1. I prefer to skin a vegetable with a knife instead of a peeler.
2. I not only LIKE cilantro. I Love it.
3. I can roast a whole turkey with tender juicy meat!
4. I don't like Kale in salads or smoothies. I don't like chewing my smoothies. Spinach is better.
5. The ninja (blender) isn't as great as I thought it was. It's great for salsa, but it doesn't grind fruit seeds or kale leaves thoroughly.
6. I always thought I loved strawberry and banana smoothies. However, I think smoothies taste better if they have blueberries and raspberries included.
7. I did not eat well balanced meals. I'm SHOCKED at how much corn fructose syrup is countless food items.
8. I'm discovering vegetables that I didn't know existed. Actually, the only vegetables I 'knew' existed were broccolli, cauliflower, and green beans. I thought corn was a vegetable. I'm still shocked it's a starch. Spaghetti squash is quite good... but NOT with spaghetti sauce.
9. My head has been clear for two days. Does that mean this diet is working?
10. Jason is an amazing support. I knew this before, but I see it so clearly. He's been so helpful making homemade salad dressings, patient as I cry over the loss of food, experimenting with me, and encouraging me to not worry about the extra money all of this is costing us.
11. Joshua's love language is quality time. My least favorite love language to give. Ha.
12. I need to forgive. My bitterness and resentment are killing me. I'm trying to refocus myself with that in mind as this diet stuff settles down a little bit.
13. I really like that Ellen chose Twitch (primarily) as her new DJ.
14. I don't know how to cook, eat, or like Most vegetables.
15. I like being in a large or medium size shirt. I also like being back in size 14 pants. I'd like to shrink smaller, but it's wonderful to see 14's again!
16. I love having a brother and a great sister in law. I'm SO excited for the opportunity to spend Christmas with them. To see my mom and uncle as well! It's amazing how many similarities we have even though we didn't grow up together.
17. This food/life change has helped me realize that I DO have self control. I CAN choose to Not eat junk food, wheat, corn, or dairy.... even if it's in my face. I realize this may sound ridiculous, but seeing this is helping me gain confidence that I can have self control in other difficult areas of my life. Primarily yelling. I Can refuse to yell even if my kids are pushing every button known to human kind. If I can refuse homemade chocolate chip cookies when every fiber of my body, mind, and soul is SCREAMING for a fix... well, I can have the strength to shut my mouth and not yell.
18. I have a whole new respect for drug addicts. Withdrawals are wretched. Hellacious. Horrid. Hard.
19. I love the Olive Tree application on my phone (it's PHENOMENAL), but there's nothing like touching and reading my NLT life application study bible.
20. My current favorite verse is Proverbs 25:18 "A person without self control is like a city with broken down walls." My bible explains this verse by saying (at the bottom), "Think of self-control as a wall for defense and protection."
Wow! When I operate in self-control I'm actually protecting and defending myself. Love that.
I realized I should probably blog about what's been happening since Friday. I wish I had done it right away in case I've forgotten something.
I went to see Dr. Ben via Ronnie and Kim's insistance. I didn't want to go because I was worried about finances, but they insisted - Jason agreed - so I went. I can't tell you how long I've been told I was depressed, but no one could help. I figured this would be the same thing, but I wanted to honor Jason.
I'm still, quite, shocked by what the doctor believes is wrong with me. I feel immense relief to FINALLY have a doctor tell me what's wrong. But, wow. I really am broken. My heart is broken (please Lord heal my heart) and so is my body.
1. He believes I have leaking gut syndrome. He believes I've had this since I was a young kid.
2. He believes I've been in 'fight or flight' mode since I was a baby.
3. I have low progesterone. Very low.
4.. The 'fight or flight' mode for 33 years. This has created a form of ptsd. My adrenals may be in failure mode (at the very least fatigued) because I've been demanding my body make such high levels of cortisol that it's had to take from progesterone (amongst other areas).
So, my gut is broken. It's leaking food particles into my blood stream. And, since my gut is broken it can't produce seratonin and melatonin. Did you know that the gut produces 70 PERCENT of all seratonin and melatonin for your BODY?!
Progesterone, Sera, and Mela are the hormones that calm you down. Oh, and Get this, if you have low progresterone then it's very difficult to get pregnant. And, if you DO get pregnant, it's very difficult to bring your baby to term. Jadon was a preemie and I had to be on bedrest with my 2nd and 3rd to prevent having another preemie. My body literally went into labor at 28-30 weeks with all my kids.
I have none. No wonder I'm always anxious. I'm not a failure with my parenting. I'm not screwed up. NO wonder I struggle with such horrid depression. I'm simply not producing hormones to make me happy, balanced, calm, or peaceful.
He put me on a hard (what I think is hard) diet to heal my gut. No wheat, corn, gluten, white potatoes/rice. No sugars past single digits. I'm waiting for my old doctors office to fax my current blood work to Dr. Ben so that he can order more blood work. He thinks I'll be put on hormone replacement therapy until my body can produce it's own hormones. He won't make that final decision until the blood work confirms his beliefs. (Which I can't imagine it won't.)
Please, if you think of me, pray for me. Pray this heals me. Pray I can think clearly. Pray I can live a life without depression. Pray this diet heals my gut. Please pray for God's discernment and peace as I figure the diet out.
Thank you.
A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about what's been happening in my life. In the course of the conversation she told me, "In all the years I've known you I don't think I've ever seen you happy. Well, outside of when you were pregnant with Jadon." She stated another instance, but i can't remember what the instance was. She didn't say it with malice or hatred. It was an honest (to her) observation she had after knowing me for 5-6 years.
Her words have haunted me a bit.
Is that True? Am I 'that' negative?
I know that my perspective definitely falls into the "glass is half empty" mode. Most of my mother's family (that's the only side I was close to growing up) is the same way. It's definitely something that has been ingrained in my DNA.
Yet, I, more then anyone, know that, as an adult, I can't blame my past on my present choices. But, yet, it's NOT that easy. I find it almost impossible, as of late, to rewrite my DNA that was written by my parents choices. Plus, crappy things keep happening to me! Really Crappy Things. When crap hits me it's not like a tiny little pebble in the river. They are always HUGE BOULDERS that take me days, weeks, or Months... some times years... to bounce back.
But I don't want to be 'that' person. I don't want my kids to be that person.
I kind of feel like I'm going to have a panic attack worrying that I'm never going to change the awful things that marked my life. Or that I'll never grasp who God is in my heart. If God doesn't heal my heart then things will never change. What if I always struggle with depression, negativity, and yelling? That thought leaves me a little immobile.
I want to be happy. I want to be free. I want my heart to be healed. I want to enjoy my kids more. I want to laugh more.
I just want my heart to be healed.
That sonship book is rocking my heart. I'm finally beginning to see that my heart is Broken. Truly Broken. the only way to heal my broken heart is to finally forgive all the travesties that have happened to me. I need to finally be a daughter to a God who can, and will, heal my heart if I only let him and seek Him.
I can't believe I've been a believer 14 years and I'm just discovering that my walk with God isn't Just about Jesus. Yes, Jesus is important because He is the SON and the ONLY pathway to God, his Father. But Jesus ALWAYS pointed Everyone Back to the Father. Not to himself. I'm realizing that I don't just want to be a Friend of Jesus. I want to be a daughter to the most high God. I want to REALLY experience sonship. I want to be able to call myself a daughter. I don't want to be an orphan.
It's a trip to think that our natural life should mirror our spiritual life. We have parents (or should), marriage, and friends. The relationship we have with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is the same. God should be our father, Jesus should be our husband, and the Holy Spirits role is to be our friend.
I've always prayed to the Father becasue that's what scripture tells us to do, but subconsciously I always replaced God with "Jesus". Or I simply thought of Jesus as God. Part of that problem could be the fact that I was apart of a denomination that believe Jesus was all three. I'm realizing how wrong I was. I wasn't just wrong, but that belief, or lack of belief, was sabotating the very freedom and relationship I was crying out for.
I decided to start reading my bible (I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the Olive Tree Bible Application) and highlight every verse that talked about God in purple. I'm floored!!! Has anyone else ever noticed how much Jesus talks about God?! How did I miss this?!
I came across John 5:22-23
"In addition, the Father jduges no one. Instead, he has given the son absolute authority to judge, so that everyone will honor the Son, just as they honor the Father. anyone who does not honor the Son is certainly not honoring the Father who sent him."
This verse stands out to me because I've always seen God as a Father, or dictator, ready to strike me with a stick when I sinned At one point, when I was in a cult, I was even told that God would strike me down because I operated in the spirit of Jezebel since I loved to minister more then I loved to submit.
Yet, this scripture clearly states that Jesus was given the absolute authority to judge. All this time I've seen God as a dictator who judges me and Failed me... when in reality He's the only one who has always Loved me. After all, God is love, right?
Ironically, because I've built a relationship and trust with Jesus, I don't believe He's failed me or wants to whack me with a stick. I believe Jesus loves me. I've actually mixed His role with the Holy Spirit.
I have a long way to go, but I'd like to think that it'll be shorter then I think once I submit myself to the Will of God. Some day I want to not only Call God "Father" with my mouth, but Live in a peaceful confidence knowledge that I AM a Daughter of God.
