Snuggles

A blind spot in my parenting was revealed.  It was a rude awakening. I quit singing and rocking the boys to sleep once they started to sleep on their own.  I didn't do it out of a purposeful neglect.  It just never dawned on me that the boys might want that.  I always tell them I love them, hug them, kiss their heads, and express my pride in their abilities.  I rarely sit with them to watch tv or a movie with them.  I don't sit with them to snuggle.  I put the TV on, or a movie, to entertain them so that I can clean or get something done.  I play games, but I guess that's not the same type of quality time or love they need. 

I had this rude awakening upon moving Ben to the boys' room.  Ben is sleep trained, but I always snuggle him, sing a song to him, and then lay him in bed.  He never falls asleep right away, but that's our routine.  Once Jadon and Joshua saw me do that with Benjamin they asked if I would do that with them as well. I was really surprised!  So, now, before bed, I hold each boy and sing whatever song they request.  It's a sweet and beautiful moment.  I can't believe I've missed out of these snuggles for all this time!  They often want me to sing, "You are my sunshine." They always ask me to put their name into the song instead of "dear."

This goes to show that children, no matter the age, always want their mom to hold them, sing to them, and nurture their hearts.  I knew this, but seeing how important this ritual is has made that reality all to real.  I thought I was meeting that need in other ways, but it appears I wasn't.

Clearly, I won't always be able to hold the boys in my arms to sing to them, but I need to make sure they always feel this same type of connection even as they grow into manhood.

Snuggles.  Who would have thought they were lacking in that area.

He's Smart :p

I have been feeling a little bit of inner panic that Benjamin is behind the game with intellect.  I've felt guilty that I haven't sat with him to really teach him his colors, shapes, abc, or 123 like I did with Jadon and Joshua.  At this age they always had educational cartoons on (as well) because they were both into it.  I'm having to force Jadon to still enjoy the educational stuff that he's outgrown.  Actually, not just Jadon, but also Joshua.  They've already seen most of the tv shows since we don't have cable tv.  It doesn't help that Benji refuses to speak.  He'll say mom, dad, hi, apple, and a few other words.  Ben primarily communicates with his finger and yelling. 

I've been trying to do shapes with him.  The majority of shows I've let the boys watch are Bubble Guppies, Team Oomizoomi, and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  Within the last few days Ben has started answering team oomizoomi when they ask questions.  It's a mumble, but you can tell he thinks he knows the answer.

Just recently he can find all of the shapes on the shape square.  Tonight I was cleaning their room.  The puzzle pieces were in a big pile.  I set the puzzles out and asked him where the pieces went.  He found ALL of them!  There was a shape puzzle, car puzzle, animal puzzle, dinosaur puzzle, and something else.  I couldn't believe it! 

His little finger is only a representation of his brilliant brain. :P


Today I had a crazy experience happen.  I woke up feeling great.  Limited stress as I got out of the house.  I planned on going to the park with the boys and grandma.  I was going to get milk at the grocery store and stop at Beall's.  We were already to go when suddenly I started cramping.  I ended up getting sick.  I had to rush home.  Grandma graciously kept Joshua and even had me put his carseat in her car so that she could still take him to the park.  I am SO grateful.  I came home, still felt bad, took care of Ben, and when he went to sleep I crashed as well.  Jason graciously picked up Joshua and Jadon.  Then he took them to the park and mcdonalds for dinner.  Ben slept THREE hours which allowed me to get lots of rest.  I feel better.  I still have no idea what happened.  I don't think I ate anything to trigger that attack.  I have some anxieties, but nothing to trigger that event.  But, it seems odd that I would get sick for a few hours and then the fierceness of it go away.  I am starting to get hungry so hopefully it's gone.

I'm just so thankful to have a husband who takes care of us.

Please says a prayer for Jason's car.  The heat and AC went out.  We need a miracle that it fixes or the money to fix it.  He's planning on surviving without heat, but I don't think that's possible.  His windows will start freezing.  He won't be able to see when he's driving.  Thank you for your prayers on this matter.

Good Night, All!

Hello Monday!

Whew.  I don't have anything Huge to write, but I thought I'd just talk about all of the different things happening.  I'm going to number because it'll be easier to gather my thoughts. :)

1. The boys have transitioned very well to sharing a room.  I think Jadon enjoys the fact that Joshua hangs out with him a little bit, but is mainly focused on Benjamin.  He goes up to his top bunk and passes out well before Joshua and Ben fall asleep.  The last two nights we've discovered Joshua asleep in Ben's crib.  I just move him.  Whatever it takes to get them to be peaceful and GO TO SLEEP. lol


2. I'm actually having a hard time with this life change.  I thought it would be easier, but it's not!  I can't seem to grasp the idea that I "get" to eat healthy.  All I feel is that I'm losing out on what I want to eat.  I'm really at a loss for what I'm going to do when we're gone two weeks to visit friends and family.  I'm still struggling finding a salad dressing that I like.  It might be easier if everyone else was eating this way, but I feel guilty pushing it on them.  Jason is being VERY helpful!  He's making bread I can eat.  He's growing water keifer, kamboonchoo (spelling?), and helping me ferment milk keifer with cinnamon to see if I can find a taste I actually want to drink. lol  The boys liked lemonade water keifer!  I think I've hit a rut.  I need to continue to explore more options.  I'm starting to get lazy and eat the same things.  It's making me miss food I can't eat.

3. I haven't had a smoothie for a week.  I gave up drinking them because I was so disappointed the company, Greek God, doubled the sugar content in all of their products.  There terrible decision means I can't eat any of their yogurt!  I didn't eat much.  I would add 1-2 spoonfuls to my smoothies.  It was delicious.  I was unable to make a smoothie that tasted as good without it.  However, my BRILLIANT husband added a little bit of raw honey to my smoothie and it was GREAT!!!  He found the KEY to a tasteful smoothie!  Hope. lol

4. I'm temping every morning.  I'll report the findings on Friday.  My highest temp has been 96.0.  I wonder if that means my thyroid is messed up?  I dunno.  Taking 3 Cerenity is helping a little bit.  I think.  Maybe?  I don't know!  I start my progesterone again on Thursday.

5. Small group was nice on Sunday.  I really like Kim and Ronnie.  They really seem to love us.  I'm amazed at their thoughtfulness.  She used oat flour to fry the meat, made me cookies I could eat, and made gravy that was safe.  Plus she had yummy green beans with bacon as a side.  It's rare to find someone who is so supportive.  The alexanders (love them too) brought a homemade chocolate pumpkin cake.  It looked divine.  I sat at the tale trying to ignore the elephant in the room when Kim told me she made me my cookies.  It was so wonderful to NOT CARE that I was missing out on a homemade delicious cake.  Eating that cookie was a gift.  Ronnie is working very hard to help us as we need it.  I think I baffle him sometimes with my rollercoasters, but he laughs with me a lot and seems to love all of us despite our flaws.

6. I'm making my first BIG turkey tomorrow.  I got a 17lb turkey for free at albertson's.  We didn't have room in our freezer so I thawed it.  I'm nervous.  I hope it turns out.  I'll safe the chicken for salads, etc.  I'll also try out the gravy recipe I found using droppings, broth, and arrow root.  It'll be preparation for Thanksgiving.

I found this 'dressing' recipe I'm going to make for thanksgiving.  Will it be easy?  Will it taste good?  I REALLY hope so.

Recipe: "Safe" Dressing 

Mom will still make all of the food I normally drooled over... stuffing, dumplings, etc.  She's Graciously not going to buy a pumpkin pie.  I told her to buy an apple pie instead.  I don't care if I miss that.  I DID find a pumpkin pie recipe, but I have yet to convince Jason to make it.  (I don't bake. lol)

Recipe: Pumpkin Pie


7.  I've stated a new 'rule' in this household.  The boys MUST say Three positive things about the person they were just mean to.  We're running into a wall because the boys do not know how to compliment anyone.  All Josh wants to do is say that he likes it when Jadon plays with him. lol  That baffles me because I am the QUEEN of affirmation.  I'm trying to figure out how to have that light bulb turn on for them.  It did bite me in the butt!  This morning the boys were in full fight mode.  We were running late getting Jadon to school. ALL I wanted was for them to STRAP THEMSELVES IN.  I finally said, "Shut your mouth and strap yourself in!!!"  Joshua's little voiced piped up, with full attitude on his face, and said, "Mom,  It's not nice to say "shut your mouth."  Say three nice things about me."  I confess I chuckled in shock and then quickly told him three things I love about him.


8. Best moment of my weekend?  I was driving the boys somewhere when Jadon piped up and said, "Mom.  You know what I love more then anything?"  I asked him what that was and he said, "You."  I actually teared up and choked back tears after that.  I expected him to say rainbows or colors.  Nope.  He said me.  :)

9. I have discovered that I DO Have Self Control.  I used to think I didn't.  It's made me pull on an inner strength that I didn't know I possessed.  It also helps me see that I Can have self control in areas I call 'weak' or 'struggles'.  It's been a great eye opener.  I am proud of myself.


10.  Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers.  We really need it. 

Jadon with school - finding a friend and focusing on what the teacher wants. 
Me - that I get freedom/healing/answers. 
Joshua - that his heart is protected, remains tender, as we figure out how to parent someone who can be so strong willed and even hateful at times.  
Jason - Patience.  Stamina.  Love. 
Ben: well... that he stays cute. :P

As always, pray that the Lord speaks to our hearts, minds, and continues to show us who God, our Father, is in the midst of daily life.

Oh and prayers that we could move to a bigger place... and even bigger town would be an added bonus. haha

I found a Noodle!

I'm SO excited!  Jason found a noodle that I Love!  Yay!!!!!!!!  My Spaghetti has been REDEEMED!!!!!  Spaghetti sauce that I can eat with yummy noodles!!  This makes everything better.  I Love spaghetti.  All three boys liked it too!!! 

Here's a picture of my exciting and delicious dinner:





That said, that's about all the happy news I have.  Yesterday was a really hard parenting day.  Dr. Ben called me today.  I told him that I'm 99 - 100 percent on board with the diet, but that I don't feel any better.  He wants me to take 3 cerenity a day and take my temperature before I get out of bed every morning.  He thinks my blood tested false negative for my thyroid.  My cortisol test came back.  I was an 8 or 9 first thing in the morning.  Your supposed to be a 2 or 3.  So clearly my cortisol is killing my adrenals.  He said that I have to stay away from stress as much as possible.  That's comical.  I've given up two of my escapes (food and facebook) with very little in return.  I still feel depressed and I'm lonely.

I guess this means I need to use this time to focus on God.  That news shouldn't frustrate me.  I'm just sad.

I dunno, people, I'm discouraged.  I asked Dr. Ben if I was ever going to feel better.  He told me it would take time, but that it would happen.

I hope so.  I'm discouraged.

A Shopping Day!

This morning started off at the dentist office.  I am so proud of our older boys.  Jadon was scared.  Josh told him he'd go first to show Jadon that there was nothing to be scared of.  Joshua was such a trooper!  He was completely relaxed and brave!  Jadon wasn't quite as adventurous, but he followed his brother's example to the best of his ability. Tjhey both laid there and let the dental hygienist clean their teeth.   We were so proud!

After we had our teeth cleaned we went back to mom's (who was watching Benjin) to have lunch and do nap times.  When the younger boys went to sleep I asked Jadon if he wanted to run an errand with me.  I decided today was a day to shop for a pair of jeans.  I had a good coupon for jcpenny that I wanted to use.

Jadon and I had a good time!  I took a few pictures that I'll share in a moment, but I'm elated to tell the world that I have went down 1-2 pant sizes!!!!!!!!  I actually fit a size 12 TODAY!!  I was a 16 a month ago.  It's a nice feeling.  Really nice feeling. 

These are the jeans I bought today!  (I sucked my gut in a little bit with this photo. lol)  Look at how LITTLE I LOOK!  I can't believe it!

The front/side view with no flash!




I was torn between the dark and the light.  I posted this photo because it makes me laugh.  Jadon was being so silly.  It was cute!

I settled on the dark pair and then headed to mom's.  She wanted to go boot shopping for the boys.  Is anyone else SHOCKED at the lack of boys boots in this town?!  It's crazy!  We came home, cooked dinner, and then my kind husband helped me clean.  I was extremely overwhelmed with how messy our house was.  Thanks to Jason I'll face tomorrow a much happier woman.


On that note, I thought I'd share a few photos of our updated walls thanks to Deb and Bill! 

I still need to fill this frame, but I love it.  Aren't the crosses pretty?

This is what I look at when I sit on the couch:

However, with all of those photos, this one is my favorite from today.  I'm going to put it as the background on my phone.  Jadon is growing up to be such a smart wonderful little boy.  I pray the Lord gives us grace to help ease his high anxieties and to teach us how to reach our children's hearts.


Me and my Jadon:

Isn't that a beautiful photo?  His smile is so genuine.  We had a good time jean shopping.  I should post the multitude of pictures he took of all the fire alarms, sprinklers, and the neat tiled floor.


Good Night, World!  Tomorrow is going to be cold. Stay warm.  Now to figure out how to reach my Joshua tomorrow with his need for quality time.

Updating our house

Jason and I saw "Thor" yesterday.  It was okay.  It was my least favorite comic book movie.  The movie had a lot of holes. I didn't like the ending.

Last weekend Deb and Bill drove out to help me decorate our place.  I like all that they did, but this is my favorite outcome:

Isn't that beautiful?!  I Love that my favorite eagle picture is flanked by some of my smaller eagles.  My other 2 eagles flank the grandfather clock.  I just love this!  Thank You, Jason!!!

I'm also very happy with the outcome of Ben's bedroom Transition.  I like what we did with the bedroom and the transition has gone relatively smooth.  Jadon has had some reprieve with Joshua getting in his bed because he's too busy doting/helping Benjamin transition.  Joshua's love and devotion for the ones he loves amazes me every day.

I took two pictures to try and show you their bedroom.  It's hard to capture pictures because of the size of the room, but here are two:





Ben seems to like sharing a room with his brothers.  I have to admit we LOVE having our room back!  It's so nice to have TWO rooms to retreat to once the kids are asleep.  I'd post pictures of that, but it's still a work in progress. 

How am I?  Still Pretty lonely.  I miss my facebook friends.  I miss seeing their names, knowing about their lives, and having their input in my life.  I can't tell you how many times I still check my email and feel the keene sadness that my email is now Empty.  Bare bones.  But, I know that I did the right thing leaving facebook.  I'm sure I'll be released to return some time in the future, but that time isn't now.  I'm trying to replace my facebook time with present time with my kids, trying to make local connections, and time with the Lord.  I just hope I can make connections here.

On happier news... I put on a size 12 jeans just to see how it would fit.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was ELATED when I was able to put them on and button them up!  Granted, they are still too tight to wear comfortably, but I can get them on!  It's hard to believe I was wearing a size 16 a little under a month ago.  I don't feel any different.  I hope these food choices will get me the answers/relief/results that I'm hoping for.  I'm still having a very hard time finding a salad dressing i like.  It's forced me to eat less salads because they don't taste good.  The product, "Greek God Yogurt" changed their product and DOUBLED their sugar content so I can't eat that anymore.  A Huge Huge Bummer.  Huge.  But, I did find a delicious recipe for roasting a whole chicken that we all love.

I'm really struggling with the reality I must forgive.  I don't want to.  I don't even know how, but it's clear the Holy Spirit is demanding it of me.  It's hard.  Really hard.

Well quiet cyber land here's another blog for ya.  Thanks for letting me to type even if you are quiet.

What a day!

I had an interesting day today.  I woke up feeling really low.  It's been a painful week juggling raging emotions that rose up after I felt hurt by someone close to me.  We had mediation on Wednesday.  The mediation solved the strife, but the confusion and hurt feelings still remained (just not as severe.)  I woke up feeling extremely depressed.  The old thoughts that life would never change.  My struggles would remain.  The old funk of a heavy head, despair, and sadness sat on me like a wet blanket.

As I cleaned up, I cried out to God asking him why scripture states He sends us help, but I couldn't see any help before me.

It was then I felt the Holy Spirit ask me, "Who are you seeking?  Death or Life?"

I Paused.  Really Paused.  How can I rail against the Lord for not sending me help when I'm seeking depression (and the death that brings) instead of God who actually sends help?

Even after that question I still felt dark.  I still kept railing at God (internally) when I asked Him WHY I'm still alive after all the torment I've gone through in this life time.  There have been a few times I've asked for death... even begged for it because I thought that was the only answer to end my lack of peace.  I was tired of dealing with the torment of depression, self hate, and fear.

It was then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me something else.  He said, "If the spirit of Death actually had authority over your life don't you think you'd be dead?"

I paused again. 

That question was huge.  Death has No authority.  The only authority it has is what we give it!  We may live a living death, but he can't touch your life unless God wills it.

Why do I let depression and despair gobble me up when it clearly has no authority to DO anything to my life.  I mean seriously.  WHAT have those emotions DONE for me?  Have they helped me?  Have they released me?  Have they given me joy?  A purpose?  No, just more death... but a living death.  So, in a way, I received what I asked for.  Yet, a living death is far worse then anything one could ask for!  There is No peace!  Yet, death has NO authority to take a life.  It can lie to you.  Deceive you.  But it never helps you!

The devil has lied to me.  He's lied to me when it said that death would bring peace.  But Death never brings peace.  The only thing that brings Peace is God.  The Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.  Jesus is the ONLY one who holds the keys to life and death.  God has always been faithful to help me, but it really is in His Mercy and Grace.  I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, but my relationship with depression and despair is stronger.  How can He help me if I'm friends with such lies? There is no freedom in those lies.

Ever after those moments of revelations I still sat in my living room feeling extremely lonely and isolated.  I had been trapped in this house for three days (Joshua was sick two nights ago.)  I couldn't find anyone to have a play date with.  I knew that Joshua needed to get out of the house just as much as I.  I asked Joshua if he'd like to feed the ducks and go to the park.  So we did!  It was fun!  When we drove up to the pond the ducks surrounded our van.  I was too intimidated to walk amongst them (geese are mean!) so we opened up the van windows and threw the popcorn out.  Joshua was on the passenger side and I held Benji.  The laughter was intoxicating.  Ben threw half his popcorn back into the van.  After we were done throwing popcorn I took this picture:

This has to be one of my favorite photos! 

Afterwards we played on the play ground, dug in the dirt, and explored the area.  We went to McDonald's to eat.  I did Not cheat!  I got a glass of water.  I did okay until I saw someone eating a blast.  Drool.  Joshua had fun playing for an hour with a sweet little girl.  We came home and BOTH boys NAPPED wonderfully!  Yay!  We really enjoyed ourselves.

Jason came home feeling productive.  He decided it was time to move Ben's crib into the boys room.  I was/am not ready, but decided I better support the move since he was taking the crib down.  lol.  When it was all said and done we completely remodeled the boys' bedroom.  I like it!  I'll post a picture later.  I couldn't take one tonight because my flash wasn't working due to low battery.  I hope this was the right decision.  I hope it won't mean more stress.  I do not need more stress.  lol

Now to replace my facebook time with more then just my children, but also with personal time with the Lord.  I believe, if I can continue to draw close to Him, that maybe I can finally learn to forgive and have peace no matter what storm comes my way.

I think I'm doing okay with the diet.  My taste buds must be changing.  As I ate a salad the produce actually tasted good without dressing.  I actually liked the grilled chicken.
I was pleased with this photo I took today.  My face looks So skinny.  I wish I'd lose weight in my derriere/hips first, but it appears weight melts off of me from top to bottom.

Here's my skinny face photo:


In closing...

I love my kids.  I love spending time with them.  I love watching Joshua's brain as he figures out how to STOMP me in the ninja turtle match it game.  I love Jadon's eagerness to help.  Especially in the kitchen.  I love Benjamin's innocence and devotion to his brother.  I love it when he calls Jason, "nanny."  He can't say his D's yet.  I love my husband who works so hard to provide and take care of us. 

I miss certain foods, but I love my skinny face. :P

Priorities

Two nights ago I sat on my couch struggling with my failures.  I found myself sitting here asking God to help me, but not having much confidance that I'd get much direction. I was at a true loss trying to find a balance with all my life changes, struggles, and fears that things would never change.

It was at that moment that I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook account.  I've known, for quite some time, that I used facebook too much.  I've lost count how many times I've said, "I know that I use facebook too much, but it's my only source of communication.  It's a guilty pleasure with friends who care about me."


Oddly enough once I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to deactivate my facebook the idea gave me peace.  I felt a resolve that only the Holy Spirit could give.  I would never, ever, deactivate my daily source of input and communication on my own.

So, I did it.  I let as many people know that I could.  I didn't want anyone to think I blocked them.  I can imagine that would be the logical conclusion if one day I was there and the next I vanished completely.

It's been two days.  I have to admit I'm extremely lonely, but I know I did the right thing.  It was shocking to realize just how much I checked my email.  It's still shocking to see how empty my email is.  I used to have so many emails in my 'social' gmail folder from facebook.  Whether a comment made on my status or others commenting on status' I commented on.  I've actually found myself reading my junk mail just to be in contact with something that isn't in my house.

I'm ashamed to realize just how much time I devoted to facebook.  Time, and focus, that I should be using for my children, myself, and to reading.  And, of course, finally figuring out who God my Father is.  I need to tune deeply into that source of Life.

But, Man.  I miss Candy Crush.  I miss interacting with others.  I miss posting photos.  I miss the comments.  I miss sharing my life with others.  I really miss it.

However, I have to establish better priorities.  I also realized that I've used facebook as my form of communication SO MUCH that it stiffled me from seeking relationships that are tangible and face-to-face.  Maybe this loneliness will drive me to connect with a church.  People who can see my smile, or my tears, and encourage me on this journey.  People I can hug.  I'm struggling so much with myself.  I'm hoping this diet, and hormone replacement therapy, will make a difference.  I'm hoping I can finally learn to forgive.  I'm still stumped on that one.

Now I have to figure out how to meet 'my' needs without zoning out to an internet game or interacting with beautiful people that can't actually hug me.  I hate this loneliness!

The good news?  I'm working hard to replace my internet time with kids.  I made a delicious dinner tonight!  It was a homemade roasted chicken.  I used the bones to make my first chicken broth.  My crockpot will stew all night long.