What a Beautiful Afternoon!

The temperature reached the 70's today.  It was Beautiful! 

We took care of the house this morning and when the boys woke up we headed to Hobbs with popcorn and bread.  We wanted to go to their favorite park to feed the ducks and let them play.  Jadon enjoyed himself for a little while feeding the ducks, but he quickly asked if he could play at the park.  (It was right behind us) ... but Joshy was in HEAVEN.  He wasn't scared of the big geese either!  He wanted to FEED them out of his hand. haha  Jason sat on the ground holding him away from the water and I handed him the food to throw.

Once that was done, we all played at the park.  It's amazing to me how fearless Joshua is.  He'll go down slides now without a problem, tries to climb as high as he can, and loves to be caught.   Jadon is also far more brave then he used to be.  He's so proud of himself when he gets to the bottom!  It was a really beautiful sweet moment to share all that with Jason.  J is such a great father.  I'm so blessed to have him as a partner and friend.  I can't wait to see him with our little Benjamin.

Afterwards we headed to the 'hair cut store.'  Jadon has been wanting a haircut for days now.  I wasn't sure how the boys would do because I couldn't get a hold of the lady who normally cuts their hair.  They did FABULOUS!  Both of them did!  Jadon actually charmed the hairstylist right to her toes.  Joshua was amazing too!  I was so proud of them both.  They definitely deserved their suckers!

Once we left the hairstylist we decided it was time to eat.  When we were driving to the hairstylist we drove past IHOP and Jadon said, "Dad, I really want a smiley face pancake."  He's only had ONE and that was months ago, but he remembered.  We were both quite shocked by that.  So Jason decided to surprise him and eat at IHOP.  Both boys were a little bit of a pill, but after a quick bathroom break with Jadon he shaped up.  He ate SO GOOD!  Joshua is normally our eater, but Jadon went to town on the pancakes and my eggs/toast.  Afterwards we went to Kmart and Walmart to grab a few things.  Jadon was such a GOOD listener the entire time.  I just kept telling him how proud I was of him!

At Kmart I was singing little diddies and the boys would parrot everything I said.  It was so cute.  Then I started singing, "The BIBLE, yes that's the book for me." and both boys sang that with all their little hearts.  Jadon kept asking for the "bi" song. 

Jason came up shortly after that and took over pushing the cart because I was out of breathe.  I'm definitely at the end of my pregnancy... a little after that I sat on the floor to look at boys socks and just sat there until Jason came back to look for me.  It seemed easier to just sit there for a while because I was so tired and didn't want to get up. lol

I was also EXTREMELY excited to find socks at walmart that have AGES on the bottom!  They were a little bit more pricey, but DEFINITELY worth it!  The ages will also help them from skidding as they run through the house. LOL

It was just a nice family afternoon.  I was reminded just how lucky I am to have Jason (not that I needed it) and I enjoyed watching the boys show their growing maturity.

It all seems so big - a bit raw

Before anyone reads this, and I articulate what I'm feeling, I want to make sure I tell you (and myself) that I know, logically, everything will work out.  I'm trying hard to stay logical and faithful in the Lord who gave us this new miracle coming into the world.  Not to mention Jadon and Joshua!
That said ...

I'm scared.  It's odd.  The higher my weeks climb the more thankful I am.  I'm thankful I'm only on moderate bedrest.  Thankful I haven't been in the hospital several times due to contractions.  Yet, the higher my weeks climb (35 today) my anxieties are also climbing. 

The kids are at an age where they test everything.  It feels like I'm failing at this parenting thing more then succeeding.  I try so hard to talk to them patiently and calmly, but they just don't listen.  They only listen when we yell, but then they also look wounded!  It's not just me, but Jason who is struggling.  (Which ironically makes me feel better because it's not just me ... but then also worse because the kids are getting it from both of us.)

It's not just the yelling, but after they refuse to listen/keep it all up I've had moments where I snap and start screaming.  I tell myself to not let that be an option, but my frustration seems to be winning out more then that refusal.   I just want to crawl into a hole and give them to someone else to raise who won't do that to them.  I do NOT want to be my mother.  I don't.  I realize that I'm not in many ways, but I see her trained tendencies starting to come out of me and it flat terrifies me.

I even hear her in myself when I tell Jadon that nothing makes him happy.  I can spend hours snuggling, playing, interacting, and it's all just never good enough.  It just makes them both want more, but at that point I have nothing left to give.

I remember my mom telling me that and thinking, "I just want you to play with me, mom."

Yesterday I lost my temper with Joshua after trying hard all morning to be calm and communicative.  All he wanted to do was scream about stuff (probably our fault because he thinks that's how you get people to listen), push his brother, fight over toys, and he even bit him.  I ended up putting us both in time out (he in his bedroom), Jadon on one end of the couch, and me on the other.  We were supposed to be at MIL's, but that place is a treat so I let him be alone in his room.  I sobbed all the way to Hobbs just feeling like I can't do this parenting thing in a healthy way.  I have a few core fears ... abandonment (due to a wonderful absentee father and icky men) and that I'll be my mother.  Yesterday I just wanted to drop them off at MIL's and go off into the distance.  Let Jason find a woman who can raise them better.  Obviously, that was totally irrational, but it's how I felt.


Then there's the amount of tv they watch.  It's a lot... a lot.  It's all educational (outside of some max and ruby), but I know they are learning more from tv then from me. 

Then there's the interactions.  I know both need more, and I do too, but getting out there is hard.  It has to be kid friendly wherever we go and I'm tired of feeling burned.  Not to mention I'm so tired and sore all the time.  Getting motivated to do anything is difficult!  I try, but I know I should try more.
As time creeps up there's the thought of delivery.  I haven't had good deliveries.  Joshua's was terrible.  I had no female support, ended up with a full blown panic attack once I got the epidural, epidural wore off around a 9 and I labored horrendously with pitocin.  Jason did the best he could, but he's a guy and doesn't know how to be in that type of role.  When my beautiful Joshua was born all i could do was moan how bad I hurt.  I can't even let him watch his video of his birth because I think it would be traumatizing for him to see.  I don't want to go through that again.

Then there's the sleep.  Moving Joshua into a bunk bed seemed exciting (and necessary), but now I regret it.  Naptime has become horrendous because all they do is play and won't nap.  They need naps.  I need a nap.  They are both tired, but playing is more fun.  If they don't nap the rest of the afternoon is terrible.  Joshua used to sleep in until 8am.  Jadon would get up around 6:30, but that was easy because he's Jadon.  Jadon has been having 5:30am mornings too.  I used to just send him back to his room, but if I do that he wakes up Joshua.  Now Joshua wakes up with him which means my day starts so much earlier.  I wonder how I'm going to work this when I have a baby who is up a lot to nurse.  Right now they stay in our room and watch some cartoons as we all wake up, but I can't do that when I need to keep a baby asleep.  Benjamin will be in our room/cosleeping/in the cosleeper.

Then there's all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, learning, nurturing, and loving the three of them will need from me.

I'm scared I just don't have it in me to be all the things the boys, Jason, and this house need from me.

I need to make the time to read my bible and get re-centered on His promises, Truth, and Grace.  I know that'll help me so much.  I'm not sure why I haven't done it.  I think, sometimes, it feels like that's just one more thing I have to do and I'd rather veg in front of the tv or snuggle with Jason at night.  I realize how counter productive that is, but I'm in the mood for raw truth so there you have it. 

I'm 35 weeks today with my third child.  I pray, pray, pray, my kids will grow up feeling nurtured, loved, taught, and won't need much counseling.