Disappointment

Recently the Lord has been showing me how deep the root of disappointment permeates my life.  I find it very interesting because I've always thought that the feelings of rejection and abandonment were the undercurrent within the relationships I've encountered.  However, now I realize that I feel those emotions after I feel disappointed with a situation or person. 

The more I ponder this epiphany the more I see it's long lasting tentacle.  I see how disappointment has changed the very way I think and process events and emotions.  Rejection and Abandonment defiinitely go hand-in-hand with disappointment.  Disappointment that my father didn't feel he could be in my life.  Disappointment that my mother didn't realize her choices were affecting me.  Disappointment that my years of being a child and teenager were often horrific, difficult, and very painful.  Disappointment that I had to live with friends as a teenager because it wasn't healthy to live with my mom. Disappointment that I spent holidays with friends and their families who loved me, but it was never 'my' family. Disappointment in having to flee Minnesota to break ties with my mom.  Disappointment I ended up in a cult.  Disappointment marriage wasn't what I thought it would be.  Disappointment in myself as I make repeated bad choices.  Disappointment that I had to do the mothering/parenting thing without family support.  Or the support of people who claimed they thought of me as a daughter.  Disappointment in leadership of churches who don't know what to do with me.  Disappointment in being perceived wrong.

The list goes on.

I can't tell you how powerful this discovery is.  I feel like I finally have a name to identify what actually triggers me.  What triggers my depression.  What triggers my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  The thing that has hurt me deeper then any hurt could go.

I was discussing this in detail with a beautiful friend when she said, "It sounds like the Lord is trying to show you that you can parent and live your life without people influencing your life like a mother or a father.  He wants you to know that you can do this, and do this well, with just God."

Her words have left me in a state of meditation.  Is she right?  Is that why God has allowed me to be (what feels) family-less?  With the loud echo of peoples footsteps as they've gone about their business, but  not remained in my life in the fashion THEY said they wanted to be?  Where I've had to figure life out by the seat of my pants with whatever mercy and grace the Lord gave me? 

As I drove into town this morning I found myself pondering that thought when it struck me... The Lord wants me to know Him as my mother.  As my father.  And as my friend.

I realize that sounds extremely corny.  It sounds like a bunch of 'christianese' or hyperspiritualizm, but it's true.  I think once I'm able to see Him as my Mother, my Father, and my Friend then I won't seek to find that in humanity.  I will no longer be left disappointed in something people cannot give me.  No matter how many times someone has wanted to 'adopt me' whether spiritually or naturally it always ends up in a bust because I was not formed in their womb.  I am not their child and my children are not their grandchildren. 

So that's my quest.  To finally banish this deep deep root of disappointment.  To find my source of love, joy, and peace in  the only source who will always love me, have my best interest at heart, and who wants to know me for the kind of person, mother, wife, or friend that I am.

All my life I've cried out to God to have family.  I think it's time I finally realize that He is my family.  He is the mother I've always wanted.  The father I used to cry to sleep wanting to have.  The friend who won't reject or abandon me.  I can find my support, love, and unconditional love in Him.  No, he can't watch my children or be with me on holidays, but he can whisper to my heart when I'm lonely, heal my inner wounds, and teach me how to be the mother, cook, and woman I desperately want to be.  He can convict me when I do wrong and encourage me when I do right.  He can be the parent(s) I've ached to have my entire life.

I really hope I can finally be cured of all this pain that seems to rear it's ugly head once I experience disappointment.  I don't want rejection and abandonment to influence my life anymore.  I want to feel connected to someone who will always be there.  I want to finally experience the kingdom of heaven... which I've recently discovered is simply living in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. 

"Wearing Disappointment"

This morning I chose to go to church.  I was mildly excited because all of my boys were healthy enough to be at church!  It was hard listening to the kids ask Jason if he was going with us.  We actually got into, yet, another disagreement about it.  It's so hard to honor his strong convictions about his dislike of the 'institution" of a church.  He's most definitely a believer, but he doesn't believe churches are what they are supposed to be.  For years I let that stop me from going to church, but now I'm trying to chose between 2 different churches.  They both have their pro's and cons.  I want to figure out which one to dive into!  I decided to go to the more charistmatic church because that's where I felt prompted.  I figured I could go and finally decide where I'm supposed to plant myself and my 3 boys.  Once I got there I realized I really didn't want to be there.  I know it's because of an offense so tried to just plug in and tell myself to 'get over it.'  The message was good, but it really didn't penetrate.  At the very end of service they were having a beautiful moment with the Holy Spirit.  The pastor asked everyone to ask the Holy Spirit what He wanted to say to them.  To sit there and listen.  I sat there feeling like an impenetrable wall... when all of a sudden I started to think about all of my hurts.  I had memories flash through my mind.  I was questioning the point in thinking about these situations when all of a sudden I heard myself pray, "Lord.  I'm so disappointed."  The moment I articulated the root of my wound I felt something break.  I wept.  I just kept telling him, "I'm so disappointed.  So disappointed" and I openly wept in my seat.  I realized that, in trying to be mature and 'move on', I had picked up my disappointment like a cloak.  I wore it to keep my hurts warm and then literally shut down.  I didn't know how else to be around people when I felt so wounded.  Without realizing it, I had shut down to try and protect myself.

2012 wasn't a great year for me.  I had beautiful highlights... I birthed my third son into this world.  His smile, love, and personality will forever mark my life.  I worked hard and lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I made, and cultivated, a few specific friendships that I believe I'll have in my life - in some form or other - for many many years to come.  The Lord showed me His Love and Faithfulness in financial ways that leave me humbled and so very thankful.

However, 2012 was also marked with much pain, fear, and keene disappointment.  I didn't listen to myself and ended up with a horrific birthing experience that left me in pain for months.  I was worried I'd never be able to hold my baby or function 'normally' ever again.  I experienced post partum depression that still makes me shake in my boots.  There were nights I could only cry out to God as I seriously contemplated abandoning my family or committing suicide.  I experienced disappointments with women that I thought would be able to support me, or even reach out to me, due to their 'title'.  I took people for their word when they said they'd call, but never did.  I had a family member resurrect herself in my life only to tear me down brutally.  I left a mom's program that I was apart of for 3 years because I was tired of being mistreated and felt there was nothing else to do but retreat.  I had someone I thought of as a mother say words to me that may haunt me for the rest of my life.  We haven't spoken since and I don't know if that relationship will ever be restored.  Having those words spoken to me triggered me bad.  I'm still haunted by the thoughts of, "If she would say this then maybe there something really wrong with me.  Maybe I am THE problem... A problem."  And finally, a week after that keene betrayal, I was told I wasn't allowed to return to a local mom's group because of half truths, lies, and full out slander.  I saw how isolated Joshua had become so I considered returning with hopes I could avoid the individuals who didn't like me.  However, I was mistreated, yet again, by leadership of a church.  When I went to the source there was no apology.  Even after I confronted the slander and proved their perceptions were wrong... No apology.  That experience didn't just hurt me, but my sons who won't be able to be apart of a program that helped all of us socialize. 

It was after the last two, very painful experiences, that I felt myself shut down.  I was so hurt that it took all I had to just get out of bed and try to function for the boys.  After a few days of crying I realized that I couldn't stay in that place so I thought I chose to forgive the situations, but that was a lie. I 'thought' I was being mature and handling it properly, but now I realize I had retreated within myself and wore my disappointments like a protective cloak.  I haven't read my bible or worked out for over a month.  I knew I'd feel better if I did those two things, but I couldn't seem to find the desire to do so.  I just put a smile on my face and plugged on trying to be a better mother, decent wife, and all around decent human being.  Little did I know I was rotting inside my cloak of disappointment.

I don't know what the year 2013 will bring.  I don't really know what to do with all my hurts and disappointments, but I realize now that I wasn't handling things as maturely as I thought I was.  I have to figure out how to acknowledge my disappointments and forgive.  Is it possible to forget painful things?  Or to remember them without feeling the sting of hatred, bitterness, and pain?  I don't know, but I have to finally figure it out.  I deserve better.  Jason deserves a whole woman and so do my kids.  I can't pretend I'm not wounded, but I also can't live in that pain either.  I need the Lord to show me how to really forgive and take the sting of all this disappointment away.

So here I am.  Taking my cloak off, acknowledging my disappointments, and figuring out how to make the rest of my life more whole.  I'm thankful the Holy Spirit revealed the truth to me.