Yet, as time goes on, I find myself wanting to write everything down so that I don't forget. His birth story may not be the happiest, but it is Benjamin's story coming into this world... and my story in living through it.
Birth Story:
My story starts on January 30th, 2012. I woke up with no contractions and went to my weekly doctor appointment. I was there about a half hour when I started to feel contractions. I ignored them because I had experienced their 'teasing' embrace for nine weeks. I confess I decided to schedule an induction on the following Friday morning with the thought that I could cancel it if I wanted. The doctor made me an appointment for the following Monday in case I decided against induction. I scheduled the induction because I was stressed about Jason's time off and a few other factors, but I REALLY wanted to go into labor naturally. I left the doctors office feeling anticipatation about my near future ... and as the day wore on the contractions kicked in and seemed to grow in intensity. I couldn't walk while having them and they definitely took my breath away so I called Jason at work and told him I really thought it was time. I didn't make that decision lightly. I really really thought that it was time.
I should point out that I had made a promise to Jason, and declaration to myself, that if I went into the hospital I was coming home with a baby. I truly didn't believe I'd go into the hospital unless it was TIME. I knew that I had done inductions with my previous deliveries so I wasn't overly worried about doing an induction because I knew I'd end up with an epidural either way.
So, I called Jason, and made the preparations for the kids and Allizah to go to MIL's. It took 2 hours to get that in order! I met Jason at home, we dropped everything at MIL's, and then grabbed a quick bite to eat at Arby's. I was so excited that it was finally time and that he'd be born in January! Mandi, my friend and birth mentor/encourager met me there, wheeled me up, helped get me settled, and told me to call her when it was time. Yay! ....However, once I got there my contractions STOPPED and it became obvious there wasn't going to be a baby unless I chose induction. Jason didn't want to leave without a baby, and I didn't either, but I was so torn because I really wanted to do it as naturally as I could. I spoke to my doctor and he said that I was in the drivers seat. I could go home or I could do an induction. He wasn't worried either way. (I was 39 weeks.)
So, after hours of agonizing over my decision, I decided to do an induction. In hindsight I really wish I had just gone home, but I had no idea what was about to happen! No one did.
The induction process started around 1am.... maybe 2am. It's hard to remember. I was nervous (as always). The anestilogist guy came in to give me an epidural. I wanted to see his face and talk to him, but before I knew it I was being put into position. I freaked out because I was so scared to get the epidural (I always am), but he said he was confidant, had done thousands, and not to worry.
Well, in the end, there was reason to worry because his over confidence made him try to put an epidural in when I wasn't in the perfect position. I remember feeling liquid coming down my back and saying, "that's not normal. I don't remember that happening before." It even took several tries, but my epidural was finally in and we could start the process! Pitocin was put in my IV and I prepared myself to have a little nap. The anesthesiologist left since it was in the middle of the night thinking all was hunky dorey.
A short bit later I noticed that I was feeling contractions on my left side. I ignored them at first, but they continued to grow in intensity. I told the nurse, who called the anesthesiologist, and she came back to me saying he had given me the highest dose possible and nothing more could be done. I would have to labor through with NO PAIN MEDS until the baby was born. I take that back, she did offer me stadol, but that didn't do a DAMN THING. (Sorry to cuss, but it's the truth.) I refused it at first, but when the pain got so intense I gave in because I was desperate for pain relief!
It was at this time that she checked me to say that I was dilated to a 5. I had gone from a 2 to a 5 within 2.5 hours. I knew the pain I felt at a 5 was nothing like the pain I'd feel at 9cm. I freaked out. I literally sobbed and became hysterical knowing what I was going to go through and TERRIFIED of it.
I dilated from 5 centimeters to a 10 in 3-4 hours. The pain is something I could only describe as horrific. I tried my hardest to breathe through it, but by the time I got to a 9 I really lost my mind. Jason and the nurse kept telling me to 'breathe through it', but yet none of them would breathe with me to help me remember HOW to BREATHE THROUGH IT. lol I'd end up hyperventilating in which the nurse would tell me my baby wasn't getting enough oxygen. They tried to put the oxygen mask on me, but then I felt like I was suffocating. I begged Jason to wipe my face with a cold rag (I was SO HOT), but he didn't do it gently and I'd get frustrated, but then beg him to do whatever he could to cool me off.
I became that woman you see in movies that threatens people, cusses, cries, threatens to never have sex again, hates all men, and begs for it to end. I begged the nurses to call the anest. and have him come in to give me another shot, but all they'd tell me is that there was nothing he could do for me. (I later found out that wasn't the truth. If they had just called him he could have done something for me.)
The shift changes are at 7am so the new nurse, bless her heart, had to deal with my last hour of delivery. She didnt' like me much and I can't blame her. I literally remember looking at her and saying, "I can tell by the look on your face that you don't like me much, and i don't care." At one point the ONLY relief I had was to sit straight up, but they couldn't read the babies heart beat so she and Jason were yelling at me to lay back down... but when I laid back down the pain was TEN times worse. Jason was even pushing me backwards and I was yelling at him to stop touching me. It was terrible. Really Truly Terrible. At one point, at the very end, I screamed so loud my throat hurt later that night. It was so bad that around 8cm Jason looked at me and said, "Janine, I swear I'll never touch you again until I have a vasectomy." We had already agreed on that fact, but I tell you, after this last delivery, I'll never ever go through that again. Especially since I know that epidurals don't work for me.
At the very end she checked me and told me I was a 9, but still had some of my cervix. It was at that point I really did lose it. I was trying to breathe through the contractions, but at that point I just screamed instead. (I'm pretty sure that's why my throat hurt so bad later that night.) I just couldn't imagine any pain worse then what I felt at that moment and here she was telling me that it wasn't quite time!!!
A short bit later (maybe 10-20 minutes) I knew it was time. I felt the urge to poop and I told her so. I knew the doctor was close by and I told her to go get him now. I wouldn't let her check me because when she did the pain was far worse. She started walking to the door and I told her, "Don't walk; RUN!" Before I knew it Dr. Driskill was in the room (he really is an amazingly gentle, kind, and wonderful doctor. When he was in the room he really helped me to focus.) I told him I had to poop and he just simply said, "If you feel the need to push then push." He was so calm when he said it. Oh man, I can't tell you how much relief you feel when you finally get to push. I only pushed a few times and our little Benjamin came gushing out. There really is no feeling like it! I was scared about tearing but I barely did. I tore horribly with my first two and I was scared I would with Benjamin as well. The irony is that I'd much rather have torn that deal with what I'm dealing with now. However, I do thank the Lord that was one issue I didn't have to deal with!!!
They showed me Benjamin and took him to the heat lamp. I was told he was only 5lb and 11oz. I felt fear when I was first told his weight because he was smaller then Jadon! Jadon was our PREEMIE and couldn't breathe on his own. My first thought was, "oh no, somethings wrong." But that's not the case! Benjamin is pure health, vitality, and sweetness!
However, as Dr. D fixed me up I heard him tell the nurse that I needed to get a blood patch. I asked him if I had lost a lot of blood; if I was okay. He told me no I hadn't and not to worry. Okay...
A short bit later the anesthesiologist walks in and tells me he has to do a blood patch. He didn't really explain why, but I didn't really ask either. I'm told they just need to draw some of my own blood and put it in where I had an epidural. Okay... the nurse tries to get blood, but FISHES in there and hurts me. I told her how bad it hurt so the anest. takes over, uses a hand vein, blows it, but gets the blood he needs. Then they tell me to get into the epidural position. I do, but no one bothered to tell me it would BURN when the blood was injected. I was startled, but the nurse kept me in place.
He finishes, takes the eppy out, and I feel relief because I'm FINALLY DONE!!! YAY!! Time to nurse, recoup, and have a baby!
Post Partum:
The next 24 hours were nice. We spent time in the post partum, I had a wonderful wonderful nurse, my baby was healthy, I didn't tear bad so that looked promising, and I was excited to go home. The administration apologized to me for the way things were handled. The anest. guy came to me twice to apologize, said he could have done more if notified, etc. I was able to see the mistakes made, but at that point I didn't care because as long as he didn't hurt me permanently then I just wanted to go forward and go home. We came home on Wednesday afternoon with the boys.
Then Thursday hits. That morning I woke up with a headache, but didn't think much of it. However, as the day wore on the headache only got worse and nothing seemed to take the edge off. I called the doctor and she told me it might be a spinal headache if I found relief when laying down. If I did, then I needed to go to the ER. I cried on the phone with her. I got off of the phone and decided to just watch it. I did NOT want to go to the ER.
I prayed, prayed, and prayed, but I couldn't ignore the fact that the only way I got relief is if I laid down. I went to sleep that night with hopes I'd wake up Friday morning feeling great. I did ... that is until I stood up... and within a short amount of time I was in agony. I told Jason we had to go to the ER so we packed up and headed in. By the time I got there I could barely walk straight. I had called the doctors office so they could inform the ER I was on the way. Agony. Just pure agony.
Mandi, God Bless her, met me at the ER and sat with me for hours as we waited. Jason couldn't stay there because the ER didn't want a newborn around. We completely respected that. He'd come, let me nurse, and leave again. I told the nurses that I wanted a different anest. to do the blood patch (I assumed that's what I would do) and then I'd go home. Finally, hours later, the doctor came in, interviewed me, and left. She said she wanted me to get an IV to get fluid... i agreed, but the nurse who came to do it was terrible! She put the needle in and kept fishing to stick it in my vein. I literally told her to stop, take it out, and that I refused to have an iv or give blood. I just wanted the patch and be sent home. At this time I was alone because I told Mandi to go back to work and I'd call her when it was 'patch time'. The ER doctor comes back and simply states that she spoke with Dr. Driskill and the head anest. of the hospital and they decided to admit me and do a caffeine drip instead of a patch. Then she walked out. I admit I freaked out AGAIN. I just laid in that bed, all by myself, bawling. What did that mean? Could I have my baby with me? What about the patch? I was so scared.
Dr. Driskill came in a little bit later and explained that no one wanted to do the patch since I had already had one. It was invasive and they didn't want to disturb an already irritated site. The caffeine drip was 70 percent effective and they preferred to go that route first. He told me they would admit me in the post partum section so Benjamin could be with me. (While Dr. D was talking to me a male nurse came in and gave me a very painless IV. I thanked him profusely!) Dr. D's explanation made sense and that calmed me down. It was sometime around 3pm when I was taken up. My nurses were AMAZING. I can't say enough for the post partum section in our hospital! They moved mountains to get me dinner, made me laugh, were so kind, apologetic for my situation, and just made you feel better.
As the night wore on I realized that I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I never drink caffeine and that drip was pure. Around five am I started to feel a little insane. I had barely slept in days and now it was turning into daylight. I couldn't think straight and I felt a panic attack starting to hit. I just didn't know what to do. My head still hurt so I didn't think the drip was working, I couldnt' sleep, I couldn't think ... I couldn't even enjoy my baby anymore. It was then I asked for a sedative. You have to know that I DON'T take meds. I really don't, but I knew if I didn't find some kind of relief I was going to lose it. The nurse called Dr. D and he said I could take a xanax. I was worried about my breastmilk, but I also knew if I didn't take care of ME I couldn't take care of Ben. I agreed to take HALF a pill (.5 mg). That pill knocked me out. Literally. When I woke up four hours later I could barely move my limbs and I had to focus on my breathing to ensure I really could. I'm not sure how I made myself stay calm through that feeling (I guess that was the meds), but I did.
Ironically, when I woke up, to the nurses checking in on me I saw one of my dear friends, Kimberley Norman, standing there. Of ALL days (the first day ever) she was working in post partum for her clinicals. I remember thinking, "great, she's seeing me doped up" ... but then I also felt safe seeing a face I knew. I truly believe that was just another 'little' thing the Lord did for me. I finally was able to shake the effects of the xanax, felt a little human, and then I called Katrina Fuller to ask if the xanax would hurt my milk. I was scared it would hurt Benjamin or affect him in a similar manner it affected me. Thankfully, I able to pump a little bit and he wasn't hurt.
Around this time Dr. D came in and told me to start sitting up to see if the drip worked. It didn't. He said he'd be back later in the day to talk about how I was feeling and what my options were. he really didn't seem keene on the idea of doing another patch. Once he left, and I realized the drip really didn't work, I felt so confused and started the agonizing process of trying to figure out if I should get another patch or go home. This decision really was agonizing and confusing because I wanted the immediate relief IF the patch worked, but I also knew there was no guarantees and I certainly didn't want to expose my spine to anyone else. I cried a lot trying to figure out what to do. I was just scared.
Dr. D returned and we talked for quite a while. He explained that, in his experience - with what happened to me - pain relief usually happens within 14 days as the spinal fluid resets it self. He told me I was at day five and didn't want to put me back to day 1 with another patch that had no guarantees. Of course, if my headache became unbearable I was told to return to the ER and they would do it, but he encouraged me to go home, take it easy, and wait. What he said made sense and that's what I did.
So, now I wait and I pray. Pray. Pray. Pray the balance comes sooner then later.
I want to say that I see the hand of God in many things that happened. I also see the beauty of friendships I didn't quite realize I had until all this happened. I see what an amazing, faithful, and loving husband I have. I see God's grace in how EASY Benjamin is. Nursing has been so easy. I've had no discomfort at all with his latch! With my last two there was cracking, bleeding, etc as we figured it out. I see God's love through the meals and prayers that have been given. I've seen God's love in the way Mandi and all the other nurses served me while I was in the hospital. I see it in the way He's provided diapers, clothes, a swing, burp clothes, toys - everything I could need for our baby and our two big boys. I also see God's love in the way Joshua LOVES his brother. All he wants to do is hug and kiss him.
I'm doing my best to focus on those things and not the discouragement or fear I have when I can't function much ... or when I think about Jason returning to work.
There's my story. If you read it all please remember to pray for me that my spinal fluid balances out. :)
