Am I ever happy?

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about what's been happening in my life.  In the course of the conversation she told me, "In all the years I've known you I don't think I've ever seen you happy.  Well, outside of when you were pregnant with Jadon."  She stated another instance, but i can't remember what the instance was.  She didn't say it with malice or hatred.  It was an honest (to her) observation she had after knowing me for 5-6 years.

Her words have haunted me a bit.

Is that True?  Am I 'that' negative?

I know that my perspective definitely falls into the "glass is half empty" mode.  Most of my mother's family (that's the only side I was close to growing up) is the same way.  It's definitely something that has been ingrained in my DNA.

Yet, I, more then anyone, know that, as an adult, I can't blame my past on my present choices.  But, yet, it's NOT that easy.  I find it almost impossible, as of late, to rewrite my DNA that was written by my parents choices.  Plus, crappy things keep happening to me!  Really Crappy Things.  When crap hits me it's not like a tiny little pebble in the river.  They are always HUGE BOULDERS that take me days, weeks, or Months... some times years... to bounce back.

But I don't want to be 'that' person.  I don't want my kids to be that person.

I kind of feel like I'm going to have a panic attack worrying that I'm never going to change the awful things that marked my life.  Or that I'll never grasp who God is in my heart.  If God doesn't heal my heart then things will never change.  What if I always struggle with depression, negativity, and yelling?  That thought leaves me a little immobile.

I want to be happy.  I want to be free.  I want my heart to be healed.  I want to enjoy my kids more.  I want to laugh more.

I just want my heart to be healed.