The more I ponder this epiphany the more I see it's long lasting tentacle. I see how disappointment has changed the very way I think and process events and emotions. Rejection and Abandonment defiinitely go hand-in-hand with disappointment. Disappointment that my father didn't feel he could be in my life. Disappointment that my mother didn't realize her choices were affecting me. Disappointment that my years of being a child and teenager were often horrific, difficult, and very painful. Disappointment that I had to live with friends as a teenager because it wasn't healthy to live with my mom. Disappointment that I spent holidays with friends and their families who loved me, but it was never 'my' family. Disappointment in having to flee Minnesota to break ties with my mom. Disappointment I ended up in a cult. Disappointment marriage wasn't what I thought it would be. Disappointment in myself as I make repeated bad choices. Disappointment that I had to do the mothering/parenting thing without family support. Or the support of people who claimed they thought of me as a daughter. Disappointment in leadership of churches who don't know what to do with me. Disappointment in being perceived wrong.
The list goes on.
I can't tell you how powerful this discovery is. I feel like I finally have a name to identify what actually triggers me. What triggers my depression. What triggers my feelings of rejection and abandonment. The thing that has hurt me deeper then any hurt could go.
I was discussing this in detail with a beautiful friend when she said, "It sounds like the Lord is trying to show you that you can parent and live your life without people influencing your life like a mother or a father. He wants you to know that you can do this, and do this well, with just God."
Her words have left me in a state of meditation. Is she right? Is that why God has allowed me to be (what feels) family-less? With the loud echo of peoples footsteps as they've gone about their business, but not remained in my life in the fashion THEY said they wanted to be? Where I've had to figure life out by the seat of my pants with whatever mercy and grace the Lord gave me?
As I drove into town this morning I found myself pondering that thought when it struck me... The Lord wants me to know Him as my mother. As my father. And as my friend.
I realize that sounds extremely corny. It sounds like a bunch of 'christianese' or hyperspiritualizm, but it's true. I think once I'm able to see Him as my Mother, my Father, and my Friend then I won't seek to find that in humanity. I will no longer be left disappointed in something people cannot give me. No matter how many times someone has wanted to 'adopt me' whether spiritually or naturally it always ends up in a bust because I was not formed in their womb. I am not their child and my children are not their grandchildren.
So that's my quest. To finally banish this deep deep root of disappointment. To find my source of love, joy, and peace in the only source who will always love me, have my best interest at heart, and who wants to know me for the kind of person, mother, wife, or friend that I am.
All my life I've cried out to God to have family. I think it's time I finally realize that He is my family. He is the mother I've always wanted. The father I used to cry to sleep wanting to have. The friend who won't reject or abandon me. I can find my support, love, and unconditional love in Him. No, he can't watch my children or be with me on holidays, but he can whisper to my heart when I'm lonely, heal my inner wounds, and teach me how to be the mother, cook, and woman I desperately want to be. He can convict me when I do wrong and encourage me when I do right. He can be the parent(s) I've ached to have my entire life.
I really hope I can finally be cured of all this pain that seems to rear it's ugly head once I experience disappointment. I don't want rejection and abandonment to influence my life anymore. I want to feel connected to someone who will always be there. I want to finally experience the kingdom of heaven... which I've recently discovered is simply living in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.
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