What a day!

I had an interesting day today.  I woke up feeling really low.  It's been a painful week juggling raging emotions that rose up after I felt hurt by someone close to me.  We had mediation on Wednesday.  The mediation solved the strife, but the confusion and hurt feelings still remained (just not as severe.)  I woke up feeling extremely depressed.  The old thoughts that life would never change.  My struggles would remain.  The old funk of a heavy head, despair, and sadness sat on me like a wet blanket.

As I cleaned up, I cried out to God asking him why scripture states He sends us help, but I couldn't see any help before me.

It was then I felt the Holy Spirit ask me, "Who are you seeking?  Death or Life?"

I Paused.  Really Paused.  How can I rail against the Lord for not sending me help when I'm seeking depression (and the death that brings) instead of God who actually sends help?

Even after that question I still felt dark.  I still kept railing at God (internally) when I asked Him WHY I'm still alive after all the torment I've gone through in this life time.  There have been a few times I've asked for death... even begged for it because I thought that was the only answer to end my lack of peace.  I was tired of dealing with the torment of depression, self hate, and fear.

It was then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me something else.  He said, "If the spirit of Death actually had authority over your life don't you think you'd be dead?"

I paused again. 

That question was huge.  Death has No authority.  The only authority it has is what we give it!  We may live a living death, but he can't touch your life unless God wills it.

Why do I let depression and despair gobble me up when it clearly has no authority to DO anything to my life.  I mean seriously.  WHAT have those emotions DONE for me?  Have they helped me?  Have they released me?  Have they given me joy?  A purpose?  No, just more death... but a living death.  So, in a way, I received what I asked for.  Yet, a living death is far worse then anything one could ask for!  There is No peace!  Yet, death has NO authority to take a life.  It can lie to you.  Deceive you.  But it never helps you!

The devil has lied to me.  He's lied to me when it said that death would bring peace.  But Death never brings peace.  The only thing that brings Peace is God.  The Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.  Jesus is the ONLY one who holds the keys to life and death.  God has always been faithful to help me, but it really is in His Mercy and Grace.  I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but my relationship with depression and despair is stronger.  How can He help me if I'm friends with such lies? There is no freedom in those lies.

Ever after those moments of revelations I still sat in my living room feeling extremely lonely and isolated.  I had been trapped in this house for three days (Joshua was sick two nights ago.)  I couldn't find anyone to have a play date with.  I knew that Joshua needed to get out of the house just as much as I.  I asked Joshua if he'd like to feed the ducks and go to the park.  So we did!  It was fun!  When we drove up to the pond the ducks surrounded our van.  I was too intimidated to walk amongst them (geese are mean!) so we opened up the van windows and threw the popcorn out.  Joshua was on the passenger side and I held Benji.  The laughter was intoxicating.  Ben threw half his popcorn back into the van.  After we were done throwing popcorn I took this picture:

This has to be one of my favorite photos! 

Afterwards we played on the play ground, dug in the dirt, and explored the area.  We went to McDonald's to eat.  I did Not cheat!  I got a glass of water.  I did okay until I saw someone eating a blast.  Drool.  Joshua had fun playing for an hour with a sweet little girl.  We came home and BOTH boys NAPPED wonderfully!  Yay!  We really enjoyed ourselves.

Jason came home feeling productive.  He decided it was time to move Ben's crib into the boys room.  I was/am not ready, but decided I better support the move since he was taking the crib down.  lol.  When it was all said and done we completely remodeled the boys' bedroom.  I like it!  I'll post a picture later.  I couldn't take one tonight because my flash wasn't working due to low battery.  I hope this was the right decision.  I hope it won't mean more stress.  I do not need more stress.  lol

Now to replace my facebook time with more then just my children, but also with personal time with the Lord.  I believe, if I can continue to draw close to Him, that maybe I can finally learn to forgive and have peace no matter what storm comes my way.

I think I'm doing okay with the diet.  My taste buds must be changing.  As I ate a salad the produce actually tasted good without dressing.  I actually liked the grilled chicken.
I was pleased with this photo I took today.  My face looks So skinny.  I wish I'd lose weight in my derriere/hips first, but it appears weight melts off of me from top to bottom.

Here's my skinny face photo:


In closing...

I love my kids.  I love spending time with them.  I love watching Joshua's brain as he figures out how to STOMP me in the ninja turtle match it game.  I love Jadon's eagerness to help.  Especially in the kitchen.  I love Benjamin's innocence and devotion to his brother.  I love it when he calls Jason, "nanny."  He can't say his D's yet.  I love my husband who works so hard to provide and take care of us. 

I miss certain foods, but I love my skinny face. :P