Here's the song on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PDKCFVcKnc
The chorus doesn't mean much to me, but everything else screams out the ache I feel. I have moments that are bright, but I wonder if all this heaviness will ever get better. The more I try to seek God the farther He feels. I wonder when this dryness and lack of vision will end and my happiness will begin. I've called out for help in a multitude of ways, but the same problems persist. I still feel like I'm standing alone waiting for someone to have discernment to hear me and help me. And Boy. I truly feel like anger was the price that was paid as my dreams fade away.
I don't pray that the Lord will take me home. Well, I take that back, I have in the past when the lies of suicide screamed loudly at me. Now I pray for the Lord to help me experience His kingdom on this earth as he promises. I want to experience the kingdom on earth - His peace. His Love. Lives being Changed. Truth. The Prophetic. Healing. I know His plan was for all of us to experience this HERE - Not just in Heaven.
Yet, I have been running from the throne for a long time. Isn't it 'funny' that we can be angry and bitter with the very Creator we were born to KNOW?
I realized, as I drove to a new church last night, that the abuse I went through in LJM is still real for me. I was experiencing intense anxieties, my stomach literally Hurt, and my head was swimming. I was scared of the unknown. I had to literally speak out loud to myself that I could always leave, that my kids would be safe, and that no one would hurt me. I actually had a very nice time and plan on going back. But, that experience made me realize that 11 years later I'm still wounded. I didn't realize that at all... at least not in that regard.
These last lyrics really permeate with me:
I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul
Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
~
That's EXACTLY How I feel. I know that life without Christ is not the answer. I know that my only hope is God. But, I do ache over all that has gone wrong. Being trapped in a town I hate. My life is full of anger and disappointment. There are many reasons, but a big one is that my dad and mom treated me weaker than the other kids. It is annoying and I do feel for the other orphans out there - whether natural or spiritual. I do feel stuck and i know that many others do - in and out of the church. I am so ready to be in a place in my life where there is no more crying. I so want to experience the fatherhood of God and find security in his arms on this earth. I want to finally grasp His Love for me and find rest for my soul.
I dont' understand why I've struggled my life. Why I still struggle, but I know there Has to be More that this life that I know. But, I'm still fighting to never give up and find strength in God's love... Because His word Promises He'll see me through.
I just want to stop feeling so lost.
"Forgive Me"
Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne
I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning
I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home
The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home
[Chorus:]
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left
I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul
Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne
I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning
I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home
The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home
[Chorus:]
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left
I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul
Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
