  He promises peace, to comfort me in my trials, and that His love will never fail me.  He promises that there is no height, or depth, nor demon, no angel - nothing can separate me from His love.

He promises to heal all my broken areas.  He promises eternal life, friendship, and to complete His work in me.

And the beautiful thing about God?  His Yes is Amen.  He is not a liar.  He has never broken a vow and He never will.

Jason may have broken his vow.  My parents did.  Boyfriends did.  Friends have.  Family have.  Heck, *I* have!

But.  My God, who supplies all my needs, has never broken a vow and He never will.  He is trustworthy, honest, fair, loving, my husband, and My Father.  There is a GLORIOUS HOPE in that!

I thought I'd share some of what I found...


Here are just a few of the promises that God has made:

Promises of God in the Old Testament.

God promised to bless Abraham and, through his descendants, the whole world (Genesis 12:2–3). This promise, called the Abrahamic Covenant, pointed to the coming Messiah for whom Abraham looked (John 8:56).

God promised Israel to be their God and make them His people (Leviticus 26:12–13). Old Testament history is teeming with examples of God fulfilling this promise.

God promised that if we search for Him we will find Him (Deuteronomy 4:29). He is not playing hard-to-get. “Our God is near us whenever we pray to him” (Deuteronomy 4:7).

God promised protection for His children (Psalm 121). He was the vigilant watchman over all Israel.

God promised that His love will never fail (1 Chronicles 16:34). He is faithful in every way.

God promised Israel that their sin could be forgiven, their prosperity restored, and their nation healed (2 Chronicles 7:14). Repentance opened the road to fellowship and blessing.

God, under the terms of the Mosaic Covenant, promised prosperity to Israel for obedience and destruction for disobedience (Deuteronomy 30:15–18). Unfortunately, Israel eventually chose to disobey, and the nation was destroyed by Assyria and Babylon.

God promised blessing for all who will delight themselves in His Word (Psalm 1:1–3). Simple faith has its rewards.

Promises of God in the New Testament.

God promised salvation to all who believe in His Son (Romans 1:16–17). There is no greater blessing than the free gift of God’s salvation.

God promised that all things will work out for good for His children (Romans 8:28). This is the broader picture that keeps us from being dismayed by present circumstances.

God promised comfort in our trials (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). He has a plan, and one day we will be able to share the comfort we receive.

God promised new life in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Salvation is the beginning of a brand-new existence.

God promised every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3). Whereas, in the Old Testament, Israel had the promise of physical blessing, the church today has been promised spiritual blessings “in the heavenly realms.” Our inheritance is reserved for us (1 Peter 1:4).

God promised to finish the work He started in us (Philippians 1:6). God does nothing in half measures. He started the work in us, and He will be sure to complete it.

God promised peace when we pray (Philippians 4:6–7). His peace is protection. It will “guard your hearts and your minds in Christ.”

God promised to supply our needs (Matthew 6:33; Philippians 4:19). Not that we get everything we want, but our needs will be taken care of. We are more valuable than the birds, and our Heavenly Father feeds them (Matthew 6:26).

Jesus’ promises in the Gospels.

Jesus promised rest (Matthew 11:28–30). Burdens are lifted at Calvary.

Jesus promised abundant life to those who follow Him (John 10:10). Following Jesus brings us more spiritual fulfillment than we could have anticipated. We leave boring behind.

Jesus promised eternal life to those who trust Him (John 4:14). The Good Shepherd also promised to hold us securely: “No one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:28).

Jesus promised His disciples power from on high (Acts 1:8). In this power, they “turned the world upside down” (Acts 17:6, ESV).

Jesus promised that He will return for us (John 14:2–3). From then on, we will be with Him always.

There are many more promises of God that could be listed. All of them find their ultimate fulfillment in Jesus Christ, “the radiance of God’s glory” (Hebrews 1:3). “No matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ” (2 Corinthians 1:20).

Just to write

All I want to do is write.  I think about everything I want to say during the day, but once I get home all I want to do is veg.

But.  Not tonight.  I thought I'd try and get everything out of my head, through my fingers, and onto 'paper.'

I have cried a lot these last 2 months.  The shock of being dumb enough to put myself in a situation to be violated.  To discovered I was stalked, betrayed, and lied to ... God.  It was rough.  Truly Truly rough.

But.  I'm coming out of that dark painful hole.

I still struggle with the reality that there is no justice.  Jason will get away with everything he's done to me.  Knowing that challenges my faith.  It's made me question God's love.  It's made me question my value.  How could my father, and husband, let anyone DO that to someone if He loves me?

Yet, then I realize that He's the one who brought all of it to the light.  The truth wasn't pretty to look at, but now I finally have it.

I cling to this beautiful house like a corner stone.  I can't believe I am not only moving into a home, but a home I can afford with details of a lilac bush and a pom tree.  Only God would know the importance of that.

I read James and feel immense conviction.  My feelings of jealousy and betrayal aren't hurting Jason.  They are sinful and hurting Me.  I've found myself repenting for all of these feelings that have choked the life out of my beautiful smile.  Whenever I think of Jason's betrayal I find myself praying, out loud, "I forgive him.  I don't want to think about them." And then choose to redirect my thoughts.

And it's not that I want to be with Jason.  I don't.  It's the betrayal and rejection that hurts.

I have to wonder if the justice I want is actually going to come in the form of living a happy free life out of the grips of someone who never liked me.  Aren't I worth fighting for?  I know that I'm worth dying for because Christ died just for me so that I wouldn't be rejected or cast aside anymore.

I wouldn't have impacted certain lives if I hadn't broken out of that cult.  I woldn't know the friends that I know.  I wouldn't be moving into this house.  I wouldnt have a job at the city.

So.  I'm trying to forgive, move on, and look towards all that God has done instead of the memories of cruelty, hatred, and the ultimate betrayal.

True Pain

Man. I used to think I knew what pain was. Heck, I had quite a history with it. I could tell you I had known every form of abuse known to man. My testimony could bring tears to the eyes of strangers wondering anyone could survive what I survived.

That pain almost seems laughable. A drop in the bucket compared to the pain I've felt these last few weeks. Now I know what true mind numbing, heart wrenching, screaming sobs, painful betrayal really feels like.

And it's ugly. It's painful. It's scary. It's deeper than any ocean, wider than any crevice, and just flat ugly. I can't imagine any pain greater than this... yet I know it's possible. I know losing the death of a child can be deeper than screaming unabated, raging, griping pain. And, to whoever you are.... You have my deepest condolences. My deepest empathy. My deepest compassion. I ache just imagining what your heart, mind, and body must feel like. I don't know you, but I love you. With the deepest open love possible. I knew that Jason was in a cult. I knew that he was mean. I knew that he was cruel, but I never fathomed he could be capable of such heinous, conscious searing, choices. I knew that Ronnie Harris had some wacked out beliefs, but I never thought he'd support such repulsive choices. I always thought the good in those people would some how win over the evil. I never thought he could lie to my face. I never thought he could be capable of such hated. I never thought he would become an uglier version that his brother. That, alone, is a hard thing to attain. Yet, he has no sorrow. No apologies. He acts like he's a prophet of old exposing jezebel. He actually laughed at me about it. I feel so violated. I would rather endue the rape of my body than to experience this type of rape. It's heinous. It's evil. And this "Nara" woman. I'm told I can't hate her or blame her. Even though she openly pursued a married man. The sin lies soley on Jason because HE was the one I was in covenant with. I can't tell you the depth of betrayal knowing I was begging him like a dog for him to fight for us...and during that entire time he was with her. No wonder he didn't feel 'married' to me!!!!!! And then there's the kids. It is going to be the biggest challenge of my life to act unaffected by all of this. I made a big mistake today and unloaded on the kids after they got home from her house. Joshua actually cried. I did major damage control, repented, and fixed my mix up.... but I don't know how to continually handle hearing them sing her praises. Even tonight, as we sang our "love you song" we always come to a point where we list the people we love and Joshua listed that woman. No joke, I immediately started to cry because it hurt so bad. I choked the tears back and let them finish the song. How am I going to handle their wedding? And the fact that she's going to be their step mom. She will be at their weddings. They will be there together. Happy. Forever. That was supposed to be me. He was supposed to love me, chose me, and fight for me. And yet he's pursuing someone else and has been well before we were divorced. I just don't understand how Jason has gotten away with all he's done. Where is the justice? Doesn't God care that Jason has used HIS name to destroy a family and another human being? Doesn't he care? How can he say that Jesus is the son of God and yet have no conscious? It's the first time in my life that I don't like what the Bible says. I actually feel anger at the teachings of Jesus. I don't want to turn the other cheek. I don't want to love my enemies. I don't want to pray for them. I just want them to hurt as much as I am. :( He seems so peaceful. So happy. Singing the tune that he stayed the course, trusted God, gave up his family, and just like Job God is restoring it ten fold with this woman. And, I'm not. I'm broken. Devestated. Hurting. Confused. Still. I just don't understand. So. I cry. I cry a lot. I keep turning to scripture trying to find answers to all this pain. Trying to trust He really will turn take beauty from ashes. Taking one moment. One step at a time hoping it's the right step. Crying out for discernment and healing. Begging for Justice. Begging for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I just don't understand how God is allowing Jason to get away with all he's done. It's not fair.

Realizations

I've had a lot of reality shifts these last few days.

I'm surprised how little I miss facebook.  I haven't wanted to go back.  I thought for sure, by now, that I would be itching to return.

I found out that Jason, and his 'source' have been stalking me for over a year.  Yup.  Stalking me.  Heck.  They still may be on this blog, but I am not going to shut myself down because there is someone evil out there.

Then, as I drove to get Jadon, these realizations hit me like a ton of bricks:

Jason abandoned me, cheated on me, lied to me, stalked me, and abused me mentally and spiritually.  Yet, he still calls himself a 'righteous man.'

Finding out what he, and his 'source', have been doing has made me feel raped all over again.  However, what they've done feels far worse than what happened to my body 2 weeks ago.  What they did was premeditated.  What they did violated my dignity, my privacy, and my personal space.  What's sick?  They did it with no qualms.  No convictions.  Only sickening 'righteousness.'

I feel a tremendous amount of hated.  I know that it's not healthy for me to feel.  I Will process it.  I Will Heal, but at this moment my hatred feels justified.  I have never wanted any person to ever exit my life as much as I want my ex husband to just LEAVE me alone.   I do not want him.  I do not want to see him.  It's a beautiful thing.  I have made a lot of mistakes in this path called life.  Truly, a lot of mistakes.  I feel like an utter fool for begging that man to choose me. To choose our family.

Yet.  I don't.  I did the right thing.  I fought for my marriage and now I'm gladly moving on.  I am so glad I'm not with a man who would do all that he's done to me.  Nara, his mom, and his brother can have him.

Speaking of moving on...

I had some beautiful moments with my kids these last few days.  Joshua had a GREAT week at school!  He got a smiley face every day!!  So I took him out for a date with mom on Friday.  He got his favorite slushie and then we went to Cornerstone for an eauclair.  Here's a photo:

My beautiful boy was so excited and appreciative.  It was a beautiful date.  I am so glad I'm his mommy!

Jadon and I had a date today.  We went shoe shopping and then he got his beloved slushie.  I regret that I didn't get a photo!  But, we had a good time!  He loves his new shoes.  They light up different colors.  He's so charming. I was surprised when he chose the peach mango slushie flavor.  So nasty, LOL!  We held hands and loved each other in that hour.

Prior to that I went to bible study.  We are doing a book about prayer.  I'm kind of bored with it so far, but the end looks good.  I can't wait to read more about praying the various names of God.  It also goes over the names/roles of the holy spirit.

After Jadon, I grocery shopped and heading home.  I bought a pork chop from kendalls and came home to fry up onions/peppers/zucchini.  Now I blog while my feet are up.  I feel relief to know that I no longer have a man in my life that thinks it's okay to do all the horrible things he's been capable of.

48 hours. Things change quickly.

It's amazing what can happen in 24 - 48 hours.

I discovered Jason is a liar, a cheater, and out to hurt me.  Not in a physical manner, but most definitely in a psychological and hateful manner.  He actually introduced our babies to another woman 2 years ago.  I didn't think anything of it when she bought them Christmas gifts 2 years in a row because the 'story' is that she as just a nice lady in his group.  The kids have even called her 'family' which I corrected and told them no one in his group is 'family.'  Everything started adding up these last few days by the kids behavior, the things they were saying, and when I confronted Jason.  I was ship wrecked.  Devastated.  He didn't just abandon me for a cult, but he abandoned me for a woman.  A pretty woman too.  A woman my age, in his group, who has two small kids.  They have actually integrated the kids together.  I have never, ever, known such painful betrayal.  I couldn't stop crying.  It was horrible.  I knew that he was going to date.  I knew that his group would find him a woman, but I never fathomed he'd sink so low as to do it when we were still very much married.  Now I know why he's been pushing for the divorce papers to be filed so urgently.  It isn't for closure, its' to finally move on with "Nara."

Then I find out he's sent someone to spy on my facebook.  They have been reporting to him, but what they reported wasn't the full truth.  It was lots of twisted truth.  Twisted truth he willingly believed.

Did he ever love me?  Ever respect me?  How could I be with someone for half my life that has become such a cold hearted, calculated, hateful, betrayer?  To not only see the worse in me, but WANT to make it come out?  How can anyone claim to know Jesus and do that?!

I just don't get it.  I can't fathom how to live with such horrendous betrayal.  I truly hate him.  How could anyone claim to love God, and be a christian, yet refuse to apologize or own any of his damage?  It baffles me.

He actually called my job today to accuse me of something that had no merit.  He, and his spy, were finally busted in the act.  I couldn't believe his audacity... and then he hangs up on ME.  I had to choose to stop shaking and focus on the job I love.  And, I did.  I not only did that, but I got out of bed when all I wanted to do is wallow in my depression.  I chose to put a smile on my face until it felt less fake.  I chose to get my kids ready and stay calm even when Jadon pushed every button with his attitudes.  I chose to disconnect an avenue that no longer held growth for me.

I don't know.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of people walking out of my life so easily.  I wish I didn't fear the future.  I have to cling to hope like a life line.  All I want to do is be productive at my job.  To love my kids and to be loved by a man for the rest of my life.  I'm seriously starting to doubt if there are any good guys left.

But, I do know something.  I am done with joint birthday parties.  I am done with open communication.  He can call the teachers to ask about parent teacher conferences.  I'll call him for emergencies, but that's it.  I am so ready to move forward without his influence, in any way, with my life.  I'm done with his hatred, coldness, and lack of love.  He can sleep with his evilness and I'll sleep with mine.

Some day.  Some how.  God has to judge what he's done to me... right?  That's what scripture states and scripture doesn't lie.

And now I must find hope, because right now I don't see much.  I'm going to find ways to not be lonely.  I'm going to continue to be the best mom I can be, make friends, do a good job at my work, and try to lose weight again.

I want to thank the people who understood my rage, told me they were sorry for the pain I felt, and loved me through it without thinking I needed nothing but tough love.  Clearly, my kids will always come first.  I want to thank Laura who was at my house when a bogus police welfare check was sent to my home.  Who brought ice cream and held me in her arms while I sobbed.  For my friend Dennis who has been through a painful divorce, hugged me, listened, and then gave me truth in a way I could hear.

I can't believe he left me for a cult and betrayed me for a woman.  He never once fought for me because he didn't want me.  He never did.  I just wish she wasn't so pretty.

He is a true piece of work and I do not see God in him at all.

Finding my voice

I feel like I've lost so much.  I've lost my path, my dignity, my heart, my tears, my pride, but tonight I realized the greatest loss of all has been my voice. I'm not sure when I lost it.  I think I lost it in pieces.  I lost it when I found out someone I trusted was talking behind my back.  I think I lost when I I started making bad choices and felt like I had to hide them.  I think I lost my voice when my shame and pain became louder than my truth.  I think I lost my voice when I got tired of feeling like I had to hide.

But, tonight, I realized that I'm tired of hiding.  I'm tired of feeling like I lost a piece of who I am.  Not only by the choices that I've made, but mainly by the fact that I'm afraid to talk.

I was date raped.

I haven't pressed charges because I can't handle the legalities, the charges, the court, my responsibility in the disaster, or the fact that it'll be on paper forever.  I have talked to the police.  I have eliminated this person from my life.  But, it happened.  The flashbacks suck.  It's forever changed who I am.  I thought he was my friend and trustworthy, but all he wanted was what he wanted.

I can't tell you what it's done to me to realize I put myself in that situation.  Does that make it my fault?  I said, "no."  I said, "no" many times.  What's most shocking and terrifying?   I didn't fight him.  I didn't push him off of me.  I didn't run.  I just said, "no", and laid there in shock, covering my eyess as tightly as I could, wishing for it to be over.  And once it was over I curled up in a fetal position and sobbed like my very life was over.  And his response?  He told me not to cry.  That he did it 'for me'.  I had enough rage and words to tell him that it had nothing to do with me, but him.  Some how I managed to get my clothes on and drive home.  I don't know how I made it home.  I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe.  I shook from the inside out for 2 days straight.  I sobbed like I've never sobbed before.  Did I mention the shaking?  I was too afraid to tell anyone, but to the VERY few I told I always found myself cringing and sinking into the couch ... as if I just shrunk any lower that the memory would feel less sickening.  Maybe if I shrunk lower then the memory would feel more far away.  But, the memories didn't go away.  However, the shaking did diminish with time.

The biggest thing have been the questions.   Did I deserve it?  I said no, but I was also at his place.  Yes, I just brought him medicine, but when he asked me to come in I should have said no.  But, I was upset about prior bad choices I had made.  He promised me nothing would happen.  That he just wanted to be there for me.  He talked such a good game.  Even insisted on holding me while I sobbed, but truly he just wanted what he wanted.  And, he got it.  He took it.

I have talked to my counselor about this.  I told him every detail... almost begging him to tell me it really was my fault.  How could it be rape when it wasn't violent? Shouldn't rape be violent?  I said no, but my body responded... so does that mean I wanted what he did?  Do I deserve this because I was in his house?  Do I deserve this because I went 2 months being a little crazy, losing myself in dancing, 2 guys, and occasional drinks?  I fell hard for a guy who prayed every night with me, made me laugh, and introduced me to experiences and feelings I only dreamed were possible.  Once he walked out of my life, in such a painful way, I couldn't seem to close the pandora's box that he opened.  I felt cheated out of 'fun' since I had always been 'the good girl.'  Did that mean I deserved to be violated so badly?

The answer is, "NO."  I did not deserve that.  I said No.  But he chose to ignore my, "no" and take what he wanted.

So now what?  Seriously.  Now what?  I've lost so much.  I've lost the respect of my mentor.  I lost my own respect.  I lost myself.  I lost my voice.  I lost my dignity.  I may lose more after some read this, but I'm tired of hiding.

But you know what I didn't lose?  The love of my Father.  I didn't lose the love of my kids.  I didn't lose the love of my friends.  I didn't lose my life.  I didn't lose my bible.  I didn't lose the acceptance, and intercession, of my Jesus.  I didn't lose the Holy Spirit who is my best friend and my counselor.  I didn't lose my home that I have personalized.  I didn't lose a job that I love.  I didn't lose my heart that still wants to honor God.  I am still alive.  There has to be hope in that.

Want to know what else is amazing?  How quickly God has redeemed so much within me.  I have read the bible stories of the woman at the well, of the woman who was going to be stoned for adultry, and how Mary washed Jesus' feet with oils.  I read them all, but they didn't mean much to me.  They were just stories.  They weren't personalized... but they sure are now.  I can only imagine how the woman at the well felt when she simply went for water, but this man told her how many men she had slept with.  I can imagine he must have told her with such deep compassion in his eyes.  He stated the simple truth of her sin, but his love encompassed her.  Not his judgement.

Or how about the woman who had been caught having sex with a married man?!  My God.  Can you imagine the same.  The shock.  The mind numbing fear she faced as she was brought before men who were going to stone her to death.  Stoning was no joke.  It was painful.  It was slow.  Yet, Jesus took her by the hand and wrote words in the sand that caused all of the judging hateful men to turn around and go home.  And then he said simple words... "Go and sin no more."  He forgave her.  He saved her.  Her life.  Her body.  Her Soul.

And Mary.  The fortune she poured on Jesus' feet just to honor him.  To wash him.  To show her appreciation for the depth of hell He saved her from.  The hope she had when, prior to that, she must have hated herself as much as I have.  She humbled herself and used her very own hair to anoint the king of Kings.  The son of God.  She did that before the most judgmental hateful men alive.  The sanhedrin.  The pharisees whose pride knew no bounds.  Could I have had the courage, and heart, to do that?  To face even more judgment than I had already lived with?  Yet, she didn't care.  Her gratitude for being saved... her gratitude for having hope was far greater than any judgement she'd face.

I have repented before God in the deepest recesses of my soul.  I have wept and shook as the bible became real for me in a way it's never been before.  I messed up.  I messed up bad.  Yet, His love never left me.  He's forgiven me.  He's still talking to me and prompting me to do things differently.  He sent me a new friend.  He sent me a job that I love.  A busy job that pays my bills, has opened new doors, and keeps me super busy.  Just last night I knew that I needed to go to church so I made sure to go to the early service since I was working the 10am.  When I walked in I ran into a lady who has always been a cheerleader for me.  She hugged me tight, told me how beautiful I looked, and then told me she's been praying for me.  I choked up and held her tight.  Because, no one knows what I've faced.  She certainly didn't.  As she held me I saw her angel necklace and touched it.  She looked at me and said, "Do you need an angel?"  And then took it off of her neck and GAVE ME her Necklace.  I cried.  I insisted she didn't need to do that, but she said it was mine.  She wanted me to have an angel to know that I am never alone.  Only the closest people in my life know the deep meaning of that.  God was reminding me of my vision.  Reminding me that I'm not alone.  I'm thankful I finally started the lose the disgusting pride I carried at only being with 'one' man.  I am pretty sure that pride is what helped set up my swift fall.

And then the service.  It was all about our stories.  How we need to stop using our stories as a depressing crutch.  Instead, to use our stories as a threshold to push past because God has a plan for our lives.  To create a new spirit within me.  It was phenomenal.  I went up for prayer afterwards.  I told him that I went through a divorce.  He looked at me with such wisdom, love, and compassion and gave me tips to get through this.  And, then he prayed such a beautiful prayer.

So.  Here's my voice.  I was so lost, but now I'm found.  I was blind, but now I see.

God sent His son for the stupid.  God sent His son for the violated.  God sent His son for the prideful.  God sent his son for the hurting.  Jesus came and his blood washed all that away.

Now I just have to figure out how to live with the consequences of my choices and the consequences of others.